November 22, 2017
by Rod Smith
I’ve never been impressed with personalized car license plates unless they were particularly clever or humorous.
Until now.
The Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles accepted my request for “BROGFT” to declare my brother’s gift.
The brand new Mazda 6 in our family is a no-strings-attached gift from my Australian brother.
May every Mazda you see remind you that such brothers and sisters exist. The beauty in the car is more than its sophisticated engineering and sleek lines – I hope your knowledge about my gift provokes the generosity that also exists in your family line. My car is not just a top-of-the-line Mazda. It’s the fruit of years and years of my brother’s part-time, self-funded education and then years and years of very hard work – shared. It’s more than a car with a leather finish. It’s a symbol of love and generosity. It’s more than a replacement for the ailing and beloved diesel, manual, 2003 Beetle – it’s a symbol of the “opposite spirit.”
In a world where it seems everyone is holding on to everything a stashing for personal gain, I have a brother who is not.
Go, and do likewise.
#Mazda #Gift
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Love, Mazda, Responsive people, Voice |
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November 21, 2017
by Rod Smith
What’s your inner-voice saying about your diet, spending, gambling, or your role in your family conflicts? I bet you hear or feel the nudge of your inner-voice when you speak harshly to others or are hard or cruel. I thoroughly believe that many of our interpersonal troubles come from the unwillingness or the inability to hear or trust our inner sane voice.
There’s a sane and beautiful person living within you and he or she is trying to get through to you.
If you think things through you will agree that you know what’s good and right, and what is not. I believe we know when we are using others for our own purposes and when we sacrifice their best interests for our own.
We know what to eat and what to avoid.
I know if I am lying or twisting truth in my favor.
Even the most hardened of liars is aware of it – even if the “skill” seems “second nature.”
Of course there are men and women who do indeed have schizoid conditions and to whom this column would not apply – but the vast majority of us have a sane inner-voice that’s aching for a hearing.
Listening in, acting accordingly, would save us an awful lot of pain, trouble, and therapy.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Voice |
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November 21, 2017
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Tuesday
This Thursday will be Thanksgiving in the USA. Millions will travel “home” or “to the grandkids” and, for most, enjoy a traditional Thanksgiving meal of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and local “fixings.” Families will eat and then play board games, kick a football, watch football on TV, or sleep off the effects of indulgence. Churches will feed the homeless and, no matter what a person’s means, the nation will somewhat unify around the national table and offer thanks for the incredible excesses of this wonderful country.
Most of us develop a “grateful” list. Here’s mine:
• My health and the health of my sons. It’s easy to forget that I had a massive heart attack 20 years ago and I have five stents in my heart. My sons are the gift that has kept me living. (No pressure boys). They are in perfect health.
• Family, friends everywhere – and the men and women with whom I share life.
• My daily wonderful job; clients who trust me to share in their lives; the men and women who read my work.
• The vast capacity for generosity that is in every person.
Yes, I am grateful for the kindness that lives within you, dear reader. My hope is that we will all express it freely and widely.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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November 19, 2017
by Rod Smith
• Love and control cannot live in the same relationship…. it’s one or the other. You can’t have both. You don’t “allow” your spouse or your close friends more freedom, anymore than you “allow” wild birds to fly, or the seasons to change, or the morning to follow the night. Freedom is a divine gift. Caging, or restricting another, or manipulating another, (and often it is done in the name of love) is the very antithesis of love. It kills relationships. Sometimes the death is slow, sometimes it’s quick. But, it is never helpful.
• Generosity, forgiveness, and hospitality, are among the most powerful gifts people can offer each other. Give freely and your heart will grow, your courage will multiply, your chances at true happiness will all-the-more likely become yours.
• Chasing more education, committing time and energy to a small group of friends, finding a place to regularly serve and love others, will cumulatively, add greater meaning and happiness to your life, far more than any acquisition usually associated with happiness. It’s not in what you’ve got or what you have not got – it’s found in who you serve, who you love, and within the joy of constant discovery and learning.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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November 16, 2017
by Rod Smith
What is the year teaching you? Please, reflect and let me know. Here are a few things I am learning afresh and re-learning:
- Trust broken is hard to restore. My experience is that forgiveness can restore broken trust but the ability to trust again can take a long time to restore. This is especially so with close friendships and infidelity in marriage.
- No one is more important than anyone else. To be intimidated by another is a waste of opportunity and energy. Yes, we all have different roles. We are afforded a variety of degrees of power and responsibility that come with our varying roles, but using that power to lord it over another is the surest indication that the power is in the wrong hands.
- Some individuals are so significantly hurt that the real person has disappeared behind shame, regret, and pretense. The defense has become the identity. The vulnerable person inside died a very long time ago and, sadly, will probably never be known.
- Ignored conflicts and family issues that are unaddressed will remain and usually grow. The issues may change shape, may go into hiding, may remain latent for decades – but they will surface and get necessary attention.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Leadership, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Womanhood |
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November 15, 2017
by Rod Smith
Slow down. Stop. Look at the beauty around you. Take it in. Breathe deeply. Treasure the moment. This will embolden you to….
Listen to others. Make eye contact. Don’t wait to speak or one-up things someone tells you with a better or more dramatic story. The person with whom you are talking probably wants human contact and meaningful connection and validation more than he or she wants a contest or a race. Listen to what people say and to what they don’t say. The latter may be far more meaningful and significant than the former. The person with whom you have this sacred moment is probably as lonely as you are, as afraid as you are, as desperate as you are, and as desirous of significance and validation as you are. Welcome this fellow sufferer into your circle – even if it for a few brief minutes – and make it unforgettable.
If you are talking to a child do what is necessary to be eye-to-eye and unearth the patience within yourself to treasure the moment and to ask questions and to engage the child on the child’s terms.
Indifference is a killer; engagement, involvement, and interest are its antidotes.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Grace |
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November 14, 2017
by Rod Smith
There’s a cartoon I glimpsed that has stuck with me. The simple sketch and caption found an indelible place in my heart, mind, soul, spirit, brain, memory, or some combination of all these internal “places.” I list them all –I am sure there are more – because none of us know where within our complex human hard-drive these life-shaping things are stored.
“If you’re ugly on the inside eventually it will show on the outside,” the caption read. I thought of how the caption echoed Jesus who said, “The mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
Our lives are driven and guided by this inner-place.
In his new book, “Barking to the Choir,” Father George Boyle talks about the deep and hurtful matters in our lives that will be “transmitted” if they are not “transformed.”
He talks about the “language” of our lives – and how they can be lived from a heart of hurt and rejection or from peace and healing. He writes about burying over 200 victims of gang violence in his Los Angeles parish and about being treasured by his homeboys – the men and boys who have left their lives of violence and found lives of grace – as he continues his own battle with cancer.
If you are beautiful on the inside it will show on the outside.
Posted in Addictions, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Victims, Violence |
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November 12, 2017
by Rod Smith
“My son (17) son is in grade 11 and addicted to marijuana. My husband and I have tried to get him to stop but he seems unable. He has made two or three attempts but these have not worked. He does not achieve well at school and goes out a lot. He insists on driving unlicensed. My husband and I seem unable to control his behavior. We are at our wits end. I feel that I would prefer him moving away and fending for himself once he turns 18. Kindly offer me some guidance.”
It is easy for me to identify with your feelings of helplessness. I have seen this many times and I feel perhaps as helpless as you do with some of the issues and struggles I see my own sons encounter.
There is something to be said for his two or three attempts at finding healing for his addiction. Were these things he tried on his own or did he get professional help? I’d suggest it’s impossible for your son to face these demons on his own.
I applaud and admire your willingness to see him move away when he is 18. Your insistence may well remove the structures than covertly enable his academic irresponsibility and his need for a cure seem less necessary.
Posted in Addictions, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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November 10, 2017
by Rod Smith
I confess. This week has not been my easiest week in a long time. I have found myself being edgy, reactive, and a little more sarcastic than usual. I have had to try and tame my sharp-edged tongue my entire life.
As I reflect to gain some perspective, I look for my responses (or reactions) to what’s going on around me and try to see how what is going on around me may be different from our well-traveled family routine.
My blame-meter is up. I want to look for the ways life seems to be coming at me, targeting me, gunning for me. It feels as if there’d be some reward to being a victim. I could, if I wanted, see the glaring imperfections in my younger son’s public high school (he’s of 3800 students) and his day begins at 7:18am! This makes for a daily trek beginning at 6:20am for both of us.
“First world problems,” I tell myself. “Grow up,” I tell myself. “Read some of your own columns,” I persist.
Then, with some distance attained, some injection of humour, and a little time with my peers and my community, I brace myself, and ready myself for a great and fruitful and restful weekend.
Join me, please.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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November 8, 2017
by Rod Smith
A family of mom, dad, and three children (all the children under 8) and grandparents were eating near me in a restaurant. Dad was adding out-loud how much he owed each child as he or she ate at the rate of a dollar per mouthful. Mom was showing one child how it is possible to eat and not lose points in the game he was playing on his phone while he ate. The other two children – both younger – had apparently already mastered that skill on their devises. The grandparents looked on with that distant but mildly amused and resigned look.
I head off home and I wonder if I will write about this experience. I amused at what I have seen but also aware that whatever I write may come off as judgmental.
My house is almost dead quiet. My older boy microwaved something and taken it up to his room. I can hear he’s buried in some Netflix series. My younger son’s got a game going on in his room. The only sounds are his frustrations that some friend is not online at the moment. The state of the kitchen reveals he too has helped himself.
“Get off your high horse, Mr. Smith,” I hear yelled from somewhere deep inside my head.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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