Who are you and who are you becoming?

We respond. We react. We learn. We hurt. We recover. We become. And we become more and more. We become day-by-day, year-by-year. We become what we do want. We become what we don’t want. 

A healthy identity is found in knowing, doing, enjoying what you are good at while accepting and embracing what you are not good at. 

It is being brave enough to discover and articulate what you want and what you do not want. 

There is much about your identity over which you have had no control and no say like where and when and to whom you were born. 

There is much about your identity that is in your hands to shape like how ardently you will seek an education, how strongly you will enforce your personal boundaries, how much you will protect and enjoy your deepest friendships.  

Our identities are wrapped in several layers, that which know and don’t know (think Iceberg). In concert, they have had a profound impact on who we have been, who we are, and who we will be.

Enjoy yourself and who you are becoming. 

If you cannot enjoy yourself can you just imagine how difficult it may be for others to enjoy you.

It’s Independence Day. 

I am reminded why I, an immigrant, love the USA…..

Opportunities are real: It is no exaggeration that this is a land of opportunity. Men and women of all ages, racial groups, ethnic groups, from scores of nations have “made it” here in the USA. 

Freedom is real: I can, I do, hold opposing political views of some close friends. Like i think I do, they have very good reasons for voting the way they vote and believe what they believe.

Resilience is real: It is a credit to this nation that vast extremes find simultaneous representation and hundreds of millions of people are able to “hold the tension” such extremes deliver. 

I have visited several nations where extremes would not be tolerated. It is my experience that in the USA one can be “left of Bernie and right of Rush” and find a welcome and acceptance with neighbors who reject both. (For those outside the USA Bernie is a US senator known for left wing views. Rush was a national radio personality considered by many to represent the far-right.)    

I am on rare occasions asked why I don’t typically post political content. First, a son asked me not to. Then, people vote how they vote for far deeper reasons than is likely to be influenced by social media. I seek no debate. I post this today because I do want my friends to know why I love the USA as much as I also love the land of my  birth – I have lived exactly half my life in each.

Learn the ART of living fully in your own head, and only, in your own head. Think for yourself. Try not to interfere when others think for themselves even when they express thoughts you’d never think. It’s allowed. MINDing your own business, avoiding crossovers, is a crucial and necessary art in the empowering business. Like everything, it begins at home. Your spouse, adult sons and daughters, your parents, all the adults you know have unique brains capable of their own thinking. You may find this harder than it sounds if you are accustomed to living in multiple heads other than your own, and in your own.

Why is this important? It’s fundamental to trust, growth, respect, equality, mutuality and all those good things. I’d suggest it would be highly disrespectful of me to assume I am better at doing your thinking than you are at doing your thinking. If I focus my mind on my business and trust you will do the same, the meeting of our minds has the potential to enhance both of us. Conversely, if every time we talk or spend time together you cross over in my head it is likely much of my energy will be spent, not in thinking and exploring with you, but in attempts to safeguard my head-territory. 

   Some of the clothes I am taking on my next trip

What will you do with your anger? 

I suggest you get in first. 

You will either deal with it or it will deal with you.

Yes, get in first.

Waiting too long may be to your detriment (it tunnels deeper and deeper into you) and the detriment of those who love you (who are subject to your hurtful outbursts) and those around you (who dance on eggshells around you). 

What many fail to understand is that Anger does not have the same capacity for denial its hosts have. The angry man or woman may claim “No Anger Here” and call the outbursts by more acceptable, nice-sounding names names, but anger doesn’t care about its hosts or how it is named or paraded.

Its a destroying virus and like any virus it attaches and grows and spreads and has no boundaries or limitations.

You will either deal with Anger or Anger will deal with you.

If you are reading this and getting angry – well, what more do you need?

Get the help you think you don’t need.

When you are calm and objective and can talk about how anger is eating you up – you are most available for help.

Fire can be fought with fire.

Not anger. 

Anger cannot be fought with Anger.

Destruction awaits.

Superpowers with no-strings-attached

I’m convinced that all humans have superpowers and when deployed, we have the capacity to radically transform for good our immediate circle of influence.

Hospitality is a superpower. As powerful as opening our home to guests and strangers is, it goes beyond that. It’s opening our hearts to all whom we encounter. It’s simple friendliness, a no-strings-attached welcome to all. 

Generosity is a superpower. It’s instinctive to share, to give, to alleviate burdens for others. When we extend this natural gift to those who least expect it from us, it elevates natural generosity into a superpower. It’s planned, no-strings-attached sharing of time and resources. 

Listening is a superpower. When we offer people undistracted, no-phone-glancing attention and hang onto every word someone says, we validate his or her story, his or her existence, and our own. It’s a no-strings-attached gift proclaiming “I see, hear and value you” in an often cold and indifferent world. 

Our capacity to treat all other people as equals (which we are) and with respect (which all people deserve) is a superpower. We can learn powerful and important lessons from anyone and everyone. This no-strings-attached acknowledgment of the treasures within all people, respects and elevates and empowers all.

What relationships are “beyond” repair? What about forgiveness and reconciliation?

Relationships are beyond repair when there has been any kind of violence. This includes emotional violence, sexual violence, physical violence. Repair is also unlikely where there has been pointed cruelty in the form of abandonment, betrayal, infidelity, demeaning or vicious behaviors. 

Reconciliation, as in getting back together, where such behaviors have occurred, is probably not impossible – miracles do happen – but it is usually not wise. Toxic behaviors – as listed –  are likely to reoccur when anxiety, stressors and stress, which are part of all relationships, return. No matter how deep or profound the change which facilitated forgiveness and reconciliation may have been, former behaviors are likely to resurface in the face of common life pressures. 

Even in the most extreme situations forgiveness may be possible. With enough time and distance and experience while under the spell and power of bitterness and resentment and its work within he or she who withholds grace and forgiveness, victims often welcome the relief and freedom which forgiveness delivers. He or she who has already been a victim often sees that holding on or staying angry becomes yet another form of emotional abuse. 

But, forgiving does not mean the relationship will or must continue.

Respect, trust, confidence – these treasures are intertwined, inseparable – are the life-blood of all healthy relationships. They are the “fresh air” and sunshine and vitamins of friendships, be they romantic or professional or platonic, or anything in between. 

Once lost or defiled, respect, trust, and confidence are very difficult, but not impossible. to reclaim or rebuild. 

While there are endless ways relationships are ruined, where trust is broken and confidence is defiled, and respect has been lost, repair is a rather simple, but not an easy journey.

Repair begins with humility, acknowledgment and apology. 

These elements are required of all parties, not only the person who is regarded as the offender. The person who has broken trust requires the humility to acknowledge damaging actions and the courage to apologize in order to find repair and begin to restore respect. But, reconciliation and repair will be impossible if the offended lacks humility and is unwilling to enter discussions with the possibility of reconciliation in mind. 

It takes two (or more) to tangle and two (or more) to untangle if indeed untangling is desired.

Not all broken relationships have to be fixed, but if one that has caused you pain is going to be fixed, it will require humility and respect and trust and confidence to set things in motion – even if all these treasured and intertwined elements were once defiled.

The importance of point of view and attitude cannot be understated. It influences just about everything you do each day. Decisions made at the beginning of the day, some simple and some more difficult and even painful, can set positive outcomes in motion. 

Here are “healthy confessions” for the day if you care to use them as a starting point:  

Just for today I will begin with a clean slate. I will give myself and others a fresh start and burden none of us with the unfinished annoyances or grievances of the past. 

Just for today I will aim for a bird’s eye-view on my family and all of my important relationships. This gives me a greater chance of avoiding off-the-cuff and harmful reactions and it will assist me to hold back on hurtful and unnecessary comments. 

Just for today I will live from a “yes” platform rather than default to “no.” I will do this when it comes to opportunities for learning and advancement. I will say “no” to what I already know to be unhealthy for others and for me. 

Just for today (tomorrow will have its own fresh opportunities) I will compliment others rather than criticize. I will focus on the good in others and be quick to affirm what I see.  

Knowing some others is by necessity casual and without intimacy. 

We live busy lives among lots and lots of people and so it is anticipated that many of our relationships will be and remain platonic. 

A form of tragedy, and I do not use the term lightly, is when our most intimate relationships get stuck in little more than a platonic rut. 

And, of course the most intimate behaviors can remain platonic and mechanical and lack any depth of authentic human connection. 

This is surely a definition of loneliness? 

Knowing another at growing depth is no easy privilege or joy. When approaching the success of really getting to know someone, we seldom arrive, but when it does, it is indeed both a privilege and joy.

It may hold the essence of happiness. 

Entering the world of another takes patience, time, commitment, love, wisdom and tenacity. 

It is not that others are so elusive, evasive or enigmatic. 

The problem is that it is so very hard to know ourselves.

It remains true: the highest hurdle to knowing you is knowing me. 

I must do the work it takes to know me, so I may even begin to be interested in knowing you.

The depths of your grief and disappointments, the nucleus of your joys, will remain foreign to me while I am unwilling to delve into my own.