November 10, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I expressed to my partner that I was feeling like a ‘girlfriend with benefits’ or a ‘convenient mistress.’ He was offended, yet when (by my choice) our relationship was no longer physically intimate and he was preparing wages for his domestic, he observed that he should perhaps pay me for ‘services not rendered’. He has expressed some objection to taking me out, paying for the evening, and then having to say goodbye at the door and go home.” (Edited)
Thanks for writing...
with this man I’d suggest you pay your own way. While he perceives paying for an evening out with you as a trade for “benefits,” and you cooperate with his wishes because he has spent money on you, then you are indeed little more than a hired mistress. Apparently the space between you has become clouded and toxic. Your unique wants have polarized the two of you and it is probably time to call it quits.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
Leave a Comment »
November 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
This is someone you once loved....
1. Your former spouse is a person whom you once loved.
2. Your former spouse has a family that was once also yours.
3. Your children will benefit from seeing that people who disagree are also able to work together.
4. It is possible to be cordial and cooperative even after a marriage has broken down, even after there has been infidelity, even after there have been cruel words spoken.
5. While the divorce is final and painful, the good memories remain good memories, the love once shared was once real.
6. Little is gained by speaking negatively of your former spouse or former in-laws.
7. Children will have a natural resistance to new partners, lovers, or spouses – to moving house or schools as a result of your decisions to divorce.
8. Using children as a means to getting what you need and want is hardly helpful to the well being of the children.
9. Having “adult” meetings – with all the adults present – to talk about co-parenting is probably a good idea.
10. It is possible to find joy and happiness even after divorce.
11. Sometimes (in response to trauma), life becomes a series of approximations, adaptations, of negotiated positions, which ultimately form into a renewed platform for a fulfilling life which, while within the immediate turmoil, no one can see or imagine.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Voice |
1 Comment »
October 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My son (12) and my daughter (14) don’t like their stepmother but when they play their cards right for her she buys them stuff. I don’t like to see my children manipulating to get things from her. Should I step in and say something? We are not really on good terms with each other.”
Let then be...
that the challenges I will place before you are most difficult to achieve – but I repeat: parenting is for grown ups; successful co-parenting is for saints. So…
Do all you can to get on good terms with the other woman who is co-parenting your children. I am not suggesting you become bosom pals but “cordial adults” would be a helpful arrangement for all concerned.
Avoid stepping into the mix with your children and their stepmother. All three have a lot to teach each other. Approaches from you will hinder the process. While no parent wants to see his or her children develop manipulative habits, this is a matter for you to directly address with your children. Your children will manipulate if it works, and will not, if it doesn’t. Take care of how they treat you, and allow their stepmother to discover her own unique relationship with her stepchildren.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
Leave a Comment »
September 20, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband checks my emails, my cell phone and computer history, and my credit card statements. He also grills me daily about my conversations. He’d really prefer me not to work so he knows where I am and what I am doing but we need the money. You’d think I have a history of indiscretions the way he goes on. He’ll even know I have written this email to you and he won’t be happy about it. What can I do?”
Stand up to him....
you are going to have to take back the legitimate power you have over your life. Jealousy and controlling behavior are NEVER signs of love. The man has a virus and cooperating with it (the virus) will only make things worse. While you have been conditioned to think you have few or no options, you have more than you realize.
Understanding you will pay for your actions, stand up to him, change your passwords – do whatever it takes to secure your privacy. That you have nothing to hide doesn’t mean anyone (even your husband) ought to have the freedom to look. Men who have the need to control their wives usually have real control over little else. If, as a result of your stand, he gets a life of his own, he won’t have the need to monitor or be so consumed with yours.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
August 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am recently divorced and left my marital home with my son (4). The ex still lives in our marital home. He and his girlfriend (the reason for the divorce) and her kids spend most of their time at this house and so does my son. My son is acting out and wants us to go back home. It’s so difficult for me to make him understand we can’t go back. I love this child who is my absolute life but he seems to want to be with his dad rather than me. This hurts so much. I don’t know if I can cope much longer with him always crying for his dad. He cries for me when he’s with his dad and cries for his dad when he’s with me. He’s also turning into quite a manipulator like telling me that he won’t have breakfast if I don’t take him to his dad. Please help.”
India
Your son is trying his best to “communicate” how he is feeling… unfortunately, divorce is not something he will understand until he is older. You and his father must come to an agreement about how to put his needs first.
USA
This is difficult for you to grasp yet you want a four-year-old to get it! Increase your capacity to tolerate his pain while decreasing your dependence on his love. The boy wants to go home – don’t make it about preference of one parent over another.
ACT, Australia
distressed because of the divorce. His behavior is about what’s happening NOT because he prefers you or your husband. Really strong loving boundaries are needed for him in this painful transition.
Scotland
Your son really isn’t a happy little chap, his life is insecure and unpredictable. He ‘acts out’ because he can’t ‘speak out’. You and your husband must work together to provide stability for him.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Voice |
1 Comment »
July 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My ex-wife and her new husband misrepresent me to my three children (8, 10, and 12). When I see my children on weekends they are guarded and anxious. Where do I start to get my children to see they are being turned against me?”
ACT, Australia
and talk with your ex-wife about how this situation is impacting you. The most important thing is that the adults work at the best solution for this transition for the children. Separation and divorce hits kids deeply. Remarriage on both parents’ parts must be as difficult, or even more so. It’s important for the children to talk about how they feel and what they think about what’s happening in their lives. Knowing that both sets of parents are working together will be helpful to the adjustments that are needed.
USA
This issue, real or perceived on your part, is an adult matter, and it is to be addressed by the adults. It requires an on-going conversation among all the adults. I do not mean dialogue through Email or phone calls. I mean regular, scheduled, face-to-face discussions; meetings where all the adults (parents and step-parents) sit together around a table and give focused time to discuss how each adult will play his or her part in appropriately providing and caring for the children. Is this difficult? Of course it is. Parenting is for adults. Step-parenting and co-parenting is for super-adults! The more the children see all the adults working together, talking together, and providing each other with appropriate support, the more likely the children are to turn difficult circumstances into personal strengths and assets – and the more likely they are not to “side” with one parent over another.
Scotland
their loyalties between parents. I wonder how they really feel about it? I can hear your fears that they are being turned against you… The best thing you can do is to continue being the best father you can be for them; no bribes, no turning them against their mother and new step-father, no spoiling them. Trust them. Children have an uncanny way of sensing when they are with people who are genuine. Take them to the park, have fun with them, respect them, and teach them to respect you, and their mother, and stepfather. They will then have no reason to feel guarded and anxious around you, and you will have no reason to feel anxious and defensive around them.
Midwest, USA
, hopefully the adults in this equation. Therefore, it is your responsibility to find time and maturity to be able to talk about what is bothering you or what you suspect to be happening. The children have gone through a lot with your divorce and what they need is parents who can communicate with each other as their care givers. Talking to your kids will only serve to pull them further into the circle of anxiety, and doesn’t give them a chance to get out of the middle of your
dance with your ex-wife. Talking about a person when he or she is not present is gossip, and is an attempt to gain emotional closeness. Don’t do as your ex has apparently done. Sort the matter out with her and her new husband, and leave your kids out of it. They will be very grateful to you for it.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, Leadership, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
Leave a Comment »
July 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am the other woman in a relationship of five years. It just came out, and now the wife is leaving. I feel horrible. Should I contact her and confess? I have felt guilty for years but never ended it. I probably never would have ended if this wouldn’t have happened. The guy wants to still continue to see me but I just can’t.”
From Canberra
, feeling valuable and significant in a special someone’s life can override any of value/belief systems. Confessing to the wife will not alleviate your guilt. Perhaps this present circumstance is a good time to explore deeper why you put yourself through such inner turmoil in order to get your needs met.
Stay out....
Don’t fall for the “closure” nonsense. You will be no help to the wife, and, it is already established that you and the husband are no good for each other. Five years is a long time to deceive. I have no doubt deception will have become a way of life for you, possessing somewhat of an addictive quality. Although you have contributed to significant damage for this couple, you cannot participate in their, or her, healing. Don’t try. Your complete disregard for the sanctity of marriage reflects on your apparent disregard for yourself. It is going to be a long road, but I hope you find the one that leads you to a realization of your own inestimable value.
Remove yourself....
that you became the “other woman.” Feeling guilty for years is the direct result of living a lie. It’s interesting that you ended it after the wife found out and is leaving. A confession would serve to alleviate some of your guilt perhaps, but is irrelevant and may cause more hurt to the wife unless it is something she requests for her own healing. Remove yourself. Allow them to deal with the pain that is the consequence of an extramarital affair. Learn from your feelings of guilt, sit with them, and allow this to stop you from dating married men again. Spend energy working on yourself consider the possibility of becoming involved in a healthy relationship that is open and free.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
4 Comments »
July 1, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I’m 30, 6′2″ and Christian. I am a former athlete and model with two masters degrees and still a virgin. Recently I had an affair with a married man and I broke it off but he text-ed me yesterday and I changed my mind. Me? The other woman! Never. He’s well known, charismatic, a leader/mentor/father and is almost 20 years my senior. I’m tired of being alone and somewhere close to the twentieth bridesmaid dress. Men come along, but they’re significantly shorter than I am. I always like feeling protected and taller guys are preferred. My friend asked me, ‘What is it about you and unavailable men?’ Please help.”
Write to us...
Desperation, no matter how educated or decently packaged, is unattractive to healthy men. Ironically, it makes you a sitting duck for predators as in the “leader/mentor/friend.” Seeing a married man will not land you in your own wedding dress.
Here’s my suggestion: Get your focus completely off finding a husband (or someone else’s husband) and make peace with your parents and the members of your family who are one generation immediately before you. Get legitimate protection – then you will not need to seek it at all costs.
Welcome, Kathryn!
You are a quick fix, a way for him to escape into the illusion of love that only holds the attention for so long. Lasting relationships are founded on truth, if marriage is what you desire.
Consider spending time discovering who you are, what it is you need and desire out of a relationship and hopefully, when you begin to know yourself better, you may become the bride. Cut all communication and remove yourself from the situation.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
4 Comments »
June 28, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My ex-wife and I were divorced after a long, bitter fight. After the divorce, my ex claimed all the contents of the house: furniture, appliances, curtains, curtain-rails, everything accumulated over ten years. Recently, I picked up my children from my former sister-in-law’s. To my disgust I discovered that half my furniture now decorates her living room. For ten years I opened my house to her. She had keys to come and go as she pleased. I thought perhaps she should use better judgment when accepting gifts.”
Take up your life
The real material lies unclaimed between you and your former wife. For your sake, and for the sake of your children, get your understandable residue resentments taken care of. This action, on your part, will not necessitate even one conversation with your former wife. It is not about her. It is thoroughly and completely about your response to all that has occurred.
Divorce is war. Killing a marriage is violent business, and you are its hostage. Your former sister-in-law may have poor taste and your old curtains, but it is peace you are missing. Regarding the living room, I get it. But I am not sure your former family will.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
Leave a Comment »
June 21, 2009
by Rod Smith
Help your child take up his or her life... despite your divorce.
of almost all divorce and hardly anyone in a family escapes it. The enduring stress, the separation period preceding the divorce, the event itself, and the process of adjustment, all impact family members.
When divorce is regarded as a process, and not an event, the impact is likely to be somewhat eased. Out of the ruins of a broken marriage people do not easily embrace such principles. These are goals to work toward. Doing so is likely to ease the impact of divorce upon the children. It is worthwhile noting that remaining married is often easier than becoming divorced. There will be times when being divorced (from a person) is more difficult than being married (to that same person).
Assuming no sexual abuse or violence has occurred, the following attitudes expressed by both adults will allow for the best outcome when two adults divorce:
[The writer assumes the reader understands age and development appropriateness]
1. We will discuss the divorce with you, together, on a regular basis. We will not hold it as something vague or secretive.
2. We are divorced (are no longer husband and wife) but we remain your parents.
3. It is our divorce, not yours. The implications affect everybody, but it remains our divorce.
4. We were once happy as husband and wife and you were born out of our love. We found parenting to be rich and rewarding. (Ignore if not true).
5. We will always help and protect you and willingly cooperate with each other concerning you.
6. You have done nothing to cause our divorce and nothing you do will restore our marriage.
7. We will say nothing negative about each other, ever, anywhere, and to anyone. We will “hold our peace” with each other once the legal aspects of the divorce are over.
8. We will not use you as a go-between (message bearer, mail-carrier, anxiety lightening rod) between us.
9. When you face inevitable choices, we will clearly communicate with you about your options. When this is impossible, we will tell you why it is impossible.
10. When choices cannot be made easier, we will do all we can to make them clearer. You will always have as much choice as your age can accommodate.
11. We will support each others values and rules and will try to establish a similar atmosphere in each home.
12. We want you to do well in life. Our failure at marriage does not mean you will failure at life (or marriage, or child-rearing, or school, or politics, or staying sober).
13. We cannot predict the future, but we will both talk about it with you as we see it developing. You will have as much information as possible about your family and about you.
14. You will have as much power over your life as is age appropriate.
15. You will be able to visit both extended families. Your extended family will be as helpful to you about our divorce as we are. They are also committed to speaking only well of each of your parents. (Ignore if untrue. Let this be a goal if it is untrue).
16. You have permission to embrace any person each parent might include in his or her life. Accepting and loving a stepparent some day, will not be regarded as disloyalty. You might even choose to call that person “mother” or “father” without resistance from either of your parents.
17. All the adults (step and biological parents) will regularly meet, all at one table, to discuss matters relating to you.
18. We will try to lessen the amount of travel between homes so that you might be as settled as possible.
19. Failure at any venture on your part is not because of the divorce. Many people have had divorced parents and have made successes of their lives. You can do the same.
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Divorce |
Leave a Comment »
difficultrelationships.com 