November 30, 2009
by Rod Smith
I really liked him, he didn't plug his book every five minutes.....
I ran into a Durban’s own Wilson Goeda this past week, in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii. From what I can tell, as the director of Youth With a Mission in Durban, he’s doing great things for humanity.
It was refreshing for me to hear Wilson’s strong South African accent, richly peppered with Afrikaans and slang from several other languages. His deep love for people and thunderous voice made his poignant reflections of a tough childhood and his call for humble reconciliation among all peoples all the more credible.
Wilson Goeda travels the world (he’s been to 60 nations thus far) promoting understanding among cultures. He helps people access grace and become reconciled with their pasts, befriend the present, and, above all, embrace their neighbors.
He did not plug his book (he didn’t even mention it) as is common with public speakers. He didn’t wallow in the self-pity or use dramatic events of his past to hook his audience.
Rather, with good humor and limitless zeal, Goeda talked of a shared hope and the myriad of possibilities that come our way when we live as men and women surrendered to a purpose greater than our own immediate fulfillment. Goeda’s book “Why Me” is available at http://www.WilsonGoeda.com.
Posted in Differentiation, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Meditation, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 12, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been in contact with a guy for the past 18 months, chatting online. He lives in another city. A few months ago we met, and really hit it off. I have met him a few times since, and had initially thought that I was imagining, his bad breath. The last visit which was a few days ago, left me quite repelled as he seems to have a serious halitosis problem that he is not aware of. The sad thing is that other than that, he is absolutely wonderful, but I really feel that I will be unable to go on with a person who has such bad breath. Both of us have been divorced previously, with no children and we are both in our thirties. Please help! How do I approach this?”
Tell him...
Try to be humorous; first tell him of some of your own “blind spots” and ask if he is “open” to hearing some you have noticed. If this relationship progresses to levels of greater commitment and deeper love, you are going to have to have far more difficult conversations. This conversation will be good practice for what is to come – if you are anything like millions of other healthy couples.
India
You’re both mature thirty-plus year olds right? And I’m assuming life has taught you both that there is never a need to “beat around the bush” at this age. Having bad breath is like having bad body odor, your always the last one to notice (or so I’ve heard). So in the grand scheme of things, and it sounds like this man is “absolutely wonderful” as you say, telling him he has bad breath will probably be one of the easiest relationship issues you’ll have to address together. And this is nothing that couldn’t be solved with, like gifting your boyfriend with a year’s supply of Cool Mint breath strips!
ACT, Australia
and then meeting him and enjoying the times together, you have probably communicated to him your enjoyment of the relationship. It sounds as if you like each other. It’s with that in mind that I suggest that he might appreciate your honesty about how you are struggling with his bad breath. Telling the truth to someone (not in a critical manner) is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself as well as the other.
Midwest, USA
! No really- its probably something that you’ll need to bring up with him if you do in fact want to remain in relationship with him. Have the courage to do so even if it doesn’t end up working out. If he can seek medical help for it it may be something you laugh about later in your relationship. The way he responds to you when you tell him will speak volumes to the future you may or may not have with him.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Voice |
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October 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My son (12) and my daughter (14) don’t like their stepmother but when they play their cards right for her she buys them stuff. I don’t like to see my children manipulating to get things from her. Should I step in and say something? We are not really on good terms with each other.”
Let then be...
that the challenges I will place before you are most difficult to achieve – but I repeat: parenting is for grown ups; successful co-parenting is for saints. So…
Do all you can to get on good terms with the other woman who is co-parenting your children. I am not suggesting you become bosom pals but “cordial adults” would be a helpful arrangement for all concerned.
Avoid stepping into the mix with your children and their stepmother. All three have a lot to teach each other. Approaches from you will hinder the process. While no parent wants to see his or her children develop manipulative habits, this is a matter for you to directly address with your children. Your children will manipulate if it works, and will not, if it doesn’t. Take care of how they treat you, and allow their stepmother to discover her own unique relationship with her stepchildren.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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October 22, 2009
by Rod Smith
I am convinced that no matter how rough a person’s past is, or how traumatized the present might be, or how bleak or absent possibilities might seem, there is always hope for a more fulfilling future. Today I shall be an agent of hope.
I am convinced that no one is thoroughly bad (there is something redeemable in the “worst” of humanity) and no one is thoroughly good (everyone must combat his or her own “dark” side). Today I will offer guarded trust to all whom I meet.
I am convinced that while in the depths of the bleakest of circumstances, loneliness, and pain, some people attempt to display a brave front. Today I will be an agent of kindness to those who have to hide their deep pain.
I am convinced that my own happiness and fulfillment will be incomplete while it is at the expense of my integrity, while it requires someone else to lose, while it is contingent on darkness or deceit. I will live honestly and without manipulation.
I am convinced that conflict is a necessary part of fulfillment and integral to love. Today I will readily engage in helpful conflict that I may learn to love others more deeply than I have done before.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery, Single parenting, Space, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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September 20, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband checks my emails, my cell phone and computer history, and my credit card statements. He also grills me daily about my conversations. He’d really prefer me not to work so he knows where I am and what I am doing but we need the money. You’d think I have a history of indiscretions the way he goes on. He’ll even know I have written this email to you and he won’t be happy about it. What can I do?”
Stand up to him....
you are going to have to take back the legitimate power you have over your life. Jealousy and controlling behavior are NEVER signs of love. The man has a virus and cooperating with it (the virus) will only make things worse. While you have been conditioned to think you have few or no options, you have more than you realize.
Understanding you will pay for your actions, stand up to him, change your passwords – do whatever it takes to secure your privacy. That you have nothing to hide doesn’t mean anyone (even your husband) ought to have the freedom to look. Men who have the need to control their wives usually have real control over little else. If, as a result of your stand, he gets a life of his own, he won’t have the need to monitor or be so consumed with yours.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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August 19, 2009
by Rod Smith
Rock the boat, don't sink it....
– the emotional and relational equivalent of parking in a different spot, using a different stairwell, climbing the stairs rather than using the elevator, or sitting at a different table. This is not to be difficult or to seek attention, but to challenge the well-worn paths that have become too comfortable and predictable for you. Shifting how you relate will be like opening the windows and letting in fresh air.
2. Re-adjust your internal GPS – you make the decisions about how you behave, what you like and dislike, what you do with your leisure opportunities, and the direction you are taking with the years ahead of you. Placing your direction, your likes and dislikes, the use of your time and resources in the hands of others is not an indication of love or friendship. It’s an abdication of personal responsibility.
3. Do what you really love to do. Become an expert in what you love. If you don’t know what you love and are good at, you will assume tasks and responsibilities outside of your set of innate skills. Repeatedly landing tasks you don’t want will bring you no joy. Knowing and doing what you love will make you an asset wherever you are, and, as an added bonus, you will be fun to be around.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 15, 2009
by Rod Smith
It all connected...
experienced with their children, who then, during the conversation, will openly confess they have no time for a mother or father-in-law, their own parent, or are out of sorts with an adult sibling. When I gently point out that these conflicts are possibly connected, fueling each other, I am met with disbelief.
“You’re saying that my fights with my son over his homework (or irresponsibility, or drinking) is connected to the fact that my father-in-law is an impossible man whom I have refused to talk to for the past five years?”
Indeed.
“You’re saying that my ridiculously controlling mother who walks in here like a movie director telling us all where to stand and what to say is connected to my 12-year-old daughter mouthing off to me however she likes.”
Indeed.
When the adult takes the challenge of embracing the “impossible” father-in-law, or standing up to the “controlling” mother, the adult is taking personal responsibility for his or her pivotal relationships. A parent who takes full responsibility for himself or herself when it comes to relating to members of their preceding generation, will see less anxious, less reactive, less rebellious behavior in the generation that follows. Yes. It is all indeed connected.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Responsive people, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
Readers, kindly offer your insights through “comments” and read the therapists’ (Jean’s, and Kathryn’s) opinions in a day or two.
“I have been married for eight months to a man who seemed well educated and liberated. Barely months into the marriage he had a violent outburst and bullied me over a trivial things. In disbelief, I gave him another chance only to see him go off again. He used bad words, made me feel wretched, and blamed me for his outbursts saying I ‘provoked him’. We started therapy. I see him not getting violent. He is as touchy as ever, argues for hours, days even though I beg him to leave me alone. He makes demands and expects me to fulfill them and shows no appreciation. He makes me feel like I am a lowly creature with crude, unrefined thoughts. To the outside world, he is the most charming husband. Can he be expected to change?”
From Canberra
Are you able to tell him how you feel about the way he treats others in comparison with how he treats you? Would you be prepared to tell him that you won’t tolerate his choices to be violent with you? Change can happen, when you change the way you relate to him when he inflicts pain on you. If you need professional help to implement this, I suggest you go for it.
Can YOU change?
Do not cooperate with his pathological outbursts and bullying. Leave whenever it begins. Say, “I’ll come back when you get over yourself and begin behaving like an adult.” Expose his dark side to your closest family and friends. These patterns of his behavior did not begin with you and nor are they provoked by you, and are beyond your role as a wife to even begin to attempt to fix. The man needs help (and discipline, and a tough stand) beyond the calling of any wife. In short, get out of the way of his pathology, expose – as far as you are able and as far as it directly affects you – his charming appearance, and find your own powerful voice whenever you have to deal with him.
Midwest, USA
You’re the closest person to him, therefore he chooses to release it on you. Blaming you for his outbursts is his way of not dealing with it, which allows him to continue doing so, as long as you are a willing participant. You have the power to let him know what you will and will not accept in your relationship. Take it back. He may need individual therapy before marriage therapy may prove helpful.
READER RESPONDS (NO PICTURE AVAILABLE): Regarding the query from the woman whose husband is so discontented (Mercury, 16 July 2009) – this man has no concept of what it really means to love someone, let alone be contented. In fact, he sounds very self-centred and immature. A Don Francisco song goes, “Love is not a feeling, it’s an act of your will”. There is also a book on depression, by Minirth and Meier, with a title I like: “Happiness is a Choice”. There are plenty of other cliched truisms along this theme.
The concepts of love and marriage have been done a great disservice by the media’s romance industry. Yes, there is a place for romance, passion and excitement, but these are essentially self-centred and depend on feelings. One cannot remain infatuated and at a peak of passion all one’s life. True love is unconditional and other-centred, not self-centred – on both sides of the relationship. It values the other person and involves mutual commitment and fidelity, regardless of what life throws at them. In a one-sided relationship, there is a giver and a taker, which is unbalanced. The tragedy is that this man will probably leave a trail of broken hearts as he pursues his self-centred agenda, charming women then getting bored once the infatuation abates. He really needs to grow up!
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Reactivity, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband is steadily gaining weight. He is obese (30kg over-weight) and we’re in our thirties. I’ve tried changing to a healthy eating routine and he loses interest. I’ve bought trainers to encourage him to begin walking with me. I have told him directly he needs to lose weight and he does nothing. It angers me that I make the effort to stay in shape by eating healthily and exercising regularly for various reasons, one of which is so that he can be proud of me in public. I am turned off in the bedroom and avoid intimacy whenever. I’m bothered that I’m looking at other men because I do love my husband. How do I get him to realize that this is a serious issue for me without hurting his feelings?”
KATHRYN: Pushing him to lose weight is producing the opposite results. No amount of energy spent on your part will ever be enough. The weight is symptomatic of a deeper issue, perhaps feelings of inadequacy. Thoughts about other men points to intimacy problems in your marriage that have nothing to do with sex. Plan a date for the two of you and look beneath the layers of subcutaneous tissue where you will indeed find your husband again. Energy spent in this way will not be wasted and perhaps he will begin discovering who he is and see you again in the process.
ROD: 1. Get his weight off your shoulders by telling him your complete truth. Your emotional health is more important than his feelings. Incredibly, he is free to dig his grave with his teeth or to find appropriate help.
2. Never have sex you don’t want.
3. Realize that while you perceive yourself as responsible for his health you will ruin your own. While it’s your issue it will never be his. The best help you can be is by NOT helping.
4. Get out of his sinking boat by taking your hands off his diet, exercise, and image. Remember the more your work the more he won’t. Sorry, this is not because your husband is in some manner peculiar, it is the nature of dependency.
JEAN: If you are frustrated that your husbandhas gained weight since your marriage, there must be frustration on his part too. Advice we listen to; but it’s pain we obey. Your husband will need to realize himself that he doesn’t want to be overweight because recovery for him will be hard work. Addiction in a relationship can subtly draw in the partner who tries to ‘fix’ the other. When he or she can’t, he or she can become controlling, angry, and resentful. Find ways to encourage your husband but look after your own needs. Seek help about wanting someone else.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Recovery, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
You can love and NOT worry...
Easy-to-make
fundamental (primordial) errors of belief humans often make in relationships can unsettle (challenge) the strongest of commitments. These “emotional fault-lines” can require intensive understanding on behalf of the one so inflicted, and, when not embraced and accepted by others (I do not mean appeased) these troubled foundations can result in consequential ramifications in day-to-day loving, living, and parenting:
1. Attention equals love and the amount of attention reflects the amount of love. To mistake attention with love and the lack of attention with the lack of love. “If you love me then I will be the focus of much (hopefully all) of your attention,” and,”If you give your attention to someone else it means you love them and not me or you love them more than you love me.”
2. Worry (anxiety) equals love. To think (or feel) that the presence of anxiety or worry or concern is a sign of love and commitment. “If I love you then I must worry about you,” or “If you love me then how can you be so seemingly worry-free about me?” or “When you love someone you think about that person and worry about what they are doing all day, or you don’t love them.”
3. Togetherness, unity, and being “on the same page” are signs of love and commitment. “How can we possibly love each other if we don’t think and feel and see things in as much the same way as possible? There, look at Jack and Jill across the street, they are so in love she even thinks for him, they dress the same, and he calls her 15 times a day at work to let her know he’s concerned about her safety. Now that – that is love.”
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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