• Maintaining the capacity to remain above the fray that exists in every dynamic (changing, growing, “alive”) organization without being disconnected from it. Some leaders are so immersed in the day-to-day fray of their enterprises that it sucks them in and drains them of the capacity to lead. Others are so above the fray that their apparent aloofness reduces their credibility among those whom they lead.
• Maintaining the capacity to understand that it is next to impossible to separate home and work and work from home. The unresolved issues and conflicts existing in each will drive or shape both worlds weather the leader likes it or not. To understand this means to acknowledge it rather than to deny it. What leaders deny and hide will show up in unexpected and usually unhelpful ways.
• Maintaining the capacity to live in the present and influence the future while being influenced or even, in some cases, haunted by the past. Family-of-origin issues, childhood issues, traumas or loss or unresolved grief never fully depart anyone. Their volume and power to influence is increased when an adult is given authority and responsibility. The authoritarian leader, the avoidant leader, the arrogant leader has these characteristics lurking within long before adulthood.    

The Mercury / Wednesday 
Subtle (and gross) but very common attempts at control…

• Backseat driving – my way is the best way, no one knows the city like I do and you’re not as safe a driver as I am.

• Reframing reality – you don’t really feel lonely, you are not unhappy, you’re not hungry since you have just eaten.

• Withholding attention or affection – I am going to wait and see how you respond or how long it takes for you to beg for my attention.

• You MUST understand my point of view – I will not tolerate disagreement and we cannot be in a relationship unless we are of one (my) mind.

The counter offer of freedom and respect:

• As the passenger on your car I trust you completely – there are many ways to reach a destination

• Affirming your reality – I understand that we are completely separate people with unique experiences and interpretations of almost everything.

• Offering support and affection appropriate to the relationship – I am here when you need me; my attention and affection is what I freely offer.

• Your point of view may be different from mine – there is enough room in the world for us to think and believe differently, and remain friends.

“Spoiling a child” is more than giving him whatever he wants and creating unreasonable expectation of how the rest of life works. 
Such children often grow up to be self-centered, demanding adults, but humans, even those who have not been “spoiled” seem endowed with a natural propensity toward this anyway.

The real terror of spoiling a child is that he grows up without having had to develop innate skills and abilities to cope with adversity, because one or both parents (or teachers and coaches) refuse to allow natural consequences following the child’s choices to occur. 

Such parents (and others) constantly interject themselves as buffers between the child and what the world will naturally deliver. 

“They (indulgent parents) spend huge amounts of time and energy trying to separate cause and effect, behavior and consequence,” a high school football coach observed recently.

Pain is a wonderful teacher and motivator. It develops character and promotes the development of crucial survival skills. While no loving parent wants his or her child to be deliberately subjected to pain, there are enough natural moments in any childhood where “clean” pain comes to teach, and the wise parent gets out of the way and allows it to do its necessary work.

Trust is an individual pursuit. A trusted friend is a great find. The journey begins with being trustworthy. Remain aware that some people cannot be trusted and that there will always be people whom you will decide not to fully trust. Be appropriately careful with your trust. This is not living with suspicion but rather living with good boundaries and self-awareness.

Here are some pointers toward recognizing trustworthiness:

• He can be trusted with information; however, he does not pry.
• He is usually as willing to speak about his own life as he is to hear about your life. (Professional therapy excluded).
• She does not need access to the details of your life and is quite comfortable if you say that you are not ready to talk about She is helpful, when you have requested her insight, but resists.
• She has a diverse, enduring circle of friends.
• She does not abdicate responsibility for her life, even in the
• He displays growing integrity at every level of his life.
• He does not persistently attempt to be “one up” with stories or jokes or make himself the focus of every conversation.
• She has developed a good sense of humor about herself.
• She does not offer unsolicited guidance or insight.
• She is highly respectful of people under every circumstance.
• He can track the development in a conversation, respond and develop themes of thought rather than appear to have his mind made up.

High maintenance people require constant attention and approval. They crave to be the center of almost every conversation and will often become symptomatic (moody, resentful, loud, threatening) when they are not. They analyze every move, thought, word and action of others, and then read more meaning into things (statements, looks, sighs, attitudes) than was ever intended. They are easily hurt, quickly offended, quick to rebuke when they do not get the kind of attention they think they deserve. Threats of withdrawal or desertion become a way of life.

High maintenance people are difficult, sometimes impossible, even in the most relaxed of circumstances. They pick fights, find fault, and personalize almost everything. They argue with people who are closest to them for no apparent reason. They often pick on strangers (waiters, helpers). They often live in a world of cut-off relationships where others are idiots and no one understands.

What can you do if you are in a relationship with a high maintenance person? You can do very little that will not hurt, offend, or get a reaction – but you must make a stand. High maintenance people seldom benefit from pity or patience or empathy. They will only benefit from being constantly challenged to grow up.

I see a lot of over-mothering – mothers who willingly, sometimes compulsively, offer their lives for babies and children. Mothering so overcomes them that there is no room for anyone or anything else.

Themselves included.

And, it’s fully understandable. The much anticipated (or unanticipated) baby arrives and changes everything.

Babies are very powerful. They deliver many a parent into a promised land of new meaning and purpose.

The power, I have often thought, is inversely proportional to their size – the gravitational pull of Earth on a mother, at a time she is so honestly and purely vulnerable. And, of course, if her life is already subject to pain (and who’s life is not?) she is all the more vulnerable to “solving” her incompleteness in the baby.

Sadly, while the baby restores meaning, purpose, and hope, the child was never deigned to BE (to embody) Purpose, Meaning, and Hope (that’s reserved for Another Baby).

As inviting, seductive, and honorable as it may appear, losing our lives for our children serves no one anything worth having, especially, and with glaring irony, the very children whom we love.

Children were never capable of handling worship and they don’t respond to it very well.

I am, I believe, uniquely (but not singularly) positioned to see this. I am not, of course, a mother, but I come pretty close. I have had the joy of the solo adoption of two babies from birth.

I know, I know, before you fire off angry letters, it is not the same.

My first son’s mother approached me to adopt her unborn son, and my second son came to me in an equally unusual manner. Remarkable women, in my book, women who both carefully calculated that their sons would have something from me that neither could see themselves offering.

My sons are now 19 and 14 and have been with me from hour 1 (I was at his birth as the labor coach) and day eight respectively. Being a solo dad in a bi-racial family in the Mid-west of the USA has held more than a few surprises.

At the news I would adopt, people warned me about the dumbest things: nappies (diapers), three-hour feeding routines, and sleepless nights. They warned me about how my life would change as if children are only an inconvenience. I was informed, on more than a few occasions that my sons are black – as if it were something of which I was thoroughly unaware.

But, no one, absolutely no one warned me that the babies would enter my life and take it, yes, take it from me.

No one warned me about the power of love.

No one warned me that I’d rush to protect my sons when protecting them was, in that instance, not in their highest interest.

No one said that if I was not intentional about maintaining a life of my own I’d dissolve into my sons’ lives.

Yes, Over-Mother. I think I do understand. I think I do understand that you love your child more than your own life. That’s clear. It is my impulse, too. I struggle with this day in and day out.

But, if we really want to empower our sons and daughters, we’d better ourselves live and love as fully now as we hope they will fully love and fully live one day. How else will they learn?