No culture is perfect....

While of course, I acknowledge the beauty, the power, and significance of unique cultures within all of their many forms – there are some aspects or things about most cultures should be challenged* and changed.

Here are a few:

1. When the voices of some are ignored or silenced because it is “cultural” (as in come caste systems).
2. When violence is par for the course because that’s our culture. (“He beats me, but that is how men are in these parts.”)
3. When boundaries are violated and one person or group is constantly the victim. (“Children get no privacy in our – insert place, race, religion, or language – families.”)
4. When thoughts and actions are monitored and suppressed in order to perpetuate the power of one group or person over another group or person. (“In our religion we are not allowed to think such things!”)
5. When the powerless are victimized and silence is the expected response. (“That’s just the way it is in the south – this county, this neighborhood, whatever!”)

The Differentiation of Self is applicable across all cultures and to consider it not so, is to misunderstand the concept at its core.

* I cannot prance around the world uttering racial slurs and then claim that, as a white South African reared under Apartheid, I am expressing my culture. Some things about my culture are despicable and ought to be harshly rejected. The same is true when a culture (or church, or family, or boss, or significant other) robs people of their voices for any reason (gender, race, age, economic status, or religion). Domination, manipulation, so-called co-dependence is not good for anyone, no matter where he or she is born, what language he or she speaks, or what faith he or she claims or proclaims.

By the way, one of my first Egyptian students wrote in response to a week of exposure to my lectures: “You are welcome to visit Egypt but do not say anything.”

“I’m 35 and have been divorced for 5 years. I met a woman whose husband passed away two years ago. We are in love. I can’t stay away. We spend hours on the phone. The problem is that she wants to move on but is discouraged by her family. Her mum doesn’t want her to move on. She told her daughter not to communicate with me. The mum feels if I take the daughter away there’s no one to take the mum shopping. The mum says to the daughter the reason the mom left work was because of her and to look after the two children. They make the daughter feel guilty in every way possible. I told the daughter she must take control of it but she doesn’t want to disrespect her parents.” (Edited)

Mother is not the enemy...

Do not push. Invite. Challenge. But do not push. Try not to make the mother the enemy.

Families can be dangerous...

Address, with courage and kindness, the matters that directly pertain to you. The price of peacekeeping (appeasing others) is a far greater one than you will pay for peacemaking (allowing and facilitating necessary conflict).

But, tackle only what directly pertains to you. If you mess with relationships that you are not part of (where you are not one of the parties in the relationship) you will pay a price you might not want to afford. Families can be very dangerous places.

1. I have to stay in this marriage for the sake of children.
2. I have no options because he/she holds all the power.
3. I’d rather have an abusive partner than no partner at all.
4. If we only had enough money there would not be all these stresses and strains.
5. My friends (family, neighbors) will never forgive me if I get divorced.
6. No one cares how bad it is and I have no one to talk to.
7. He will lose his job if this comes out.
8. We keep our marriage troubles secret and no one knows about them.
9. My parents will reject me if this relationship doesn’t work.
10. It is my fault that he/she is abusive.
11. Things will improve if I am sufficiently patient.
12. He’s a lot better because he/she doesn’t hit me as much (drink as much, scream as much) as he/she used to.