April 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
Begin now, today, to be the kind of woman you want to become in the future:
1. Stand up for yourself without pushing anyone else over. Speak your mind. Say what you want to say. See what you see. Say what you see you see.
2. Be your own “virus protection” program by keeping the “bad” out and let the good in. Bad: gossip, unfriendliness, rudeness, lies, unnecessarily excluding others. Good: standing up for what is right, good, and just, being “open” and not “closed” to others, being welcoming and friendly to more than just your closest friends.
3. Decide to be a kind and good person even when you see people being mean to others.
4. Choose to be an agent of healing when others are hurt.
5. Don’t surrender your power to anyone – it is always yours to foster, protect, and use, first for your own good, then for the good of others.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Single parenting, Space, Triangles, Trust, Voice |
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April 10, 2010
by Rod Smith
Expect sabotage....
Gathered from several sources (Murray Bowen, Edwin Friedman and others) here are principles to steer your life into a more powerful journey than you might already be enjoying:
1. Stay “in relationship” with persons with whom you are facing conflict. Cutting off is seldom helpful.
2. Expect sabotage – it will arise naturally from persons threatened by your success. Remain aware sabotage could also arise because you are pushy. Be sufficiently self-aware so you can tell the difference.
3. Set personal goals that are higher than the limitations others will readily set for you.
4. Intentionally increase your levels of intimacy while simultaneously, with the same persons, intentionally declare your distinctness.
5. Try to say yes more often than you say no. Live with the expectation of adventure rather than be overly cautious and fearful.
6. Give up all attempts to monitor and control ALL other adults. Remember it is NOT love if it not thoroughly based on freedom of choice, thought, expression. Remote controls are for TVs not people.
7. Forgive absolutely, unilaterally before it is asked and if it is not. This is about you, not the person offending or hurting you. Forgiving others does not mean condoning hurtful actions or passively watching it occur.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership |
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March 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
Leadership is often misunderstood. I see leaders (pastors, teachers, coaches) looking for formulas, for steps, for ways to show who is boss. They look for workers (congregants, students, athletes) who will make them appear successful. I have seen leaders grasping for power and status in the illusive search of abating feelings of inadequacy.
And when we (every leader is prone to these temptations) do any of these things as leaders, we miss the point.
Leadership is an inside job.
It’s an internal condition. It’s understanding a function, a role, rather than becoming an identity in which we glory.
Authentic leaders are more interested in changing themselves than they are in changing others. They are more committed to personal integration (reducing hypocrisy) than they are into pushing, moving, manipulating others in a particular direction.
In pursuit of greater levels of personal integration, authentic leaders are ruthlessly honest with themselves and with a few core carefully chosen family members and carefully chosen friends. They are unafraid of feedback, and when and if they are, they overcome it by facing the fear and enduring the feedback. Authentic leaders consistently pursue the double-edged goal of constantly increasing both intimacy and autonomy at one and the same time.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening |
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January 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
Behind the smile.....!
Leadership of your organization (church, synagogue, mosque, hospital, or school) is troubled when:
1. The leader (or leaders) seeks only good news and discredits and discounts negative feedback.
2. Underlings protect the leader from the real truth, real numbers, or what the people are really saying. Underlings run interference and see it as “caring” for the leader.
3. The economy, marketplace, competition, government, or a combination of all are repeatedly blamed for the state of the organization.
4. There are “inner-circle” persons who know the real scoop on what’s going on while others are left guessing.
5. Gossip is rampant and an air of secrecy prevails.
6. People feel trapped but cannot necessarily understand why or how.
7. Planned events to get people together, or to create “buy in” or to “honor everyone” (or dinners, socials) feel contrived because such events are ways to avoid the the real issues and avoid necessary conflict.
8. Behind a ready (public) smile is a short-fused angry man or woman who is set off (in private) by minimal inconveniences.
9. Phrases like “let me remind you who the leader is” and “I don’t want to play the heavy hand but…” mark the encroaching authoritarian edge in the organization.
10. Severed or strained relationships remain unresolved but “life goes on.”
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Leadership, Listening |
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December 23, 2009
by Rod Smith
Some things are overrated for their power to shape people. Before I am barraged with mail, kindly note I am not suggesting these things are not important. I am suggesting they are offered more power to heal or hurt than appropriate:
1. Parenting: While of course it is important parents do all they can to be good parents, do the right and loving thing, and be available to help and correct and love their young – multiple factors influence and shape children into adults. Thank God my children are infinitely more than, much more, than a product of my parenting.
2. Empathy: Counselors spend much time developing their ability to embrace the experience of the client – as if understanding the client, feeling what the client feels, is in itself the silver bullet of greater mental health. Empathy is not, in itself, a useful end. Thank God my professors offered me personal challenges, invited me to embrace change, while also attempting to understand and embrace my experience.
3. Childhood: I believe our self-help culture has managed to convince the masses that, pivotal to ensuring healthy adulthood, is a happy childhood. While no one in their right mind desires an unhappy childhood for any child, an unhappy childhood does not preclude a person from a full, purposeful, and prosperous adulthood. Look around you: many men and women with the most troubled of childhoods have risen above it all and changed the world – for good.
Posted in Adolescence, Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships |
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October 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I will not get in your way. You may work where you choose, worship where you choose, and have all the friends you need and want. If you want to further your education I will do all I can to support you. You are absolutely free and do not require my permission for anything. I know the trust that we have developed between us gives me the confidence to know that you will always choose well and wisely, and when and if you do not choose well and wisely, I know your unwise choices do not arise out of an intentional desire to damage yourself, our relationship, or me.”
“I, in turn, will not get in your way. I will create space for our mutual benefit, work hard for our mutual enrichment, and honor the respect the trust we have built up over the years we have known each other. While I know I do not require your permission to enlarge my life through developing my career, and by developing many meaningful friendships, or enjoying a life of discipline and worship, I will willingly use the freedom that is inherently mine for our continued and mutual benefit.”
“Lighthouse” – friend, and reader, develops the theme —: “I will not (covertly) get in your way. I will collaborate with you prior to committing significant time, money, emotional resources and/or physical effort to ensure that our expectations are aligned with our mutually beneficial goals. I will do what I say so your trust in me is earned. When we have not explicitly agreed something, my actions will honor our relationship nonetheless. I will encourage you to uphold your agreements and thank you for your efforts every day regardless of the results. I will engage when reality doesn’t match our expectations so we may learn from the experience, forgive those that failed to keep their word and forget the situation. I dedicate the time to talk with you because it is the exchange of such emotional intimacies that differentiates our deepening love from that of my love for family and friends.” (Thanks, “Lighthouse,” for your valuable and beautiful contribution)
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Voice |
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October 22, 2009
by Rod Smith
I am convinced that no matter how rough a person’s past is, or how traumatized the present might be, or how bleak or absent possibilities might seem, there is always hope for a more fulfilling future. Today I shall be an agent of hope.
I am convinced that no one is thoroughly bad (there is something redeemable in the “worst” of humanity) and no one is thoroughly good (everyone must combat his or her own “dark” side). Today I will offer guarded trust to all whom I meet.
I am convinced that while in the depths of the bleakest of circumstances, loneliness, and pain, some people attempt to display a brave front. Today I will be an agent of kindness to those who have to hide their deep pain.
I am convinced that my own happiness and fulfillment will be incomplete while it is at the expense of my integrity, while it requires someone else to lose, while it is contingent on darkness or deceit. I will live honestly and without manipulation.
I am convinced that conflict is a necessary part of fulfillment and integral to love. Today I will readily engage in helpful conflict that I may learn to love others more deeply than I have done before.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery, Single parenting, Space, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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August 25, 2009
by Rod Smith
Embracing life and blessing others....
my sister was Facebook. Hardly a birth or birthday on three continents misses Jennifer Arthur’s attention. She remembers wedding anniversaries for at least half of Durban and, now that she is on holiday in Australia, I am sure she gathering friends and addresses and birthdays all over the Central Coast. If you met my sister on a bus between terminals in a busy airport and shared the briefest moment of chitchat you’d be guaranteed a Christmas card from her forever.
She is a living switchboard connecting people whether they like it or not. Family members or old friends, who for whatever reason try to get away, have no hope. She’s onto them – writing, phoning, being so nice they come sprinting back into the fold.
It’s uncanny. She is always “online” and by this I mean “up” and happy. Unlike computers, my sister is never “down.” I have never met a child who didn’t want my sister to be his or her grandmother. She’s “Granny Goose” or just “Goose” all over the place.
Yes. Long before you ever clicked to be someone’s friend on Facebook you were already on my sister’s list. She is just waiting for you to accept her friendship – then she’ll get your snail-mail address and send you a birthday card until you die – after that, and forever, she’ll send “I’m-sorry” cards to all your relatives on the day that was your birthday.
Posted in Friendship, Leadership, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 15, 2009
by Rod Smith
It all connected...
experienced with their children, who then, during the conversation, will openly confess they have no time for a mother or father-in-law, their own parent, or are out of sorts with an adult sibling. When I gently point out that these conflicts are possibly connected, fueling each other, I am met with disbelief.
“You’re saying that my fights with my son over his homework (or irresponsibility, or drinking) is connected to the fact that my father-in-law is an impossible man whom I have refused to talk to for the past five years?”
Indeed.
“You’re saying that my ridiculously controlling mother who walks in here like a movie director telling us all where to stand and what to say is connected to my 12-year-old daughter mouthing off to me however she likes.”
Indeed.
When the adult takes the challenge of embracing the “impossible” father-in-law, or standing up to the “controlling” mother, the adult is taking personal responsibility for his or her pivotal relationships. A parent who takes full responsibility for himself or herself when it comes to relating to members of their preceding generation, will see less anxious, less reactive, less rebellious behavior in the generation that follows. Yes. It is all indeed connected.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Responsive people, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My ex-wife and her new husband misrepresent me to my three children (8, 10, and 12). When I see my children on weekends they are guarded and anxious. Where do I start to get my children to see they are being turned against me?”
ACT, Australia
and talk with your ex-wife about how this situation is impacting you. The most important thing is that the adults work at the best solution for this transition for the children. Separation and divorce hits kids deeply. Remarriage on both parents’ parts must be as difficult, or even more so. It’s important for the children to talk about how they feel and what they think about what’s happening in their lives. Knowing that both sets of parents are working together will be helpful to the adjustments that are needed.
USA
This issue, real or perceived on your part, is an adult matter, and it is to be addressed by the adults. It requires an on-going conversation among all the adults. I do not mean dialogue through Email or phone calls. I mean regular, scheduled, face-to-face discussions; meetings where all the adults (parents and step-parents) sit together around a table and give focused time to discuss how each adult will play his or her part in appropriately providing and caring for the children. Is this difficult? Of course it is. Parenting is for adults. Step-parenting and co-parenting is for super-adults! The more the children see all the adults working together, talking together, and providing each other with appropriate support, the more likely the children are to turn difficult circumstances into personal strengths and assets – and the more likely they are not to “side” with one parent over another.
Scotland
their loyalties between parents. I wonder how they really feel about it? I can hear your fears that they are being turned against you… The best thing you can do is to continue being the best father you can be for them; no bribes, no turning them against their mother and new step-father, no spoiling them. Trust them. Children have an uncanny way of sensing when they are with people who are genuine. Take them to the park, have fun with them, respect them, and teach them to respect you, and their mother, and stepfather. They will then have no reason to feel guarded and anxious around you, and you will have no reason to feel anxious and defensive around them.
Midwest, USA
, hopefully the adults in this equation. Therefore, it is your responsibility to find time and maturity to be able to talk about what is bothering you or what you suspect to be happening. The children have gone through a lot with your divorce and what they need is parents who can communicate with each other as their care givers. Talking to your kids will only serve to pull them further into the circle of anxiety, and doesn’t give them a chance to get out of the middle of your
dance with your ex-wife. Talking about a person when he or she is not present is gossip, and is an attempt to gain emotional closeness. Don’t do as your ex has apparently done. Sort the matter out with her and her new husband, and leave your kids out of it. They will be very grateful to you for it.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, Leadership, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
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