December 19, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband says he doesn’t love me during a heated argument argument and then he later retracts it. I walk away wondering just how much he really meant it. Then I begin to reflect on our 21-year marriage and get lost in what is, what isn’t, and what never had a chance to be. I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is I want a really great love in my life and I am running out of time.” (Minimally edited for clarity)
“Least said, soonest mended” is the wise adage. If your husband could learn to contain his angry words a little, and you learned to believe him a little less when he is in such a state, you’d both have a chance to grow into the kind of “great-love” experience you have tucked somewhere in your dreams.
Please read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It really is the most perfect book for people who want more from marriage and life. A business man recently thanked me for suggesting he read the Schnarch book. “Finally a book about relationships an engineer can love!” he said.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
Twelve ways to have a fulfilling day…
- Surrender the illusion of control you have over everyone you love.
- Trust your instincts when they point you toward doing something good for those who least expect it of you.
- Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot.
- Look across the restaurant and then, having chosen someone, collude with your waiter to pay for that person’s meal. Ask the waiter not to identify who did it.
- Contact an old friend.
- Leave a few groceries on the steps of someone whom you know is in a hard place.
- Forgive your enemies.
- Carpool.
- Visit your next-door neighbors.
- Refuse to gossip.
- Pick up litter.
- Go the extra mile for someone who has hurt you in the past.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Listening, Long distance relationships, Parenting/Children, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for 25 years with ups and downs like most marriages. I’m at a point where I want to be alone. There has been too much baggage from our past marital problems, which seem intolerable. I will devastate a lot of people if I leave my husband but I want to. I’m 45 years old and feel I want a fresh start. Not with another man, just with myself so I can find the self I lost somewhere along the line. The longer I stay, the more I realize how hard it is going to be. I have two sons who live on their own. It’s just my husband and me. I am finding it difficult to stay. I want a change. Is it okay to be so selfish?” (Edited)
Please, pass this on...
This is the greater challenge. While I will agree that some marriages are irredeemable, it is the best place to begin looking for the person you feel has been lost.
Wanting to be fulfilled is not selfish. Many marriages reach a time and place when one of the partners desires to discover the person perceived to have been lost in the marriage.
Posted in Boundaries, Divorce, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Violence, Voice |
9 Comments »
December 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Yesterday my mother (62) told us (three adult children) that she is planning to get married again and my father has only been deceased 18 months. This news was not well received even though we all know and like the man she is dating. Her relationship has been seeing a man very hush hush over the past eight months because she was afraid of our response. How can I get her to see this is a bad move on her part since our father is only so recently gone?
Trust your mother. Get behind her. No wonder your mother has had to be “hush hush” about her love life. Her adult children are not ready for her to find new happiness. Affirm her courage.
I’d suggest you summons your siblings to a meeting where you each apologize for your role in driving her “underground” with her love-life. After you have apologized, announce your love and support for your mother as a separate adult person who is able to make good, wise decisions about her life and her future.
Welcome her new-found love into your extended family with joy and kindness.
Posted in Attraction, Listening, Marriage, Re-marriage, Stepfather, Stepmother, Voice |
5 Comments »
December 3, 2006
by Rod Smith
While a healthier person might find it very difficult to understand why a woman would remain the target of abuse, here are things I have heard from women (and a few men) in toxic relationships:
1. “His anger shows he cares.”
2. “No one has loved me like this.”
3. “If I leave he’ll take the children.”
4. “I am so unlovable (bad, ugly, hurt, used) I deserve abuse.”
5. “My past is catching up with me. I deserve to be mistreated.”
6. “He is not abusive. I’m just a slow learner.”
7. “God is teaching me: tough times are lessons from God.”
8. “I cannot make it alone.”
9. “Relationships are never perfect. They all hurt in some way.”
10. “You make your bed. You lie in it.”
11. “Things will improve when we have children (get married, get a house, a job).”
12. “He’s really a good person. When I make him angry he can’t help it.”
13. “As long as he is sorry I can put up with anything.”
14. “Things are improving, he doesn’t hit me like he used to.”
15. “God will change him if I am obedient. The Bible says so.”
The intensity, anger, aggression, in a toxic dance, places the victim on center-stage, and this focus is apparently experienced as some form of love.
Posted in Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
15 Comments »
December 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
My son (13) gets so angry when he is confronted about anything (school results, when he cannot go out, when he cannot be on the Internet) I know he scares himself. Last weekend my husband and son had a confrontation and he hit my husband in the face. I am glad my husband was patient with him and did not lose his temper. What should I do?
First: Decide that the parents will never resort to fighting violence with violence.
Second: Discuss that loving your son and supporting him through this troubled time is something to which you are both enduringly committed.
Third: Talk with your husband a lot about many and various topics – discussions about your son must not be permitted to dominate your every interaction – in order to establish unity that is comforting to you and obvious to your son. This expression of unity – not necessarily agreement – will become a natural protection when your family faces challenges.
Finally: During a “down time” and when things are peaceful, let your son know the despite whatever occurs among you, he is to learn to hold his temper, and to learn not to strike others. Let him know failure at self-restraint will result in the immediate need for professional intervention.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
November 30, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My mother-in-law spoils our children and my wife won’t tell her to stop. We have been married for seven years and I am tired of her mother interfering in our lives and especially with spoiling the children. What should I do?”
When, Sir, did you lose the ability to speak for yourself? I trust you know that your mother-in-law’s power within your family might be a direct result of your unwillingness or inability to speak up for yourself.
Your wife’s mother is your mother-in-law: speak to her yourself.
I’d suggest that since you perceive your wife as the spokesperson for matters relating to your mother-in-law, that your assessment of how she treats your children might not be fair or accurate.
Before you launch into addressing this matter that is causing you distress, I’d suggest you get several opinions from friends who are men enough to have a mutual, respectful, and equal relationships with the mothers of their brides and the grandmothers of their children.
There are such men? Yes. I have met them in every culture I’ve had the joy of visiting.
Posted in Children, Communication, In-laws, Voice |
3 Comments »
November 27, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I love my sometimes- abusive boyfriend very much. I moved out and I know that was a good step. I still deeply love him. He won’t get help for his problems because he doesn’t understand he has an illness. The illness prevents from seeing it. It’s circular. How can you get through to someone like this without setting them off or making them perceive you as the enemy? How can someone get the professional help they need if they don’t see that they have a problem? The person who is abusive has to recognize the problem and be willing to seek help. No one can force it. ‘Sorry’ is are all we have sometimes, and if you love someone how can you turn your back on them, especially if you can see they need help?” (Letter edited)
Rod Response:
At some point you have to love yourself more than you love your boyfriend, otherwise the relationship will destroy you. How will I ever get you to see this?
Focus on your health and not on his. This is not selfish, it is wise.
Believe it or not, there are more important things than love. Your survival is one of them.
Something is deeply amiss when your love is so compelling it is self-destructive.
This is, of course, when is ceases to be love.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice |
7 Comments »
November 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
My wife is constantly on her cell-phone. She is so “connected” with (text) messages and calls that it has more power over her than she realizes. It’s a drug. Even the children notice that she can hardly have a conversation without having one eye on the phone. Sometimes I want to flush it down the toilet. What should I do?
Push back will not help at all.....
Flushing it down the toilet will clog more than your plumbing.
Keep in mind that it is hardly ever possible to force or push people into change others desire for them. You might have noticed people have a way of exerting equal pressure in the opposite direction (they “push back”) when they feel coerced, cornered or trapped.
Therefore, I’d suggest you do as little as possible but to attempt to create the ambiance for a helpful conversation about your concern. Choose a relaxed, “unemotional” moment and gently, clearly state what it is that you think is an issue, then challenge your wife to consider the impact her response to her mobile phone is having upon her life and family.
It is hardly likely that this will be news to her, so challenge her to find her own way out of her electronic bondage (which of course, she might not consider a problem at all).
Posted in Communication, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Voice |
4 Comments »
October 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
- You started dating before he/she had been divorced a year.
- You started dating before his/her divorce was final.
- You started dating before all the financial details of the previous marriage were completed, agreed upon, and settled.
- He/she places all blame for the breakdown of the marriage on the former spouse.
- He/she wants, or allows, sexual intimacy (with you or others) before any semblance of a relationship has had time to develop.
- He/she is cut off from his/her children, is not participating in their lives, and is not paying his/her share of child support.
- He/she is more interested in parenting your children than in parenting his/her own children.
- He/she is unable to conduct a meaningful conversation with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to the children.
- He/she talks viciously or flippantly about marriage, sex, or the opposite sex.
- He/she actively discourages you from meeting or making contact with the former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
- He/she has quickly become more to you than seems possible in such a short space of time.
- He/she tells you he/she has finally found true love in his/her relationship with you.
Posted in Boundaries, Victims, Voice |
8 Comments »
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