May 31, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. To be the most generous person you know.
2. To hold everything you own with an open hand.
3. To share everything you know with willingness.
4. To do all you can to empower the people within your circle of influence.
5. To be able to say “yes” more than “no” to the adventures that come your way (Ed Friedman)
6. To have the capacity to “see beyond” the limitations set by your family history, your nationality, and your faith story.
7. To be able to live within your means.
8. To embody forgiveness, freedom, and grace for all who will repeatedly and naturally attempt to sabotage you as you live your full and passionate life.
9. To embrace your dark side (everyone has one) by trying to understand it, accept it so that it will not need to push itself onto your center-stage and take you by surprise in response to your denial of its presence.
June 1st, 2010: Today our journey to Australia and Singapore begins. Traveling in the USA used to be a pleasure. Now it is usually a nightmare: no food on domestic flights, heavy security, frequent flight cancellations, lots of impatient “entitled” people. You can only imagine what all this means to my two boys! Hoping for two successful connections: Chicago and San Francisco.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Young Love |
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May 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Rules of engagement” for conflict between friends and lovers and members of the family:
1. We fight to love each other more powerfully while understanding that conflict is sometimes necessary to remove or negotiate our way around natural restrictions that come in the way of all love.
2. We fight to better understand each other and because some deeply seated beliefs and positions are only clarified through benign conflict.
3. We do not fight to hurt, damage, or destroy but rather to clarify thinking, to define ourselves more clearly, and therefore, to see each other more fully.
4. When we fight we do not bring old issues into the fray, triangle others onto our side, or hide behind Scripture or other sacred writing.
5. When we fight we do not use stereotypes about men or women, race, creed, culture, or nationality.
6. We put a time limit on our conflicts, agreeing that the necessary conflict will not pervade every part of our relationship. Troubles in parts of our relationship do not need to contaminate the whole.
7. When we fight we will always give each other the benefit of the doubt, the offer of complete forgiveness, and an open dialogue free of cynicism, sarcasms, and retribution.
8. We will agree to disagree, respect our differences, and embrace our similarities. (From Gail S. Gibbons)
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
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May 19, 2010
by Rod Smith
When dealing with difficult situations or difficult people…..
1. Your responses are more important than the difficulties or the problems presented. You can choose to escalate (step up) the anxiety or embrace and reduce it (step down). The latter is usually infinitely more productive, although at times, purposefully escalating issues can bring necessary change. It takes wisdom to know the difference.
2. Knee-jerk, reactive behavior will usually hurt you, while planned, creative, and honest responses will facilitate resolution and healing – if resolution and healing are even possible.
3. Not all conflicts can be resolved, nor can all painful or destructive circumstances be healed – but it is possible to allow everything we face to become a transformational crucible, a context that stimulates growth, provokes change, and transforms our character. “What can this teach me?” is a more useful response than, “How can I win?”, “How can I be vindicated?” or “How can I get out of this?”.
4. It is helpful to acknowledge that some people are so toxic, destructive, bitter, or disillusioned that resolution is impossible – and it is better to sever the relationship than it is to play with their fire. By the way, they are often the “nicest” people. Beware of nice! Be even more aware of “religious and nice.” It is often a calculated front. (“Buite blink; binne stink!” This is an Afrikaans idiom: “Outside sparkles; inside stinks.”)
5. As a general rule grace and flexibility will triumph over resentment and rigidity, forgiveness is always more powerful and liberating than harboring resentments.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Meditation, Responsive people, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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May 16, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My husband became friends with a girl at work. He started staying at work longer than before. Then he started taking 4 or 5 hour hikes with a few ‘male friends.’ Big surprise! I found out that it was with her and only her. Anyway, she moved a thousand miles away. I thought we could once again be his best friend and get back to normal. After a year he tells me that he doesn’t love me and that he hasn’t since last year. He said he didn’t cheat. I explained that even if he never even kissed her, confiding his feelings to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we are in a sinking ship. I’m the only one trying to bail us out. He’s waiting for it to sink. I still do dearly love him.” (Letter shortened)
I like the metaphor – but there are three ships: yours, his, and the marriage. Bail out your own ship (work on yourself), let him worry about his (don’t try and rescue him) and the marriage ship will take care of itself (which does not men it will survive). Until you love yourself more than you love him you will all go down.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Recovery, Schnarch, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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April 21, 2010
by Rod Smith
The primary error of tea (hot tea that is) etiquette is to regard it as simply a drink. It is not. It is a way of life. It is an act of celebration. When served using good china, sipped with an appropriate mystical gaze and a small, appreciative twist of the lip (extended “pinky” is optional), tea drinking is the salute of an unseen army pledging allegiance to all things refined.
To prepare the perfect cup of tea, boil the kettle, and, while the water edges toward boiling point, place teacups and saucers at the ready. Unless you are drastically ill, on your very last legs, please do not use a Styrofoam cup, a coffee mug, or even a teacup without the saucer. Such lackadaisical tea drinking should be kept in utmost privacy, never displayed in public.
Place a sugar bowl (the teaspoons nestled next to the cup and on the saucer) and milk jug around the centerpiece teapot and wait, suspended with expectation.
At the first piercing shrill of the boiling kettle, which, by the way, is music to the ears of long-time tea-drinkers, agility of mind and body are required. Much is at stake in this very brief, urgent moment. From the kettle, tip half a cup of boiling water into the teapot. Swill it around until the teapot is warm, then, in one swift movement toward the sink, rid the warmed pot of the water. The teapot yet warm, lift the teabags from their container (using one bag for each guest) and toss them into the hot water.
As the tea draws or steeps, quiet chatter might be deemed appropriate within some factions of the tea-drinking community, although I was taught to always maintain awe-filled silence.
It is at this point that milk (a mere drop) is poured into each cup. Entire populations argue that the tea precedes the milk into the cup, but I hope it is clear on which side of this chasm I sit. A little tea is poured into the cups until each has been visited perhaps three times until they are seven-eighths full. This circular motion to fill each cup with each visit ensures all participants are served a cup of tea that is equally strong. As free, somewhat uninhibited chatter naturally flows among guests, offer guests sugar. Once again, know there are factions who consider the addition of both milk and sugar an act of severe sacrilege, but many people are often very wrong about much.
Finally, an offer of tea should not be refused. If you really do not want tea, the reply to “Would you care for a cup of tea?” is “That would be really lovely thanks; I will participate later.”
Posted in Differentiation, Education, Family, Friendship |
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March 30, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I follow you articles with interest. Your column on ‘forgiveness’, has never been more appropriate or relevant as it was today. On Sunday night, after my wife and I had conflict with our son, our hearts were broken and we felt betrayed and offended. In our minds our son was beautiful, caring, and a model of consistency. This was shattered in one moment. We all cried!
I went to his room to say goodnight and that I love him, but I did not forgive him. I don’t think either of us slept.
The next day (today) I left for work before he woke up. My heart was very heavy. I read the paper and with it came your ‘forgiveness’ article.
I copied it and took it home then and there. It could not have come at a better time.
It made me realize a few things: Nobody is perfect; my job as his father is to protect, offer advice, guide, respect and most of all love; I need to provide him with an environment that he can make mistakes and allow for normal engagement. He must not be afraid to come to me, for anything. I can’t wait to see him tonight!
Thanks for the help, I really needed it.”
(Edited for space and privacy)
Posted in Communication, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
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March 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Forgiveness is a wonderful, divine, gift. It can most dramatically precipitate healing among and within people. He who chooses to forgive seldom loses. He (or she) who initiates forgiveness reveals his strength. It is the stronger person who is first to forgive, and when the exchange is made, both parties – the forgiver and the forgiven – each benefit from the act.
As quickly as you find it possible, and can muster the strength from within you: forgive when you have been wronged; when you are uncomfortable being around a particular person and would rather avoid them; when you find you have little or nothing positive to say to or about someone; when you always look for a way to avoid a certain person;
when you find it hard to think positive thoughts about someone.
Forgive when someone’s actions (real or perceived) seem to be buried or sealed into your consciousness and you can’t seem to free them from the prison in your head. Forgive when you feel haunted by someone whose acts against you will not let you go.
Forgiveness links us with the divine, heals fragile families, hurting communities and restores hope within broken people – and sets the forgiver free.
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
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February 25, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My son (16) has from very young displayed the most unvelievable stubbornness on some issues. We have come to understand it as being inflexible explosive behaviour that it is incredibly difficult to work with. Usually there is a pattern and there are times when one is able to reason and resolve, other times there is no warning and the explosion or meltdown occurs. It is usually because he has not been able to get his own way despite our explanations. He indulges in defiant behaviour such as in this last instance, staying his bedroom for 25 hours and sleeping most of the time. Upon arising my attempts to talk to him are met with a blank. How does one handle someone who resorts to defiant behaviour when he doesn’t get his own way? I believe it is time for him to find alternate, more mature ways of dealing with issues – or am I expecting too much from a 16 yr old?” (Edited)
While I could say “take him by suprise” or “change the rules” I am going to resist suggesting the solution is easily found. He sounds depressed perhaps relating to some broader matters. I am hereby asking readers to express their opinions and experience before I tackle your question again in a few days.
Yesterday’s column clearly hit a hot button. Here are two of may responses…
“I was amazed at the description of the stubborn 16 year old. It could have been a description of a family member of mine who has been diagnosed as depressed. For a long time we all thought it was purely a self-centred nature or a short fuse. Based on learning the hard way my advice to the parent would be to stand up to his behaviour. If an explosion occurs walk out of the room. Do not try to reason or explain. Being depressed does not give anyone the right to abuse others. The depressed individual is quick to see a pattern forming: ‘If I have a tantrum everyone will do as I wish, out of fear, or just to keep the peace.’ If you fall into this trap you are setting yourself up for much misery and are not doing your depressed family member any favours by playing to their brattish behaviour.”
“My first impression was that the boy suffered from a lack of discipline. However, the problem appears to have existed from a very young age and appears to be a more deeply rooted problem. If I was in the shoes of the parents I would consult a psychologist/psychiatrist as Bi-polar comes to mind.”
One reader’s view regarding the defiant 16-year-old….
“The story of the stubborn, defiant 16-year old makes me smile. The mother has waited 16 years too long to start disciplining her son. One of my daughters had this same strong will, it was not an iron will, it was stainless steel! Her first few years made life very difficult for us, until I started reading books about the strong willed child. When she was old enough to begin understanding that her tantrums were not acceptable we began teaching her. Whenever we told her to stop whatever was unacceptable, and when I counted to 10 and she did not stop I would give her a smack with my wooden spoon on ‘the seat of learning’. After about 6 weeks the truth sank in, and I only had to warn her: the wooden spoon treatment became now very rare. She grew up into a delightful woman. The Bible tells us to spare the rod and spoil the child. Unfortunately this has now become forbidden in many countries.”
Rod Smith, MSMFT
your experience ends happily. I’d welcome a comment from your daughter whom you say is a “delightful woman” – and hear her comments on your discipline.
I fear she might be too afraid to tell her truth.
Posted in Adolescence, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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February 15, 2010
by Rod Smith
Love her mother....
(former Durban City soccer star) wrote to me this week. Celebrating the joys of parenting of his infant daughter triggered his reminiscing: “You never taught me how to do this,” said his brief note referring to when I was his school teacher. You are correct, Grant. There isn’t curriculum that can effectively teach you to be a dad. Nonetheless Grant, here are a few challenges:
1. Dedicate yourself to your daughter to the same degree you enjoyed the dedication of your own mother and father. You could not have had better parents.
2. Love, serve, and honor your partner. Loving your child’s mother is the single most powerful way you can love your daughter.
3. Be as committed to honesty with your child as you were with others when you were a boy.
4. Don’t let the mundane, but necessary, tasks wear the joy out of you. Babies need fun more than they need clean nappies.
5. Go away for an overnight and a full day often with your daughter – just the two of you. Get no help packing or planning from anyone.
6. Finally, leave the teaching to your daughter. She will teach you how to be her dad more effectively anything you will ever teach her.
(Name used with permission)
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Friendship, Listening, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice, Womanhood |
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January 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
Behind the smile.....!
Leadership of your organization (church, synagogue, mosque, hospital, or school) is troubled when:
1. The leader (or leaders) seeks only good news and discredits and discounts negative feedback.
2. Underlings protect the leader from the real truth, real numbers, or what the people are really saying. Underlings run interference and see it as “caring” for the leader.
3. The economy, marketplace, competition, government, or a combination of all are repeatedly blamed for the state of the organization.
4. There are “inner-circle” persons who know the real scoop on what’s going on while others are left guessing.
5. Gossip is rampant and an air of secrecy prevails.
6. People feel trapped but cannot necessarily understand why or how.
7. Planned events to get people together, or to create “buy in” or to “honor everyone” (or dinners, socials) feel contrived because such events are ways to avoid the the real issues and avoid necessary conflict.
8. Behind a ready (public) smile is a short-fused angry man or woman who is set off (in private) by minimal inconveniences.
9. Phrases like “let me remind you who the leader is” and “I don’t want to play the heavy hand but…” mark the encroaching authoritarian edge in the organization.
10. Severed or strained relationships remain unresolved but “life goes on.”
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Leadership, Listening |
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