October 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: “I don’t believe my spouse had a sexual affair, but he definitely was too involved with a female coworker. I just found out that they have been talking on the phone for the past 16 months (January 05 to May 06) behind my back. They talked every morning and two and three times every night, and then on weekends. He says they are just friends and they talked about ‘work and general stuff.’ I know everyone he works with, and all his friends. I even know this woman, yet I never heard one conversation they had in those 16 months. He says I need to put it in perspective and move on. He has ended their communications and has apologized for his ‘transgression.’ So yes, I consider myself ‘cheated on.’ If she is such a friend, why isn’t this friendship shared with me and his family like every other friendship we’ve had?”
Rod Responds: Your reasoning is superb, and your question utterly valid. I hope your husband values the treasure he has in you, his wife. Any friendship consuming the time and energy you have described is most certainly not a healthy liaison. That it ever had to be secret is the largest and most glaring red flag.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Space, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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October 4, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My seventeen-year-old stepson is not required to do any work around the house, clean his room, earn money, or go to school when he does not feel like it. He talks to his mother like (she is) a dog and gets into our private business as adults. Several times has sworn (cussed) and shouted at me with no consequences for it. I am supposed to do everything I can for him and yet he treats me with no respect at all. His mother will bend over backwards to do anything for him and I am always (made out to be) the bad guy. I am leaving this relationship.”
Rod Responds: The young man did not get to this point alone. He had at least three adults help (enable) him to become this difficult. It is likely that the viruses that came with the re-marriage (guilt, over-compensation, avoidance, lack of definition, and so forth) remained latent in the early years of the new marriage and while he was younger.
When a person is allowed to violate the boundaries of others, relational diseases grow. When ignored, relationship viruses will multiply, and relationships will reach the state described by the reader. These relationships may be irreconcilable.
Some foresight, planning and clarity, offered by the adults, might have avoided this bitter ending.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships |
1 Comment »
October 2, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader: I have had a breakup with someone who was everything to me. I can hardly sleep. I think of nothing but him. I cry everyday. I don’t want to eat. I am losing weight. I am closing myself off to other people. Can a person survive such heartbreak? (Letter shortened)
Rod Replies: Writing, the very act of getting your words onto a page might be an important first step in re-discovering your life. I’d suggest you keep a journal of your gained strengths and small victories. While the journal might include details of your pain, be careful not to make it the focus of your writing.
May I suggest, as kindly as I know how, that the next time you fall in love, you have enough of a life of your own, so that you will not need to invest yourself quite so completely in another. Not even a spouse ought to be anyone’s “everything.” Making anyone “everything” creates a lot of pressure for even the healthiest of relationships.
While you might not think it to be true, a broken heart can completely heal. Even though, at this early stage of your healing you may feel like hiding from others, I’d suggest you force yourself to re-enter the world through a few trusted relationships.
Posted in Betrayal, Divorce, Love |
3 Comments »
September 29, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: I’m months away from getting married to a man who works and lives in a small town. Over a few months we had problems because wants me to come live with him, and, as much as I’d love to live in with him, I have a job and can’t imagine myself staying at home not working. It would kill me. I do not want to lose being independent and I am scared of depending on him for everything, including money. He has given me an ultimatum before, and since we are so close to getting married, I know that he will make me choose again between the life that I love (working and being financially independent) or staying with him to be a house-wife. I love him but I’m not sure if I can give up everything I am and have, including my happiness, for him. I also think it’s unfair of him to expect me to be the one doing all the sacrificing. Do you think I’m being unfair and unreasonable? (Letter shortened)
Rod Responds: Ultimatums sre not in the language of love. If this man had any sense he’d come running to join the wise woman your letter reveals you to be. Rethink everything. I’d suggest this is probably not a good match!
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Domination |
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September 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Question: I am 74 and my wife is 66. We have been married for over 40 years and have enjoyed our intimate sex life. We have four very successful grown children spread out around the world. My question is at what age does one discontinue sexual intercourse? We still enjoy it.
Rod’s Response: Congratulations. You have achieved something rather rare. Married adults who mutually consent to respectful sexual acts and sexual play, with each other, ought to continue loving each other in this manner for as many years as possible, and as often as possible.
Posted in Meditation, Sex matters, Trust |
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September 26, 2006
by Rod Smith
I get a number of letters each week about stepparenting, gone awry. The theme is usually something like, “the children were wonderful in the beginning,” and, “I am the only father/mother they could trust” and, “now I am being accused of trying to take over,” or “he/she said I am invading his/her boundaries,” and, “this is the last thing I expected from what was a very cute and loving little boy/girl.” Please help.
While such scenarios are hurtful to the well-meaning stepparent, whose honest desire is to love, guide and care for the child who accompanies the new spouse into the new marriage, the potential problems must be seen in a context: the child has emerged from the ruins of something (a broken marriage or relationship of some sort).
The adults in the “new” family constellations must address some matters from the very outset by avoiding the “too-much-too-soon” trap. This is the temptation is to be “larger” to a young child than the length, or depth, of the relationship can realistically allow. (Don’t behave like the relationship is longer or deeper than it actually is).
If you are entering a blended family, do not be “more” to the children, even if they will allow it. Being “more,” “bigger,” “greater,” than a biological parent will almost always come back to haunt the well-meaning “new” mom or dad.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
1 Comment »
September 26, 2006
by Rod Smith
READER: I am 22 and have been chasing the same woman for about three of four months and she seems less interested in me now than when we first met. At first she was friendly but then when I wanted to ask her out she began to ignore me. Her parents are very traditional in their ways. I think she is scared to be associated with me for fear of what her parents will do because I am from a different language group and we have different customs. Can you offer me any advice? (Letter edited)
ROD’S RESPONSE: Customs, language and parents aside, if you pursue someone who has demonstrated no interest in you, and who is “moving away” from you, your efforts will merely serve to push them further away. If there is no natural attraction, friendliness, warmth, evident from her toward you, I’d suggest you widen your lenses, and look beyond this person in pursuit of a mutual, respectful relationship.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction |
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September 25, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: I am in a bad relationship with a man who is trustworthy but I have no ability to trust him. I jump down his throat a lot and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious and accusatory. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change (through therapy) but it’s a process. My upbringing was abusive and I know my damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing this fantastic man who would be a fabulous dad and loyal husband. Being around him makes me face my fears but every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me and he imagines me having his babies. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Your honesty, his patience, and, adhering to the wisdom of your therapist might get you to the “other side” of your current problems. If you really seek to resolve your childhood issues, which are sounding so loudly in your present, be sure your therapist is skilled in “family-of-origin” therapy, so these powerful past experiences can lose their powerful grip upon your present.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Triggers |
1 Comment »
September 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
If one spouse forgives the other for cheating, why does it (always) get brought up in conversations long after the cheating has ended and after the forgiveness has been granted? (Question asked “online”)
Here are four, of many, reasons:
1. Sexual infidelity severely wounds people (all people involved) and relationships on many levels. Its power to shake life ought never be underestimated. Betrayal cuts a deep wound and often dislodges the capacity for future trust. (This is for the victims and the perpetrators!)
2. Because of the intense intimacy that can accompany the sex act, the betrayed spouse might go on a quest to know if the “stolen sex” led his or her partner into deeper levels of intimacy than were achieved within the marriage.
3. The forgiver will probably interpret silence (or anger, or even “over” focus) as an indication the affair did not really cease, or that it has been re-ignited.
4. Talking can connect people, and it can (but does not always) offer hurt people a sense of legitimate control and order. People who have been betrayed often want to talk about their experience (hurt, pain) as an attempt to stop their lives from (the feeling of) running totally out of control.
Men and women who have participated in infidelity, and who yet have a forgiving spouse who is willing to work on the marriage, are encouraged to talk openly about anything the forgiving spouse may want talk about. There are some necessary limits to this which I will go into in another posting.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Forgiveness, Listening, Marriage, Voice |
9 Comments »
September 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
..reading to him while he is an infant, with him while he is a child, and alongside him when he is in his early teens.
..leaving as much of his school work and associated responsibilities up to him as early as possible.
..believing in his teachers, and in their capacity to inspire him to achieve worthwhile goals.
..refusing to compare a his academic or sporting achievements with anyone but with his own past achievements.
…reminding him he is 100% responsible for 100% of his behavior and his attitude at school, home, and everywhere he goes.
..keeping a shared, handwritten journal where you alternate entries with your son about anything affirming you’d both like to say about anything.
..encouraging as little exposure to TV in your home as possible.
..welcoming, enjoying, and offering and serving meals to his friends as often as possible.
…coming to peace with your own unresolved conflicts lest you burden the next generation with all you ignored or refused to resolve.
(Of course, while written using “he” and “him,” each point applies as much to daughters).
Posted in Blended families, Children, Communication, Education, Teenagers, Voice |
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