Archive for ‘Love’

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September 21, 2007

Marrying: What’s the rush? / Guest Writer, Corinne Edwards

by Rod Smith

http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/marrying-whats-the-rush

“You’re good looking. How come nobody ever married YOU?’

I was 20. The question was asked by Mickey – I’ll never forget his name – at a wedding. I was maid of honor for the fifth time that year for friends who had achieved the honor of someone marrying them!

I felt so shamed. So unworthy. Embarrassed.

Indeed. Why hadn’t anyone married ME? The simple answer, although I had dated a lot in high school and college, was nobody asked.

The age at which you get that question has been raised. You don’t get the interrogation until you are about 25. That is when if you are not “hooked up” in some way – in an exclusive relationship, living with someone or engaged.

Your mother is saying, “Give him some time. He’s a nice young man. Maybe you will learn to love him. Maybe he has friends he can introduce you to.”

My feeling is after the first or by the second date, you know if the person is right for you. And, please. Men never introduce you to a buddy. It is not done. If one of their friends takes an interest in you, they are dust.

Special note here: Do you know who will introduce you? Mothers. No, not your mother. Other mothers. Get involved in your church or temple – not just the singles group – with the committees. They are full of mothers who are desperate because their handsome 30 year old sons are not settled down. They are dying for a sweet, educated, adorable young thing like you. Mothers are still the matchmakers today they were in centuries past.

Your friends say, “Well, at least you’re dating.” So? You are just spending time with “Mr. Right Now.” You are wasting time and energy. Go to the gym. Read a book. Write one. Get involved in charitable organizations. (Get to know more mothers!)

I have had several young women in my life coach practice. They have a plan.

This seems to be the approximate drill:

22-25 Out of college. Establishing a career. Looking for the “one”

25-26 Career in place. Serious dating with one person

26-27 Engaged and moving in together

27-28 Getting married

30 BABY

This is not a discourse on trashing goals. I believe in goals. They work.
But it is a suggestion to not let the schedule you have set govern your decisions. Don’t settle for someone because he suitable and is on your time line and seems “good enough.” Loving someone a little is not good enough. Wait.

We have all heard that the divorce rate is now just over 50%. But, this week, the Chicago Tribune reported an interesting statistic. The marriages, on average, lasted eight years total. Do you remember the old film, “The Seven Year Itch?” It’s not a comedy after all. You will have two children by then.

I married at 21. The basis for the marriage was that he was handsome and the captain of the football team and I was a cheerleader. Great reasons, right? But the real reason was because everyone else was getting married. Oddly enough, given this latest statistic, it lasted eight years.

Society’s insistence that we are coupled does not stop as you get older. The Noah’s Ark mentality never stops!

I had been a widow exactly two months when this conversation took place in my office. I kid you not. This is a scene from a script I am writing but it is absolutely true word for word. So, you adorable young women out here – you are not alone!

Corinne enters her office.

Two ELDERLY LADY clients are seated. They stand to greet her.

ELDERLY LADY – ONE

We came in personally to pick up our tickets to Florida. You look wonderful.

ELDERLY LADY – TWO

Sorry to hear about your terrible loss. How are you, dear?

Corinne starts to answer but the ladies continue to talk.

ELDERLY LADY – ONE

You’re a young, attractive woman. You’ll find someone. Don’t wait too long. A woman without a man is a terrible thing.

Corinne hands the ladies an envelope with their tickets.

ELDERLY LADY – TWO

Take my advice. Look for someone younger this time. They last longer.

As they leave, one of the ladies turns back to Corinne with a confidential whisper.

ELDERLY LADY – ONE

Are you seeing anyone yet?

I have neighbors in their 90’s. God is the only one who knows how long they have been married. I am sure that in all that time, they have had their ups and downs.

They are not in perfect health but they have no extra help. He helps her. She helps him.

Today was a beautiful day and as I glanced out of my window, I saw them sitting outside in the sunshine. They were seated side by side on the patio, both reading.

But they were also holding hands.

I want some of that. Don’t you?

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Living together, Love, Marriage, Re-marriage, Voice, Young Love | Leave a Comment »

September 18, 2007

This friendship is too much. Is it okay to cut it off?

by Rod Smith

I am in a “friendship” that is too much. A co-worker wants all of my time. She wants me to phone her to see if she is having a good day (she’s an office away!) and then when I do she says I am only doing it because I know she wants me to – and that the phone call is therefore not real! I have a husband and children and she wants me to be her best friend. Almost everyday there is an issue about my not being a really true friend. Is it acceptable to cut this relationship off?

Yes. Cut it off, or establish very firm, non-negotiable boundaries. Do it firmly, kindly, gently (“quick and clean”) and with the full knowledge that you are going to be considered the “bad guy” once the break is made or the boundaries declared.

This person wants (needs) from you what innocent and casual friendships are not of capable of offering, and the pressure for each of you is destructive. Be assured that it is very unlikely that yours is the first relationship with this person within which she has demonstrated similar symptoms.

A good mental health professional could assist your troubled “friend” – but allow her the space to discover that for herself.

Posted in Boundaries, Friendship, Love, Manipulation, Space, Therapeutic Process, Voice | Leave a Comment »

August 15, 2007

Ex wife seems to take divorce lightly….

by Rod Smith

My husband’s ex-wife seems to take their divorce lightly. There is a need for communication because of my step-daughter, however, she has become almost “too friendly” with me. For instance, she will call me up and say, “How is my ex-husband?” She is also cultivating an affection towards our kids, which makes it feel like she wants to create a psuedo family – that is, be divorced, but be a part of the entire system. In some ways, it is very difficult because it looks like it’s in the spirit of what is best for my step-daughter, yet it is quite awkward. It seems as if she (ex-wife) is needy and has definite boundary issues. I don’t know how to broach it – my husband simply ignores and detatches from her, but I don’t want her to feel rejected. We have common events to attend, not to mention friends from the same circle. Any insight would be appreciated.

ROD’S REPLY: Your husband “ignores and detaches” from his ex-wife and you “don’t want her to feel rejected” but SHE is the one with the boundary issues! I’d suggest the “entire system” (of which she IS a part) could use a boundary tune up. I challenge you both to sit down with her at a venue other than your home and define your marital boundaries so she might reassess how to mother a daughter as one who is divorced from her daughter’s father. Resist blaming this woman for boundary issues when you have hardly done much better at it yourself.

Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Triggers, Trust, Voice | 1 Comment »

August 12, 2007

Life and love are more complex than a few steps…

by Rod Smith

I read your articles from two weeks ago called “Next Time You Fall in Love” with some friends, and we had some interesting discussions. I like most of your thoughts, but sometimes I think that life and love are so much more complex than some steps to follow.

Of course life and love are more complex than following a few steps, but even discussions around a few sound steps are a good place to start! It is more than a lot of people do when it comes to “falling” in love.

Thinking, giving a momentary pause for consideration regarding a healthy process of “falling in love” would be quite novel for some people.

I always hesitate over using the word “falling” when it comes to romantic love, for it suggests a total lack of say or control over oneself when it comes to such matters.

Love is not as irrational as popular “thought,” literature, or culture would have us believe, and any discussions you have had regarding how love romantic operates will equip you to open your eyes to the pitfalls that come with love and all of its mysteries and complexities.

Posted in Attraction, Listening, Love | Leave a Comment »

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August 9, 2007

I am in second place to his mother and sisters…..

by Rod Smith

I am marrying a man who will not let his family take care of themselves. He feels very responsible for them and provides for his mother and sisters even though they do not really need his help. It hurts when he puts them ahead of me and I take second place. When I point this out he says I don’t understand family. What must I do? Will this change once we are married? (Letter considerably shortened and edited)

You have described a loyal man with a strong sense of responsibility, even if his need to care for his family is exaggerated.

Take your focus off him and set your sights on living a full and vibrant life. You want a husband, not a caretaker, and so I suggest you bring the full force of your personality to this relationship.

Do not compete for his attention or test him to see if you are in first or second place regarding his extended family – such behavior is immature and depletes you of the energy you need to live your own complete life. My hunch is, if you allow it, you will get similar dedication once you are married and will find it to be overbearing and controlling.

Posted in Attraction, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Listening, Love, Sex matters, Space, Trust, Voice | 10 Comments »

August 6, 2007

Daughter’s marriage is breaking down horribly……

by Rod Smith

“Our daughter has now been married for three years to her second husband. The marriage has broken down horribly. After one counseling session he refuses to go again. He is totally absorbed in his work, sometimes doesn’t even go to bed at night. He verbally abuses and finds fault with everything our daughter says or does while she is desperately trying to make the marriage work. We have seen a dramatic change in him for the worst. He barely shows any interest in the children or the goings on in the household. Our daughter shares her heartache with us. The children are even feeling the stress in the home. My question: How can we help and how far can we get involved? Up until now we just listen but have not interfered. As parents are deeply religious and we pray every day that a miracle will happen. We want it to work! We are desperate and feel so helpless.” (Edited)

Your son in law seems trapped; your daughter appears to have lost her voice. The miracle will be that both adults find their voice (regain their lives, their dreams) whether remaining married or not. Keep listening. Keep asking her: Is this what you want for you and your children? and What will it take to get what you need?

Posted in Anger, Blended families, Communication, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice | 5 Comments »

July 22, 2007

My wife feels smothered by me…..

by Rod Smith

“My marriage is in deep trouble. I am really at my wits end to save it. In addition to some communication problems, my wife also indicated that she gets attracted to stable and successful men, but when she is in the relationship that stable environment smothers her and she wants to run. I do not dominate her and I support her with what ever she requires.”

You wife is sufficiently insightful to see the source of her issue is not you, her husband, but the presence you represent. Your presence (and success) triggers her desire to take flight from what she initially find desirable. Your challenge is to remain steadfast in your love and your commitment while remaining sufficiently separate (giving her “space”) all at the same time. This is not easy.

Your wife’s feelings emerge from a cavern deep inside her history and the ultra-complex psychology each of us brings to every relationship. I’d suggest you trigger, by your nearness, the uncomfortable memory of times she felt emotionally cornered, trapped, and powerless. Your wife needs space, not abandonment. She is insightful, and I hope sufficiently motivated to get through this, but you will be of no help if you try to push or maneuver the process.

Posted in Attraction, Love, Marriage, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Voice | 2 Comments »

July 21, 2007

Wife did not want any details…. she forgave me and that was it….

by Rod Smith

Q: About six months ago I had a heart-to-heart talk with my wife and said exactly this, “I have done things during our marriage that if you knew about them, you would leave me.” She paused then said, “Whatever it is I forgive you.” This is the actual conversation that took place. She did not ask for specifics or details. What would you make of this?

A: Fall on your knees and express your gratitude to God for such a wife. She sounds remarkably healthy, a woman who is fully aware that your behavior is about you, and expresses everything about the kind of man you are. Be grateful too, that having found for yourself a greater degree of honesty, you probably have a more stable and a healthier marriage than you once had. Your wife apparently knows, from the little information that I have, that re-hashing the details of the things you have done would be hurtful to her and an unhealthy re-enactment for you, while not making one iota of helpful difference to the future you will share.

(Submitted from Melbourne, Australia)

Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Voice | 1 Comment »

May 23, 2007

You know you’ve met a healthy family when…

by Rod Smith

1. It is frequently difficult to tell who, if anyone, is running the show.

2. There is a lot of noise and laughter.

3. The children sometimes form a healthy alliance against the parents, and the children often get their way.

4. There are frequent conflicts.

5. Differences are embraced, even encouraged.

6. Healthy families generate a degree of chaos almost everywhere they go. It takes a lot of energy to get the family to do anything together, as a group, because everyone is so busy with “outside-the-family” activities.

7. While such families intend differently, they are seldom on time for anything. They change their minds at the last moment and do something quite unexpected.

8. Roles and rules are not set in stone. Negotiation skills are highly valued.

9. Hurtful words and actions are avoided but quickly repaired when necessary.

10. The parents have a life together that frequently excludes the children.

Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Living together, Love, Teenagers, Voice | 1 Comment »

May 18, 2007

How to love and respect your wife:

by Rod Smith

Chime in, please...

Chime in, please...

1. Set career, academic, and health goals for yourself, and then work hard to achieve them.
2. Develop a network of diverse and supportive friends both on your own and with your wife.
3. Challenge your wife to be a mutual, respectful, and equal partner in every aspect of your relationship. If you have an urge to be in charge and think being in charge makes you more of a man, seek professional help.
4. Resist any forms of intimacy you or your wife find uncomfortable.
5. Believe in your wife’s honesty and integrity by refusing to lie or cover for her no matter how seemingly justifiable the lie or a cover-up might be.
6. Applaud and support your wife’s desire and her attempts to be close to her extended family.
7. Talk to your wife about what you see, think, and feel regarding matters that are important to you, and offer her opportunities to do the same with you.
8. Resist “shutting down” or playing the silent game or the “hurt puppy” when you do not get what you want.
9. Take full responsibility for your children by spending large blocks of time (three-day weekends) with your children. Do not recruit any help from you wife or extended family to do this.
10. Be as interdependent as possible. Find fulfillment both within your marriage as a husband, and as an individual. Enjoy being husband and dad without losing your capacity to enjoy life outside of each of these wonderful roles.

Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Victims, Voice | 2 Comments »

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