February 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
ACT, Australia
Putting our hope for happiness in another doesn’t work.
I (we) have come to 42 years of marriage years because:
1. I took responsibility for my own life and own happiness and stopped depending on my husband to make me happy.
2. I began to discover who I was in the relationship…and stopped becoming what my husband wanted me to be.
3. I gave myself permission to have a ‘voice’ – and listened to the person inside me – the one who had never been listened to before – and in that way, I began to discover my value as an individual. I wasn’t just a wife and mother but a unique individual with gifts and talents, strengths and weaknesses.
4. I also sought help from a professional because the things that I just described to you, I couldn’t do on my own. I needed help. The person I saw gave me another perspective of my life that I had never seen before. It was in that place that I found hope and a new beginning as a new world opened up before me.
Marriage is still work for us but I discovered that the relationship, no matter how difficult, can also be a way to grow and learn more about myself as well as give to my spouse what he needs in our relationship. Both of us by the way came from dysfunctional homes where we hadn’t learned how to relate in a healthy way.
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February 1, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. We are mutual and respectful in every way and treat each other as we would treat any valued friend.
2. We talk respectfully to each other and we talk respectfully about each other.
3. We do not feel pressure to tell each other more (or less) than we’d reveal to other treasured friends.
4. We are friends, sometimes companions, who also happen to be parent and adult son or daughter.
5. We do not barge into each others lives, presume availability, or assume willingness to spend time together, just because we are related.
6. We contact each other, we talk on the phone, and drop in on each other while also fully acknowledging that each of us has a full life outside of each other.
7. We respect each others freedom to interpret the past as he or she sees necessary.
8. We offer each other the freedom to plan a future that might represent a radical departure from the way things have been.
9. We offer absolute respect to the people we each choose to love.
10. We seldom, if ever, tell each other what the other “should”, “ought”, “need”, or “must” do.
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January 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My wife is addicted to her cell phone. Nothing I say or do will convince her otherwise. The woman is constantly on her phone talking or text-messaging. She sleeps with her phone, clutching it like a child may clutch a stuffed toy. She cannot bear to have her phone out of her sight for even a minute. My wife has even text-ed people during sex! Forget about having a conversation or watching a movie together. It just isn’t going to happen. I have tried to discuss this issue with her but she just stares back at me. All attempts at meaningful conversation or at just spending time together are nothing more than exercises in futility. What really hurts me is the fact that my wife, who is an intelligent woman, does not see the problem or, if she does, she refuses to get help. In the meantime, I am lost. My wife is literally destroying our marriage and refuses to do anything about it.”
ACT, Australia
Have you considered getting through to your wife by texting her yourself? If this is the only kind of communication that she immerses herself in, perhaps you can let her know your struggle via your own cell.
The fact that she texts even during sex causes me to wonder what the health of your marriage was like before she became addicted to her cell. State (Text) your case and comments to her and then find help for what your options are concerning your marriage relationship.
Reacting to her will only send you deeper into your own powerlessness.
Self-examine, first.....
responses have crossed my mind, but I’ll resist. Your marriage, wife, and consequently you, require a powerful, face-to-face professional intervention.
This inordinate attachment cannot occur in a vacuum – so I’d suggest the phone is a symptom and not the cause.
Begin with ruthless self-assessment.
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January 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I do everything I can to satisfy my husband only to be disrespected any and everywhere. He has choked me, left me, convinced me to co-sign for a car for him, lied about my friends. He had his brothers disrespect me, kissed other women’s hands in front of me. He talks about the women in front of me with his friends in seductive ways. I still feel like he will change one day and we will live happy ever after. I know this is a fairy-tale belief. I’m afraid that he will leave me and stay gone. I don’t feel like I can live without him. I have gone back to church and it is helping a lot. When he starts his mess I turn on my gospel music and he takes his drunk-self to sleep. I’ve learned that he cannot argue by himself. I’m praying about my situation. It’s just me being afraid to be alone again.” (Edited from comments)
While you are an expert in HIS behavior and unwilling to see your participation in your demise the toxic dance will persist. Until you “see the light”, and gather a community of women to support you, and are sufficiently courageous to call his bluff, he will not change. It is you who must.
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January 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am a gay man in my 40s and very comfortable with my life. My father ended our relationship when I told him I was gay about 15 years ago. I have heard he is very, very ill and I would like to see him. Is this likely to dig up stuff for me in a harmful or a helpful way? I am more nervous than I expected but I find I am no longer angry at him at all. Your ideas and suggestions would be appreciated.”
Humble yourself and visit your father. Perhaps it is time for you to care for your father in ways you have thought him unable to care for you.
Forgive. Forgive, and forgive- no matter what “surfaces” for you.
Your degree of comfort with your life will be tried and tested by your capacity to embrace your estranged father – especially if his views and attitudes remain unchanged.
This is not about sexuality, or about winning or losing, or about any degree of discomfort you may feel in facing your past – rather, I believe it is about an adult son and a father finding peace, and each other.
Parenting your father, as he nears the end of his life, will offer each of you the ultimate challenge to overcome that that which has divided you for so long and, I believe, your whole family will be better off for it.
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January 5, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have been single for a few years after a 5 year marriage and I think it is time for me to start dating. The few men I have met or that I hear other women talk about want to get settled or they are looking for a step mother for their children after a rough divorce. I am not sure I am willing to put up with all it takes to find someone. What is the time span that would be healthy to leave before I date after a divorce? Is it unfair to date men when you have no real intention of marrying again?”
Take up your life....
allow at least one full calendar year (sometimes much longer) after any major relationship trauma has occurred before a similar relationship is once again pursued.
It seems, from reading your brief letter, that you are ready to look any man fully in the face and announce exactly what you want and do not want. I do not believe it is unfair to date while not seeking something permanent.
What is always unfair is giving the impression you want something that you are really not looking for at all.
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January 4, 2010
by Rod Smith
“It’s the sugar, hunger, or being tired that causes the my girlfriend’s children’s outbursts. It is never that ‘mom’ argues with her children and any threat of punishment never ever happens. My daughter is now refusing to be around us, wondering how and why she has to behave while my girlfriend’s children are allowed to be monsters. It’s about to end our relationship. I have sat in public too many times embarrassed by their behavior. It is sad but I am being asked to help her in controlling her children but when I do she defends their actions and then yells at me! I tell her if she’d treat her children the way she treats me her problems would be solved!” (Minimal edits)
Get out of the middle...
– and, I have seen myself do the same thing. It is illogical and unreasonable, but children often wield disproportionate power with parents and it seems more often so with single parents. The parent is often blind to unhelpful parenting behaviors while the “errors” are glaring for all who look on. Yet it remains a road to ruin when an “outsider” (even if you are the significant other) becomes involved in correcting another’s children – even, believe it or not, when such help is requested.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triangles, Voice |
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January 3, 2010
by Rod Smith
“You frequently write to “get out of the middle” and “mind your own business” as if it is easy to do. It is not. My sons (all adults) and my new husband cannot get along and it frustrates me to no end. I am in the middle and it is my business. What can I do to help them?”
Separate yourself so they can find their own relationships.
how important it is to you, and then leave it. Every time you run interference for your sons or your husband, and try to maneuver their relationships, you make it all the more unlikely that your sons and husband will deal with whatever keeps them at loggerheads.
You might find some relief knowing that a new partner in a second marriage, simply by the role acquired, is positioned for rejection. It can come, at least at first, with the territory. Of course this is not always true or insurmountable. Be sure, it will be pushed further from resolution while you, and not the men in question, are working at it.
What you can do is identify why you are so anxious that everyone gets along. It is possible to be family and accommodate varying degrees of acceptance and rejection.
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January 2, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I had an affair with a married man because I was not strong. His wife said I wanted him. One day after work, her husband asked me if I would meet him and I agreed. It made sense because I was already accused. I spent one morning with him and then he started calling and we became very close. Now we have a child and I live with him. I have learned a life long lesson. Because someone makes accusations you do not have to make them true. I have made some decisions in my life that I can never take back. I have caused great pain to both our families. Deep down inside that I want out. I am ready to move on to get my life together. If you are in a situation like mine, walk away. Once it’s done, it is done. You can never take back anything you do. Don’t let people tell you it’s your fault because it’s not. It takes two people. Walk away. I love my baby but when this child grows up, I will have a lot of explaining to do.” (Edited)
Your confession moves me and I trust it serves to help others avoid the circumstance you both created.
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December 31, 2009
by Rod Smith
Thanks for being a part of my work...
I am not sure how many “You and Me” columns (or “Difficult Relationships” columns) I have written in 2009 – but, apart from minimal technical limitations of email occasionally occurring, as far as I know I have not skipped a day. As “You and Me” has become an integral part of my daily routine going back about ten years, I have often asked myself what it is that so motivates me. Friends, of course, who are regularly fascinated by this anomaly (how many people do you know who write a daily newspaper column that is published 12,000 miles away?) ask me the same question.
I think I know the reasons:
1. I thoroughly love the discipline of family therapy,
2. I deeply desire to make an impact with my life,
3. I need the daily discipline required to form the column everyday, and
4. Being in your daily paper is a fine way to stay connected with my roots.
It’s 2010. It’s time to invigorate our emotional, physical, and psychological lives afresh. Thanks to all the readers who offer this column support and to the many who write to me on a daily basis. One of my deepest regrets is that I cannot write and talk to every one personally – but it is certainly not without trying.
Thanks for a great 2009, this year is going to be even better!
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