Archive for ‘Communication’

« Older Entries  |   Newer Entries »
June 5, 2011

Monday Meditation

by Rod Smith

You may earn more than I do and live in a nicer house – but our loneliness is probably the same. When it rips us apart it doesn’t really matter who has the most cash or the nicest home. Loneliness doesn’t care where we live or about our financial status. Invite me in – perhaps we can be friends and ease our common pain.

You may be more educated than I am and you may have graduated from a respected university – but I know that if you regard anyone, anywhere with contempt, your education has given you little worth knowing. I may not be very bright by your standards but I do know that truly educated people never use it as a weapon. Talk to me – I might be able to teach you a thing or two.

You may be more travelled than I am and can talk about places I have not heard of or could afford to visit in my wildest dreams – but if travel has made you contemptuous of your homeland and its peoples then travel has not done its finer work in you. Citizens of the world find beauty and wonder everywhere. Come to my house – my culture is as interesting as any you will find on any distant shore.

Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Love, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Voice | Leave a Comment »

June 2, 2011

Healthy teams

by Rod Smith

Teamwork is not easy

A highly functioning team, school, church, or organization:

1. Sticks with an essential, identified, agenda.
2. Knows why it was formed and why it continues to exist.
3. Knows what it wants to accomplish and can measure its progress.
4. Values individuals, values the “whole” without losing sight of either.
5. Regularly articulates group and individual roles, goals, and dreams.
6. Discourages rescuing (saving) behavior among team members.
7. Encourages necessary conflict.
8. Encourages internal dialogue and negotiation, yet sets limits on each.
9. Addresses gossip, rumor mongering, and other group destroyers and cancers.
10. Plays as hard as it works.
11. Acknowledges necessary hierarchy without being driven or defined by it.
12. Encourages “downward mobility” or authentic power gained through service.

Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust | Leave a Comment »

May 30, 2011

Will our conflicts as husband and wife scar our children for life?

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Live fully now, while you can.

“My husband and I have had a highly conflicted relationship. We are now divorced. My concern is that all the fighting has forever scarred my children (14 and 15). Is there anything I can do to make up for the past that was unsettling for our children?” (Condensed)

Family trauma leaves unique hand prints. Some people appear to rise above the past and refuse to engage in the errors of their parents. Others perpetuate conflict for generations.

I believe an important component you can now offer is an honest, on-going conversation with your children with these interlaced themes:

1. I regret things were as they were.
2. I acknowledge you did not contribute to our conflicts in any manner (adults are responsible for adult conflict).
3. Our conflicts need not be part of your future.
4. Your future does not have to be marred by your difficult past.

The greater lesson you will be able to impart will come from your living fully. When you take up the fullness of your daily life you will teach your children that a healthy life can emerge from the pain of a difficult past.

Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

May 26, 2011

Don’t miss your daily miracle…..

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Open your eyes to the miracles around you....

1. You woke up this morning.
2. You have the opportunity to love and to be generous to all whom you meet.
3. You have the ability to forgive those who have offended or hurt you.
4. You have the ability to spread goodwill and kindness through simple acts of friendliness.
5. You are uniquely gifted and talented and can end your day (or week, year, decade) having made your unique mark of blessing on the world.
6. You can plan for a spectacular future even if your past has been troublesome.
7. You can strategize and implement simple (or complex) acts of kindness towards those who least expect it from you – especially toward those with whom you have had conflict.
8. You can practice radical acts of hospitality by washing the feet of those who have rejected or despised you.
9. You can live without blaming anyone for anything and, in so doing, be a significant catalyst in your own unfolding freedom
10. You can show up, stand up, speak up, with grace and humility and, in so doing, become part of the solution to the problems in the world rather than remain a part of its many problems.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

May 21, 2011

He says she’s jealous. Let’s help him out. Please comment…..

by Rod Smith

My wife thinks I flirt, and I think she is being jealous. Some examples:

* a female friend overseas emailed me, to pray for her mother who was very ill. I wrote back saying of course, and that I’d love to catch up on skype. I showed the email to my wife so she could pray for her mother, but instead she was furious that I wanted to “catch up” with a girl on skype. I explained that her mother was dying, and that we used to be good friends. Not good enough.

* Another girl who I used to be good friends with came in from overseas, and when I spoke to her on the phone and said “Sarah!! I miss you!” with a big friendly smile – I hadn’t spoken to Sarah for about 2 years and we were cool friends. My wife was furious I said “I miss you” to another girl. A huge fight.

* I helped a stranger – a mother – to carry a baby carriage down the stairs. I apparently made her laugh, (I’m pretty funny) and my wife was again furious at me that I made a married woman laugh.

* We went water rafting with the some friends, and a girl in another boat took my hat off (I love this hat), and I jumped at her to wrestle my hat back. My wife was furious and said that play fighting is flirting. I just wanted my hat…yes, we were laughing at the time, but I don’t feel I was flirting.

* When a girl is excited to see me, or says I’m really funny, or says they love a certain jacket of mine, my wife says that I let women feel comfortable to approach me and say these kinds of things. For example, we were walking down the street and a girl ran up to me and said, “hey!!! how are you Ronnie! This is your wife yeah! Your wedding was amazing” She acknowledged my wife in a nice way, and didn’t ignore her, but my wife’s problem was that she was so happy to see me. My wife wants me to be polite to women, but to exude a level of modesty, and act a little standoffish to show that they shouldn’t feel so comfortable to be all bubbly around me.

I could go on.

My wife says I’m being too flirtatious, or at the very least I need to work on becoming more modest. And I just want her to accept me for who I am, and not be so jealous.

It’s very painful for both of us. I now feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her in a social setting, and can’t just be my funny self. It’s caused me to be very depressed and I feel like I have to be someone else. Unfortunately it’s depressed me so much that I’m not feeling love for her, nor excitement, nor chemistry. I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

I know marriage is about compromise, and I want to grow in ALL ways. Perhaps I do need to grow in the ways of modesty. There is no end in ones growth.

For her, it’s so painful because she believe I’m putting other women before the marriage. “You are putting other women before the marriage” She would say. She feels I’m not respecting her.

But I feel, if only she would stop being so jealous and accept me for who I am.

My wife thinks I flirt. But I don’t think I flirt at all.

To me it just seems we have different Values. I’m not judging her for having more modest values than me. But I feel she is judging me for my values. Bare in mind, I don’t even touch women unless it’s my wife (no honestly, I don’t believe in it). So I do have certain boundaries. But I’m just not as modest as her, and it drives her crazy…which drives me crazy!

Please help! Any advice would be appreciated. We are really thinking of divorce, but we both don’t want it and would like to save the marriage.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Reactivity, Trust, Victims | 6 Comments »

May 15, 2011

A word to daughters……

by Rod Smith

Four things to chat about over tea

Parents please teach your daughters:

1. You never have to shrink, soft-pedal, or sell yourself short, in order to secure a loving, lasting relationship. Any potential partner that is threatened by the power of your personality or the breadth of your talent is not worth your time or investment. Move on.

2. You do not have to give up your dreams, talents, desires, and skills in exchange for a loving relationship. The potential partner who is man enough to love you will amplify your dreams, talents, and skills. He will do nothing at all to try and silence you. This is to be especially noted in religious circles – flee communities that silence women.

3. You do not have to hide your imperfections or pretend they do not exist. The person who is man enough to respect and love you will not expect you to be perfect and will seldom notice your shortcomings. A loving man will regard your imperfections as assets.

4. You will benefit from having Zero Tolerance for people with less than perfect manners. If a potential partner swears at people, if he’s short-tempered, if he’s unkind to strangers – move on. There are myriads of men who are pure-mouthed, patient, and kind. Why would you spend a minute longer with one who is not?

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love | Leave a Comment »

May 15, 2011

Therapy (counseling, family therapy, individual therapy) works best when…..

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Take UP your life - it is an act of LOVE

1. It is self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.

2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.

3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.

4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.

5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.

6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.

7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.

8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.

9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.

10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.

Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

May 12, 2011

Workplace emotional climate – helping it improve

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

I'd love to speak at you Leadership Event

The Emotional Climate of anywhere people work, play, serve, or worship will be enhanced when….

1. Room (space, freedom) is offered for the expression of creativity.
2. Use of good humor (good humor has no victims) is encouraged and enjoyed.
3. Individuals remain focused upon their unique, specific roles without bleeding, leaking into the roles of others by over or under functioning.
4. People refuse to initiate or ferry gossip, participate in unhelpful innuendo, or promote any form of interpersonal sabotage be it subtle or gross.
5. Problems, or perceived problems, are addressed first at the apparent source, then with those who are empowered to act to alleviate or solve the problem.
6. Self-definition at all levels is encouraged. In other words everyone is encouraged to Show up, Stand up, Speak up for him or herself.
7. Rocking the boat is welcomed (by the leaders) when the boat needs rocking.
8. Leadership and leadership styles are open to legitimate assessment and challenge.
9. Dialogue, negotiation is authentic. It is not offered so people can “feel” as if they have a say or to promote so-called “buy in.” Dialogue, negotiation are either legitimate (can influence an organization) or they are a manipulative sham.
10. The leaders are unafraid to reprimand, to fire, and to cleanse the group of toxic elements in the organization – despite the tenacity of toxic personnel to invade, diminish and destroy the functioning of others. This is most difficult in volunteer organizations such as churches, clubs, and not-for-profits but it is no less necessary.

Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Manipulation, Responsive people, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice | Leave a Comment »

May 9, 2011

He ignores Mothers Day

by Rod Smith

“My husband routinely ignores Mothers Day. I make a big deal out of Fathers Day and you’d think he would reciprocate. He does not. This has been going on for 21 years and my sons are following in his footsteps. I am tempted to ignore Fathers Day this year just to see if he notices.”

Are you a believer or not?

Show up, stand up, speak up....

Playing guessing games and playing hide and seek is for children – it is not for adults.

If you want attention shown to you at Mothers Day let your husband and your sons know.

Tell them ahead of time so that you are not left waiting to see what he or your sons will do for you.

If you have let this go on for 21 years I have to wonder what else you have left up to chance.

If you want your relationships to grow then lose the temptation to stand back and watch how others respond to you.

Show up. Stand up. Speak up. Leave as little to guesswork as possible. This done, at least you will have made your expectations clear and others can choose to deliver on your wishes or not.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Friendship, Grace, High maintenance relationships | 2 Comments »

May 4, 2011

He dropped the bomb and said he doesn’t love me anymore…..

by Rod Smith

“My husband and I have our three-year anniversary this month. Our son is 9 months old. Two weeks ago he decided to drop the bomb and said that perhaps he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to wake up in 20 years and be miserable, that kind of stuff. It was so sudden. We hardly ever fight and our baby is so perfect and beautiful and we have been so happy for these years. I don’t understand. When we talk about it he goes farther with saying that perhaps he never really loved me and maybe he had these feelings before we even got married. What? I saved myself for him. I gave myself to him. I made sure he was the one. We both agreed that we did not believe in divorce. This is too painful to even think about. He is not even acting like he wants to save the marriage. I don’t understand. I’m terrified. This is not what I signed up for.”

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Unhook your wagon

This is a crucial time for the three of you. Your feelings of desperation at his divulgences become directly proportional to his feelings of being trapped in eternal misery. Until you “unhook your wagons” (separate your emotional and psychological enmeshment) both of you will descend further into realms even less attractive than what you both currently are experiencing.

Your husband’s misery now, or in the future, is his issue – don’t try and rescue him from it or take any responsibility for it, or, and here is the tough part, let it take you down.

There’s great hope for this marriage but it will not emerge until you get out of his way and he does what he needs to do to solve his own problems.

If he avoids this fabulous dilemma (he is not the first person to face it) by walking away, he will be much more miserable more quickly than he ever imagined.

If he faces it well, he will grow up, and to boot, have a chance at even being somewhat happy, you will have a man for a husband and your son will have an adult man for a daddy.

Posted in Betrayal, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Voice, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

« Older Entries  |   Newer Entries »