May 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
I appreciate your brief letter but doubt you will hear what I have to say or that you will adhere to what I suggest. You will avoid much future pain if you take to heart what I have suggested. But, love (or what feels like love) IS blind. It is also deaf, and mute. Therefore my comment is made with the understanding that you will probably not agree with me, hear what I am telling you, or speak up for yourself. Also, you give no indication of your degree of involvement, or if he is married, or if he even knows you. Please take time to send more information.
A twenty-six year age difference would be somewhat understandable if you met this man when you were already in your forties or fifties and each of you had lost a spouse. While you are yet a child, this relationship offers you nothing good or worth having. In the presence of a witness, sever all ties and run in the other direction. A man who is more than twice your age and who displays romantic interest in you is a man without integrity.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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May 3, 2008
by Rod Smith
A reader responds:
“I help family members and they take advantage of me. Before this family came to my home, I kept a clean and organized household. Now, I am constantly telling everyone, adults included, about picking this or that up and cleaning. I end up cleaning my house daily, something I did not have to do until now. One afternoon I was greeted with beer bottles in my yard and porch. The inside was trashed. I screamed and told all the adults that they invited over to leave and not return. I know people can only take advantage of you as long as you allow it. I decided to pack their belongings because their accommodation should never have become my responsibility. It is not fair to my children. I am also going to tell them the truth. They mistook my kindness for weakness. They will learn that they will not put me in this position ever again, and they have ruined the possibility of anyone receiving my help in the future. Last year I helped a cousin. Same result. I helped another close family member last year. Same result. No more. My family seems to believe that I am a sucker. Contrary to their belief, I am done!” (Letter shortened)
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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April 24, 2008
by Rod Smith
I get an inordinate amount of mail from men and women about the difficulties of how to treat a former husband or wife. Here are some guidelines:
What do you owe your ex?
1. Common courtesy as offered to all other people – no more, no less.
2. Respectful interactions pertaining to the children.
3. Efficiency and reliability regarding the children and visits.
4. Absolute care and protection of the children whom you co-parent.
5. Respectful return of phone calls, emails, and messages regarding shared child concerns.
6. Efficient paying of accounts as prescribed by the terms of the divorce (school fees, medical bills, etc.).
7. Common courtesy expressed toward any new significant other.
What you do NOT owe your ex?
1. Intimacy or sex of any kind (conversational, physical, emotional).
2. Financial assistance other than specified by the terms of the divorce.
3. Time alone. In cases of severe mistreatment you may insist on the presence of a third party for all necessary interactions.
4. Explanations of how, where, or with whom you spend your time.
5. Anything “extra” in terms of birthdays or holidays because of your shared history.
6. Any form of so-called “closure.” The divorce IS the closure.
7. Any platform to hurt or abuse you.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Voice |
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April 16, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My husband has, in the past, been emotionally immature and unavailable – I survived for years where his priority was work. Things changed when he was retrenched. He seems to have matured, woken up to what is important in life, and these days makes a huge effort to be positive, outgoing, involved with the family and me and helpful around the home. Somewhere my love for him went away and just recently my physical attraction towards him has completely gone. I would rather not divorce. How do I revive love and sexual interest? I just can’t seem to forget the past, and the rejection, abandonment and hurt sits with me all the time. I have an innate distrust of anything he says or does. I have opened up to be badly hurt by him too many times. It seems a very empty way to live to just stick around for money and the kids – and soul-destroying. But I do not know how to move forward. Please help?”
ROD: Please read everything by Joan Anderson (A Year By The Sea, A Walk on The Beach, The Weekend of Your Life) and get busy reconstructing the woman within you. Your re-discovery of love and passion is not, primarily, about your husband.
A psychologist writes…
“I am a psychologist in Westville. I usually agree with your advice and often encourage my clients to read your column. This time, however, I do not agree with your advice to the -in the past- clearly neglected wife (You and Me, 15/4/08). From many years of experience and from my own over 40-year long marriage, I have learned that before you can move on, the wound needs to be acknowledged and attended to by the ‘guilty’ party. That does wonders, then both can read books on relationships, learn to constructively communicate negative feelings, and the relationship usually (if both parties are willing) flourishes!” Anky Willemsen, Westville.
ROD: While acknowledgment of inflicted wounds and attention to those wounds offered by the “guilty” party would be helpful to foster a relationship to recover and flourish, the wife’s determination to learn and to grow is likely to “kick-start” change (desired and undesired) all around. For the woman to consider her growth contingent on the participation of her husband is to make her a victim or hostage once more. The husband could assist hugely in his wife’s recovery of love and passion (of course!) but her growth remains her business.
Posted in Voice |
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February 26, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I cannot seem to break free of the memories I have when my wife was unfaithful to me. We have talked about it constantly and I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me for my anger. Yet, although it was quite a few years ago, it still niggles at me. Please help.”
Sometimes you have to let things go. I know someone’s going to send me an aggressive letter letting me I don’t understand and that it is not that easy to forget and so forth, but since you have both expressed sorrow, and each has offered forgiveness, and since much time has passed, and since the clock cannot be turned back – it is time to let it go!
It might be helpful to consider your wife’s unfaithfulness, not as something directed at you, but something she chose to do to herself. When a partner blames him or herself for the unfaithfulness of the spouse, this is not only harder to overcome, but grossly inaccurate thinking.
No matter what the circumstances, the one who chooses to be unfaithful is the one who must assume the responsibility for the unfaithfulness. No matter what the greater issues are in the marriage, cheating will not be a helpful option.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Voice |
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February 26, 2008
by Rod Smith
“You have written that I am blind to my own behavior but an expert in the behavior of my abusive boyfriend. Actually I am very aware of my own behavior to the point of being an expert in it, too. The problem is that I don’t know how to get away from him. When he loves he really loves. I need his approval. I already know I need to get out. I just do not know how. Please help.” (Synthesized)
While I am aware that my writing will appear to judge you for not moving on with your life (and for not moving out of his life), offering you understanding or empathy is unlikely to stimulate you to make necessary, bold moves.
To find your freedom there is no escaping necessary pain.
Gathering, becoming part of a supportive community, is essential in taking such a step.
Before you point it out, I am very aware that abusive men tend to isolate their victims so finding and developing a community feels impossible to the victim.
You must break out, become unpredictable and begin to forge a life without him. The alternative is too horrible to contemplate.
Remember love is NEVER abusive (not at all, ever) and even a little abuse is enough reason to move on.
Posted in Anger, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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February 24, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My husband (of 6 months) was going through a divorce when we met. It concerns me that he spends so much time taking care of his skin (facials), going to the gym, and having tummy reduction treatments. I’m pleased that he looks after himself but I feel he is a bit excessive. He will go to the gym right before he goes overseas instead of choosing to spend the two hours with me. He says that he wants to look good because he’s married to a beautiful woman. I appreciate that, and I love him. I feel I am in competition with him. He also told me that he wanted to look good in his previous marriage because he wanted to meet someone to help him move out the marriage. Should I be concerned?” (Edited)
Be careful. Get between a man and his first love and you will pay the price! I’d suggest you develop a powerful interest in something worthwhile, while he, simultaneously continues to serve his apparent obsession. Focus on something other than your husband, who is doing enough of that already. At first this will drive him crazy (How dare you not join him in worship!) but it will save your sanity and might even keep you somewhat happily married.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Voice, Womanhood |
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February 19, 2008
by Rod Smith
Many would agree with your suggestion that relationships fraught with the symptoms listed in your article (Feb 17) need of renewal. Could you advise what options for renewal are available to a “recipient” of the symptoms described?
When relationships suffer the source is seldom only one partner. It takes two to tangle! (No, I do not mean “tango.”)
The points read “both ways” – there are usually two “perpetrators,” two “victims” – both words are too strong in moderately problematic relationships – and so both persons have “renewal work” to do.
Here’s a start: Stand up. Speak up. Remove guesswork. Stop mind reading. Refuse participation in what you know is destructive. Behave in healthy, unexpected ways. Stay out of control!
If there are proverbial eggshells: dance on them. If something is niggling: find a time to address it. Remember the only things that disappear if you ignore them are you teeth: all the rest stays or goes into hiding and waits to attack you at a later date.
Full (complete, healthy, invigorated, vocal) people are easier to love than vacated shells! Work on yourself. Identify how you allowed yourself to be disrespected.
The fire that returns will either re-ignite your relationship, or destroy it. Both options, I believe, surpass the quiet, destructive virus of relational indifference.
Posted in Victims, Violence, Voice |
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February 18, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. When we’re fighting he phones old girlfriends, won’t answer his phone, is extremely verbally abusive, and minimizes our relationship (because we’re not married). He mocks and makes fun of me if I cry. He has destroyed my belongings and stays out all night. He calls a woman behind my back, and faults me for not trusting him. He stayed at her house on one of his ‘all-nighters’ (I found him there). He calls me controlling and says he won’t be told who he can speak to.” (Very minimal edits)
Here we go again! You are an expert in HIS behavior, yet seem blind to yours. Apparently after all this trauma, conflict, jealousy, snooping around, raised voices and humiliating behavior performed by each of you – YOU keep going back for more!
Let the man go on his immature, pathological way. Don’t hold him back. Oh, I know. I am going to get letters telling me I am blaming the victim, that moving out is not that easy, and love will prevail – but this “relationship” (actually it is nothing more than furious-fusion) will never survive. The sooner you pack your bags (or dump his out the door) the better.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Victims, Violence, Voice |
8 Comments »
February 17, 2008
by Rod Smith
If you can hear the voice of a spouse of lover saying any of the following 10 points to you, I’d suggest your relationship could use some renewal.
Don’t say you love me and then…
- Disregard (write off, refuse to consider) what I say, think, and feel.
- Demand from me, or try to manipulate me into, sexual acts I do not want.
- Offer me less times and energy than you give to your most casual acquaintances.
- Refuse to initiate or participate in respectful and helpful conversations.
- Avoid initiating mutual, regular physical, mutually desired, intimacy.
- Hold grudges for years, bring up old issues time again, and hit me with things I thought were long forgiven and forgotten between us.
- Abandon me (physically or emotionally) with the responsibility of rearing our children under the guise of supporting the family. I need you to support the family AND help with the children – this is what adults, who are parents, do.
- Blind-side me with the unexpected: unpaid debts, hidden activities, unusual expenditures, and secret, inappropriate liaisons.
- Avoid “alone” time with me.
- Belittle me in any manner, let alone in front of our family and friends.
Posted in Attraction, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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