“I was involved with a 60 year-old man that I gave my heart to. We were in a relationship for months. He even got me through my pregnancy. He so loved for me. And this last month he just made me feel like I wasn’t of any importance to him. He came up with all these ridiculous excuses as to why he changed towards me. I had found him on this stupid chat line on numerous occasions when he said he was sleeping. I did everything for him. I never denied him of anything. I built him up telling him how much I loved him and that he was amazing and did everything a girl could do for her man and all of a sudden he breaks up with me. I honestly feel there is someone else or an old lady his age.”

Since age is an issue for you (you refer to “an old lady his age”) and you are clearly much younger than he is, I can only assume things will be better for you if you take his change toward you as an option to end the relationship. Rather than focus one what he needs and wants (or doesn’t want) you might want to think of your baby needs.

I get many letters about missing family members who have moved overseas. Here’s an extract from one that I found deeply encouraging:

“I was diagnosed last month with breast cancer and have been through seven weeks of sheer hell with surgery and drug treatments. Luckily for me it was arrested by the surgery and I effectively have a cure. However, I could never have gone through this ordeal without the deep love and support of my husband from whom I previously believed I had grown apart. He cried with me, drove me around to doctors’ appointments, kept the housekeeping going when I felt rotten. In short I have rediscovered the man I married all those years ago. This diagnosis has brought us closer together than ever before and I now don’t ‘sweat the small stuff’. In fact I wake up every morning grateful to be alive and on the road to a full recovery. I have found pleasure in the little things in life and have come to accept my son and grandkids living overseas. Tell anyone in our position to hang in there it certainly does get better!”

1. His or her solvency (credit score) is more important than if he sends you flowers or she showers you with gifts and compliments.
2. The state of his or her relationship with his or her parents is more important than how he or she dresses or what he or she drives.
3. How he or she treats and respects a former spouse (and children) will tell you exactly how he or she will one day treat you.
4. How he or she handles truth and matters of integrity are unlikely to change. If he or she lies or develops a “cover up” to be with you, the day will come when he or she is “ducking and diving” to get away from you.
5. How he or she behaves in heavy traffic, in a restaurant with poor service, how he or she handles credit, alcohol, and illegal substances, are windows that give glimpses into the “real” person.

“My wife bickers at me all the time. It’s like it’s going on under her breath from early in the morning until late at night. We have been married for 40 years and our children all live overseas and it’s like she blames me that she is not near her children and her grandchildren. We are now both very recently retired and you’d think we’d be glad we reached this stage in life. We are too much together. She says it. I did not feel it until she said it. She is on email all day looking for letters from the children and the grandchildren and sometimes she won’t even go out if she is expecting them to phone. What can I do? Please help.”

Everything needs space.

Take away the careers (and children) and people have to look at each other again and they do not always like what they see. Retirement is new for you both. Stick it out.

Volunteer your services somewhere. Really, it will get better.

Is tough if you are not desperate enough. But once a person is able to see the necessity for change, he or she will ultimately move in it’s direction.

Such change is not necessarily geographic and nor does it necessarily require some momentous relational move- it can be internal and unapparent to others for years.

“I was born into a family that has experienced conflict that has affected us for three generations. Not even the education has been able to prevent the inevitable downward spiral or find ways to resolve differences and remain on speaking terms. A sibling and I did attempt to resolve issues and things hobbled along for awhile, but after the last crisis, which involved the passing of a parent, I realised that the members of my family, including in-laws, are too different in outlook and philosophies to ever get along. Some friends have exhorted us to try to make peace, simply because we are ‘family’. This sort of encouragement doesn’t occur when the feuding parties are not related, then people seem to expect one not to be able to effect reconciliations. Is it really so bad that families feud to the extent that they no longer speak? What if they really are happier going separate ways? We often expect far too high a standard from our relatives, simply because they are blood. We have different and apparently irreconcilable standards.” (Edited)

Getting along is not compulsory because of biological ties. Openness to (even) limited dialogue will serve the invisible emotional loyalties. Family cut-offs exacerbate individual issues. Reasonable, even guarded dialogue, is likely to ease some individual anxiety, even if at first it serves to spike it.

Healthy attitudes when your family is in turmoil:

1. The solution, or at least an approximate solution, begins with me. I will ask myself what can I do to move this issue toward resolution.
2. While I am willing to stand my ground, I will not do so at the cost of the integrity (unity) of the family. Although I know it is not about winning or losing I am willing to appear to lose so the family might win.
3. Taking the “high road” is likely to teach me more than having a win-at-all-cost attitude.
4. Before I confront others I will examine my heart and do what I can to rid myself of unhelpful thinking.
5. I know that in any conflict it is the more mature person (which often has little to do with chronological age) who is key to helping the family find resolution.
6. I will yield rather than hurt, I will forgive rather than harbor resentment, I will hold my tongue rather than use it to increase the conflict.
7. I know that nothing is gained by bringing up past issues, by blaming others, or by judging myself for things in my past with information I have in the present.

“Married 43 years and I have gone 30 years without sex. Sex wasn’t great from the start. I only did it to please my wife. I have no desire for sex. I told her it was exciting but it wasn’t. Then 13 years down the road and I couldn’t perform any more. Doctor told me I had E/D and high blood pressure. With age I developed other problems, which didn’t help my libido. The little blue pill did nothing for me it actually made me sick. Finally free of sex and intimacy! My wife was really upset and still is. I told her to buy a puppy or find a girl or boy friend to find companion ship. I told her that’s life and I can’t change that. We just live in the same house, she has the upstairs, and I have the down stairs. We share nothing except the garage and laundry room.”

Perhaps this arrangement works for this couple since it has been in operation for several decades. Your insights, comments, suggestions, would be appreciated. I will publish three or four of the most helpful (or insightful or amusing) comments in a day or two.

Two readers respond: See full (unedited) response under comments:

“Marriage is about intimacy and companionship. Even if sexual intimacy is no longer possible through intercourse intimacy should not be destroyed altogether. Each person living in separate locations in the house is indicative of deeper issues. It sounds like a wedge has been driven between the two and sex is the tool to inject more pain. The arrangement lacks humility, honor, and trust. The only difference between this and a divorce is geographic. They are already emotionally, sexually, and physically separated. The arrangement lacks honesty.”

“Why did HE write? He doesn’t seem conflicted, living in an arrangement that he likes. He gives us an example of how ‘normal’ people make life arrangements work that are far from our common cultural ideals (and would be disappointing to most). At this point, 30 years since they last had sex, does he really want to be told how wrong this arrangement is, how ‘unhealthy’ it is? Does he want advice he is not willing to take? He is a known quantity. He knows how he wants to live. It’s his wife that has some hard decisions to make. Either she needs to accept his terms, finally (after 30 years!), or she needs to find some other way to have a fulfilling life that she CAN accept.”

“My brother’s new girlfriend is very possessive. He is a different man, for the worse, since they met. We seldom see him. He has to make excuses and lie so he can drop in and see us. Even then he’s constantly on the phone to her while he’s away from her. What responsibilities do I have to let him know what we see or do we just let him go further into this mess? She says he ignores her when he is with us. Please help.”

Say it kindly, then let him alone

Drop the “we” and “us”. Speak only for yourself. Don’t “corner” him. Simply tell him what you see. Then, leave it up to him.

If you are calm and non-possessive in your approach and during you stolen moments with your brother, it is likely that he will be able to relax and tell you if he is finding the relationship stressful. If you are anxious and demanding (like another woman he knows) it is likely his pushback will push him deeper into her corner.