November 30, 2009
by Rod Smith
I really liked him, he didn't plug his book every five minutes.....
I ran into a Durban’s own Wilson Goeda this past week, in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii. From what I can tell, as the director of Youth With a Mission in Durban, he’s doing great things for humanity.
It was refreshing for me to hear Wilson’s strong South African accent, richly peppered with Afrikaans and slang from several other languages. His deep love for people and thunderous voice made his poignant reflections of a tough childhood and his call for humble reconciliation among all peoples all the more credible.
Wilson Goeda travels the world (he’s been to 60 nations thus far) promoting understanding among cultures. He helps people access grace and become reconciled with their pasts, befriend the present, and, above all, embrace their neighbors.
He did not plug his book (he didn’t even mention it) as is common with public speakers. He didn’t wallow in the self-pity or use dramatic events of his past to hook his audience.
Rather, with good humor and limitless zeal, Goeda talked of a shared hope and the myriad of possibilities that come our way when we live as men and women surrendered to a purpose greater than our own immediate fulfillment. Goeda’s book “Why Me” is available at http://www.WilsonGoeda.com.
Posted in Differentiation, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Meditation, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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April 21, 2009
by Rod Smith
I love Friedman. I hope you will too.
I have reconstructed one of the late Rabbi Ed. Friedman’s parables which I first encountered as a footnote in his paper entitled “The Challenge of Change and the Spirit of Adventure.” (It’s essential reading, by the way):
A man was getting ready for heart bypass surgery when his organs called a (secret, of course) meeting. Lungs declared they would refuse to participate in the surgery saying the host had no business making them work harder after all they’d done for him for all these years.
Spleen agreed. Pancreas nudged in agreement. Actually Pancreas winked, but it is hard to tell with Pancreas.
Intestine mulled endlessly on the matter and felt (it was rather an emotional moment, actually) it should side, if he sided with anyone, with Spleen.
Intestine, who found it hard to have an opinion anyway, also did everything slowly.
The Kidney Twins, in unison and stony-faced, kidded a just little (they are not given to too much humor) that he had had the audacity to think they’d work any harder on his behalf, “Who does he think he is trying to get all well?” Their comment became a scoff.
Bowel, not given to small talk, churned the over the matter, repeatedly sighed a long conspiratorial, “Nooo. Nooo. Noooo!”
Liver, still seated, said he wasn’t about to change after all these years. Then, standing to address the meeting, said, “Who exactly is he to decide without due process anyway? New lease on life, a new Heart around here will mean new demands. Everyone’s been so worried about old Heart for all these years, no one gave a rip about us! We’ll show him who is boss! He’ll get all active – which means we’ll have to, too. No. No. No. What does he know about taking out the trash anyway? I do the REAL work around here!”
Round the table the organs voted and a decision was reached. “No! No to surgery for our ambitious, unreasonable, demanding, host.”
Just then Brain spoke up, “It’s none of your business. It is not your decision to make. Get back to work.”
(I highly recommend Friedman’s Fables and Failure of Nerve by the same author.)
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Meditation, Reactivity, Schnarch, Voice |
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April 18, 2009
by Rod Smith
I'm waiting to hear from you. Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
I will be an agent of good news. No matter what’s reported on television, what frightful events are in the newspaper, or how trying my circumstances might be, I will find joy this morning, and, on finding it, I will spread it, speak it, and live it with abandon.
At mid-morning, around teatime, I will be a conveyor of compliments. I will find something to praise in several people, especially forlorn souls who appear to least expect it. If perchance, in the course of my search, I encounter an angry man or woman I will counter the anger with honest affirmations, quiet words of encouragement while doing all I can to ignore the symptoms of anger.
Come afternoon and I will make at least a half-a-dozen “well-done” phone calls even if I get a brain-burn* coming up with names and acts worthy of some recognition.
Then this evening I will applaud the universe for its kindness. I will offer a standing ovation to God for the abundance of Grace that allows me to thrive. I will embrace my neighbors for helping me be part of a vibrant community. I will celebrate my children for all we continue to learn and to share. And, oh, once everyone is asleep, I will do the laundry.
* My sons gather great words!
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Grace, Meditation |
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November 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
It is in us to love. It’s human. We have the capacity for it. Even hurt and rejected people can love. Once a person accepts that love has more than romantic connotations, as powerful and valid as these of course are, he or she will be able to see its broader power.
Love is unleashed through simple, but not easy, human acts of seeking the highest good both for oneself and for others. Acts of offering unearned forgiveness, of reaching out to the estranged, of welcoming a stranger, of letting go of all prejudice, of rejecting dishonesty – all begin within the individual human heart.
When a person intentionally facilitates others toward finding and enjoying and exercising the full range of their humanity, he or she will know and see and experience the powerhouse love is.
Even people with reason to reject others, having themselves been rejected or treated inhumanely, have it in them to love, if they dare to muster the courage for it. It comes quite naturally to the courageous person, and when it is unleashed, the purposes and the meaning of life surge into the heart of all who have the courage to hear and respond to its powerful call.
If you want a bound edition of all 400+ columns GO TO: www.ToughPlace.Blogspot.com and follow the directions on the right of the page…….
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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November 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Call me...
1. Enriched is the man who treats others with
kindness beyond their deserving. He is generous with family and strangers and he seeks the highest good for all, knowing that the wisdom he exercises in his daily life positively impacts people around him. He regards faithfulness with high regard. The very thought of betraying his family by committing some moral indiscretion deeply unsettles his peace.
2. Enriched is the man who does not play “one-up” games. He
applauds the success of others. He takes no delight in the hardships, losses, or pain others endure. He is more committed to being patient, kind and hardworking, than he is committed to being rich or to displaying symbols of success.
3. Enriched is the man who would rather lose at a sporting event than he would cheat in order to appear to have won. While he can be fiercely competitive and loves to win, he watches his behavior, and
treasures his reputation.
4. Enriched is the man who can drink without becoming drunk; enjoy good humor
without resorting to the ridicule of others.
5. Enriched is the man who pauses momentarily, quite regularly, in order to acknowledge his joy at being a man. He
treasures his role as one who carries love, truth and kindness to all within his circle of influence.
6. Enriched is the man who can
delay gratification in all areas of his life. He does not crave gratification when is is at the cost of damaging his relationships, his finances or his integrity.
Posted in Attraction, Listening, Marriage, Meditation |
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October 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
Are you emotionally out of shape? Psychologically exhausted? Tramped on? Feel trapped? Just as a person can be physically run down, so also can one become emotionally depleted. Here are simple, not easy, steps to getting your internal life into shape. Each will do your internal life as much good as frequent exercise does for a person who is physically out of shape:
1. Speak up where you might previously have remained silent.
2. Realize that not everything you think and feel has to be said or reported.
3. Focus on your own behavior and not the behavior of others. (This might be the most difficult of the 11 suggestions).
4. Rid your life of all blame.
5. Realize you are where you are as a result of your own choices.
6. Set small, secret goals involving no one but you.
7. Refuse to compromise when it comes to telling the truth no matter how much love may be involved.
8. Forgive where you might have previously have been resentful.
9. Do not function in roles not legally yours (don’t play wife if your are not, or dad if you are not).
10. Grasp the fact that emotional health is an individual journey and no one can be held responsible for your journey toward greater emotional health but you.
11. Clarify, for yourself, where you end and others begin. (This IS me, my issue, my responsibility: this is NOT me, my issue, my responsibility).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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August 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
I hope I hear from you...
in friendships that are more work than necessary, and have little or no problem cutting ties when a friendship becomes over-taxing, overly demanding or draining. Friendship is supposed to be enjoyable. Thus, whenever any of the following occur in a friendship, I’d suggest it is time to cut and run. I am not at all suggesting the friendship ONLY involves good times. I am suggesting that if a friendship is hard work when it is time for the good times (no present illness, no unusual trauma) then it might be time to move on:
Your friend: (1) Doesn’t want you to have other friends; expresses jealousy through sullenness, withdrawal or antagonism.
(2) Lies to you, about you, or about others.
(3) Expects you to keep “special” secrets or information when the knowledge makes you uncomfortable.
(4) Watches the clock if you are late and interprets your lateness as meaning something about the friendship.
(5) Compares your behavior in one friendship with your behavior in another (“How come you are never this way with your other friends?”).
(6) Expects you to buy into his or her values even when they differ from your values.
(7) Wants or needs to book up your time a long time in advance to make sure your life is planned around his or her life.
(8) Plays games of “hide and seek” to see how much you care or how important the friendship is to you.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Friendship, Meditation, Past relationships, Therapeutic Process, Trust |
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May 5, 2007
by Rod Smith
“After several years of living on my own I’ve been living with my partner for the past nine months. Things are going well most of the time but there seems to be a little problem that arises from time to time that I am getting concerned about. If a problem arises at work, he rehashes and he vents to me for longer than I think he should. He gets back to normal after a couple of hours of venting over something I did not cause. The anger and the long discussions are not a positive. I realize that venting is good if you have to but is it reasonable for me have to be the one who gets all this negative outpouring? Maybe he needs to talk to someone else about the issue. The tension isn’t good for us. Why do I have to take this when he really should be talking to whomever the issue is about. This is really bothering me.” (Letter required much editing)
Rod’s response: I gather that your partner sees you as a sounding board for his frustrations at work but cannot tell when his venting becomes hurtful. It would be quite reasonable were you to refuse to listen to him about his work-related issues. Tell him to talk directly with persons associated with his work-related problems.
Posted in Anger, Meditation, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence |
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March 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
Have you noticed the gods of possession, pride, and power, are at war within you? Possessions demand our committed allegiance. Pride calls on us to inflate our own importance. Power, and the desire to rule over others, or to be better, stronger, or louder, asserts itself within some hidden cave in our psyche repeating the mantra “more is better” or some other such nonsense.
Yet it is these very gods which, in claiming or desiring our focus, do not serve us well when offered the perverse allegiance they demand. It doesn’t take the accumulation of very much to know that possessions fall very short when expected to deliver happiness. Then pride, the swagger of self-importance, even displayed by one who might have accomplished much, makes the proud person into a fool.
As these gods try, with varying degrees of success, to assert their power within me, I try to remind myself that “less is more”, that our mothers were right when they said “pride comes before a fall.” I try to recall South African author Alan Paton’s immortal words, expressed through the pious Msimangu in Cry, The Beloved Country, that to love others is a most worthy pursuit, for when a man truly loves he seeks no power.
Posted in Love, Meditation, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Voice |
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January 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
It appears you seek reconciliation. That takes at least two people. Forgiveness takes one. Apparently you have tried to do your part in releasing and forgiving one who has hurt you. That he or she will not reciprocate does not dilute your gracious act. In the short term it may be less meaningful for you, for you want reconciliation, but the power of forgiveness will still be yours. Forgiveness, both giving and receiving, are a deep matters of the human head and heart. Forgiving takes humility. Receiving it takes greater humility.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Re-marriage, Space, Voice |
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