November 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
“After a five-year abusive relationship I took two years to reflect and think. Then I met a boyfriend two years ago who was perfect for me. About a month into the relationship he started telling me he had a problem with the way I dress. I had told him all about the abuse in my last relationship. He told me my ex was crazy and that I am beautiful and that he should have been proud to be with me. So the guy who said my ex should have been proud of me is now the guy saying no skirts, no shorts, and no dresses. I’m not allowed to dye my hair black: it makes me look easy. If guys look at me it’s my fault. I feel ashamed because I’m back in the same situation as before and feel super dumb.” (Edited)
A man who has to control a woman does so for many reasons, none of which have anything to do with the woman. Perhaps it’s time to take another sabbatical from men. While you obey things will not improve. He told you HE has a problem with the way you dress after a month – and you are still with him 23 months later!
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation |
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November 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I never thought I’d be the one to have an affair. I work with a man who is 15 years younger and I have become obsessed with him. Now, after a wild three weeks, he is pulling back and is guilt ridden. He won’t take my calls. He won’t look at me. He’s probably going to change his job to get away. This is driving me insane for so many reasons. My husband of 25 years has no idea but to think something is up since I have been so irrational. I had no idea I could become so trapped by my own thoughts and behaviors. I’ve gone from feeling self-righteous about women who cheat to feeling like a criminal. Please help.” (Edited)
1. Go cold turkey – this means no contact, no calls, no chasing, and no emails – nothing. You cannot get over something you have found this powerful if you keep feeding it.
2. Get professional help. A trained person will guide you through the quagmire of trying to make sense of the nonsense you have co-created.
I have been overwhelmed with the response to “Give Something Away Every Day” as published on Friday November 19th, 2010. If you’d like to join or read the stories please go to GSAED on Facebook.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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October 18, 2010
by Rod Smith
Honor courage when you meet it
the bravest people I have ever met. Not only are many fighting financial battles with a former spouse, they are at the same time negotiating with schools, coordinating visits to doctors, ferrying children to and from sports events, strategizing visits for the children with the other parent, and trying to placate a boss and colleagues at work. Simultaneously, many are trying to maintain some form of sanity though attempting to develop the semblance of a social life while having to face a stigma (thankfully it is diminishing in some cultures) about being divorced at all.
What divorced mothers do not need is:
1. Romantic involvement with a needy man – especially one who is in search of a mother but doesn’t know it.
2. Judgment about her parenting, her discipline, or her children’s behavior.
3. Questions about what went wrong in her marriage, or the suggestion (overt or covert) that had she “given” her marriage to God, or been more obedient or submissive, or prayed more, fasted more, tithed more faithfully, her marriage would have survived.
4. To be thought of as an easy target for sex as if it is the one thing she must surely be missing now that her marriage is over.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family |
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October 9, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Is it an affair if you do everything but have sex? I had a relationship with a married man who told me that if his wife found out he would tell her I was a stalker. I thought he was joking. We had a place we would go see each other. He eventually showed up with his wife without telling me. I never talked to him again. He never called me and I was too afraid to call him. His wife started showing up where I use to see him and gave me dirty looks as if she knew what was going on. The ‘relationship’ between us was on and off for two years. I have guilt about and still have feelings for him. I do not contact him but I want to. I fear his wife and know deep down he is bad for me. I was wrong as well. I felt wild for him. We were physical sexually but never had sex as this to him was the only real proof of cheating. What do you think?”
It’s an affair (or an act of unfaithfulness) if it seduces either person from his or her primary intimate relationship, makes either person have to lie to anyone, and involves any intimate physical contact.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation |
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August 22, 2010
by Rod Smith
No room to move....
(Minimal edits)
While it takes two to tangle (not tango!) it only takes one of the partners to cheat. I trust you will experience greater love than you’ve ever known.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation |
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August 15, 2010
by Rod Smith
Want wisely.....
– not in you, me, nor in the man in the moon. It has no upside. It produces nothing worth having. It reduces everyone in its environment to a victim. It scares children. There’s nothing redeeming about rage. It causes physiological distress, psychological pain, and accelerates physical exhaustion. It hurts relationships. Rage is always ugly, always destructive.
Rage is never helpful
I’ve witnessed rage erupt in clients during therapy where there’s a sudden burst of rage over a matter that might appear inconsequential to the observer. I’ve seen it while I am engaged in the give and take of life – a woman loses it with her child in public, a man yells uncontrollably in the traffic, a teenager storms off from a parent in the mall.
Regretfully, I’ve felt it in me. Forces collide, my world feels out of control, I resort to blaming others for whatever I perceive as having gone wrong. Something primal snaps. I’m momentarily blind, deaf to reason. Then, I breathe deeply. I hold onto myself. Reason returns. Logic prevails. I get my focus off others. I look at myself. I take responsibility for myself. Do I always catch it? Handle it well? Of course not.
How is a person to handle a moment of rage in a loved one? Keep a level head. Walk away. Try not to react. Don’t personalize it. It’s not about you. You may participate in the precipitating event, but you don’t cause the outburst. In the moment of his or her fury don’t try to reason, negotiate, or restrain.
This too shall pass.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Listening, Sex matters, Space, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence |
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August 4, 2010
by Rod Smith
Green-eyed monster!
“My girlfriend won’t let me talk to my childhood girlfriends,” or “My husband won’t visit my family. He says I ignore him when I am with them,” are frequent themes in my inbox. One man I know is jealous of men his wife reads about in novels. Here are broad principles to apply if you face the “green-eyed monster”:
There are reasons you found each other attractive. So while your partner might play host to the virus of jealousy, somewhere in the mix you may have some limited responsibility for fostering its success if jealousy is an issue between you. First examine your contribution (how have you fed the monster?) before you point fingers at your partner for any expressions of jealousy.
A virus, jealousy is an emotional virus, must have a host to survive. Once hosted, having no capacity to self-monitor, it will run wild within the host. The only effective treatment for the virus of jealousy (as is true with any virus) is starvation. So do not allow it to succeed. Bring it into the light (it hates exposure) every time it shows its ugly, borrowed face. Do not try to work with, understand, or appease jealousy. You cannot reason with a virus so don’t waste time trying.
You do not cause jealousy (by ANYTHING you do) and it is never an indication of love.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation |
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August 1, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My first six months of marriage has bee absolutely miserable. I love him with all my heart. He has become my whole existence. I am a friendly person and people tend like me. My husband takes it as flirting. We no longer work together so it’s worse since now he can’t keep an eye on me. I am not allowed to wear make up, do my hair, or wear perfume. If I do I’m trying to sleep with somebody. He checks my phone and Email and questions me on every call and every text. I would never cheat. I try to convince him but nothing works. I do everything he wants yet he finds reasons to get upset. This has changed me as a person. I no longer enjoy life. I have pushed my friends away. I don’t ever want to leave him but I don’t how to improve our marriage. Will counseling help?”
Quit trying to appease a virus.....
The more you surrender your legitimate, God-given power, the more of your legitimate, God-given power he will assume, until the “you” in you (your uniqueness, your ability to think for yourself) disappears altogether.
Stop doing everything he wants. Your husband has an emotional virus – and, it is most unloving to feed it. While you try to appease it, not only are you attempting the impossible, it will only get worse.
His jealousy has NOTHING to do with you or your behavior. It is HIS issue and while you make it yours, you will never be able to do enough to appease it.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination |
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July 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
Passivity can be abusive, too.
Partner abuse is not restricted to physical violence. Emotional and psychological abuse, while not requiring hospital visits, can be as devastating as overt violence. Emotional abuse is also domestic violence. If your relationship drains your self-esteem, isolates you, “grinds” you down, feels like a prison more than love, it is likely you are in an abusive relationship. Get outside help if any one of the following is true.
Your partner:
1. “Railroads” conversations. You can’t discuss your concerns for fear of things getting out of hand.
2. Gives you no time to think believing he or she already knows everything you think and feel.
3. Criticizes, humiliates, undermines, and ridicules you, your family, and your friends – usually in private, sometimes not. You are afraid of the very person whom you are supposed to love.
4. Keeps you “in line” by withholding money, the car, your phone, or access to the Internet.
5. Has stolen from you and run up debt in your name.
6. Has thrown away or destroyed your things, opens, reads, even destroys or deletes your mail and scours your phone bill. Mistrust is his or her default position.
7. Blames you for his or her moods, failures, and missed opportunities.
8. Can be hurtful and obnoxious one minute, repentant and charming the next.
Received by email 7/30/2010
“I am in an abusive relationship. He chose the engagement ring, because he feels that “if he is paying for it, he must like it”. He sold my car in order for me to use his car and controls where I go and if it suits him. He does not support me financially. I am expecting his baby in December, he refuses to help pay my bills whilst I am on maternity leave, yet insists that I take 3 months, which I cannot afford to do. He is selfish and will only agree to any decision if it benefits him. He changes the DSTV channel while I’m watching a movie, because he pays the MNET bill. He came into our room one night, I was fast asleep, he put the TV on and turned up the volume, this woke me, when I confronted him about his inconsideration he said “this is my bed and TV and I will watch TV when I like.” He bought me sunglasses for Christmas and told me he needed to use my sunglasses, when I said no, he called me a bitch and said ” I paid for them…”
He refuses to accept that he is selfish and controlling. He says that I’m the problem. I cannot discuss any problem with him, because he gets defensive and we fight.
My coping skills: I’m saving to buy my own car and move out, I’m only taking 2 months maternity leave, I will never ask him for anything again.
Anon”
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Sexual abuse, Triangles, Victims |
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July 25, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My fiancé tells me I want to talk about everything too much. I have been the ‘therapist’ among my friends since first grade. He hates it when I want to talk through an issue. We were having a debate and I cut him off. He became very angry and told me it was horribly rude and disrespectful to interrupt him. Not even five minutes later, after listening to what he had to say and asking if he was finished, I began to explain my side. Mid-sentence he interrupted me. I stared at him in disbelief before losing my temper and blowing up. I am a firm believer in equality. When I tell him he is being a hypocrite, he blows up and tells me that we don’t need to talk about every little issue. Everyone calls him immature but I wanted to see what an impartial outsider had to say.” (Edited)
I think he's seeking some space.....
Discard the therapist label – especially with your fiancé. The very suggestion that you’d be his therapist will be very inappropriate. Besides this, good therapeutic process often allows for silent, purposeful living. To think that therapy is only a matter of talking things through (over-and-over) is to misunderstand therapy almost completely.
I have no idea how immature he is. I’d suggest you not discuss him with “everyone”, which I know, is not only immature, it doesn’t do much for love. Also, keep in mind that our strongest attractions are toward those of equal emotional maturity.
Of course he resists being called names – do you know anyone who welcomes being the victim of such behavior? Try to focus on your behavior, and not on his. It seems you want to pick on him, fix him, change him, more than you want to resolve issues. I’d suggest you go on a month long fast of discussing issues.
Resist the urge to equate love with time spent talking. It can be as much an act of love to walk for hours in silence.
Ironically, verbal processing (talking things through) can send the very issues you wish to face and resolve into hiding.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Reactivity, Triangles, Voice |
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