“My wife insists on making food for ill neighbors, baking cakes for the church, mending clothes for the homeless, knitting this and that for some missionary, and driving me crazy because she is so busy with doing things for others. I want some time for us to relax together and do some activities that do not always have to involve helping ‘the needy’ as she calls it. Our neighbors are far from ‘needy’ but she seems overly invested in doing things for other people at the neglect (‘neglect’ is too strong a term) of her husband. Maybe she’ll read this and know the letter is addressed to her.”

It appears you have been married for many years. I’d suggest you make requests of your wife to join you in activities you enjoy. If she chooses to proceed with her kind deeds, get out of her way, applaud her efforts, and continue to do what you enjoy.

You remind me somewhat of my father who’d playfully say our mother gave her parakeet more attention, and spoke to the bird, more than she spoke to him. He wondered if he should sit in the cage with the bird! All things considered, I’d suggest my parents were rather happily married.

“My brother and family are visiting from overseas. They have been out a lot and we have not seen much of them. I made a comment about wishing we could see more of our brother. His wife shouted abuse, ‘if there’s a divorce, it will be the fault of this family.’ She took the baby and moved out to her mother. Did I say something wrong? Should we keep quiet to avoid further tension?”

An in-law cannot “cause” a divorce – but your words could provoke exposure of the fault lines that are already in the marriage. So, continue to speak up. Speak directly to your brother and let him know you’d like to see more of him during his visit. Avoid using your sister-in-law to convey what you want to say to your brother. She is “laying eggshells” so everyone will “tread lightly” as she attempts to control her surroundings. As she has probably already silenced your brother (although I do not know this to be true) she is now attempting to silence you or at least keep you in check.

In a day or two I will write simple guidelines regarding how to visit family at “home” if you have chosen to live anywhere overseas.

“My daughter (22) is seeing a man who is 30. He has been married before while she has hardly had a boyfriend. I see him controlling her and this worries me. I know I have no say over her anymore but I stay awake at night watching this unfold and it is all too quick. Please help.”

Build, rather than burn, bridges. Express, as lovingly and quietly as possible, your concerns directly (face-to-face) to your daughter, and then step out of the way. If your daughter chooses to embrace this man into her life – which she is of course free to do – I’d encourage you to accept him and to include him into the broader family as thoroughly as possible.

That he has been previously married ought not be held against him – unless you, of course, have lived a perfect life.

I am thoroughly convinced that there are always reasons to hope. No matter how dire or conflicted the circumstance, no matter how bleak the prognosis, while there is life, and even beyond it, there remain reasons to be hopeful. Like you, I’ve seen hope in action. I’ve seen painful family scenarios, the most estranged of siblings, the most obstinate of personalities, turn, and find previously unimagined degrees of humility, and move in healthier directions.

But of course evil abounds, and it tries to rob us of hope. Of course men and women are capable of inflicting much hurt and destruction. But I believe that the good in this world by far outweighs the evil. There is goodness and kindness and benevolence latent in every man, woman, and child, and I believe it far exceeds an inner desire for hate and destruction.

And while I am well aware that this idea will be considered absurd in some circles, and heresy in others, I’d suggest that when a lonely woman reaches again for alcohol, or the deprived man engages in illicit behavior, or an adult or teenager self-destructs, these behaviors are desperate acts of prayer, desperate attempts at sanity, desperate attempts to relieve pain and even restore hope.

Care runs deep. Its impact endures, penetrates and enhances the heart and the soul. I know it. You also know it. Remember. Re-play the moment when a teacher cared, or a coach encouraged you. Recall the times your parents showed extra care toward you in sensitive moments, and the warmth and the love and the encouragement will come tumbling back into you. The moments of care, of acceptance, of validation will revisit and inspire you once again.

Perhaps even more powerfully, moments of neglect, abandonment, hurt, rejection, and violation can enduringly do their dirty work. Quite without invitation, bad memories can flood back in to debilitate, to re-salt wounds, re-open the scars. And when a memory holds the power to knock you off your feet or land you in an uncomfortable past moment, it ought to be subject to cleansing, evaluation, and sometimes to acts of grace and forgiveness.

It is easier to love when we have been loved. Similarly, hurt people can find hurting others acceptable.

But, we are human.

We are of divine extract.

We can cooperate with our pasts, where our past have been helpful, and, (and here’s the real challenge), we are able to rise above our pasts where our pasts have left us damaged, debilitated, and in pain.

1. Don’t talk too much. Don’t tell someone whom you have just met any intimate details about yourself (or about others).
2. Remind yourself that it takes years, not minutes or days, to find and make a soul-mate relationship.
3. While there are probably exceptions, regard “love at first sight” as being for teenagers. This will give you a platform of sound and healthy caution.
4. Never give or lend money to someone whom you see as a potential friend or partner.
5. Learn, use, and repeat names. Names are very important to people. Use them.
6. Just as soon as you hear yourself saying things you do not really believe, or you see yourself doing things that are out of character for you – back off. This is a good indication that all is not well.
7. Are you more you, or less you, for having met this person? If you have to silence yourself or monitor your natural behavior when with someone new – you have probably met someone who will not be good for you in the long term.