Archive for ‘Difficult Relationships’

April 12, 2023

What do you want to be when you grow up?

by Rod Smith

“Are you what you wanted to be when you grew up?” one of my sons asked me once. 

I recall playfully telling him the question was both kind and cruel. 

The question offered me time to reflect with deep gratitude for an incredible life of amazing contrasts and joys and explorations.

And, jaw-dropping regret. 

The truth is I am nothing of what I wanted to be or planned to be as a child, yet I am also far, far more than I had the capacity to imagine. My response was tough to try and explain but I think my son understood since I have repeatedly told both boys that life is simultaneously beautiful and brutal,  

You may have gathered I think a lot and write much about contrasts and paradoxes and I see them everyday. 

Perhaps you feel something rather similar or perhaps life has been a bed of roses for you – but I doubt it. 

Who plans to be divorced? Alone? In debt? Ill?

Adults often ask children what they want to be when they grow up and perhaps we should suggest our children respond with, “I’ll tell you if you tell me if your childhood ambitions have come to fruition.”

April 11, 2023

Do you give High Fives to your loved ones?

by Rod Smith

What I mean by giving you a “high five.”

I will endeavor to seek your Highest Good in my actions toward you. This may result in moments that you doubt my decisions but I’ll always be ready to discuss the counter-intuitive Nature of Love.

I will speak about you and to you offering you the Highest Praise and Affirmations as I see them. I shall endeavor to be accurate when talking to and about you. 

As best as I am able I will think Highest Thoughts about you and give you the benefit of any doubts. If given reason or cause to question your honesty or integrity I shall speak to you face-to-face and to none other unless it is absolutely necessary. Even then, I’ll keep you appropriately informed.

While it is your divine right and no gift from me I will endorse and support your Highest Degree of Personal  Freedoms to live as fully and powerfully as possible with or without my involvement.

In the hurly-burly and busyness of daily life rest assured that I have the Highest Desire a Parent (a spouse, an in-law, a grandparent, an Uncle, an Aunt – no connection intentionally omitted) can know for your success and greatness, which, counter-intuitively may look nothing at all like what is commonly believed to be success and greatness.

April 10, 2023

Book recommendation:

by Rod Smith

An almost perfect capturing of Bowen Theory in a very readable and entertaining and challenging work!

April 9, 2023

Easter’s Challenge Remains

by Rod Smith

Easter challenge remains

Buy it or not, the New Testament’s account of what occurred over what we call Easter, two millennia ago, is dramatic. It is at least as dramatic as the Christmas story with the baby, the crib and the procession of worshippers who came to greet the Christ child. 

Easter places the baby – now a guileless but powerful miracle-performing 33-year-old man – on the executioner’s cross, the the electric chair, the hangman’s noose of the day.

There’s every element of drama in the brutal saga that unfolds. Love, betrayal and denial. Unprecedented cooperation between superpowers of government and temple.

This man, who says he is God’s son, is paraded before the rich and powerful, then mocked and scorned. At the zenith of his need, a friend walks away, claiming Jesus to be a stranger to him. 

Then, he who healed the masses and raised the dead is himself dragged through the city for public humiliation and execution.

His death on “Good” Friday is grueling and gruesome. 

Yet, at the moment of his greatest pain, he considers his mother and makes plans for her care. He provides comfort to a common criminal also facing public execution. While fixed to the cross with nails through his limbs, he prays forgiveness upon his executioners, then yells out in pain because the God and Father he has loved since before the beginning of time is absent, has abandoned him. He breathes a final breath, and it is finished.

On the Saturday, his followers confront the reality of his death, the death of their dream and the end of a shared vision. Men and women who had ventured all on his behalf are now abandoned, leaderless. They have lost all. They who had forsaken all are now the forsaken. The leader of the sometimes unruly and diverse mob is dead, entombed with the door to the tomb sealed shut with a rock of considerable size.

Sunday comes and the tomb is open and empty. 

A crucified man is up and walking. 

He appears suddenly here and there presenting himself, sometimes in private to individuals and also to masses of people. Within days, he’s making breakfast on a beach, calling the one who ran away from him and denied him to join him for a meal that he has already prepared, having made the fire himself.

What landed Jesus in trouble was that he lived a life that supported and endorsed his claims. 

His life, not only his words and his teaching, challenged the ruling religious order. Few religions enjoy being challenged, let alone do they tolerate when a person making the challenge so completely “walks the talk.”

My faith doesn’t land me in hot water like Jesus’ faith did for him. This is not because I am not sometimes zealous about my faith, but because I am a hypocrite. I am not always who I say I am. I’m often not myself. I often fail to display integrity. 

Jesus was always who he claimed to be. 

He was thoroughly authentic, and it was this authenticity, this integrity, that angered people and upset governing powers. It rocked the status quo at places of worship and made him a sufficient threat so that his critics would take his life in the most barbaric manner their righteous minds could conceive.

The world can deal with my claims about myself. 

They are as fragile and empty as most people’s claims about themselves. 

Most of us, zealous or not, can tolerate the dreams of the guy next door. 

But it was not empty claims that got Jesus in trouble. Many had come claiming to know, be, or represent God. 

His life, his deeds gave profound evidence to the fact that he was who he said he was. It was this that authorities could not stomach.

At every Easter, we are each challenged to take the time to answer the question posed by Jesus to his outspoken friend: “Who do you say that I am?”

April 6, 2023

Family shifts

by Rod Smith

Mutuality, equality, and respect are the litmus tests for all healthy relationships. 

I am enjoying watching each of these values be challenged within my family as my sons transition from boys to full and grown men. 

Among us – the three of us – there are shifting power dynamics. There are changing degrees expectations. There are movements in responsibilities. These things are not always easy for each of us to see or understand as individuals. These changes can be even more difficult for us to accept and embrace as a family unit.

Perhaps you have been aware of similar changes in your own family.

Both boys are earning good salaries and so when we eat out I sometimes suggest one of them picks up the bill for our dinners rather than my sons assuming it’s my responsibility. The response is usually quite amusing but the point is made and one or both usually treat me to dinner.

I have been traveling significantly more lately than I have done in the last few years. When I arrive home the house is in reasonably good condition. My younger son picked up responsibilities that would usually fall to me and I see a healthy shift has occurred even though little or nothing was said or expected.

“We are three men now,” I tell them, “one of us just happens to also be dad.”

April 1, 2023

Healthy replies

by Rod Smith

Healthy replies to unhealthy prompts. These are not direct quotations. They encapsulate what I have heard from healthy people:

• No, I do not feel as anxious as you do about this – it’s not helpful if we are both immobilized. (Wife to husband over a business failure.)

• This is a conversation it seems you need to have without me – your adult sons and daughters want time alone with you. I understand completely. (Man to his wife in a second marriage.)

• Your accomplishments at school are yours. When you are doing well I will not take the credit. When you are doing poorly I will not feel as if I am to blame. You already have everything you need (from me) to be a good student. What do you need to change about your work habits? Start there. No, I will not speak to your teacher. You are perfectly capable of doing that for yourself. Your teacher is not responsible for your performance – you are. (Parent to son of 15.)

• I am very uncomfortable speaking about people who are not present unless you are full of praise for them. Gossip is not at all good for friendships. (Friend to friend.)

How you respond and behave is ALWAYS up to you.
March 30, 2023

22 years….

by Rod Smith

This week this column has been on newsstands every weekday for 22 years in one of South Africa’s morning newspapers, The Mercury. The Mercury is sold in KwaZulu-Natal and is one of the oldest newspapers in the country. 

It has been my privilege to build a faithful readership over the years. 

I’m proud to know I write for the newspaper that was my first “real reading” as a child. 

As a child I recall being fascinated that “The Idler” (backpage humorist) was able to write EVERY DAY.

Little did I know it would be my joy to be published daily for over two decades (so far).

March 30, 2023

Be the adult you want your children to be

by Rod Smith

Today, and every day, try to be the adult you hope your children will become. How else will they learn what it means to be an adult? Who else will teach them?

Try to stop blaming the teachers, coaches, or the school for your child’s every challenge, difficulty, or hurdle. Blame restricts maturing, yours and theirs.

Try to stop blaming the government, the economy, or prejudice for every distress or dilemma you face, unless you think blame will be a good tool for your child to take into adulthood. If you want your children to be adults who take responsibility for their lives then show them how it’s done. Your children won’t forget your temper tantrums no matter how young they may be; and they will probably emulate them.

Demonstrate, by your own display of excellent manners, the manner in which you hope your child will navigate life and relationships. It is true, they are going to watch and learn from multiple sources, but you are their primary resource when it comes to how they will respect and treat others. Little eyes are watching.

Respect, visit, and be kind to the elderly so they know exactly how to do it when it’s your turn.

Dismiss no one; look down on no one. Young eyes and ears are absorbing how to be in the world, and we, we parents, are the primary teachers.

March 20, 2023

Respect

by Rod Smith

What does respect look like? 

Respect is placing high value on privacy, even, perhaps especially, between and among people who are very intimate with each other. The deeper and greater the intimacy, the greater the need for individual space, even opportunities for extended solitude.

Respect is listening, it’s having the willingness to focus on what another is saying without correcting, interpreting, or interrupting. It’s developing an eye for what another may need or want and looking for ways to serve one another. It’s having an eye for mood and occasion, the ability to read a moment and to sense when strong emotions may call for deeper understanding.

Respect is having an ear for what is not said. It’s the capacity to read between the lines, to discern what may be uncomfortable to express. It is developing an ear to honour what another finds painful, the ability to understand that loved ones may hide pain, may want pain concealed, from some, but not from all.

Respect is found in the appropriate use of touch, touch to affirm, the kind of that says “You are not alone,” and expresses warmth, declaring the pleasure it is to share life with another.

[Merc 3/20/23]

March 17, 2023

To daily readers…..

by Rod Smith

To all who subscribe to these posts….. 

I want you to know I’m grateful for your readership. 

I’m sure you’re aware that if you “scroll around” you will see there are hundreds of short columns on many topics. 


Your readership is very important to me and I trust you continue to find my work helpful.


Please spread the word – I will never ask you for anything but to disperse to others what you enjoy or find challenging.


Sincerely,

Rod Smith