Archive for ‘Communication’

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July 16, 2008

I want love and respect….

by Rod Smith

“I have been with my husband for 8 years although be only got married this May. I was attracted to him because of the way he was direct. I met him when I was on a very steep cliff ready to jump and he showed interest in me, which was strange because he didn’t want a relationship. I have worked tirelessly to be with him. A week after we got married I left him. He stalked me, begging me to meet. I did. He promised me the world and I fell for it. He is controlling doesn’t want me to see my family. Nothing I do is good enough, I cook, clean, mow grass, clean gutters and organize the office. We haven’t had sex in two years. I am dying inside. Why doesn’t he want me? One of the biggest things that bothers me is I sing and we have a studio in our house and I have been asking him to burn music for me and he doesn’t. I just want to be loved and respected.” (Letter shortened)

You said he “didn’t want a relationship” and nothing has changed. You want something he appears unable to offer. Figure out what YOU want. Being loved and respected begins with YOU, not with him.

Contact Rod Smith (even while “one the road”) at Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or visit http://www.DifficultRelationships.com

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July 12, 2008

B is for BOUNDARY, and C is for CHALLENGE…..

by Rod Smith

Weeks ago I began a series of columns entitled “A is for Autonomy.” Here is more in my series of “ABCs for Growing Adults”:

B is for Boundary: an invisible line that separates you, making you distinct from others. When blurred, it will be hard for you to tell the difference between your thoughts and feelings, and the thoughts and feelings of others. Good boundaries are part of your emotional life’s healthy immune system. They keep the undesirable out and allow the desirable in. Boundaries change with different people. You will have very different set of boundaries with a lover, best friend, or parent, than you will with casual acquaintances. Your boundaries are always your responsibility except in cases of unusual illness or frailty.

C is for Challenge: an impetus for change or growth. You might feel a stirring from within, read something, overhear a conversation, glimpse what a friend has achieved, and, as a result, desire to make changes in your life. A challenge can be private or shared. It might take minutes to complete, like learning a new skill on your computer, or it could take years of constant effort. Most people enjoy a realistic challenge: it can bring greater health and enthusiasm and restore vision to do greater things.

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June 29, 2008

Simple truth for greater health and freedom…

by Rod Smith

“Horse and carriage” drives within you: deny either at your own peril…

A is for Autonomy: a powerful instinctual longing within you. It’s the desire to be self-directed and separate. It is the “you” who wants to be free of all responsibilities. It is the “you” that fears absorption; the “you” who wants to let your hair blow in the wind, feel the sun on your back and go! It’s the lone-ranger and pioneer spirit within you. This desire is God-breathed, God-inspired and a necessary part of your growth. This need can be met, not by irresponsibly severing ties, but through regularly finding time to be alone.

I is for Intimacy: a powerful instinctual longing within you. It is the desire to nest. It is the “you” who wants to belong, be known, to be part of a family. It is the “you” who fears abandonment and longs for a shared journey. This is the part of you that longs for the sounds, symbols and reality of a shared life. This desire is God-breathed, God-inspired and a necessary part of your survival and growth. This need is met through regularly spending time in a loving family or community.

A with I = Emotional Health

A without I = Selfish Avoidance

I without A = Selfish Indulgence

Posted in Communication, Voice | 2 Comments »

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June 19, 2008

Is your relationship abusive?

by Rod Smith

None of the conditions has to be ever-present to count. Even abusive relationships are sometimes trauma and pain-free. Believing the “good times” excuses the “bad times” is an error.  The presence of ONE of the following means you could benefit from immediate help.

1.    Are you secretive about your relationship so no one really knows what you are enduring?
2.    Do you feel as if you have no room to move? You do not want to get any closer but you have no idea how to get out.
3.    Are you afraid? Your life is unpredictable, oscillating between extremes.
4.    Are you hiding, avoiding friends and family? It feels as if this person has control of your life and destiny.
5.    Do you feel that love hardly resembles love, trust does not feel like trust, and truth is not truth? You’ve lost your relationship compass.
6.    Are you subjected to sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional activity you do not want?
7.    He/She says he/she loves you yet restricts you from talking to others.
8.    He/she hides or steals your car or house keys, takes or withholds money, refuses to let you use the telephone, or reads your mail without your permission?

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June 12, 2008

In response to “just friends”…

by Rod Smith

“I am married and have a situation at work. A colleague, who works directly for me, is friendly with me and she keeps saying that does not want to be intimate but shows me many signs like allowing me to see the color of her underwear. She says she needs a hug and frequently and lets me put my hands in her pants in the back only. She is also married. Please help.”

As you are in a supervisory position, you carry the greater responsibility. If this ridiculously immature and hurtful behavior is exposed, she will likely cry victim. You, as the one higher up the company hierarchy, will be held responsible, even if it is behavior initiated by the woman.

Work aside, you stand to lose all you have with your wife and your children in exchange for something so shallow and meaningless.

Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice | 1 Comment »

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June 11, 2008

When is it more than just friends?

by Rod Smith

We are “just friends” is often the defense used by men and woman who are on the verge of an affair, or at least a liaison that will be hurtful to a spouse. We “just work together,” says the woman to her husband about a co-worker who gets all of her attention even on weekends. “She’s just work-friend,” says the man to his wife regarding the woman who sends him text messages every day.

You are not “just friends” if:

1. You spend more time and energy with this person than you do with other friends.
2. You share conversations at a more intimate level with this person than you do with your spouse.
3. You spend more time and energy thinking of this person and his or her problems than you do the issues you face with your own family,
4. You exclude other friends, or cannot invite your spouse to join you to also be “just friends” with this person.
5. Any part of being “just friends” requires secrecy or deception (like hiding sms messages, having secret cell phones or cell phone numbers, hiding letters, the need to delete emails, or needing to leave the room to talk).

Posted in Attraction, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice | 2 Comments »

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June 5, 2008

How to tell all is not well with a close friend…

by Rod Smith

When a friendship is not going well, and a good discussion and reconciliation is necessary, passive-aggressive behavior can seep into a relationship. It is not always easy to identify. Here are some indicators. Find the behavior in yourself before you go looking for it in others…

1. You are spending less time with someone who is important to you without admitting that there is something wrong, or while openly suggesting that everything is all right.

2. You are using double-edged comments to or about this person. On the surface you appear to be giving a compliment while you are really delivering a jab or an insult.

3. You speak ill of this friend to a third party, or you speak only in glowing terms about him or her, in order to give others the impression that nothing has changed.

4. You find yourself over-committing to work or social events to make less time available to see this friend.

5. You are deliberately doing what you know this friend does not like (smoking in his or her company, arriving late, becoming uncharacteristically elusive).

6. You just happen to leave him or her off your invitation list.

7. Your head is full of what you think he or she has done, or not done, to you, and resentment and bitterness creeps into your thinking.

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June 3, 2008

Sleeping dogs? Do I talk to my son about his father?

by Rod Smith

“My son’s father and I broke up before I found out that I was pregnant. There were minimal monetary contributions for 3 months after my son, now 13, was born. He wanted me to abort but I refused. My son has never asked me about his father and so I have never told him anything. I wonder if I should bring up the subject or let sleeping dogs lie. I’m

Email me, I am listening.

Email me, I am listening.

afraid that if I bring it up, then he might want to find him and his father might say he doesn’t want to meet him, which might make things worse. He is married and has other children. My phone number has not changed so he has no excuse for not getting in touch. I wonder if my son ever wonders about him but as far as I know, he never says a word even to his friends. Do I bring it up or wait until he is ready to ask questions?”

Sleeping dogs usually wake up hungry! What you avoid will be more powerful than what you face. Talk to your son. Tell him everything you have told me – but for the suggestion of abortion. He doesn’t need to know this.

Posted in Adolescence, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Grace, Parenting/Children, Past relationships | 1 Comment »

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June 1, 2008

Forgive before it is asked? Are you not encouraging poor boundaries….?

by Rod Smith

“You often mention ‘forgiving’ or ‘forgiveness.’ Is this blanket advice even to follow when the person who has perpetrated the wrong has not apologized or asked for forgiveness. If you forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness, are you then not letting that person get away with their bad behaviour and thus not putting a boundary in place? Surely the person will repeat the behaviour if they have not requested forgiveness?”

I do encourage people to forgive and sometimes include “even before it is asked of you” and “forgive, but don’t forget.” The act of forgiving is essentially for the person offering the forgiveness, and not one receiving it. When I forgive you for a real or perceived wrong against me, I am doing something good for my inner being. I am acting in a manner that extinguishes the emotional toxicity from within me. That you too are made free is a mere byproduct of mutual benefit.

Wanting another to ask (or beg, or plead) for forgiveness is to be somewhat punitive, which lacks the essence of authentic forgiveness. That I am able to forgive you and not allow myself to be similarly hurt by you in the future is where “forgive but don’t forget” comes into play.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Forgiveness, Victims, Voice | Leave a Comment »

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May 30, 2008

How men respond to pregnancy….reader responds to reader….. and I am grateful…

by Rod Smith

Lizz,

There are a whole range of responses that men have to women being pregnant and giving birth. Difficult though it is for me to understand, I’m aware that a significant number of men find pregnant women to be unusually attractive, even to the point of becoming fantasy objects. Likewise, some men see mothers as more attractive than non-mothers, possibly because of personality traits that seem to come to the forefront in a woman after she has a child.

At the other end of the spectrum are men like your husband, who feel that pregnancy and motherhood somehow diminish a woman’s femininity and sexuality. It’s easy to suggest that his view is wrong or short-sighted, but that doesn’t help anyone in this situation. To me, this sounds like a great time to engage a professional marriage counselor.

While it’s possible that this might cause your husband to see you in a different light, it may also bring to the forefront emotional issues that your husband is dealing with, but unable to talk freely with you about. In my case, seeing the birth of my oldest son caused me to feel a huge sense of responsibility that i was completely unprepared for. This may not be the case with your husband, but such things are always a possibility.

Regardless, if you can sit down with a third party who has professional credentials, he or she may be able to help both of you discover things that have become factors in your change in relationship. If cost is an issue (and when I was a new father, it most definitely was), look into counseling options subsidized (in part or in whole) through a local church or synagogue.

One last thing: Your husband’s response to you may feel like something that defines you as a woman, but it doesn’t. You remain a person of worth and value, regardless of anyone else’s actions. Your husband’s response being strong does not make you “more of a woman,” and his lack of response does not make you less of one. The role of mother need not diminish the role of wife, any more than becoming a father keeps me from being a husband. Yes, your body changes with childbirth, but I would suggest that your husband has changed (and will continue to change) just as much between his ears.

Becoming parents changes us. We can fight this, and refuse to accept it, or we can be the master of our path and define the role instead of allowing it to define us. My best wishes for you, your husband, and your children. – Tim

www.timthefoolman.com

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