Work on yourself, not the relationship

If you cannot be distinct and have the necessary self-awareness to be alone, it is unlikely you will be able to withstand the togetherness-pressures of a truly powerful, intimate, equal, and respectful relationship. He or she who cannot hold his or her own without a partner, will feel overpowered, overcrowded, or consumed when in an equal, respectful, intimate relationship. This is true unless he or she, in the name of love, gets lost in the relationship and “disappears”. Under such circumstances the “weaker” party will experience the relationship as a take-over rather than as a shared, mutual, adventure.

To work at your distinctness:

1. Express your opinion even if it is contrary to what your partner expects or wants to hear.
2. State what you want and don’t want even if it places stress on the relationship you have.
3. Maintain many and diverse non-romantic friendships.
4. Pursue interests outside of your romantic relationship even if your significant other has no interest in the same endeavors.

“I read your column about why people stay in toxic relationships with interest. I could have been reading about myself and I was amazed at your understanding of toxic circumstances.

“I married my ‘dream man’ when I was definitely looking for love and security. In a year I realised that he was a ‘man of straw’ and all the things you mention relate to me as well as intense jealousy because of my husband’s insecurity.

“He is selfish and totally self-absorbed. I was never physically abused but mental abuse is almost as bad. I don’t know how I endured, but I had decided divorce was not an option. I had four children by 30. When I did eventually contemplate divorce there were always reasons why I could or would not consider it.

“It has been a long hard road but God has brought me to this point and I can’t question why. I am a reasonably happy and contented person today and am at peace. I made a choice some years ago to be happy and I have lots of friends and many interests.

“I drew much comfort from your understanding of a difficult situation. As I would say, ‘Walk a mile in my shoes’ and then ask why I stayed.”

“My son and his wife have only been married a year and they are already are having some issues. They have asked me not to tell anyone even though I know some people who can really help them. I think they are embarrassed and are not ready to share and thereby cut their problems in half. It took me a long time to realize I was not alone before I’d talk to people and get the help I needed – and I don’t want them to make the same mistakes I made. Please help.”

Hold back and listen

While he is your son, in many senses his new family is a completely separate family, fully deserving of discovering and designing its own way to address life and all life offers. Garner the courage and the self-discipline to be a listening ear while learning to restrain yourself from the natural urge to fix what you feel needs fixing.

“I have lived with a man for 10 years. We have had minor arguments off and on. He is in a high stress environment at work. We have faced many accidents and even cancer throughout our time together. We talked about getting married, and buying a house together. Three weeks ago he told me he needs space. He wants to live in his own house and me live in mine and see me every two weeks. He told me also he wants no one around him right now that there is too much going on in his life. There is no other woman, just friends to talk to for a woman’s point of view. Does it sound like it is over? Do you think he has some major issues and he does not know how to deal with them? I have been very lonely and he knows it. He knows I love him.”

I’d suggest you kick yourself into gear and decide what you will do with the rest of your life – rather than wait for a man to face his potential “major issues” or tell you it is over. The only woman’s point of view he ought to consider after ten years is yours.

I agree I could have been more helpful to the man who now avoids dating divorced women with children. Here’s a sample, with minimal editing, of the landslide of mail….

“A bit harsh weren’t you? (Mercury 7/10/2010). Unless the hapless running fellow gave you a lot more than you gave us, seems you were having a pretty rough day when you penned your tart response!”

“You obviously have no experience of dating a single mother. Her guilt and self-recrimination at the breakdown of her marriage drives her to over compensate and not discipline the child. There is also the problem of paternal visitation as you normalise the family dynamics. It’s time for the child to visit daddy and returns bitter and twisted having been used as a pawn in the divorce. So I suggest to Mr. Anonymous to run, like the wind and find a childless mother.”

“I would disagree with your quick judgment. The man’s tone is a little cynical, but usually you are tactful, honest, and helpful. It’s not about controlling. I think your opinion of how to balance a new three-way relationship like that would be helpful rather. The question you should address is what/how SHOULD a gentleman do / act in a relationship with a single mom.”

My beautiful story begins with an email two days after the 23rd birthday of a very special girl. You see, this girl is the daughter I gave up for adoption at birth. It was the most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, mind-numbing thing I’ve ever had to do in my young life.

We found each other through an adoption website and quickly started communicating. I was shocked, excited and nervous all at the same time when we began exchanging emails. Will she accept me, judge me, be angry with me?

We made plans to reunite with family in August, it was a beautiful reunion. When our eyes met for the first time, the tears freely fell and we locked in an embrace that was so warm, beautiful and inviting I didn’t want to let go.

We spent hours looking at pictures of her life with this wonderful family that openly welcomed her as their own and raised her to be a beautiful, carefree, loving, responsible young woman.

She has welcomed her new family with open arms. We have so much more to discover about each other and my heart swells at the thought of her in my life.

My family is now complete.

submitted by “Shara”

It had been a sultry day in Durban and I had been rushing from meeting to meeting. En route to my final meeting I stopped off at a busy shopping centre to buy snacks for my book club. With ten minutes to get to my last meeting, I packed the shopping bags into the boot, closed it, and moved to the front door. A car guard was waiting politely to help me reverse from my parking spot. Car guards are plentiful in Durban. They can be “in your face” and generally not at all useful in assisting with either parking or exiting from a parking space. Many people (including me) consider them to be a nuisance.

As usual, I had no cash but I did find 50 cents in the car. I handed it to the car guard with an apology for the meager amount. I promised I’d him give more the next time. He looked at me, and, in perfect English and with an underlying French accent he said, “Madam, do not diminish your act of generosity by apologising for the amount given. It was given willingly, and with a smile. It is accepted with the same.”

Niki Armstrong

“Single mothers are highly problematic. I have dated two of them and the relationship typically suffers as a result of the mother-child relationship. When dating such a woman, one is jumping into the middle of the aftermath of a divorce, in some cases the ex-husband hanging around when the the ‘new’ boyfriend comes in. Then there’s the problem of the mother’s regimen of discipline toward the child, often non-existent. And, what can the ‘boyfriend’ really say or do about the child’s behavioral problems? Such ‘families’ have significantly and damaging bitter ends. While single mothers are attractive when I see one now I run the other way!”

I’d suggest you keep running – from all women. This will save at least a few women the tiresome bother of dating a man with controlling, narcissistic tendencies.