1. It is addictive and temporarily eases pain from deeply felt sexual inadequacies. Like all addictions, it constantly requires more, stronger, harsher forms to be “satisfied.”
2. It is seductive, helping you avoid your sexual/relational immaturity.
3. The woman (or man) on the page or in the movie, combined with what the images stimulated in your head, will ultimately outperform the flesh-and-blood person who loves you and sever your authentic connection to intimate others.
4. It demonstrates your lack of respect for yourself and others.
5. It helps you to copout from facing the challenge of loving the real people. “Relating” to porn is easy: the images, unlike real people, don’t talk back; don’t express opinions, needs, wants, or feelings – the very essence of authentic love.
6. “Everybody does it” is neither true for helpful. Do not expect your partner to participate in sex if you use porn as a “warm up.” This is most degrading for everyone.
7. Pornography can be as damaging as an extramarital affair. Meeting “someone” in your head can be as damaging to a marriage as secret meetings with a stranger.
8. Pornography makes it “all about you,” feeding the narcissistic tendencies lurking within you. It is the antithesis of love and does nothing to serve it.
Avoid pornography because…
I am in second place to his mother and sisters…..
I am marrying a man who will not let his family take care of themselves. He feels very responsible for them and provides for his mother and sisters even though they do not really need his help. It hurts when he puts them ahead of me and I take second place. When I point this out he says I don’t understand family. What must I do? Will this change once we are married? (Letter considerably shortened and edited)
You have described a loyal man with a strong sense of responsibility, even if his need to care for his family is exaggerated.
Take your focus off him and set your sights on living a full and vibrant life. You want a husband, not a caretaker, and so I suggest you bring the full force of your personality to this relationship.
Do not compete for his attention or test him to see if you are in first or second place regarding his extended family – such behavior is immature and depletes you of the energy you need to live your own complete life. My hunch is, if you allow it, you will get similar dedication once you are married and will find it to be overbearing and controlling.
Daughter’s marriage is breaking down horribly……
“Our daughter has now been married for three years to her second husband. The marriage has broken down horribly. After one counseling session he refuses to go again. He is totally absorbed in his work, sometimes doesn’t even go to bed at night. He verbally abuses and finds fault with everything our daughter says or does while she is desperately trying to make the marriage work. We have seen a dramatic change in him for the worst. He barely shows any interest in the children or the goings on in the household. Our daughter shares her heartache with us. The children are even feeling the stress in the home. My question: How can we help and how far can we get involved? Up until now we just listen but have not interfered. As parents are deeply religious and we pray every day that a miracle will happen. We want it to work! We are desperate and feel so helpless.” (Edited)
Your son in law seems trapped; your daughter appears to have lost her voice. The miracle will be that both adults find their voice (regain their lives, their dreams) whether remaining married or not. Keep listening. Keep asking her: Is this what you want for you and your children? and What will it take to get what you need?
Wedding plans derailed….
“My boyfriend (30) and I (26) are having problems. We met in 2004 and in 2006 he asked me to marry him in December 2007. We moved in together and made wedding plans and I went to buy my wedding dress. In May he put the wedding on hold for financial reasons. Then he lost his job and I have being supporting us and now he wants to move home to his mom. The problem there is that he is not used to battling. Now I feel when he asked his mom if he could come home she should have refused because he had moved out to start his life with me and he must try and make it work. Now he is not interested in finding a job. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He doesn’t seem interested in us anymore. Everyone says I must leave him because he is not treating me right and doesn’t seem interested in going through with the wedding.” (Letter edited)
“Everyone” is correct. If preparing for your wedding is not a somewhat fulfilling and exciting time, being married will certainly not be. Let him go home to his mother – it sounds like they deserve each other. Cut all ties. You are better of without him.
Why are some dads so passive?
I’ve had a ‘significant other’ for 3 years. We bought a home together. He has his boys (12 and 14) half the time. I have a son (5). I am having problems with dad not taking responsibility for his boys. He has no boundaries and his children do what ever they want. When I discipline I’m ‘meddling.’ Dad does not discipline at all. I feel like I’m the guest. It’s a mess. Why are fathers so passive? It’s hard for a step-mom to do nothing. (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: The passive partner controls the relationship. While you over-function he’ll under-function!
I am willing to bet you spent more time choosing a house than discussing rearing children! You are NOT the stepmother without marriage – and will have no legitimate role with his children without a marriage to their father.
But, I’d suggest marriage is not the answer to this co-created mess. Your mess is not only a result of his passivity, but also a result of your apparent failure to open your eyes before making such a big move!
Bold, blind moves got you to this point. It will take bold, brave moves to get out! I hope this can be acheived without excessively hurting the children.
My wife feels smothered by me…..
“My marriage is in deep trouble. I am really at my wits end to save it. In addition to some communication problems, my wife also indicated that she gets attracted to stable and successful men, but when she is in the relationship that stable environment smothers her and she wants to run. I do not dominate her and I support her with what ever she requires.”
You wife is sufficiently insightful to see the source of her issue is not you, her husband, but the presence you represent. Your presence (and success) triggers her desire to take flight from what she initially find desirable. Your challenge is to remain steadfast in your love and your commitment while remaining sufficiently separate (giving her “space”) all at the same time. This is not easy.
Your wife’s feelings emerge from a cavern deep inside her history and the ultra-complex psychology each of us brings to every relationship. I’d suggest you trigger, by your nearness, the uncomfortable memory of times she felt emotionally cornered, trapped, and powerless. Your wife needs space, not abandonment. She is insightful, and I hope sufficiently motivated to get through this, but you will be of no help if you try to push or maneuver the process.
Wife did not want any details…. she forgave me and that was it….
Q: About six months ago I had a heart-to-heart talk with my wife and said exactly this, “I have done things during our marriage that if you knew about them, you would leave me.” She paused then said, “Whatever it is I forgive you.” This is the actual conversation that took place. She did not ask for specifics or details. What would you make of this?
A: Fall on your knees and express your gratitude to God for such a wife. She sounds remarkably healthy, a woman who is fully aware that your behavior is about you, and expresses everything about the kind of man you are. Be grateful too, that having found for yourself a greater degree of honesty, you probably have a more stable and a healthier marriage than you once had. Your wife apparently knows, from the little information that I have, that re-hashing the details of the things you have done would be hurtful to her and an unhealthy re-enactment for you, while not making one iota of helpful difference to the future you will share.
(Submitted from Melbourne, Australia)
Daughter wants to sleep at boyfriend’s house….
My daughter (16) wants to spend the night on some weekends at her boyfriend’s (16) house. My husband is dead set against it and this causes a mini cold war in our house. Her boyfriend’s parents are very kind people who are very capable of supervising our daughter and their son – but it still makes my husband very uncomfortable. My husband is not the kind of man to express his views but expects me to be the go-between. What should we do? (Edited)
Your letter offers no indication of your opinion regarding your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend and his family. It is clear that you have become the appointed spokesperson. I’d suggest you remove yourself from the middle of this triangle and let your husband and daughter speak to each other about his concerns. Personally, I’d rather err on the side of trusting too much than err on the side of trusting too little.
Of paramount importance is that you keep lines of communication open between your daughter and you – and that will be next to impossible while you are an agent of your husband’s anxiety.
Feeling second-guessed…
“I am so sad. It is so difficult to be second-guessed. My husband tells me not to worry about it yet I can’t help but feel displaced whenever my in-laws decide to take my role (with my children) or want to criticize me. I cannot win under any circumstance. Please help me learn how to be satisfied with myself.”
It is not about “winning” as much as it is clearly defining yourself (to your husband and in-laws). Unless invasive people (people with poor boundaries) hear a clear statement regarding your boundaries, they will invade your life and family, and their invasions will grow progressively stronger.
Your husband, is appears, is unable (unwilling) to assist you. He apparently wants to avoid necessary confrontation required to clearly separate his “new” family (primary responsibility) from what was his family (secondary responsibility).
Being more satisfied with yourself will emerge from within many aspects of your life as you make your voice known to your children, husband and in-laws. These encounters of self-definition need not be negative to be effective. Using playfulness is a good place to start. Thereafter, you might need to be more assertive if you are going to be heard. It takes a life-time to be heard, I’d suggest you start voicing your thoughts and feelings as soon as possible.
My fiancé has anger problems and it got so bad that he threatened to beat me
Reader: My fiancé has anger problems and it got so bad that he threatened to beat me. He says he is not physically abusive but the verbal threats scare me enough. He blames me, saying I provoke him and if I do, I don’t know how I am doing it. He gets angry even at the baby sometimes. I have got myself into a bad situation because I’m financially dependent on him and we have a baby together. He is so sweet and, boom he changes with outbursts of rage. I love him and then I’m scared of him. I try to trust God that he will show me what to do, but anxiety and depression get in the way of seeing things clearly. I pray and still find no peace.
Rod Responds: This is not about love, but safety. Please read Anna Quindlin’s book entitled “Black and Blue” and do whatever you can to remove yourself, and your baby, from this dangerous situation. You, no matter what you do, cannot provoke him to abusive acts. His anger is HIS responsibility. Please do not marry this man. Marrying him will solve nothing but only allow him even more control of over you and your life.
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