May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
16 Comments »
April 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My elderly mother, who has a nice home and everything she needs, is very unkind to me. Sometimes she is cruel and uses a lot of guilt to keep me visiting her. I am in my forties and would prefer not to see her. What do you suggest I do? (Situation abbreviated from longer letter)
Rod Response: There is no good reason to tolerate cruelty from anyone source – not even your mother. If you cannot do it face-to-face, tell her in a brief letter that you will visit her on condition that she keeps the rule of regarding you with utmost respect and kindness.
When, and if, you decide to visit, make a polite exit the very moment she engages in unacceptable behavior.
While your mother is elderly, she is yet highly functional in so many areas of her life, and therefore also capable of monitoring her unacceptable behavior. Allowing your mother to inflict abusive behavior upon you is honoring to neither of you. Remember, a person cannot get rid of behavior that he or she continues to feed.
Contact: Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or http://www.DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Space, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
April 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate or threatening behavior like shouting, swearing, pushing, restricting movement, drunkenness, withholding keys, wallet, or personal items from someone, who will also then will claim, usually within a very short time, to love you:
1. If your most intimate relationship has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviors, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your most intimate emotional energy?
2. Remind yourself that relationship pathology (unwanted and unhealthy patterns) will not subside or decline without some radical shift within the dynamic of one of the participants. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviors will only grow. It takes ONE person to shift (usually the victim) before some change occurs.
3. Remember that the perpetrator usually of does not want to be exposed for the behavior, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim (or victims) somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victims, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victims distort reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
19 Comments »
March 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
Have you noticed the gods of possession, pride, and power, are at war within you? Possessions demand our committed allegiance. Pride calls on us to inflate our own importance. Power, and the desire to rule over others, or to be better, stronger, or louder, asserts itself within some hidden cave in our psyche repeating the mantra “more is better” or some other such nonsense.
Yet it is these very gods which, in claiming or desiring our focus, do not serve us well when offered the perverse allegiance they demand. It doesn’t take the accumulation of very much to know that possessions fall very short when expected to deliver happiness. Then pride, the swagger of self-importance, even displayed by one who might have accomplished much, makes the proud person into a fool.
As these gods try, with varying degrees of success, to assert their power within me, I try to remind myself that “less is more”, that our mothers were right when they said “pride comes before a fall.” I try to recall South African author Alan Paton’s immortal words, expressed through the pious Msimangu in Cry, The Beloved Country, that to love others is a most worthy pursuit, for when a man truly loves he seeks no power.
Posted in Love, Meditation, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Voice |
1 Comment »
March 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
Unhealthy patterns occur in relationships when a person …
- Does not sufficiently, or successfully, sever, and then recover from a previous romantic relationship before a new one begins. (Commonly referred to as “rebounding.”)
- Embraces a false, or faulty, unrealistic, definition of love.
- Gives the relationship an inordinate amount of attention. (This is seen when someone seems to disappear – becomes unavailable to other friends – in the wake of a new love interest).
- Offers too much of themselves (sexual favors, money, unlimited time) to someone whom he or she hardly knows.
- Has unrealistic expectations of any relationship, and therefore believes relationships offer what relationships simply cannot, and do not, offer.
- Thinks (believes, hopes) the other person is all he or she will ever need. [“I can’t live without you, AND you are all I need to live.”]
- Confuses nakedness with intimacy, lust with passion, and touch with love.
- Trades long-term commitment (taking things very slowly) for an immediate thrill (“I want it all now!”).
- Sincerely believes his or her love is powerful enough to change undesired characteristics in another person. (“Once we are married she’ll stop drinking.”)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Pornography, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My girlfriend was very sexually active before we met. Jealousy often rages in me. She won’t tell me about any of her past relationships and it feels to me like she still prefers other men.
ROD’S REPLY: I predict that the more this eats at you, the more you will want to know. The more she tells you, 0r refuses to tell you, the more you will ask. Every detail she divulges will haunt you, and finally, your obsessions will silence her. When she is silenced, you will claim that she has something to hide or that she still has “feelings” for some guy she probably no longer even knows. This is your issue, not hers.
Shakespeare did not call jealousy the “the green eyed monster” for nothing. Try to get over it. If you want this relationship to grow in a healthy manner, you had better understand what is, and is not, your business. Jealousy over relationships that predate you is unreasonable. Her behavior then, is none of your business, now.
I’d suggest you focus on trying to be a little less controlling. My guess is that were this not the issue, you’d be jealous about something else.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Differentiation, Domination, Forgiveness, Past relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence |
6 Comments »
October 27, 2006
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
Some people are so angry, have been angry for so long, they would not want to be without it. It is the only way they know how to relate to the world.
Life does not have to be this way for the angry person. There is always the grace to forgive, and the choice to live in peace with all people everywhere.
Obvious manifestations of anger are outbursts of temper, resentment, and the failure to forgive. These are the easy clues to detect an angry person. More subtle expressions of anger are deep cynicism, estrangement from family and friends, the desire to self-isolate and the loss of faith in loved ones. These are as much signs of anger as is cursing at traffic.
Anger begins as scaffolding surrounding a life, but then, if it is not dealt with, if matters are not settled; if it lingers, anger can become the very structure itself.
Give some angry people a reason to forgive, to give up their anger and they are left with nothing. Anger is the lens through which they see the world, manipulate and control relationships, and without it, they become nothing.
They have sold their peace in exchange for their resentments and have forgotten that it does not have to be this way.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Boundaries |
1 Comment »
September 25, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: I am in a bad relationship with a man who is trustworthy but I have no ability to trust him. I jump down his throat a lot and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious and accusatory. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change (through therapy) but it’s a process. My upbringing was abusive and I know my damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing this fantastic man who would be a fabulous dad and loyal husband. Being around him makes me face my fears but every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me and he imagines me having his babies. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Your honesty, his patience, and, adhering to the wisdom of your therapist might get you to the “other side” of your current problems. If you really seek to resolve your childhood issues, which are sounding so loudly in your present, be sure your therapist is skilled in “family-of-origin” therapy, so these powerful past experiences can lose their powerful grip upon your present.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Triggers |
1 Comment »
September 18, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader: My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. At first I was the one who messed around with my ex-girlfriend. I was young and couldn’t let go. However, she stood strong and gave me another chance. Since that day something inside me changed. It was almost as she re-instilled my morals. I go out and go home to her. No cheating in any way. No flirting. She’s the only woman I want to be. For reasons to do with her education she’s moved away and I only see her every second weekend. We hardly talk because she is either busy or with friends who are mostly guys I have never met. I have had an uneasy feeling for a few weeks. What do you think? (Edited for space)
ROD’S REPLY: I trust your change, with or without her, is enduring. If this relationship is to last, you are going to have to learn to trust your girlfriend and resist allowing the distance to so unsettle you. Uneasiness within you will make your occasional conversations and visits feel controlling (for her). Talking with you will feel like a burden, and burdening her with your uneasiness, while she is enjoying herself, will only create a larger distance between you, and she might decide a long-distance “heavy” relationship is not worth the effort.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Attraction, Long distance relationships |
Leave a Comment »
August 22, 2006
by Rod Smith
Dear Rod,
I’m sorry to tell you this but I don’t normally enjoy your column! The reason is that you tend to be too judgmental and autocratic. Maybe you are thinking now that I’m being defensive and reactive because your answers touch a soft spot with me. You may very well be correct but I believe the reason is because nothing is ever so definite and ‘black and white’ in any relationship. Though we always do feel as though this is true – the old big, fat ego again.
I have attached one of your previous column’s which my boyfriend put next to my bedside and gave some of our friends a copy to ‘prove’ to them that I was such an awful person and exactly what you had written applied 100% to me. Very hurtful!
I wrote that letter to our psychologist who we were seeing for help in our relationship. I now go alone as he says I am the one with the problems, I am the one that needs to change and he is perfect – yes, 100% correct and with no personality flaws.
With regards to today’s question and answer: I do identify with this woman as my boyfriend does attack, insult, character assassinate and yell at me. a couple of months ago I used to react equally as provocatively and angrily. I now do not react as I have realised it is when he is inebriated, worrying about his Mom who has cancer, or his business which is in dire straits or all of the above. This by no means justifies his behaviour but at least I am not perpetrating the behaviour or getting caught up in the lose-lose situation. He inevitably calms down and carries on as though nothing has transpired.
His ‘good’ side is 80% of the time and he is the most generous, affectionate, fun-loving, passionate man I have ever known so it far out-weighs the dark side!
However, I have stayed in destructive relationships prior to this for the simple reason that I have had to believe and ‘buy’ and allow the verbal abuse – e.g. I am stupid, argumentative and have serious mood swings for no rhyme or reason – because if I didn’t I would have to walk away because nobody can believe they are loved if someone accuse you of these atrocities and they are NOT true. Do you understand the logic here? I’m finding it difficult to articulate. I just mean you have to buy into the story so that you believe the love is there and that person can help you change and then, only then, will the relationship work. Psychi of an abused woman?
Anyway the other issue is, to quote you, “Tell me what keeps a person in a relationship that apparently offers nothing but pain and humiliation?” We stay in relationships like this because it does not just offer pain and humiliation! We don’t discuss or question the beauty and joy and comfort and compassion because there isn’t a problem on that side and we desperately want to correct and heal the dark side. Also it seems that in some relationships we desperately want the roller coaster ride because without the lows and dips they can’t have the elating, endorphin releasing highs. another reason for staying or being ‘trapped and the victim’ is low self esteem – get them to watch Oprah’s show!
I adore all your advice re kids, parenting – single and step! Thank you for that! God bless and I’m sure you’re helping hundreds of people.
Reader
Durban, South Africa
Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Therapeutic Process, Victims |
4 Comments »
difficultrelationships.com 