Archive for ‘Boundaries’

March 18, 2023

Something a little longer for Sunday….. 

by Rod Smith

One thing I notice about the parables of Jesus and other favorite New Testament events, even Jesus one-liners, is that just as soon as I think I understand the parable, the event, the one-liner, it does a number on me.

Refuses to be conquered.

Reveals I’m scratching the surface in understanding, let alone application.

I know this to be true as I study Jesus’ desert trials, His relationship with Peter, betrayals, the terrors of Gethsemane, The Transfiguration, The Woman caught in adultery, “love your enemies,” to name a few. 

For 10 years (at least) these events in Jesus’ life and many of His sayings have refused to let me go and keep offering me more and more opportunities for understanding and for application.

Who really knows what Jesus meant when he said “a seed must die to bear fruit” (John 12:24) and I am not talking botany?

Every believer worth his or her salt has a go at “unpacking” (my least favorite verb I hear in Christendom) this but I think most attempts at interpretation fail to grasp the larger application of the metaphor, let alone how the “death” occurs and how it applies to you and to me.

 Let me know if you think you know. 

Parables, if we are willing to resist the thought that we already know all there is to know about any one of them, will unfold meaning for years and go deeper and deeper into the willing heart with revelation.

Thinking I know becomes a blockage. My blockage. Time after time reading them I go back to what I already know, which keeps new understanding waiting in the wings for an opportunity to get a moment on stage.

Another thing I find blocks my learning is when I become an insight addict and seek insight and more insight into Scripture but resist or refuse to put the insights into the daily-life action.

Insight, without accompanying action, is not only useless, it blocks further revelation. Then, if I get any insight, refusing to act on what I see becomes a ditch into which my insight tumbles and I become another of millions upon millions of Christains who are incredibly insightful who are very willing to talk, often endlessly, about what they see in whatever be the Biblical topic. And that’s about it.

My gosh, have I met some insightful and loquacious Christians?

Certainty, too, seals shut possibilities of growth and learning. 

It stops discovery. Certainty block’s revelation. 

I find embracing ambiguity and possibility for behavior change opens the floodgates to new understanding and new ways to be in the world.

Understanding Scripture requires change. Transformation. Understanding Scripture will demand it be more than an academic exercise and will seek to influence who and how we are as men and women in our various roles in our various communities and within our families.   

I have read the “Prodigal Son” many many times and have often thought I have a reasonable take on Jesus’ point. My perspectives change if I read it as if I am the Older Brother when my default has always been to read it as the younger, returning son, the “good” guy. When reading the parable from the Older Brother’s point of view I have no problem understanding why he has an issue with the upstart’s return and why he avoids the party. If I read it from the perspective of the Father it doesn’t take long before I am reduced to tears. I think I know that kind of love, at least as much as I am able. My sons have been trying to teach me about it since they entered the world and broke into my heart.

Shifting my point of view when I read “The Good Samaritan” also allows for new insights. I start from the perspective of the “questioning” lawyer. Then I move on through Jesus’ list of characters and end up reading it as the victim who receives assistance from the Samaritan.

When I read it as The Samaritan, I am reduced to tears.

In contrast to the “trained” and the professionals, the ones who should know, the rejected one is the loving one, the one who was never considered a neighbor, the “other,” is the one who goes the extra mile and loves his enemy and models neighborliness.

Have a fabulous Sunday.

March 14, 2023

Keep it clean

by Rod Smith

Harking back to my early music days – I began to perform publicly at 14 – my dad always told me to keep it clean.

He said that comedians and musicians never needed to be “blue” which meant suggestive or sexual. He said no one ever needed to use swear words or “bad words” or racial slurs in order to be funny.

Dad said that real artists could do it all without resorting to filth, claiming it was the distinguisher between real talent and those who were found lacking.

I know my dad would cringe if he were around today. Browsing an airport bookstore recently I was surprised how many book titles contain the “f” word on the cover. There are clergy who think it is cool or authentic or “vulnerable” to use the “F-word” in common exchanges and in print and from the pulpit.

Keep it clean, really. 

What we say and how we say it exposes our hearts.

It reveals what’s going on within you and me.

It lets others into what’s going on within each of us and I hate it when I am in a place where it feels necessary to use words I know my dad would prefer me to avoid.

Duke keeps it clean…..
March 13, 2023

Suggestion for Hallmark

by Rod Smith

I’m amused at how many “special days” there are and how many I miss. I’ve got the very best sister and brother on the planet but “National Siblings Day” comes and goes and I’m usually none the wiser. I missed “National Sons Day” quite recently. “French Bulldog Day” too, comes and goes and I’m yet to post a picture of Maggie dressed to the nines in her French Pink collar. 

I’d like to suggest a few new holidays for Hallmark or whoever pushes these special days:

Good Samaritan Day — love someone (send flowers, bake cookies, research what he or she needs and provide it) whom you could legitimately reject or who could legitimately reject you. That, after all, is the essence of the parable. It’s not about dumping “the poor” with stuff you don’t need or want.

Prodigal Day — Dismount your high horse and throw a party of welcome for all the “wrong” and “lost” and rejected people you know whether they’ve “changed” or not. There’s no indication in the parable that the returning son has “repented” and it may well be you or me who really has to.

Woman Caught in Adultery Day — leave your “stones” of judgment at home and walk through the day humbly aware of your own shortcomings. Jesus gives the woman a break and an identity. Let’s do the same for all the “tragic figures” we meet and perhaps someone will have and display similar grace for us, yes, you and me.

Meet Maggie
March 11, 2023

Are real conversations a dying art?

by Rod Smith

Screen-obsession may be rendering face-to-face conversations a dying art. 

You may have noticed some people can look deeply into a screen for hours but are uncomfortable, even unsettled, rattled really, with the briefest of human eye-contact. 

I acknowledge this idea will not fly in some cultures and contexts and none of which I’ll name.

Adapt the words (adjust, make the idea sound like your own) that follow to avoid sounding ridiculous and contrived, but use the broad ideas in face-to-face conversations.

Be gentle, you may be met with delight or horror!

“I am interested in how you arrived here (this job, predicament, fabulous place). Tell me as much as you’d like me to know.” 

“I will give you an hour (ten minutes, two hours, choose your amount of time) of uninterrupted time to tell me as much or as little about anything you choose. I will listen with both ears, both eyes, and all my heart and offer zero advice or judgment.”

“I’d love to hear about what you want from your life and about your plans to achieve what you want with your life.”

“What are the three or four greatest challenges you’ve ever faced? I’m interested in learning. Tell me as much or as little as you’d like me to know.”

[web only- not for Merc]

Some time ago – my sons. Pure delight.
March 9, 2023

You’re not always right…..

by Rod Smith

Dear Rod: On the whole I think you give very positive advice, although you’re not always right! I estimate that 90% is a good average, so keep it up! I enjoy your column. Kind regards, Glen

I love such responses to my work and have probably received hundreds of similar replies (always from men) over the 22 years this column has appeared daily in The Mercury.

Glen is far above average when it comes to politeness.

Thank you Glen for the 90% grade. I’m quite happy to reach even 75% (of being “right”) given the diversity of readers and thinkers of our beloved newspaper.

I do try to be positive. I do this first for myself and then for my readers given that most of us are more immersed in negative news than is probably good for the soul. I really do approach my life and the blank page (actually a blank screen) with a “yes” or “can-do-it” mindset. Who wants to live with anything less let alone read repeated discouragement in the mornings?

I know I’m not always right. Thank you for reminding me about this.

Life certainly agrees with you and often reminds me, rather loudly, that I’m not.

My son Thulani – 25 soon!
February 27, 2023

Yes, he/she is going to work very hard to……

by Rod Smith

A man or woman who is a survivor of a difficult or traumatic childhood will often go to unusual extremes in several of life’s arenas.

“Make it perfect,” becomes the mantra.

The extremes are intense attempts at perfection to put right the past or stop it intruding on the present.

This may be particularly obvious when parenting.

The survivor of a difficult childhood whom you love will go to endless lengths to please you once he or she has broken through the trust barrier with you.

Once you are trusted it will be in ways he or she has never trusted before.

Be gentle as it could be very fragile.

When suspicious questions arise, answer as honestly as you know how you realize that it is not about your behavior, it’s about history repeating itself.

The man or woman whom you may love who is a survivor of a difficult childhood will often feel heavily let down if well made plans go awry. He or she may suddenly become completely disillusioned when discovering he or she was unable to create something perfect for you to experience together.

Remember, it’s all about quieting the past.

February 26, 2023

Reunion

by Rod Smith

If you ever want a beautiful picture of mercy the Biblical account of the life of Joseph is the place to go.

His response to his desperate, begging brothers embodies the quality of mercy I have often received. 

While in Genesis, you will encounter with Joseph moments of extraordinary grace and healing, on top of surely being bombarded with the impulse to burst out in songs from the musical that bears his name.  

Following a rather violent and involuntary departure and after decades of separation from his family, Joseph abounds in kindness and mercy towards his brothers. This same band of brothers found young Joseph so threatening they discarded him into a well, as a kinder option to killing him, and then sold him to a traveling caravan. 

As a result  of their jealousy and violence Joseph spent years in isolation and torment. 

When, decades later and faced with his brothers, Joseph would be justified if he chose to have nothing to do with them or exercised his extraordinary powers in the pharaoh’s domain to have them arrested and held accountable for their crimes. 

But no, recognizing who they are, knowing his brothers have come in search of help, he discloses his identity.  

“I am Joseph. Is my father still alive?”

His first question is about their father’s wellbeing. 

I cannot imagine being cut-off from my extended family, all of whom live in distant countries. 

I cannot imagine not knowing if one of my closest relatives is living or dead. 

Joseph’s retribution quotient rests firmly at zero. When legitimately, there could be anger, Joseph expresses none. He fosters no desire for pay-back. 

“Come closer,” he says and weeps with relief and gratitude for the opportunity for reconciliation.

“I will provide for you,” he tells them and there are hugs and kisses and weeping all round. 

What a reunion! 

Many families long for such a reunion. 

Do you? 

“Something got in the way,” I hear a woman say revealing she has not spoken to her sister in decades.

“I will never talk to that woman again. She got mom’s dining room table she knew I wanted.”

A table got in the way. 

A dining room table was enough to sever a family tie? 

“Ah, it is not about the table,” may be a legitimate retort. 

I concede it may well not be about a table. Give me a few moments and I could suggest a variety of possible explanations for the schism a table may conveniently represent. 

Family estrangements can be horribly painful but, even sadder, we grow accustomed to them. We live with them. It becomes how life is.

“Something got in the way,” would have been a gross understatement had Joseph chosen victimhood. 

May we each do our parts in getting whatever got in the way, out of the way. 

Joseph embodied mercy when he had the choice to extract vengeance. 

Joseph chose humility, when he indeed could have demanded his brothers bow before him and beg for their lives.

By grace-upon-grace, may we each do the same.

February 25, 2023

Of COURSE he/she is hard to love (#2)

by Rod Smith

If you fall in love (or are friends) with a man or a woman who reveals having had a very difficult childhood there are a few things of which you may want to be aware.

Keep in mind that I am only one voice in a vastly explored arena. It is usually a good idea to get lots of insights from several sources.

Sad thing is that if you have already fallen in love you probably won’t be looking for help.

If you are, it’s because you’ve already begun to see how tough it is to love tough-historied people. (I rather like my euphemism).

“Troubled” or “unsettled” are pejorative terms.

Avoid them.

People from tough backgrounds can be very exciting, motivated and “world-changing” people.

If you are going to be partners you have to learn and understand what kind of music is playing in their heads and hearts and how they dance to it or turn it up or turn it down or turn it off (if they ever can).

They will often be way ahead of most people in terms of being street wise. They have had to be. They have been watching, negotiating, recruiting, debating and have had to have an eye for undercurrents for so long such behaviors are a way of life for them.

They will usually be cunningly intelligent but also possess zero desire to bring harm to you or others.

More about this sometime….

Artist: Trevor Beach – google him or find him on Facebook and buy his art. The above and another hangs in my office. I enjoy the idea that an artist named Beach seems only to paint Ocean Scenes.
February 23, 2023

Of COURSE he’s hard to get to know…….. (#1)

by Rod Smith

The problem with difficult childhoods in troubled families (pick your conflicts or addictions or stressors or health concerns – or a combination of several) is that children with difficult childhoods have had to dress for self-protection, and, as a lifestyle, have often had to prepare themselves for enduring domestic tensions or wars and regarded it as normal. This is how everyone lives isn’t it?

Once the child becomes an adult its difficult to shed engrained protection measures and essentials and throw off a guarded and conflictual lifestyle even if it’s no longer needed.

Carefree happy children may become carefree happy adults but it’s unlikely a stressed and anxious child will enter realms of stressfree bliss and trusting vulnerability on coming of age.

Adult survivors of difficult childhoods hear things like, “You’re so difficult to get to know,” and “You’re so difficult to get close to,” and “Why does everything have to be a fight?” and proceed with the hard work of adult life that mirrors the hard work of childhood wondering what on earth people are talking about.

************

Unrelated to column: got some new art in our home today: Cameroon artist Patrick Yogo Oumar (see Instagram if interested).

June 8, 2021

Acts of Love

by Rod Smith

I thought I knew what love looked like and then I saw a man’s daughters come home and, with their mother, nurse him back to health after COVID, commuting between their own families and their dad, helping him every step of the way. 

I thought I knew what love looked like and then I met a woman whose husband had, knowing he would precede his wife in death, prepared their home, doing all sorts of repairs and updates, so the house would be perfect for her for many years after his death. 

I thought I knew what community support looked like and understood it a little better when I found out that an entire town lined the streets to welcome a child back home after heart surgery. 

I thought I knew what love looked like and then I met a man who spent up to 12 hours a day nursing and feeding and caring for his wife who hadn’t recognized him for years. 

I thought I knew what love looked like and then I met siblings, one who needed a kidney and one who willingly gave so the other might live. 

What acts of great love have you seen? I’d love to know.