June 23, 2006
by Rod Smith
My son and his wife have lived with me for 3 years. They don’t pay rent. I thought that by letting them live with me they’d save a lot for their new home. I have been getting really cross when she wastes money they should put toward their house. I am going without things to help them and she doesn’t go without anything. I could only do this because my husband died many years ago and he planned very well. What should I do? (Edited)
Allowing adults to live rent-free is unwise. Remember that something for nothing always costs somebody something. You are in this situation because you did not clearly clarify your expectations at the outset.
Tell them you were wrong in not charging them rent. Give them a date (I’d suggest the beginning of August 2006) by which you will have them sign a lease and begin paying rent. I’d suggest you ask a little less than they’d pay were they not renting from family. You might choose, since you want to help them get their own home, to put aside something of what they pay, and offer it to them as a gift once they have already purchased their new home.
Posted in Blended families, Family, In-laws |
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June 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
Deciding, making a deliberate choice, to have a wonderful life is certainly an integral part of becoming a more fulfilled person. And it is in the seemingly smallest of ways that this decision begins to influence and change what we become, how we relate to others and determines so much of the attitude we display from day to day. This decision sets into motion the potential for greater fulfillment from within our often very ordinary lives.
A simple choice to forgive others of their wrongs (or perceived wrongs) toward us, choosing to have an openness to new ideas, new things, and having a willingness to go to places previously avoided to assume new and fresh challenges, are the “simple” things such a decision might involve.
A wonderful life is not the result of possessing great wealth (a cursory glimpse at the miserable lives of so many wealthy movie stars will attest to that) or the result of success in marriage, parenting, sports or a career.
A wonderful life encompasses the capacity to see the divine in the ordinary, to see the extraordinary within the daily grind and a repeated recognition of God’s grandeur at every turn.
Posted in Love |
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June 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
My wife and I have lots of fights because at parties and family occasions she flirts with all the men. And NEVER flirts with me. She says she is just being friendly. I cannot understand why she carries on doing something she knows I do not like. What should I do?
It sounds like your wife has a lot more fun at parties and family occasions than you do. I'd suggest you stay home. If her friendliness is so threatening to you she ought to go alone. There are several reasons she "carries on doing something she knows" you do not like: she likes it; it is innocent; she understands it is not a good idea for you to control how she has fun.
Perhaps, if you took your focus off your wife and relaxed a little, she would want to flirt with you. Jealousy is not very attractive. The sooner you realize that your jealousy is your problem and that it has nothing at all to do with her behavior, the sooner you will be over it.
Two things: 1. He (or she) who has the feeling (in this case jealousy) has the problem. 2. Love and control cannot coexist in the same relationship.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Love, Manipulation |
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June 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
To the father of the entitled teenager (17) who lives rather ungratefully under his parent’s generous roof?
You son is popular with others and therefore he has it within him to have a fulfilling child/parent relationship. At 17 he can enter a meaningful discussion about what’s bothering you. When addressing him, reflect on your experiences as the parent rather than on how unwise or ungrateful you perceive him to be.
It is not too late to refuse to do for him the things he appears to take for granted. Make such a stand understanding he is resourceful enough to get what he needs without you.
Be sure to establish what it is that you want before you try to correct his errant ways. If you really want a meaningful father/son relationship, first establish what that means to you.
“I’d like some time on a weekly basis to talk with you face-to-face,” is reasonable. “You are never home so you can go out once a month,” is probably unreasonable.
Do not fall for the lie that your son’s difficulties are somehow directly related to your failings. Your son is talented and young enough to make his own mistakes. The last thing he needs is a dad who feels responsible for his every error.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Love, Reactivity, Space, Teenagers, Voice |
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June 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
All relationships require a developed sense of timing, of knowing when it is the appropriate time to talk about important matters, when to play or when to consider change. People get into hot water with each other because they fail to time their requests, fail to anticipate what the other is thinking and feeling, before they present their agenda.
Timing is as much an issue with married couples as it is with bosses/employees, teachers/students, and children/parents. To choose the right time to engage in conflict, to bring up a sensitive issue, to ask a tough question, is not an act of manipulation, but the attempt to display wisdom.
It is probably not a good time to discuss important matters when the other person is: 1. Rushed or preoccupied with other important matters. 2. Anxious about matters unrelated to you. 3. Has just received unwelcome news. 4. Is feeling pushed or cornered. 5. Is feeling used or unappreciated.
Under these conditions it is better to back off rather than forge ahead with your agenda whether it is your wife and you want to talk about buying a new car, or if it is your boss and you want to discuss higher compensation.
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Family |
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June 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: I refer to your various columns on emotional abuse and controlling behaviors. How does one stand up to a partner who is the darling of the outside world but at home is a controlling, emotional abuser? Is this person suffering from low self-esteem or something worse? Can it be “cured” with therapy or is it a lost case and should one walk away from such person?
A: Having seen persons considered the worst of offenders of all manner of aberrant behavior grow to live manageable, decent lives, I do not like to consider anyone a “lost cause.”
But, I’d suggest that the abuser is unlikely to be helped, or find peace, while remaining within the relationship where the abuse has occurred. In other words, the abused spouse will probably not be the source of salvation (change, growth) for the abusive person, except that he or she will assist by calling the abusive cycle to a halt through exposure or intervention.
Abusive people are often the “darling of the outside world” while being very difficult to live with. Not all abusive marriages have to end, but outside help must intervene, to break the cycle, if some change is to occur.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Sexual abuse, Victims |
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June 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: My son lives in another country and is married to a lovely woman. They are perfectly matched. His wife’s mother started to be very unkind to me (her daughter’s mother-in-law). I can’t even tell you what she did because it was so snide and insidious. I believe her behavior has to come from jealousy. Since she is the mother-in-law of our precious son I have to make it work. Do you have any pointers for me when we visit them for four days in the near future?
A: I’d suggest you laugh a lot and enjoy the people and places while you are overseas. Do not let the small-mindedness of others ruin your vacation.
You are not required to be friends with your son’s in-laws simply because you are related through marriage – but it would be nice, and so I’d not take her jealousy too seriously.
I’d suggest you adopt four attitudes:
1. What others think of me is none of my business.
2. Your jealousy is about you and it is not about me.
3. You’re the one with the jealous feelings, and therefore you are the one with the issue.
4. I will not give you permission to ruin my day by anything you do or say.
Posted in Communication, Long distance relationships |
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June 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: I had a miserable childhood and an even more a miserable life. I never get along with my family I am what you call a black sheep. I am now married and have one child. My marriage is on the rocks. My child and career are draining every bit of energy from me. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. My husband has a gambling problem! My credit cards are maxed out and I am trying to pay all the bills. I have no time for myself and even if I tried it still is not enough. I am losing my mind?
A: You have a very good mind and are apparently a high-functioning person: you work, can write a good letter, care for a child while under duress, and so there is always hope.
Redirecting these very skills, I believe you can find the help you need to gain some semblance of control over your destiny. Find a credit counselor at a church or place of worship; join a small group of healthy people who are working on their own lives. Make some legal plans so you are not victim of your husband’s bad habits. Things might start to change when you begin to move beyond victim thinking.
Posted in Anxiety, Love, Victims, Voice |
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June 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I met my ‘Prince Charming’ through an acquaintance. We hit it off from the beginning, but without any emotional fireworks. We shared a passion for ballroom dancing, and found we had much else in common: a love of the outdoors, music, humor; we are both financially independent, and we are both divorced with grown-up children. I thought it strange that he had no close friends and did not socialize beyond a very small circle, and that he showed no interest in introducing me to any of his family members, other than his married daughter. This should have been the first alarm bell to ring.
”Gradually he became more controlling, but in very subtle ways. He monitored what I ate and drank. He criticized my dancing when it wasn’t up to his standard. I had to live up to all his expectations all the time. He criticized my political opinions. Slowly but surely, he began to criticize all my opinions. There were violent outbursts of temper if I stood up to him in any way. Yet through all this, he remained the caring, thoughtful man I had grown to love, particularly when we were in the company of others, and I was so flattered that he was interested in me.” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
Posted in Anger, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation |
2 Comments »
June 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Since I make it almost essential (occasionally I agree it is inappropriate) for both parents to attend appointments with me (even if the parent are divorced) when the topic is a child, I was faced once again with divorced parents of a young girl. Dad was upset. The daughter, they reported, no longer wants to visit him every second weekend. Dad’s no longer her idol. Mom can’t get her to want her dad. The child misses her friends. Dad’s house is “boring.” All the moving unsettles her.
I suggest the parents consider switching houses every second weekend leaving their child permanently in one home. This way mom and dad would see the daughter as frequently, the child would remain near her friends, and her need to travel back and forth would be eradicated. An added bonus, which is obvious to me, involves the parents getting to know what it is like to live in two places and have to pack up and move every second weekend.
My clients were at first confused, and then furious that I would consider suggesting such disruption to their lives! Of course they had spent very little time considering how much children are “punished” and how significantly children’s lives are disrupted by visiting schedules that appear to be designed solely around the needs of the adults.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Communication, Divorce, Marriage, Single parenting, Victims, Voice |
3 Comments »
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