There is no good reason ever why any person ought tolerate poor treatment from another.
You teach people how to treat you.
I know you may feel trapped and without an escape route or a friend in the world, but you must get help if this post is reaching deeply into you.
“My husband had an emotional and physical affair with a woman with whom he still maintains contact. He assures me that it ended years ago and has no feelings for her. I still suffer the post-traumatic effects every time I see that she has called or texted him. I have told him how disrespectful it is that he has not cut complete ties with her; how counterproductive it is to have this third party in his life while we are still trying to heal from the pain and betrayal yet remain a couple, parent our children and rebuild our lives. I am frustrated that he values that ‘professional connection’ more than he values our marriage and family. I know I cannot control his actions or change his thinking. How can I find a way to cope with this feeling of utter disrespect and lack of compassion?”
He’s lied to you before and during the affair. He’s rubbing your nose in his lies every time he relates to the other woman, whether “it” is over or not. It might be “over” for them but it is not for you. Show up whenever and wherever you know they are together. Insist on being with him. Become impossible. Call her. Text her. Become “out of control.”
“My husband left me for my best friend. This not only devastated me but caused my children (and her husband and children) a lot of confusion. I don’t want things back how they were but I do want some peace of mind. Her husband has gone off the rails with anger and I have bordered on depression. How am I supposed to forgive two people who have been so close to me and who have done this bitter thing to people, including children, whom they profess to love?”
My response will focus on you and the double blow you have received.
You have lost two best friends and you have lost them to each other. They have together all of what you once enjoyed and you have none of it.
I do not write this to rub salt into the wound or to tell you what you do not already know – I write it so you may see that your loss is real and at least partially understood.
Your anger and depression is justified. Grieve, wail. Express it in any helpful way over the coming years.
At the same time (in sane, healthy moments) begin to rebuild your life.
It is possible to do both: grieve, build, grieve, and build – just not at the same moments.
“I have been in a relationship with a married man for two years. He left open his emails and his wife read them. He asked me to lie and I did. I didn’t want to hurt her or their children. I have tried so many times to end it. I do love him I am disgusted with myself. His wife has told him he will lose his children and house and he told me he would kill himself. So I have supported him so he has the strength to work through his marriage. I don’t know how to stop his emotional need for me to help him. We met was in a training course where he was the teacher. Before me I know of 3 other women he has slept with. What concerns me is he is an authoritative figure where I work I feel he has some major behavioral problems. I really need some advice on how to handle this man without compromising my self or my career. I am a single mother.”
Every ounce of energy you direct towards him supports your mutual pathology. You are at least as troubled and compromised as he is. Until you expose all of this at work it will continue.
“Women put everything on the MAN! Talking about they need to be in the right mood. They need romance. Don’t get me wrong, I try to look at her point of view about sex but they never put US in the mood. We’ve been together for a year and engaged since February and I already feel like I’m 50 or 60 years old! These types of problems are supposed to happen around that age! I’m only 24 and she’s 29! I can’t win!” (Edited of hard language)
Clean up your language. It might (emphasis on the “might”) make you more attractive all round. If you swear (cuss) while you are writing about your most intimate relationship, one can only imagine what you must be like face-to-face.
How a person treats outsiders (those whom you do not know and who will read your writing) is a powerful indicator of how a person treats insiders (those close to you).
If you shifted your focus from what you want to what you can contribute you might see some change.
Diminish your desire to control. (“I can’t win” — healthy relationships were never about winning and losing).
Become less demanding, needy, and a lot more loving, and you may grow up a lot and be ready for the kind of sex a partner wants.
You are totally off in your understanding of men in their 50’s and 60’s. You, it is clear to me, don’t have enough behind your eyes (life experience) to have good sex – and if you keep on with your current manner of operating, which I call being “penis propelled”, you might never have it.
I hope your partner reads your post and identifies you (which you sent anonymously –another indication of your immaturity) and regards it as an impetus to bail. If she stays, and you continue to be as demanding as you clearly are, she is in for one sad, sad ride.
Mr. or Ms. Unpredictable
You walk on eggshells.
You fear a massive fallout – yet you also wish for it.
You say something honest – then, almost immediately you wish you hadn’t.
You know that no matter how innocent or insignificant or benign a conflict – it will get magnified out of all proportion.
Innocent statements, even vulnerable reflections on your part, will be misinterpreted, misquoted, and repeated incorrectly and used against you forever.
You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love but have second thoughts (actually a million thoughts!) about how love is supposed to feel.
You are usually wrong and you are told you are stupid.
When you admit fault, or even stupidity, you are at fault and stupid for admitting it.
When you are right you are wrong for saying so or you think you are perfect and trying to show others up.
If you are silent you are avoiding conflict and if you speak out you are “looking for trouble.”
In your intimate whirlpool (more like an emotional tornado) white is black, black is white and the water is very murky.
Innocence is guilt.
Pointing out obvious error is entrapment.
You are exhausted with the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot, or will not, take responsibility for his or her own needs.
You “share” (it’s better described as emotional wrestling) life with an emotional piranha and yet, for some unfathomable reason, you stay, feeling unable to escape.
When people have to use intimidation, manipulation or domination, the relationship is already spoiled or poisoned. It’s a power play of control. Redeeming such a relationship is possible with a wise plan, strongly re-defined boundaries, enduring commitment, and the possibility of a time of separation in order so a modified perspective might be gained.
Willingness and desire to be together, equality between people and complete mutuality are the hallmarks of healthy relationships.
Where any form of strong-arm tactics are used, the relationship has already taken a turn to become something harmful to both the parties.
Each of these relationship-poisons (manipulation, domination and intimidation) can be very subtle, coming in different shapes, sizes, and intensities.
Here are some of the evidences of manipulation, intimidation, and domination in a relationship:
1. The relationship is kept on an unequal footing that one person may keep power over another. In severely controlling relationships both parties may have forgotten there are choices at all.
2. One person tries to get what he or she wants without declaring what is wanted. In attempting to get what the one person wants, both persons are diminished.
3. One person does not see the other as totally free.
4. One person tries to get what he or she wants through threats or withdrawal.
5. It is expected that every move, thought, and feeling will be reported at least from the less-dominant person to the other. If one person is unwilling to tell all, it is assumed there is something to hide.
6. One person is not free to make plans without consulting or getting permission from the other.
7. One person in the relationship continually evaluates and examines the commitment and love of the other.
8. The dominant person tells the other how they should feel and usually re-scripts any division or disagreement into the appearance of unity.
9. One person feels at liberty to speak for both people and then, is offended when the partner wants to express his or her own views.
10. Desire for self-expression or a distinct voice (by one) is considered betrayal or a lack of trust (by the other).
11. One person expects unilateral support for his or her opinions, choices and desires, declaring somewhat of an attitude which says: If you say you love me then you have to love everything about me, under all conditions, and all of the time.
12. Difference in opinion or having different interests is considered a lack of love, or a lack of respect and commitment.
Simple definitions and a metaphor which might be helpful in considering the three “cancers” of relationships:
Manipulation: playing chess with another person or with people. Maneuvering as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into loving us or doing what we want.
Domination: playing chess with another person or with people as in manipulation. The difference is the dominator has removed the opponent’s pieces without declaring so in the first place.
Intimidation: playing chess with another person or with people where winning and losing comes with either the threat of punishment or actual punishment.
Healthy Relationship: There is no element of either winning or losing; it is not a game. It is free of tactics, ploys, moves, and agendas.
I will assess your committed relationship and give it a grade: A+ through to a B-.
A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.
You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).
All you need:
(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil
(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you
(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.
BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.
Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.
There is a cost of $29.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY via your email address.
I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.
I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.
I look forward to hearing from you.
I will assess your committed relationship and give it a grade: A+ through to a B-.
A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.
You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).
All you need:
(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil
(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you
(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.
BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.
Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.
There is a cost of $49.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY and via your email address.
I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.
I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.
I look forward to hearing from you.
“My ex-husband is very irresponsible when it comes to finances even thought he earns more money than I do. He comes to me to lend him money all the time. I try to budget well so I feel bad to say no. But what hurts is that he also comes in and out of my house like it is his. He will come over and sit and watch a movie when he supposed to be ‘visiting’ the children. How do I set the boundaries in terms of my space and not having to worry about his financial problems, as we no longer married? He chose to be with someone else rather than stay and fix the marriage.”
Stop the supply.....
Your ex-husband will take advantage of your home and finances and invade your boundaries for as long as you permit it.
Stop the supply. Bolt (metaphorically) your doors. Cut the ties. Have the children meet or see him outside of your home. Quit being his mother, his Mother Theresa, and the one who enables his stunted development.
No problem is ever solved if you keep feeding it.
That he asks you for anything is not a sign of love, or hope, and nor is it a suggestion that anything might be mended in the future. His behavior confirms that he has failed to grow up. He will take advantage of anyone who will cooperate with his selfish ways.
Get over “feeling bad” – the man feels nothing for you. He will not starve if you don’t supply. If the man can leave his wife and children for another woman believe me he’ll find another supply-line when you stop yours up.
Every penny you give him enables his parasitic ways.
difficultrelationships.com 