June 17, 2008
by Rod Smith
A READER WRITES….
Thanks for writing...
“I’ve just ended a 6 year affair with a married man. I lost my husband tragically the year before I met ‘V’. He befriended me and made me feel ‘whole’ again and about 6 months down the line, the affair started. I’m very angry because he lied to me all these years – there were signs of his infidelity towards me but I was so in love with him that I saw past the lies. In the beginning we had such fun, had so much to talk about, the sex was unbelievable and after a while, we became soul-mates.
“The world couldn’t have been a better place. I was so in love with him and seemingly he was with me. He told me he never slept with his wife, that she was not ‘interested’ and in the last year, he told me that they had separated when he bought her a home at the coast. This was a good sign, I thought, and he would be on his way to divorce his wife finally.
“My pain and hurt of being betrayed and used all these years. I’m very angry with him because when it came to the crunch, when I kept on confronting him about the divorce, he kept on telling me he was on the verge of doing it. I finally ended it last week – I’m devastated but I know I did the right thing. All those years of waiting for a text message or a phone call or a visit from him – all those Saturday nights, Christmases and special holidays sitting at home tormenting myself because he was at home with his wife and family. He was a good liar – convinced me of so many things, made promises every day, told me he loved me every day of the 6 years I was in the relationship with him.
“I phoned his wife eventually and told her – she was shocked to hear that her hubby would even be capable of having an affair and then I realised that all he had told me was in fact a huge lie. If I could give anyone any advice, is stay away from married men – it only leads to huge pain for everyone involved. Whilst you are in the middle of the affair, it’s seems too good to be true, and that’s because it is! I’m very sad about the loss of a love that I had – I was in love with someone who turned out to be a charlatan, a deceitful, compulsive liar. I’m going to get back on my feet and start to live my life, stop wasting my precious hours and days crying over a man who has hurt me so much.”
Posted in Affairs, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
80 Comments »
June 16, 2008
by Rod Smith
“In January my husband changed. I thought it was work stress. I noticed a text saved but not sent, ‘by the way you looked good today.’ I was crying all the time and could not let things go. He was away over Easter with work. I noticed on his bank statement a small amount of money being taken out. He confessed she (a colleague) had stayed in the same hotel for 4 days as the trains in London we unreliable. I can’t sleep. I don’t trust him. I ask him to leave then I back track. He is getting angry that he made a mistake by not telling me she was staying over to protect me. He admitted they had ‘business lunches.’ I picked him up from the airport and I could smell perfume. It turns out they had hugged. It has been weeks now and still I am not sleeping, eating and am always looking and digging. I not know what direction to turn.” (Edited)
You have to get yourself in better shape to handle this. His actions have put you out of action since January. Rise up! Gather your internal resources. Stop searching, smelling, and playing detective. However this ends (or is reborn) it will go nowhere while his behavior so cripples you!
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
June 12, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I am married and have a situation at work. A colleague, who works directly for me, is friendly with me and she keeps saying that does not want to be intimate but shows me many signs like allowing me to see the color of her underwear. She says she needs a hug and frequently and lets me put my hands in her pants in the back only. She is also married. Please help.”
As you are in a supervisory position, you carry the greater responsibility. If this ridiculously immature and hurtful behavior is exposed, she will likely cry victim. You, as the one higher up the company hierarchy, will be held responsible, even if it is behavior initiated by the woman.
Work aside, you stand to lose all you have with your wife and your children in exchange for something so shallow and meaningless.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
1 Comment »
June 12, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My husband of 28 years retired in 2003. After a trip to help my parents I got back to a vacant eyed alien who wouldn’t let me sleep in my own bed. ‘I love you but I am not in love with you,’ he said. We attended ‘his’ mediation sessions because he didn’t like ‘my’ counselors. He set me up masterfully. Making me think he was working on the relationship while seeing lawyers. Asking me on dates while arranging with his ‘friend’ to move in. Telling me he would always take care of me when he could care less about my health. I gave up my career to follow him around the world. We had 15 moves in 25 years. My son attended 8 different schools. I am used up. I have back problems and bad knees because of course he was never around when it was time to move. I’m 55, too old to sing and dance and he throws me away. He’s a big-shot pundit on TV now but he is just like every other unimaginative man when it comes to dumping his wife. ‘I love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore.’” (Edited to 200 words)
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
1 Comment »
June 11, 2008
by Rod Smith
We are “just friends” is often the defense used by men and woman who are on the verge of an affair, or at least a liaison that will be hurtful to a spouse. We “just work together,” says the woman to her husband about a co-worker who gets all of her attention even on weekends. “She’s just work-friend,” says the man to his wife regarding the woman who sends him text messages every day.
You are not “just friends” if:
1. You spend more time and energy with this person than you do with other friends.
2. You share conversations at a more intimate level with this person than you do with your spouse.
3. You spend more time and energy thinking of this person and his or her problems than you do the issues you face with your own family,
4. You exclude other friends, or cannot invite your spouse to join you to also be “just friends” with this person.
5. Any part of being “just friends” requires secrecy or deception (like hiding sms messages, having secret cell phones or cell phone numbers, hiding letters, the need to delete emails, or needing to leave the room to talk).
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
2 Comments »
June 10, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. Your family and friends sit around the dinner table and tell stories you’ve been telling each other for decades.
2. You still talk with your spouse after having raised at least one child together.
3. You are friends with your parents despite their peculiar ways.
4. Your teenage son talks with you, and he wants you to meet his girlfriend.
5. Your teenage daughter brags about you to her friends.
6. You have had the joy of knowing your grandparents and your grandchildren.
7. You are able to have civil conversations with a former spouse.
8. You have learned that deciding to love someone who has hurt you offers you a greater challenge than harboring resentment.
9. You have benefited from the adage “Least said soonest mended.”
10. You know how to speak up for yourself.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
3 Comments »
June 9, 2008
by Rod Smith
A dad writes…
“I am fortunate enough to have shared care of my two children (5 and 7). They are with me half of each week and half of all holidays. As the children are with both parents a good deal of the time, they feel at home in both houses and have friends at both locations. My ex-wife and I live 5 minutes drive from each other. We do not get along.
“I don’t like the arrangements of 'visits' to the dad every second weekend. In every case I have seen the child ends up seeing the fortnightly visit as a boring inconvenience. The visits are nothing more than a visit. The “visit” parent does not get to share and bond with the child as does the “main” caregiver. All the child’s friends are at the other parent’s place. These arrangements also become a trial for the parent who has the child every second weekend and do not promote a healthy loving relationship with both parents and the child often views the other parent as an inconvenience.
“I live 12,000 miles from the rest of my family so my children can have a dad. I am making the most of what I have to work with in regards to location and work opportunities.” (Edited for space)
Neil / Australia
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
2 Comments »
June 7, 2008
by Rod Smith
“People often feel it’s acceptable for men and women to develop platonic, non-romantic, non-sexual relationships with people they are attracted to as a friend. I’m not saying that having a friend of the opposite sex is wrong, but it can be dangerous. We are creatures of nature and run toward those who bring us comfort, joy, love and satisfaction. I’ve seen all to often where a wife will slip out on her husband and he would never know. My neighbor’s wife, a beautiful woman had everything going for her, but she would always make these advances toward me, and was serious about them. Had I not been married and if I did not have spiritual values I would have given in because ultimately that is human nature. I would see her with him, she would be a different person rarely speaking to me, When he’s away she’s a flirt without letup.”
You have not “given in” to the advances of your neighbor because you have a clear understanding of who you. Your neighbor’s confusion doesn’t rub off on you. Your strong boundaries have saved you from unnecessary, and inevitably painful, conflict.
Posted in Voice |
1 Comment »
June 5, 2008
by Rod Smith
When a friendship is not going well, and a good discussion and reconciliation is necessary, passive-aggressive behavior can seep into a relationship. It is not always easy to identify. Here are some indicators. Find the behavior in yourself before you go looking for it in others…
1. You are spending less time with someone who is important to you without admitting that there is something wrong, or while openly suggesting that everything is all right.
2. You are using double-edged comments to or about this person. On the surface you appear to be giving a compliment while you are really delivering a jab or an insult.
3. You speak ill of this friend to a third party, or you speak only in glowing terms about him or her, in order to give others the impression that nothing has changed.
4. You find yourself over-committing to work or social events to make less time available to see this friend.
5. You are deliberately doing what you know this friend does not like (smoking in his or her company, arriving late, becoming uncharacteristically elusive).
6. You just happen to leave him or her off your invitation list.
7. Your head is full of what you think he or she has done, or not done, to you, and resentment and bitterness creeps into your thinking.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
Leave a Comment »
June 4, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I want to tell people that I married a very jealous person. Jealousy does not get better with age. I thought when I dated him he would get better once we were married because then he’ll know I’m truly committed. It didn’t. I thought it would get better when I had his children because surely he would then understand my commitment to him and the children. It didn’t. I thought if we could see a therapist it would get better. It didn’t. I divorced him 12 years into the marriage. Until a jealous person sees the problem and wants to change, your life will not get better with him in it.”
Thanks for your powerful testimony. Jealousy is NEVER an indication of love. Because feelings of love can be so overwhelming, a victim of another’s jealousy can feel inordinately empowered to live with or to accommodate jealousy within a relationship.
Jealousy is an individual matter, and, until he or she who has the problem is willing to face it (and it is usually a matter of control), neither person in the relationship will be free to give or receive all the potential a loving relationship can offer.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
difficultrelationships.com 