February 27, 2017
by Rod Smith
Ten signs of the presence of spiritual abuse, manipulation, domination, or intimidation.
Spiritual Abuse (always on a continuum) is occurring when a pastor, leader, or even a friend:
- “Hears” God for you. God apparently “goes through” him/her to speak to you. This requires a sense of superiority – from him or her and is often framed as being “more mature,” and a sense of being “less” from you.
- Alienates (shuns, ignores) you if you do not adhere to his/her guidance, leadership, or authority. This is usually VERY subtle – so it is easy to deny.
- Suggests that rejection of his/her “higher understanding” is done so at your spiritual or even physical peril. You will hear things like, “Be careful. You will move yourself from the covering and protection of God if you don’t listen to me.”
- Rewards your obedience with inclusion, and punishes your questioning or resistance with withdrawal. Compliance gets stroked; resistance gets struck.
- Demands “cathartic” honesty. Unless you spew out every detail of your life you must be hiding or withholding something and that “something” will, of course, impede your spiritual development.
- Lavishes you with praise, acceptance, and understanding when you are “good” and “pushes” you away when you are “bad.”
- Is apparently fixated on the use of titles like reverend, pastor, elder and cannot appear to relax in the company of “ordinary” mortals. The issue is not in the use of legitimate titles (or robes or religious garb) – it is that identity seems impossible without the titles or the trappings.
- Leaves a trail of cut-off relationships. Usually in the trail are those who refuse to bow, to submit, to stand in awe of, to be thoroughly entranced by, the will of the pastor, the leader or the friend. Always regard with suspicion or caution leaders who are cut off or alienated from members of their family, especially their parents.
- Lives from a “for me/or against me,” “black/white,” “all/or nothing” platform of “relationships.”
- Genuinely sees God’s Call so zealously, so fervently that any signs of resistance are seen as the expressions of The Enemy or an enemy – thus, relationships are expedient (disposable) in the light of getting on with God’s work.
The perpetrators of abuse apparently fail to see that reconciliation, and forgiveness, “space,” and room to move, and room to respectfully disagree (boundaries, morality) are all part of the glorious work of the Gospel.
Freedom begins with recognition. Recognition must result in action.
Stand up to those who misuse their positions of leadership. Spiritual abuse serves the welfare or neither the perpetrator nor the victim – quite apart from the disservice it does to the church.
All authentic holiness, spirituality, Godliness, is LOCAL. If it’s not present and respectful in the most immediate one-to-one relationships (spouse, child, secretary, mail-carrier, in the traffic, at the airline check-in, with the dog) it will not be authentic in the one-to-many relationships, no matter how many thousands or tens of thousands make up the many.
Posted in Addictions, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Manipulation, Recovery, Responsive people, Sexual abuse, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence |
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July 17, 2012
by Rod Smith
Is found in our connection with others (a connection sufficiently powerful so that we are not alone) and can therefore give and receive strength to and from each other. It is yet separate enough so that we not drain each other of the adventure of being unique and distinct beings. This is one of the greatest blessings accompanying our humanity and, when it fails, it becomes the source of exceedingly powerful pain.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Living together, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Single parenting, Space, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 14, 2012
by Rod Smith
1. You experience greater OBJECTIVITY and can “see” your most important relationships as if looking at them through someone else’s eyes.
2. Despite any pain, any trauma, any uncertainty, you can see some HUMOUR in what you are experiencing even if it is short lived.
3. You are progressively gathering a small community of friends who know everything (or almost everything) about you and their SUPPORT is becoming easier to trust.
4. You are seeing with greater and greater CLARITY what are and what are not your responsibilities within your most important relationships.
5.”No” comes easier and it is not accompanied by guilt. “Yes” is your response when you really want what you agree to. You begin to BELIEVE the words you say. Your words reflect you, your desires, and are not said from guilt or the impulse to keep the peace or make others happy.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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June 19, 2012
by Rod Smith
“You and Me” will be a little different today. You have three invitations:
1. Please send me the names of the 10 books you believe every English speaking child should read by the time he or she is 15. Please don’t refer me to website. I want your personal list of essential children’s and young adult literature. Kindly indicate “m” of “f” if necessary. Skip Potter, “Vampire” books, and anything with Chicken Soup in the title.
2. I received this yesterday from Kayise Maphalala, producer of Three Talk, SABC Television. If interested please contact Kayise at kayisem@urbanbrew.co.za:
“Three Talk is doing a show on forgiveness and one of the areas we would like to also look at is forgiveness in relationships. Would you be so kind as to recommend a couple who has gone through a difficult patch to come in and talk about the importance of forgiveness. This is for a show next to be aired on Tuesday, 26th June 2012.”
3. I have “pushed” Passionate Marriage (David Schnarch) and Failure of Nerve (Edwin Friedman) for years as the best books on (respectively) relationships and leadership. What books am a missing on these two topics? Please send me your suggestions. It is summer in the USA. I have vast amounts of time (I am on three months leave) for reading.
Posted in Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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July 1, 2011
by Rod Smith
1. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself to her marriage or motherhood. She has a strong spirit of independence while being a loving wife and mother.
2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).
3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.
4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.
5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.
6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Living together, Love, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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June 30, 2011
by Rod Smith
It is within my power (albeit limited) to make this an extraordinary day, to be followed by an extraordinary weekend.
I have the ability required (albeit limited) to be a loving, kind, firm, and responsible member of my family, my neighborhood, and my city.
I know how to serve others – and I will do so with a thankful heart.
I know how to listen to others – and I will do so with an attentive ear.
I know how to live a generous life – and I will give and help relieve the suffering of others.
Today, and this weekend, all people in my circle of influence will be better off for knowing me.
Children will get my ear.
The elderly will get my time.
Persons within my most intimate circle will get both.
I will not complain about anything. I will not pick on people. I will not focus on what is wrong with the world, but will try to be part of the healing it so desperately needs. I will live today, and this weekend, with a deep sense of gratitude, paying careful attention to the beauty and the vibrancy of life everywhere.
Posted in Differentiation, Faith, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Voice |
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June 5, 2011
by Rod Smith
You may earn more than I do and live in a nicer house – but our loneliness is probably the same. When it rips us apart it doesn’t really matter who has the most cash or the nicest home. Loneliness doesn’t care where we live or about our financial status. Invite me in – perhaps we can be friends and ease our common pain.
You may be more educated than I am and you may have graduated from a respected university – but I know that if you regard anyone, anywhere with contempt, your education has given you little worth knowing. I may not be very bright by your standards but I do know that truly educated people never use it as a weapon. Talk to me – I might be able to teach you a thing or two.
You may be more travelled than I am and can talk about places I have not heard of or could afford to visit in my wildest dreams – but if travel has made you contemptuous of your homeland and its peoples then travel has not done its finer work in you. Citizens of the world find beauty and wonder everywhere. Come to my house – my culture is as interesting as any you will find on any distant shore.
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Love, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Voice |
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June 2, 2011
by Rod Smith
Teamwork is not easy
A highly functioning team, school, church, or organization:
1. Sticks with an essential, identified, agenda.
2. Knows why it was formed and why it continues to exist.
3. Knows what it wants to accomplish and can measure its progress.
4. Values individuals, values the “whole” without losing sight of either.
5. Regularly articulates group and individual roles, goals, and dreams.
6. Discourages rescuing (saving) behavior among team members.
7. Encourages necessary conflict.
8. Encourages internal dialogue and negotiation, yet sets limits on each.
9. Addresses gossip, rumor mongering, and other group destroyers and cancers.
10. Plays as hard as it works.
11. Acknowledges necessary hierarchy without being driven or defined by it.
12. Encourages “downward mobility” or authentic power gained through service.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust |
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May 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Take UP your life - it is an act of LOVE
1. It is
self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.
2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.
3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.
4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.
5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.
6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.
7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.
8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.
9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.
10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 12, 2011
by Rod Smith
I'd love to speak at you Leadership Event
1. Room (space, freedom) is offered for the expression of creativity.
2. Use of good humor (good humor has no victims) is encouraged and enjoyed.
3. Individuals remain focused upon their unique, specific roles without bleeding, leaking into the roles of others by over or under functioning.
4. People refuse to initiate or ferry gossip, participate in unhelpful innuendo, or promote any form of interpersonal sabotage be it subtle or gross.
5. Problems, or perceived problems, are addressed first at the apparent source, then with those who are empowered to act to alleviate or solve the problem.
6. Self-definition at all levels is encouraged. In other words everyone is encouraged to Show up, Stand up, Speak up for him or herself.
7. Rocking the boat is welcomed (by the leaders) when the boat needs rocking.
8. Leadership and leadership styles are open to legitimate assessment and challenge.
9. Dialogue, negotiation is authentic. It is not offered so people can “feel” as if they have a say or to promote so-called “buy in.” Dialogue, negotiation are either legitimate (can influence an organization) or they are a manipulative sham.
10. The leaders are unafraid to reprimand, to fire, and to cleanse the group of toxic elements in the organization – despite the tenacity of toxic personnel to invade, diminish and destroy the functioning of others. This is most difficult in volunteer organizations such as churches, clubs, and not-for-profits but it is no less necessary.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Manipulation, Responsive people, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice |
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