Archive for ‘Boundaries’

October 5, 2024

Why I drive for #Lyft and #Uber

by Rod Smith

I’ve been asked a few times why I’m a rideshare driver for Lyft and Uber.

The answers are easy.

It keeps me from spending money at local hardware stores.

I tend to drift into a few, earnestly thinking and believing I am good at fixing things, you know, minor home projects like remodeling the kitchen, adding a bedroom, after decades of knowing otherwise. Truth is, I’m not. I have hardly ever finished a single repair, paint, assemble, project I ever began and I have unused equipment to prove it. I’d rather drive a few hours and make a little cash than buy stuff I end up never using and see it sitting wherever I abandon it until it burns my eyes.

When I drive for Lyft and Uber — yes, New Castle, you have at least one rideshare driver I know of — I get the joy and privilege of meeting people who I would probably never otherwise meet.

Read the car correctly and there are riders who really want to talk and will tell you their life stories, most of which, if well-penned, could be best sellers, even movie franchises. Many riders simply want to rest or catch up on phone time after a very hard day’s work. Some sleep. That’s fine by me. It gives me time to be thankful for all the home-projects I am avoiding and calculate all the money I’m saving by not buying the John Deer foundation digger thing I found most attractive and fully believed I needed a few days ago.

I have long prayed that God would permit me to travel and teach young adult students who are rich in almost everything but money and who live in places I couldn’t find on a map. If I drive hard for a week I can earn enough money to fly anywhere in the world where I’m invited.

Paying my own way means I don’t stretch budgets of campuses in some of the most economically vulnerable and challenged countries on Earth.

My three trips, scheduled before 2024 closes are to Santiago – then home, Accra, Lome, Nairobi, Worcester, – then home. After Thanksgiving, it’s Bujumbura. If I drive it means I can go to such destinations. I think my prayers have been answered.

When I drive for Lyft and Uber I get the joy and privilege of seeing parts of the city of Indianapolis (and Anderson, Muncie, St. Louis, Fort Wayne, Elwood, Madison and Columbus, Indiana) I would never otherwise see, and there is beauty, stunning beauty everywhere, just as there is everywhere on this gorgeous planet.

I like to drive because I meet biblical characters. The woman caught in adultery cried her eyes out in my car one morning before 7am. The 19-year old told me God would never accept or forgive her for what she’d just done and cried all the more when I told her that would be most uncharacteristic of the God I’ve encountered.

I’ve driven men and women to and from all the major hospitals who express overwhelming joy in simply being alive.

When women ride with me and I hear them on their phones negotiating extra hours with three part-time jobs, scheduling care of several children – for their own and for the children of neighbors and friends – while also learning a language in a new country, I want to declare my 2013 Lexus holy ground.

Deep breath now: when 4 young men in their late teens got a ride from an abandoned fast-food parking lot and, after a short while started to tell me their stories and revealed that all had lost a dad, uncle or friend in a violent death, and all had been with someone who was dying, and that there were five weapons in MY car (among the four of them) and when I asked why and almost as one they said WE HAVE TO and I drive off leaving them behind, regretting I could not sit with them and hear more and more and more.

Yes. Long sentence. Full of run-ons, just like the conversation we had in the car.

Lyft? Uber?

It’s beautiful I tell you.

Maybe one day this week I will stay home and paint a room.

Maybe not.

Got to get to Burundi.

September 12, 2024

Listening Love

by Rod Smith

Feeling loved is feeling heard. 

To LISTEN is to offer profound love. 

If I say I love someone, I will invest the time required to hear what he or she wants to say.

Listening, like love, has no gimmicks, no tricks. 

It is expressing genuine interest. It is putting my own concerns aside for a while and entering someone else’s world. It’s rewriting, reshaping, re-writing, nothing I hear. I will listen as if I am appreciating fine, complex, beautiful art, a masterpiece. I will not “listen” as if I’m engaged in a competitive game of verbal tennis. I will listen as one who has much to learn rather than hide behind the covert belief that I’m the one with much to teach.

Such arrogance neither hears, nor listens well, or accurately.

The arrogant listener hears what he or she wants to hear. Arrogance reshapes what’s said into what the listener prefers. 

When I think “I”ve heard it all before” I’m not listening. 

Listening opens new worlds for the speaker and the listener leading each down a path of brave discovery. It’s a mutual risk. 

The loving listener listens to what is said and unsaid, without rearranging either. 

The listener enters another’s world, then departs with it untouched, understood, admired, no matter how beautiful, troubled, complex, that world may be.

Illustration by Siggi Berg and used with permission.
August 26, 2024

Braver than I…….

by Rod Smith

My sons, both of them, are in love, each with a woman who’d make any dad proud.

The first time I met Nate’s girlfriend I dressed for the occasion and wore a tie that bears a collaged image of both boys when aged about 12 and 8. Thulani’s head resting on Nate’s and they both have broad smiles. I donned the tie with playful snarkiness declaring, with zero subtlety, exactly where Nate belongs.

Harli visited a few days later and won my heart. 

“Open it,” she said handing me a gift.

Treasure fell from the envelope. She’d re-produced the tie with updated images, my sons at 26 and 22, smiling as broadly from another necktie. 

On Fathers Day I woke to this text which I publish with Harli’s permission: 

“Happy Fathers Day, to a man I idolize. You welcomed me into your family with open arms and you single handedly raised two honest gentlemen that are so lucky and grateful to have you. I hope you enjoy your day!!”

The woman has no idea that my most ardent prayer for my sons was always that they learn how to love and that they be gentlemen.  

Thulani met Alaina over a year ago and has gone so far as to purchase a ring. Last Saturday he ordered roses to surround a spot near Bow Street Bridge in New York City’s Central Park. Out for a walk the couple walked by at some distance from the bridge and the flowers caught Alaina’s  attention.

“What if they were there for you,” he said.

On his knees, at the bridge, Thulani popped the question. Cameras rolled and the perfect moment of their shared joy was caught for all to see, you and me, and generations yet unborn. 

From there the couple headed to a restaurant where forty of their friends waited in a reserved private room to welcome them, and welcome them they did! 

Thulani coordinated all of this. 

Alaina knew none of it.

I talked with my daughter-to-be the day after the engagement and I got to feel some of her joy.

Yes, I am looking forward to the wedding. No date is yet set. I am looking forward to their complete fulfillment as husband and wife. Truth be told, I can hardly wait to have at least 5 or 6  grandchildren.

I have enjoyed the run up to this event, rehearsing with Thulani, his speech to request Alaina’s parents for her hand in marriage, the design and purchase of the rings, receiving a most gracious text from my son to declare how he had learned about love from how I have loved him…. 

But, my real joy goes even deeper than all of that, if that is possible. 

My sons are braver than I am.

Even deeper?

My sons have never known their mothers.

Their children will. 

Hallelujah.         

The two ties…..
Thulani and Nathanael

August 25, 2024

Duel

by Rod Smith

Try telling someone from my part of the world (Indiana, USA) a bad-weather story. 

In seconds you will be interrupted. 

No matter how deep the snow, severe the ice storm, or how strong the wind was,  your “listener” will trump you. 

The “listener” is not listening. He or she is waiting to speak, aching to one-up you, waiting to debate, waiting to win! His bad weather story will dwarf yours, no doubt about it. 

It’s not a conversation. 

It’s a duel! 

I am convinced that in Indiana one cannot have one’s own weather and let it be.

This phenomenon is not restricted to weather-talk or to Indiana. Try telling friends in South Africa about your game reserve experience. In split seconds you will be told a more intense, more dramatic event that occurred in another better, bigger, greater game reserve than the one you enjoyed. Other similar topics: the best curry, the worst flying experience, the worst customer service, lost luggage tales, a recent surgery or illness.

Really listening, being present for each other, takes love and discipline. It takes the ability to hold our tongues if we want to enter the world and the experience of another. The temptation to crowd out that world with our own (bigger, better) material can be very strong. 

Being present for each other is a gift. 

Hold your tongue, give liberally.

I’m enjoying this memoir very much and commend it to you.
August 14, 2024

Planned Parenthood

by Rod Smith

“What parenting advice could you offer my wife and me,” said the delighted dad, “my son is 16 months young.”

Above all, love your wife with joy, freedom and courage. This will reduce and deflect loads of the anxiety that naturally tries to derail all childhoods.

Lavish your baby, then young child, then pre-teen and teenager with affirmation and affection. No matter what you and your wife face, when you come home from work, or he returns after time away, or when he wakes in the morning or in the middle of the night — baby or teenager — be glad to see him, and, say so. Verbally express the joys your son brings you, to each other, and to him.

Teach him to talk Joy.

Regard the ages 5, 8, 12, 14 and 16 as transition ages. At these times discuss with him your parental plans (your mutually agreed upon plans you’ve made as parents) to do less and less for him, while expecting more and more from him. Yes, even at 5 — point out that he can make his own, age-appropriate decisions. Include him in planning and establishing his growing independence. Plan your parenting so that by his eighteenth year your parenting roles are accomplished and he has all it takes to be an interdependent young adult. 

Hold in high regard the beautiful idea that you parent (the verb) for his sake and not yours.

Our new painting will go up in my home-office this week….. from Friday this week, both of my adult sons are launched and living independently of me. Oh the joy; oh the niggling pain. #graceupongrace
August 6, 2024

Look them in the eyes

by Rod Smith

A parable developed with a therapy client….

“Chased,” he said, “I’m being chased, haunted by my past, my past of multiple addictions, — they follow me.” 

“Like dogs?” I asked, “I have wild dogs too.”

“No,” he said, “large lions, and a tiger, coming from behind, waiting to pounce, attack. To scorn, belittle me.”

“How do you protect yourself?” I asked.

“I outrun them; get ahead. Do heroic things to prove them wrong. But, they follow,  catch up, then I have to do it all again. What about you and the wild dogs?” he asked.

“I tried to ignore them,” I told him, “but they don’t like that. They  squeal, bark louder. I tried to get ahead, outrun them as you do with your pursuers, but that’s temporary relief.”

“I know,” he confessed. 

“I made a decision that made a big difference,” I said, “when I was at my most desperate when they were chasing me through dark hallways of my mind, barking at my heels, I stopped, slowly turned, faced them. Told them they were right, looked them in the eyes, gave them attention — then, they withdrew, got quiet, behaved as disciplined guide dogs. Now, they do their jobs.” 

“Can I train my lion? My tiger?” he asked.

“You’ll never know,” I said, “until you look them in the eyes.”

Take back your power
July 7, 2024

Alphabet of Healthy Relationships: I is for….

by Rod Smith

Deep down where soul, spirit, will, heart, mind, meet, I have a magnificent gift – the instinctual, God-given, desire for INTIMACY.

Togetherness.

It comes wrapped into my humanity. I want to be intimate, to belong, to be part of a family, groups, teams, causes.

I don’t want to be alone.

I want to know others and be known by others. This desire usually whispers, but must sometimes yell, for recognition, especially when my equally powerful instinctual desire for autonomy has enjoyed its pleasures.

I want to be heard and treasured as a companion and friend. I want to be an integral part of the lives of close family and friends.

I want to be fearlessly open with a handful of loving friends and for them to be similarly open with me. If I repeatedly ignore this primal desire, I place my emotional well-being and physical health at risk.

I was not designed to be alone. I am designed for connection with others.

Acknowledging this essential part of who I am,  respecting it, enjoying it, enhances my capacity to love myself, love others, and become fully, and more beautifully human.

*to be read in tandem with A is for Autonomy 

My 1st born son and I enjoying our beautiful connection which is as meaningful today as it was the day of his birth…. He’s 26 now!
July 3, 2024

The Alphabet for Healthy Relationships: E is for……

by Rod Smith

E is for Empower and Enable 

Do I Empower others or Enable?  

I EMPOWER others and myself when I get out of their way and anticipate that they will speak for themselves. I am empowered when I understand and apply the critical distinction between being responsible TO others but NOT and responsible FOR other adults. I empower others when I allow choices and consequences of choices to run their course. I am empowered when I learn to distinguish between helpful pain, necessary, useful anxiety, what to embrace and what to ignore. I am empowered when I work at healthy, necessary separation, even when in love, and even when having strong soul-ties.

I ENABLE others if I lie to cover, run interference, or protect others, in hopes of keeping people employed, protected, or “close.” I am an enabler if I feel overburdened with mis-placed responsibility or rewarded with mis-placed responsibility for anyone. I am enabling others when I feel like I am living more than ONE life. I am enabling when someone’s choices  – both good and bad – feel like my responsibility. I am enabling when I am unable to see myself as a separate being from another, and regard the connection as “oneness” or love, a soul-tie, making the enabling crucial, necessary, and somehow inescapable.

Empowered…..
Enabler…..
July 2, 2024

Alphabet for Healthy Relationships: D is for…..

by Rod Smith

DIFFERENTIATION of Self – a Murray Bowen family systems principle and term – is a life-long internal journey to be my distinct self, while also honoring, enjoying, recognizing the benefits of togetherness with others. It is the challenge every human must face.

If I avoid growth, I will fuse, I will be enmeshed with others, many of whom will appear to welcome the company of equally growth-avoidant people. They may find it very attractive, even “spiritual.” Little will feel as spiritual as a good fuse-buddy.

Enmeshment, or fusion, will make me more likely to place responsibility on others, even blame others, for the way in which my life develops.

Contrarily, to differentiate is to get into the driver’s seat of my life and provide a platform for maximum growth for myself and everyone in my circle of influence.

Differentiation of Self is being aware of not confusing the “I” the “you,” and the “we,” but giving the best of myself AND getting the best for myself from all three. I can be simultaneously intimate and autonomous, I can and will define myself, knowing that if I do not, others will naturally be inclined to fill the vacuum and define who I am for me. 

Thank you for reading my work…..

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If you’d like to empower a young person or family in missions….. every $ or Euro or Rand or whatever your currency helps.

June 30, 2024

The Alphabet of Healthy Relationships: B is for….

by Rod Smith

Boundaries

The internal expectations, standards, limitations I set for myself constitute my BOUNDARIES. These are the things I will and won’t do and who I will and will not be.

I will be wisely generous. I will share resources and time with others as wisely as I know how. I will plan my days, pay my debts, and attempt to live a solvent, sober, adventurous life.

I will not steal, cheat, or intentionally hurt others or myself. I will try not to overextend myself or make promises I know I cannot fulfill. There are lines I will cross and lines I won’t cross. I will have my boundaries in place before I need them and respect my boundaries and the boundaries of others. I will try to know where I end and where others begin.

I hope my boundaries will be strong, flexible, and porous, “lines in the sand,” internal partitions which help me to get close to others without invading or overwhelming them, or losing myself.

Boundaries help protect us. They make Integrity possible. I am responsible for my boundaries. I set them, adjust them where necessary, enforce them when they are challenged or crossed. Living my boundaries clears the way for my boundaries to speak for themselves and reduces confusion in relationships. 

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Highly recommended reading