The Mercury – Wednesday

I am thoroughly convinced that there are always good reasons to have hope.

No matter how dire or conflicted the circumstance, no matter how bleak the prognosis, while there is life, and even beyond it, there remain reasons to be hopeful.

I’ve seen hope in action.

I’ve seen painful family scenarios, the most estranged of siblings, the most obstinate of personalities, turn, and find previously unimagined degrees of humility, and move in healthier directions.

But, evil abounds. It tries to rob us of hope.

Of course men and women are capable of inflicting much hurt and destruction, but I believe that the good in this world by far outweighs the evil.

There is goodness, kindness, and benevolence latent in every man, woman, and child, and I believe it far exceeds any impulse toward hate and destruction.

And while I am well aware that this idea will be considered absurd in some circles, and heresy in others, I’d suggest that when a lonely woman reaches again for alcohol, or the deprived man engages in illicit behavior, or an adult or teenager self-destructs, these behaviors are desperate acts of prayer, desperate attempts at sanity, desperate attempts to relieve pain and even restore hope.

“I read your article to the lady who moved to be close to her mom and it struck a chord about taking on a role that is not yours to take on.

“In 1967 I was 12-years-old and my mom died of cancer. For the next three years I was a complete emotional crutch for my Dad. He battled to cope and I had to go everywhere with him. Every week we went to put flowers on the grave. I struggled to make friends and spent school holidays completely on my own all day. So, I actually completely missed the teenage fun years and the social interaction with my peers. When I was 16 he remarried but actually got angry because I preferred going to parties with friends and girls than helping him rebuild a car.”

Tony – Durban

“Thank you so much for your response to the letter about the mother. The relationship I have with mother is not healthy, she want to be a priority in my life over my children. Your response made it clear for me to understand what is happening and how to handle it by understanding my position and align my priorities in the right order. Thank you again, your column help a lot of people like me who need spiritual help in silence.”

Anon by request

• You have taken on a role that’s not yours to take on. This is one of the reasons you will often read that people should resist making big decisions after a traumatic experience. You can comfort and support and love your mother without having to live near her or become her companion. Try to avoid caring too much. Yes, it is possible. You are “caring too much” if your caring for someone else consumes you.

• Your son, and not your mother, is your primary commitment. You will be better equipped to love and care for your mother when you re-align your priorities. It’s care first for yourself, then for your son, then for you mother. If you don’t take appropriate care of yourself you will not be able to care for anyone.  While you are attempting to rescue your mother you will be unable to care for your son in a healthy manner.

• Your mother (and you) will take years to be fully functional again. The ending of a fifty-year marriage will require much grief and understanding among all the members of your family. It is not surprising there are some boundary confusions at this stage of her journey. Adjust them now before they become even more entrenched and solidified

The Mercury – Thursday

Essential equipment for adulthood

A humble heart. A playful spirit. An eye for beauty. An affirming vocabulary.

A thoughtful mind, an assertive voice, and a strong backbone – and the willingness to use them.

A role in a family – and the willingness to embrace it. A place in a community – and the willingness to exercise it.

A supply of “thank you” cards, a fine pen, a supply of postage stamps – and the willingness to use them.

Punctuality. Trustworthiness. Respect for others.

An ability to discern and appreciate the impact our lives have on each other and the willingness to make repair when repair is necessary.

The capacity to think ahead, remember the past, and yet also enjoy the present.

The capacity to forgive and to forget when forgetting is helpful and to forgive and remember when remembering is necessary.

The capacity to be clear with others and yet to know what can remain unsaid.

The capacity to know what battles to embrace and which to ignore.

Note to self: the best time to begin a journey of no regrets is today, right now, this very minute. Please join me in meeting the following challenges:

• Contact that estranged relative. Begin a process of mending and healing. Do so while first protecting the integrity of your immediate family and taking care of your primary responsibilities.

• Establish firm boundaries with everyone you know, from the most casual of acquaintances to the most intimate of companions.

• Do what you can to right your known wrongs. Also, acknowledge that some errors of judgment and lapses of integrity are, with the passage of time, beyond your power to redeem. Sometimes, all you can do is sincerely apologize and not repeat the same errors.

• Embrace unusual challenges and opportunities, especially the opportunities to serve others and those opportunities that test and challenge your natural desire for comfort.

• Go counter. When others are seeking power and influence do what you can to give it away. When others are angry and resentful, look for opportunities to bring peace. Find goodness where it appears to be absent.

• Acknowledge that there is more to life that what you know and others have the capacity and the power to teach you, no matter who they are, if you are open and available to learn.

My heart is warmed. Last week I responded to a letter a woman wrote about her depression. She said she could not afford a psychologist or any other appropriate medical help. The simplicity of her letter moved me to publish her letter unedited and the depth of her cry clearly touched many Mercury readers. The column was published on Thursday. I tried, from this distance, to offer some keys and insight into depression. I underscored the necessity of being part of a close community of supportive friends.

By Saturday I had eight or nine emails from mental health professionals, family of mental health professionals, and other related referrals all from the greater Durban area.

Professionals offered vastly reduced rates or pro-bono services for the reader.

Thank you. Thank you so much. My hope is that the writer of the original plea will select a source of help from the emails and get the kind of help she needs.

As a writer I am deeply encouraged by the grace of the readers of this column and thankful for the ongoing support I have known for many years.

Kindly note it has become necessary to switch email addresses. Here’s the new one: RodESmith122@gmail.com. The “122” is simply the street number of our home.