“I read with interest about the woman subjected to her husband’s rage and her subsequent lack of emotion and passion. I lived with this for many years believing I was to blame. Each time more of my emotions died until there was nothing left.  Not only did I have his anger outbursts, I was also not allowed to cry because that was considered manipulation. I believe that this is an addiction as my husband seems to need to do it every 10 days and will vent on whoever is handy and is in a weaker position than he is.  Sometimes it is so bad that several people get to feel his anger. I have since told him that his anger is his problem and has nothing to do with me.  I also manage most times to not react when he is having one of his tantrums and just let the anger run its course. I have also learned to not listen to the abuse about how useless I am. I have worked very hard on trying to live my life as best I can and to do things that make me happy and live in hope that one day my emotions and passions will be reignited.” (Edited)

“My husband and I argue and fight a lot. Our fights become physical and we hit each other. We live with his mother and there’s tension between us. I know I need to move out. We have a young son who watches us fight. He screams when he sees it. I don’t want my son exposed to this sort of behavior. I get so easily annoyed with his family as I feel that I don’t have the privacy that I need or the freedom to be myself. I cannot call the house my home. We argue over our families as we constantly try to find fault. When we fight he swears at me and calls me cruel names. I can’t stand that so I swear him back. I was never this kind of person. I feel he takes advantage of me. Our fights go on for hours.”

Your son needs you to grow up. You are parents – not disturbed adolescents. Many multiple-generation homes are wonderfully successful – examine what is it about you (not your husband or his mother) that you cannot find comfortable compromises. A healthy peace will never prevail while you are so focused on the faults of others, while you are hitting each other, while you are spoiled children in adult roles.

“A challenge in my marriage is my husband’s inability to control his emotions. When we have a disagreement he’s verbally abusive and trashes my family and my intelligence. It’s justified as he regards my opposition to his opinions as personal attacks. I am hurt by this verbal abuse. This problem is corrosive to intimacy. The verbal abuse makes me withdraw my affection. He doesn’t make the connection and blames me for only wanting sex once a week.”

If he can't control his tongue....

I hope you (and every reader) never participate in sexual behavior you yourself do not want.

Respect the natural self-protection mechanisms within you. These are powerful early waning systems to warn you about physically harmful situations. A man who can verbally beat you up is but a moment away from other forms of violence. Why ought he be any better at controlling his fists when he can’t control his tongue?

Your husband’s foul mouth toward you is his responsibility and his issue. Don’t take any blame for it. He’s got to get the help he needs and, while you take any responsibility for it, he will not. Nothing you do causes him to lash out and nothing you do will stop him.

Intimacy is hard to find

Intimacy occurs when I let you into my head, heart, and reality – without fearing that you will disapprove of what you see. I let you in, and my hope is that you will love me and accept me. I don’t want you to rummage around, judge my thoughts, or be startled. I don’t want you to rearrange the furniture or paint the walls. We discover intimacy when you enter my world and you behave a valued, respectful guest. You are a guest, not a consultant or an interior decorator or a demolition expert. I want you to know me so you can treasure me and understand me and enjoy me – so don’t try to change or fix me.

Authentic Intimacy (there’s no other kind) is not easy. You have to know yourself really well, possess a high degree of self-acceptance and self-love. In the event you do not love and accept yourself, the moment you enter my world, the experience will be so unsettling for you that you will either take an emotional hike or you’ll feel like you have to be a missionary or nurse and fix whatever I show you.

A dad writes….

“Perhaps the thing that surprises me most, among many things that do, about being a dad, is the fact that when my children suffer or are in trouble, it affects me physically. I feel literally ill when my children are ill. I feel pain and distress when my children are discontent. It gets me in the gut in a way I never dreamed possible. It can almost ruin my day just to know one of them is upset. Now you might think I have no boundaries or that I am enmeshed with my children but I would not agree. My children and I are very separate in some ways and very close in other ways. I have a very full life apart from them – so I think I have good boundaries. Yet, we are connected. It is uncanny. I can look at my children and tell you what mood they are in and they can almost do the same with me. I have to work very hard at not letting everything that hurts them make me jump to their rescue. I am embarrassed to say that sometimes I need a break from my children. It’s not that I don’t love them, it is that everything is often so intense.”

“My boss is a married with grown-up children. He told me he is very bored with his marriage. He is interested in me. He told me he needs my help on a business trip next month. What do I tell my husband? I am nervous. I know he has had flings before with women in the office. One older woman told me how he operates. If I don’t cooperate I could lose my job. I’m new and I need the work. He’s the owner of the business.”

Define yourself early

Tell your husband about every off-limit employer-employee interaction.

Keep good notes and track, with date, time, and details, every interaction where the conversation goes beyond the realm of work. Such a log will be helpful to show patterns of interactions and assist you to remain objective about what is going on.

When your boss tells you about his marriage counter with, “I don’t know how you will manage your boring marriage but that is really none of my business. I’d like to keep it that way.”

Abusive men usually retreat from strong women, especially if they stand up to them at the first smell of a rat.

Bravely begin claiming back your life

I’m going to.

I am going to because the alternative is vastly unattractive.

I’m going to put my talents to work, talent that God has placed within me (I believe we each have 7) as an expression of my gratitude.

Join me. Please. Begin by exercising grace (the desire I believe we all have to be an agents of goodwill) to all whom you encounter.

And as we do so may the writers write, the dancers dance, the artist paint and create, and the musicians sing and play at full volume until the world is gleaming with added beauty, joy, and goodness until the music can be widely heard.

Treat your friends and enemies with generosity and humor. Thank those who despise you for their power to transform you into something more beautiful than you already are, and lift your heart to neighbors and friends to express the joy and the thrill of what it means to be fully alive.

Please drop me a note about an act of LEADERSHIP you have witnessed that has demonstrated a leader’s knowledge of this fine art.

(I’ve used “he” simply for easier reading)

1. He has finely developed self-knowledge – he knows his talents and uses them well.
2. He has a high degree of self-awareness – he knows the power he has to impact the lives of others and governs that power with deep respect.
3. He can listen to others without needing to interject his insight, interrupt with his own stories, or follow up with something bigger, better, faster, or more dramatic.
4. He openly admits that he avoids getting involved in areas where he is unskilled and lacking in talent.
5. He makes way for others to get ahead in their careers and for others to be acknowledged.
6. He doesn’t use his insights as a weapon or as a means of manipulation, domination, or intimidation.
7. He is quick to forgive and often does so without needing to be asked.
8. He engages in radical hospitality and commits act of extreme generosity.
9. He focuses on his strengths and fully accepts his weaknesses.