The Mercury

Are you a therapist who believes you can’t change others but you can only change yourself?

What I believe may appear paradoxical:

I believe I can only change only myself but my powers to do so are limited. For instance, in the past 10 months I have lost 18 Kg (40 pounds). Keep in mind that I’ve done this at least 20 other times in my adult life!

I believe I am powerless over changing others and shudder at the thought of what changes I’d make if I could. Think about it. Playing God comes with consequence. Yet, I have seen people grow as a result of our knowing each other.

I believe that if I set out to change others the push back, which may take years, perverts the relationship. It results in emotional ducking and diving (hide and seek) which distorts or perverts the freedom and purity all humans crave.

I believe that RELATIONSHIP itself has remarkable power to changes us. We make, shape, and provoke each other. We stimulate each other to great, wonderful things. The converse is, of course, sadly, also true.

I believe all change begins with unilateral forgiveness, the decision to be generous, and a shoring up of both internal and external boundaries.

Mercury / Friday

Healthy steps anyone can take in order to improve his or her relationships

1. Define yourself, not others.

2. Ask your own questions and not for the benefit of others (others can ask their own questions).

3. Forgive everyone, everything. It’s about you, not those who’ve hurt or offended you.

4. Clarify as much as possible before you agree to anything. Greater clarity before you start anything will usually result in fewer complications and confusions as things progress. This is not foolproof by any means but it is usually helpful.

5. Get out of the middle. Don’t play carrier pigeon for anyone for any reason, not even for your children.

6. Avoid hinting at what you want or do not want – be as “upfront” as possible. If you expect others to read your mind you’ll be victim to their peculiarities and their unresolved complexities.

7. Don’t take sides among friends, even if it is clear one is wrong and one is right. Siding among friends is not helpful in the long term.

8. Don’t gossip. If you cannot say something directly to someone don’t say it about him or her to others.

9. Tell the truth. It’s usually better than anything you can fabricate.

10. Lead when it necessary; follow when it is necessary. If you’re not doing both something’s wrong somewhere.

11. Don’t talk negatively about your boss – if you have to complain do it face-to-face with the boss.

12. Never write anonymously. If you can’t sign it, don’t write it. There are unusual exceptions but I won’t go into those right now.

Things you don’t want, and, what you do want in your family, church, business, school, or not-for-profit organization:

• You do not want peacekeeping. Peacekeeping is the often-nervous dance to avoid conflict. It seeks to protect everyone’s feelings and wants everyone to look as if they get along (even when they don’t). It accommodates weaknesses to the extreme all in the name of care. You do want peacemaking. It creates an environment where necessary conflict is welcomed and, when handled well, the outcome is an enduring and authentic peace.

• You don’t want scripted opinions and conversations which satisfy some imagined or hoped-for image. You do want freedom to think and to express opinions that may be contrary to the party line.

• You don’t want uniformity and sameness so lock-step ways seep into thinking, speaking, and acting (and then lead ultimately to resentment and cut-offs). You do want unity around established goals with the accompanying freedom to challenge and modify the goals as needed.

• You don’t want a “yes-sir” or “yes-mam” culture where the parent or the boss is always right and always affirmed and seldom challenged. You do want a respectful, free environment where a necessary “no-sir” and “no-mam” are considered sometimes necessary and healthy and are respected and encouraged.

Have you ever spent time really assessing what you want? I believe What do you want? is the holiest questions we each must answer.

I hear people saying they want to be happy and useful do something meaningful with their lives and travel and teach English in an Asian country or pack fish in Alaska or write a best selling novel or, and, or…….. and on it goes.

It is the rare to find people who plan the detail and implement what they need to do to enjoy the life they say they want.

They live as if being who they really want to be and doing what they really want to do will happen by accident.

It won’t.

In relation to what you want:

• It’s not too late. It might be too late for some things but you probably can find a parallel dream or activity that snuggles in with the one you feel you may have missed.
• You can only legitimately want for yourself. Wanting for others make make you feel good but it is a waste of wanting and energy. Others, even your children, have want for themselves. Many parents will tell you they want their children to be happy. Your child’s happiness is his or her load but he or she is more likely to be happy if you are.
• To want and to want deeply is not selfish. There’s no freer and happier person than the one who is doing what he or she really wants and none is as selfish as he or she who is not.