“I was the wife in an extra marital affair. The woman (You & Me, 22/1/2009) is at fault because the man was married, and, since he did not leave his wife in four years, he is in the affair only for a good time. She may have not given him an ultimatum but there is indirect pressure. She says his wife subjected him to “Henpecking, bossing him, sleeping in separate rooms.” This is only what he told her. The mistress would not know the truth. He told her only what’s music to her ears. My husband told his mistress that he only lived with me and had nothing to do with me. In the meantime there was nothing wrong in our marriage. Others looked up to us. Our friends asked us advice on marriage. My husband cherished me and showed me love with all his heart and showered me with gifts. He never forgot special days like birthdays anniversaries. This is behind us now after some counseling and lots of prayer. I forgave him for his mistake and we renewed our marriage vows. We now have an even better marriage than before, but my wounds are still healing and it will be a while before I place 120% trust in him again.”
Frank Graham
You may know Durban’s Frank Graham as a celebrity, a well-known voice, an actor of great reputation, or a sidesplitting comedian – but he was my teacher.
He knew that, as a child, I had a debilitating stutter. He knew I was terrified of being called upon to talk in the classroom or to be made the center of attention in the hallowed halls of Northlands Boys’ High School (now Northwood College). This did not stop him from subjecting me to the benign force that is good for a boy who needs a shove, who needs a fire started under his lazy rear. Mr. Graham, my Afrikaans teacher, did this for me.
There was much I loved about Frank Graham. He was a force to reckoned with in the classroom, a fine, fair disciplinarian, who always found the time to practice his jokes upon his admiring audience.
More than this, I recall cycling from my home in Blackburn Road to where he lived at the bottom of Broadway, where he’d painstakingly try to help me improve the quality of my schoolwork.
Thanks Frank, you’re a teacher’s teacher, and a gentleman. On occasion, as I recall, you are even quite funny.
Received: 1/26/2009
“My dear Rod
I’m still feeling slightly fuzzy, not to say overwhelmed, by your words in Friday’s Mercury. I was out of town at the time; in Jo’burg. A friend and colleague for whom I do recording work phoned me, bubbling with excitement and asked whether I’d seen your column. I only got back yesterday and another friend brought the clipping round …
You honour me with such a tribute and I thank you. I remember your stutter; I knew you as a nice kid and it only served to endear me more to you. I made enquiries to become aware of its origin, so I did know what the most probable cause was. I ever after took my hat off to your dad for realising that his drinking was tearing you apart and for stopping cold turkey – at least, that’s the way I heard it.
I do remember making you get up and answer just like everybody else, but you will remember that I never rushed you. You were fortunate to have classmates who liked you and didn’t take the mickey; at least, not that I ever saw any sign.
By complete coincidence, I saw the telephone number in the book today of another of my pupils who had a bad stammer. I think he was after your time: his name is Alex Keen. And I phoned him just to make contact; I haven’t seen him since he left. He is now a social psychologist (I think I’ve got it right) with rooms in Umhlanga Rocks drive. I’ve an idea that what he does is rather a lot like what you do. He was delighted to hear from me and we’ll meet soon. We must have been on the phone for nearly ten minutes and only once did I detect a slight hesitation. His stammer had been a lot worse than yours and I remember how he would sometimes slap his thigh to get himself going again which unkind morons found hilarious; I nipped that in the bud.
Thank you for your loving words, for that is how I view them.
“Sometimes rather funny …” – ha! Damned with faint praise! But at least you had said “side-splitting” earlier on! I prefer that!
God bless you, Rod – and thank you again.
Much love
Frank“
Controlling “love”….
“My husband won’t let me drive, see my friends without him, or even get a phone that he doesn’t inspect everyday. I know he will even be upset if he knows I have written to you – but I know how to delete Emails and take them off the system. He says it is because he loves me and is my protector. Please help.”
It appears it is himself he is trying somehow to protect, not you. Love does not micro-manage. You will live like this as long as he determines – while you give him the power to be so very loving. Until you start to resist his controlling ways you will continue to be his possession and his puppet.
Your freedom as a couple (I am sure he too is not having much fun loving like this!) will come after an internal rebellion has occurred within your heart and you begin to stand up, look him in the eye, and refuse to comply with these ridiculous barriers placed on you in the name of love.
His brother would hate to see him happy…
My boyfriend of 10 years says he doesn’t love me anymore and is tired of pretending. I feel like I just lost my best friend. I don’t understand how a man can go out every night and drink while he has a beautiful woman at home? He’s not seeing anyone else. He claims he wants to be alone. I know he is getting brain washed by his brother who has had a failed marriage and who would hate to see his brother happy. His brother has always put me down and has gone as far to call me ugly. This is a sad situation because my boyfriend is letting his brother win. I know my boyfriend is a good man with good intentions who is throwing away our relationship to make his brother happy. Please give me some advice.
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“Myths” and “Truths” about romantic love…
Myths about being “in love”:
1. The feelings last forever.
2. You always feel good about the person you love.
3. Love can “conquer” anything.
4. It’s permanent.
5. You will always forgive and forget.
The Truth about being “in love”:
1. Feelings come and go; commitment lasts forever.
2. You will experience a wide range of feelings about the person you love – and not all will always feel good.
3. Love, with commitment, can conquer almost anything.
4. Love, with commitment, matures, changes, grows – the feelings are temporary; the commitment is permanent.
5. Love remembers, love forgives, sometimes love even forgets. Love does whichever is best for both parties.
A woman writes and seeks opinion….
“Regarding affairs: it’s not fair to generalize. Of course affairs aren’t right, but life isn’t perfect and people change. People fall out of love all the time and it’s hard to hurt someone you’ve been with for a long time even when you don’t love them anymore. Affairs are a big ‘gray area’ where situations differ. Often, it’s two people finding each other at the wrong time. I agree that those two people need to do what is needed to make is right. Sometimes it takes time to work through the details. I found that my affair partner was ‘comfortable’ in his relationship with his wife but not in love with her. At the same time, she knew she had not done anything wrong. It was hard for him to hurt her and be the ‘bad guy’ in the eyes of family and friends. It’s the same with my husband: I no longer loved him but he had done nothing wrong. I simply fell out of love with him. Does that make my affair and me bad people? We care enough about our spouses to not want to hurt them, but realize it’s not fair to them or ourselves to live a lie.” (Edited only for word count)
I am the mature one in the relationship….
“My wife (21) and I (22) have been married since July 2008. We have a lot in common. Her friends are male. She is an online video game addict, does instant messaging and voice chatting online with other men in front of me. She gets ‘cute’ with a hand full of them and even met two in person. I said it was okay. I read a few of her private emails. She hints she was missing something in her life and wants more. I annoy her and it upsets me. She wants to go out more, twice without me. What should I do, or go for help? I am the mature one in the relationship. I clean up after her. I give her back rubs. She is my best friend and it’s driving me insane. I am jealous.”
You will be the mature one in the relationship when you refuse to serve and support her addictive, immature habits. Whatever is “missing” from your wife’s life will not be “found” on, or through, the Internet. Whatever is missing in your marriage will not be gained while you behave like a hired manservant to her immature pursuits.
I said I’d be “there” for him and I wasn’t…
“I made a promise to my boyfriend that I would always be ‘there’ for him. One day when he needed me I could not be there. He said he felt let down, very mad, sad about what happened. A week later he won’t let it go. He went from being happy, cuddly, and laughing to reserved, mad, and ignoring me. It tore me apart. I need to fix this, to tell him something that will put him at ease. He has a bit of a temper and whenever we have problems sometimes it lashes out, but he always keeps his promises to me. I need to restore his trust in me and I would like to make him happy again. I need help on what to say to him and how to stop this from happening again.”
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I did not tell her about my debt…
“I have been married for six months. Before I got married I have some debts that I’m no longer able to pay back because my partner doesn’t work. I never told her about these debts before. What can I do? My income is only enough for our rent and groceries.” (Unedited)
Take on a second, even a third job. Work all night if you must. Do anything it takes to pay your debts. If you were man enough to get yourself into debt – be man enough to work your way out of it. Although this has nothing to do with your wife, I’d suggest she get a job, too. If she’s somewhat angry at your lack of full disclosure before you married her, then accept her anger. It’s justified. PLEASE wait until you are out of debt before you father any children.
My new book…
A is for Autonomy — a brief, powerful reminder of 26 ways (A to Z) to be more healthy, more defined, more yourself, in your closest relationships
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This book is a must read if you are trying to find and maintain your voice in your most intimate relationships.
Each letter will provoke you to greater personal power.
Each letter has a short description of the principle promoted.
Each letter will make you want to get up and live.
“I am going to read this every morning, just to keep me on track,” Jennifer (Durban, South Africa)
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difficultrelationships.com 