“My stepfather has become increasing verbally abusive to my mother, who only tries to please him. He has always had a reactive streak in him, and calmed down a few years ago, but with the increase of success within his business he has become far worse than I ever remember. I often overhear screaming fights where he lashes out at her, and tells her she is an idiot, has the brain capacity of a gnat and how he is the best she will ever find. When it comes to affection, he only shows me anything when there are other people around, and I have come to the realization that he does it purely as a front. He often states how much people admire him for taking on a family but with his character I doubt he would have a family without us. He emotionally abused my brother so much that he eventually left to live overseas to gain some peace and perspective. I am studying so listening to their fights is part of the package.” (Edited)

Abusive behavior will prevail and grow only if accommodated. Your stepfather has no incentive to change while his behavior is tolerated. You are an adult: remove yourself from his environment and hope your mother does the same.

1. To travel widely at home and abroad.
2. To ride a horse at full gallop.
3. To write a book.
4. To give away one full salary check at least once a year.
5. To forgive those who have offended, hurt, or damaged you.
6. To live intentionally in a community of family and friends.
7. To tutor a child who is struggling at school.
8. To affirm and thank those who have challenged you to live a life of integrity.
9. To be an agent of grace and healing for those who are suffering.
10. To identify each of your five to seven areas of gifting and deploy each one to its full capacity.

“I have a married son and a young grandson. From four months the baby was left with his maternal grandmother for daycare. I am totally against that he is not in a crèche. I believe that the crèche is the correct place. I have spoken to my son on several occasions in vain. My son and wife always know better how to raise him. I made a decision to back off and decided I would shower my love on this child when he is with me. My son and wife must lead their own lives and make their own decisions. I grab the child at every opportunity to give him my undivided attention. Almost everyday I take a walk and we spend a few minutes together. I feel that’s enough cause he needs to be with his parents. Recently my son mentioned he would like to us to behave more like grandparents. This broke my heart. Please help me understand my son and his wife. I feel they don’t know what they want or are just selfish.” (Edited)

Relax. Resist all impulse to correct, control, and direct the actions of your son and his family. As you are doing, enjoy the child. Your son will grow up – your grandson will insist upon it.

“My wife’s mother is a stay-at-home wife while my mother has a full time job. To save us money we drop our baby (almost 6 months) off with my mother two days a week. My mother-in-law loves this arrangement. My mother, at first, got all worried that our child would not know her as well as she knew her other granny, and so we made a point of dropping our daughter with her most Saturday afternoons even when it wasn’t always convenient. It feels like we are trying to do an equal time deal so we don’t offend anyone. Please comment.”

You know your mother: talk directly with her about what you perceive is happening. Lovingly, kindly addressing your mother about this wonderful “problem” will be good preparation for the many challenging conversations any parent will surely have during the joyful twenty or so years of rearing a child.

Your baby is not a pawn in a game of granny chess. Do what is right for you, for the baby, and for your respective mothers – all at once! Be clear and compassionate with both grannies regarding what you need from each, without confusing the needs of the baby with the needs of the grandmothers.

“You asked about feeling trapped. There are many mothers-in-law who are rejected by daughters-in-law. At first I took the rejection personally and my confidence was shattered. I have since met and heard of many women in my situation. There is something in the psyche of (some) women that causes them to reject her husband’s mother. It has been excruciatingly painful for me but I have no option but to cope. I miss the children more then words can describe. I have been completely excluded from their lives. My son has been forced to be a stranger to me. We were close all his life till the baby was born.” (Shortened)

“I am married to an alcoholic.  He is two different people. The one I love. I have at last come to the conclusion that I can no longer live with the other. I have tried everything over years only to finally understand that only he can save himself. My saving grace is ALANON.  After two years and only now have acceptance that I can’t help my husband. It has been a difficult road especially since we have had many amazing times together when he has been sober.  But it never lasts.” (Minimal edits)

1. The most important thing for me is to have a few trusted friends to confide in when things are going wrong. These are friends who listen and are supportive. They don’t try to influence my decisions. Good friends offer the right kind of sympathy and are non-judgmental. Platitudes do not help. Having read all the books and sought professional assistance, I realise that every case is different and there is no “one shoe that fits all.”

2. I keep my social life going; getting out and about when possible.

3. I read a good book when I can’t sleep.

4. I write e-mails to my really good friends who have emigrated.

5. I remind myself who I am and that I am in no way responsible for what is happening.

6. I look for opportunities to show my love to my spouse in the belief that love will conquer all.

7. I understanding the disease is largely beyond his control and when he reaches out for help I can be there to give it.

8. I reach out to God in the depths of my despair and feel his comforting arms around me.

(Edited)

“My second marriage became beyond repair and now I am beyond crying and being hurt anymore. I have no need to seek revenge or harbour resentment. Life is life. Those feelings take up too much energy. Moving forward alone did not seem to be a necessity. I thought I could live alongside my husband amicably because my feelings for him were purely as a friend. I no longer had expectations so I could no longer get hurt. With young children and having done the divorce route on a prior occasion I knew what was ahead.

“This has led to a very lonely marriage. The question ‘How do you cope?’ made me think very hard about my life. I enlarged my circle of ‘girl friends’ and we spend what time we can together, we laugh, talk, share, and move on lighter for the experience. They have kept my feet on the ground and always encouraged me to be the most I can be. I spend quality time with my children. I have embarked on my Spiritual Path. I close my front door at night and am once again alone. I know I have to step out of my comfort zone and, use ‘hindsight’ as a guide to move forward successfully.” (Edited)

Four scenarios – let me know how you thrive in tough circumstances….

1. It’s one thing to be single and lonely – there’s at least some expectation that if someone is alone he or she might occasionally feel it. But to be married and be lonely must surely come with unimaginable pain. If this is you, please let me know your coping strategies. Place “loneliness” in the Email heading.
2. Feeling caught or trapped in the middle of any relationship triangle can grind a person down. If it’s you, your children, and their other parent, or you, your parents and your spouse, or your boss and the other employees, whatever the trap let me know how you nonetheless cope. Please place “feeling trapped” in the heading.
3. If you are the sober party in relationship dominated by addictions, let me know how you cope. What specific strategies do you have to keep yourself functioning in a place of stress and pain? Please put “living with addictions” in your heading.
4. Some people always think they love others more than others love them. They initiate everything and end up feeling that if they did not initiate things there’d be no relationship. If this is you, please let me know how you cope. Place “initiator” in the heading.

Hi Rod

My name is Tanja, I am 38 years old and I am an abused woman.  I live in Amanzimtoti. I have a 19 year old daughter.

I too know what it is like to be verbally, mentally and physically abused by my husband.  I was always the one in the wrong and was blamed for everything that went wrong. His rage was scary, I used to cower in fear of him.

Eventually I felt so worthless I started to drink myself to death.  My daughter had to put up with this for many years until she started getting the abuse alongside me, but I still did not leave.  I came to believe that this was what I was meant to be going through and that there was no better life for me.  I just sunk into depression and kept drinking.  When I was drunk I would wake up the next morning and not remember all the horrible things he said and I would just hide all the bruises and pretend all was fine.

One night I woke up and my husband with beating her up and I took a knife and stabbed him to protect her.  I was the one who was almost arrested for attempted murder and all I was doing was protecting my daughter.

This time I got out, it was hell in the beginning because all I knew about myself was that I was “fat and ugly”, a useless piece of white skin, a waste of time.  I could go on for hours and use cruder words but my life was a living hell. I carried on drinking and I made my life hell.

Lucky for me he found a girlfriend, even though I still thought I could not be able to live without him and that I loved him so much.  I eventually went to rehab and dried out.  In those 3 weeks, being taken out of society I had the time to focus on me.  What did I want?  The answer, easy; “ I just want to be happy”.  I have been sober for 14 months now and my daughter has stood by me the whole way.

On the 5 March this year my divorce went through.  On 19 March my husband beat his girlfriend to death and on 1 April he hanged himself whilst in custody.

My message to all who are enduring the same suffering that I did.  GET OUT NOW!  You can do it, I promise, no it won’t be easy but at the end of the day you will have your dignity back and realize that you are a wonderful person and that a lot of people love you and want to help you, let them.

I am a lot stronger mentally but sometimes the horrible names and words come back to me. But I keep reminding myself that I am ME and I am OK.

Note: This letter has been shortened as I would take me a day to type up everything he did to me.

Thanks so much.

Kind regards,

Tanja