Author Archive

July 10, 2006

Wise workplace behavior…

by Rod Smith

Remember why you are employed. Make your specific tasks your total focus. Don’t expect others to pick up after you or to complete your work.

Don’t ever steal anything at all – not time, not telephone calls, telephone usage, mileage, paper, or the use of the copy machine. Dishonesty is most unsettling. “Everybody does it” is enough reason to avoid whatever “it” is.

Never date your boss, colleagues or employees.

Never discuss, except in appropriate meetings with the appropriate people, what you are paid. Never ask questions about how anyone else in your organization is compensated, or give anyone information to colleagues about your own wages, salary or benefits.

Never discuss your domestic circumstances, your financial woes or your sex life at work. If your personal life is troubling, seek help with the appropriate department within your company or seek outside help. Don’t attempt to turn the workplace into a support group or therapy ward.

Learn to mind your own business. Help others to do the same by politely refusing, during work hours, to engage in conversation not directly related to the work at hand. While you are not at work to make friends, this should not stop you from being friendly.

July 9, 2006

Age is just a number — will this relationship work?

by Rod Smith

I (22) am seeing a man (53) who is three years younger than my father. He says age is just a number, and that I make him feel 22 again. He’s been married twice to women who were both unfaithful. He is not going to tell his son (21) and daughter (25) about us just yet. I am uncomfortable telling my parents about him. Everything feels good except that we have to be secretive. Could this work? (Letter revised)

This is unlikely to be the stable, secure, relationship you probably hope for. If “age is just a number,” I must assume the man has also dated women who are eighty-plus-years-old in search of a faithful woman.

Apparently age is not “just a number” when it comes to introducing you to his children.

I’d suggest you terminate this secretive alliance. Find a man both you and your parents will readily embrace. Suggest he seek help to discover his role in choosing to marry two unfaithful women.

I wonder if your suitor would be comfortable were his son dating a fifty-year-old woman.

The age-is-just-a-number line, in his case, is such nonsense – don’t buy it.

July 7, 2006

To improve your most intimate relationship, talk about the following:

by Rod Smith

Give each other several days of notice before you sit down and answer these questions about your relationship.

Make brief notes before you talk. Agree to be completely silent while listening to each person respond to each question.

“Volatile” couples might choose to talk in a crowded restaurant where they are less likely to erupt!

Do not skip questions. Of course, couples without children will ignore the final question:

1. What have you been trying to tell me that I have not been hearing?

2. What am I already doing that you would you like me to do a lot more?

3. What am I doing that you would you like me to do a lot less (or never)?

4. What is important to you, that you might resist telling me, to avoid hurting my feelings? (What have I “trained” you not to talk about?)

5. What can I do to help you use more of your talents and be more fulfilled in life?

6. Is our intimate life (our sex life) all you want it to be?

7. What can I do to improve the quality of our intimate life?

8. In what ways do you think we might hold each other back (keep each other “down”)?

9. How can I be more responsible to you (not responsible “for” you) and responsive to you?

10. How do you think I could be a better parent?

July 5, 2006

A reader writes….

by Rod Smith

Hi Rod:

I read your column (in our morning newspaper) everyday and it’s like you already know me. I have just ended a horrific relationship which ended on a very bad note. I was trapped under his spell for three long, painful years. Lots of crying, and my poor heart was so trodden on. He is an alcoholic and had dangerous temper tantrums including smashing five of my windows in my flat whilst my children were with me. He nearly died with the injuries and as a result has a messed up hand which will haunt him forever.

It was a relationship that we both knew was bad for both of us. We brought out the worst in each other but loved each other to distraction. He proposed last year, I accepted then called it off at the end of January this year. Months went by with him stringing me along – he didn’t know what he wanted, made up all sorts of excuses and I couldn’t take it anymore. He left with his tail between his legs three weeks ago. I changed my cell number and barred him of sending me emails. He is such a coward and could never stand up for anything or make decisions.

Please keep up the encouraging daily tips.

Megan

June 29, 2006

Finding your unique voice in ALL your relationships

by Rod Smith

Every person has a voice that is designed, urging, even aching, for complete use and full expression. Some people have allowed their voices to be stolen, silenced or modified and such people might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. There is nothing “spiritual” or humble about giving up your voice — not even God demands your silence!

Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial and even cruelty. This is as true for individuals as it is of entire populations.

Having a voice means exerting your right to see, evaluate, and express who you are, and what you stand for, without apology. It means speaking up. It means telling the world who you are, and what you want. It involves telling the world who you are not and what you will and will not accept or tolerate. It is allowing your life to speak appropriately and boldly, without explanation or excuse.

When you find your voice, you will not allow people to speak for you, decide for you, and prescribe how you feel, think or see the world. Of course, you in turn will not take the voice of another away from them.

It is not loving to give up your voice, or to allow someone else to take your voice from you. People can hardly handle the power of their own voice, let alone handle the voice of two or three others.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if they say they do. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances (like severe illness), to stop someone from expressing who they are. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world through maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent, and nor were you created to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are, and what you have to say when the authentic voice within you is allowed growth and expression.

Part of owning a voice, and using it well involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice in a manner that facilitates others to hear who and what you are and what you have to say.

Please, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered without a voice for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, marriage or job, worthy of your silence.

There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who and what you are. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness, even when and if it is costly to do so.

Loving, good people will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom and admire your talents. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict or contain it. Live fully, love fully, and speak fully – while embracing all the freedom life offers.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who or what they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love; of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed.

If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence, and make your own dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.

June 29, 2006

The problem with jealousy…

by Rod Smith

Jealousy distorts reality. It becomes a lens through which the victim appears larger, more powerful than they are. If I am jealous, want you only for my own, I will notice everything you do and interpret everything you do and say as if it is connected to what you think and feel about me. I will read meaning never intended by your words or behavior.

The power to choose is essential to love. If removed, love ceases. Jealousy poisons choice and love. It robs a jealous person of the very love they think their jealousy will protect.

Jealousy makes people most unattractive. A jealous person can operate in this manner for so long that jealousy seems essential to their personality. They appear to know no other way to operate.

Unchecked (unmonitored, uncontrolled) jealousy will act as temporary glue, or repel your lover from you, or set you both on a course of anger and resentment. There are no positive rewards except the temporary, illusion of power jealousy offers.

If you think jealousy will keep someone with you, you have failed to see that the very act of ensuring someone be yours forever, is the removal from that person of the very essence of love – freedom to choose.

June 29, 2006

Recovered drunk asks if he owes a woman loyalty……

by Rod Smith

I was a drunkard for years but have been clean for more than five years. In my “stupidity years” I had a very supportive girlfriend. She tolerated everything. I keep asking myself whether I loved her then or was it because she had no problem with my drinking. I’ve met someone I communicate with easily. We are friends more than lovers, which was something that was missing from the other relationship. I feel she is not the right person for me. I feel I am betraying the woman who tolerated me all those years. What do I do? (Letter edited)

Congratulations on your sobriety. Drunks use people. The disease of alcoholism makes people very self-centered and it attracts (cultivates) people who are equally ill who “tolerate everything.” You used this woman. It appears she used you. Although she may deeply love you, toleration is no indication of love.

Tolerating someone because they tolerated you is hardly flattering. One would hope a woman would want more from a relationship than the fulfillment of obligation.

There is no “right” person for you. A healthy relationship will shape both persons into being right (and sometimes “wrong”) for each other. Sobriety means you have stopped drinking but it does not necessarily mean you have stopped using people.

You get to choose what kind of person you will be, and what kind of relationship you want. I hope you, and any woman with whom you share life, will always opt for complete mutuality, deeply shared respect and equality at every level of your sober life together.

June 29, 2006

Long distance romance keeps me at the phone……

by Rod Smith

Q: Regarding long-distance relationships a reader writes: “Does sitting by the phone, waiting for the other person to call, every day, even when they don’t call, mean you are dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship?”

A: Your behavior does not necessarily suggest you are “dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship.” Good friends frequently wait by the phone when they expect a call from someone they love. Wanting information and connection is a deeply human quality and ought not be interpreted in a negative light.

But, continuing to be glued to the phone “to be immobilized” just in case he calls, even when it is not scheduled call, while other tasks, other friendships, other responsibilities are neglected, certainly puts you on the way toward an unhealthy connection.

Does he know you are waiting? If he does, and then still does not call, his behavior is cruel and ought not be tolerated. If a person knows you are waiting, and does not call within reasonable time, I’d suggest you are working harder at the relationship than your counter-part. This, in itself, is a big red flag.

Long-distant relationships are very difficult. Distance (like darkness and disease) amplifies. Issues usually seem more drastic, extreme, urgent, the further apart people are.

June 27, 2006

Girlfriend and wife behavior at parties gets lots a mail…

by Rod Smith

Recent columns about friendliness, interpreted as flirting, have generated a lot of mail. Of course I do not support deception in relationships, and of course, when a partner salaciously fishes for the attention of the opposite sex it can damage the sanctity of a committed relationship.

But open (not covert) friendliness at parties that generates a jealous and anxious response from the partner, suggests deeper problematic issues between the couple, quite apart from the “flirting.”

A person who tries to curtail a significant other’s open friendliness through threats, withdrawal, the angry eye, by driving home in silence or in a rage, has a bigger issue than the one who “flirts.”

Love, aside from being the polar opposite of controlling behavior, resists jealousy. Love refuses to accommodate the demands of the jealous party. No relationship benefits when jealousy gets it nasty way.

I’d suggest women who are openly friendly at parties, who innocently enjoy people, continue to do so. I’d suggest jealous husbands deal with their jealousy without blaming it on the woman.

Then, if a woman is so desperate for male affirmation that she is truly salacious, I’d suggest something more helpful than curtailing her behavior at parties is required if the relationship is to survive.

June 25, 2006

The flirting discussion continues…..

by Rod Smith

A Reader Responds..

“I tell you at the outset I am a female and a lot older than you are. Still married to the one and only man I have ever ‘lived’ with, for over 53 years. My adult children have both been married for over 26 years and they and their respective families are successful and very happy with their lot in life.

“I am truly grateful that they did not read your reply (June 13, 2006) to that unfortunate man who is/was married to that ‘friendly’ flirtatious wife. She surely cannot know what unhappiness she is causing, and perhaps it is high time someone told her. Men and women (most often) flirt for only two reasons. One is to show-off. The other is to spark off with someone else to find a reaction. It is a ploy that is limited only to the unmarried and even then questionable.

“I sincerely hope that the husband concerned in the case you deigned to answer with such insensitivity, has been able to regard your response with the disdain it deserves and that his character and readiness to understand his wife’s stupidity, will help him to come to a truly satisfying and loving marriage situation.” (Letter shortened)