Archive for August, 2009

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August 10, 2009

Fault-lines….

by Rod Smith

“You describe ‘emotional fault-lines’ in a relationship that you say requires intensive understanding ‘on behalf of the one so inflicted.’ I was accused of everything you describe: not giving enough attention, not showing enough concern, not being on the ‘same page.’ I am not sure who is the ‘one so inflicted.’ Do you mean the person who suffers from this error in belief on the one who is the victim? How do you ‘embrace and accept’ these fault-lines in another without appeasing? If I had embraced and accepted, surely I would be appeasing?”

USA

USA

I apologize for the ambiguity. It is your former significant other who will benefit from understanding her “fault-lines.” It is you who must embrace without appeasing the “faulty thinker.” Tall order? Of course it is. Immature adults require growing up. Not MORE attention.

It is possible to remain untouched, non-anxious, when accused as described and to repeatedly declare your unwillingness to accept her attempts to control and sabotage the relationship.

“How much attention is sufficient? Why do you require so much concern? We can be on different pages, in fact we can be in separate books (to continue the metaphor) and be in love,” are useful questions when relating to the detrimentally needy.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

August 7, 2009

My girlfriend is very moody..

by Rod Smith

“My girl friend who I want to marry is very jealous and moody but it shouldn’t be a problem. I can say nothing to her about it. If a female even brushes against me she jumps down my throat. She is always the one wanting to end the relationship even if she is wrong in a situation. What can i do about it?”

USA

USA

Rod: Moodiness and jealousy are bottomless pits and the gateway to relationship hell. I’d bail now until your girlfriend gets suitable medical help and decides to assume the challenge of really growing up. When someone constantly threatens to end a relationship it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t play the “re-assurance game” requiring you to rebut her threats with having to repeat your desire to remain in the relationship. Assuming your “brushes” with other women are innocent, don’t modify your behavior to accommodate your girlfriend’s moodiness or jealousies. If you do, her controlling behaviors will only increase. If jealousy and moodiness are issues before you marry, they will remain and intensify after marriage. Both will require endless energy and attention from you while you believe you can do something about them. You cannot. The ONLY person who might be able to do something about them is the host – your girlfriend.

Midwest, USA

Midwest, USA

Kathryn:You CAN say something to her about it, unless you don’t mind being controlled and your life dictated to you. This certainly will become a problem that, once married, will be much worse. Jealousy is the antithesis of genuine love. It comes from focusing all your energy on another in an attempt to soothe yourself. Moodiness can be an attempt to control. Both will become tiresome very quickly. It is my suggestion that you begin discussing what effect her moodiness and jealousy have upon you before you get married. A healthy marriage is one in which both partners want the other to grow and reach their full potential in life. It is not fueled by an attempt to gain a false sense of security by having control over another. Where is the love?

Scotland

Scotland

Jo: Jealousy kills love; it tries to control and manipulate others. You have a big problem. Do you respect yourself enough not to tolerate your girlfriend’s behaviour towards you? Will you draw a line in the sand and tell her it must stop? Does she love you enough to find help for her moods and her jealousy? If the answer to these questions is “yes” then maybe there is hope for your relationship. If not then the road ahead could be very tricky. A healthy marriage has a foundation of honesty and respect, even when it is difficult. Lose that and you have lost everything.

ACT, Australia

ACT, Australia

You are involved deeply with someone who doesn’t trust you. It causes me to wonder why you want to marry her. She isn’t confident in your love for her and feels she must ‘own’ you to keep you. It would be a good idea to ‘rethink’ your decision to spend the rest of your life with this lady. What you see behaviourly before marriage will only intensifies after the ceremony. Do you really want to have a lifetime of walking on eggshells when you are with her?

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships | 2 Comments »

August 5, 2009

Meek is not weak….

by Rod Smith

Try it for a day or three...

Try it for a day or three...

Have you met any meek people lately? Let’s not confuse meek and weak. Meek is far from weak, and it is a character quality worthy of pursuit. To be meek is to willingly allow restraint to one’s strength so that strength is used for the good of all. It is to have a good understanding of one’s personal power and to decide to use it for the good of one’s family and community.

A meek person has the strength to bully others into getting what the stronger person wants but never does. A meek person never uses his or her strength for selfish reasons. A meek person “backs down” from some conflict, by his or her own choice, and not because he or she is afraid or intimidated. A meek person is able to make the call on when conflict is useful and when it is not.

Meekness is a quality that comes with humility, and humility is usually the birth-child of suffering, of good parenting and of wise living.

Pursue a meek attitude for a few days. If you think being meek is easy, try it for a month or two.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | 1 Comment »

August 4, 2009

He wants to be with his dad….

by Rod Smith

“I am recently divorced and left my marital home with my son (4). The ex still lives in our marital home. He and his girlfriend (the reason for the divorce) and her kids spend most of their time at this house and so does my son. My son is acting out and wants us to go back home. It’s so difficult for me to make him understand we can’t go back. I love this child who is my absolute life but he seems to want to be with his dad rather than me. This hurts so much. I don’t know if I can cope much longer with him always crying for his dad. He cries for me when he’s with his dad and cries for his dad when he’s with me. He’s also turning into quite a manipulator like telling me that he won’t have breakfast if I don’t take him to his dad. Please help.”

India

India

Your son is trying his best to “communicate” how he is feeling… unfortunately, divorce is not something he will understand until he is older. You and his father must come to an agreement about how to put his needs first.

USA

USA

Expect such behavior. This is difficult for you to grasp yet you want a four-year-old to get it! Increase your capacity to tolerate his pain while decreasing your dependence on his love. The boy wants to go home – don’t make it about preference of one parent over another.

ACT, Australia

ACT, Australia

Your four-year-old is extremely distressed because of the divorce. His behavior is about what’s happening NOT because he prefers you or your husband. Really strong loving boundaries are needed for him in this painful transition.

Scotland

Scotland

Your son really isn’t a happy little chap, his life is insecure and unpredictable. He ‘acts out’ because he can’t ‘speak out’. You and your husband must work together to provide stability for him.

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Voice | 1 Comment »

August 3, 2009

Passivity as destructive

by Rod Smith

Step up to the plate...

Step up to the plate...

Spousal physical abuse should never be tolerated. Bruises, swollen eye-sockets remind us that both men and women can resort to violent acts on a partner they once declared to love and respect forever. Such acts can result in a call to the police and a journey to the hospital.

Less obvious, but perhaps equally harmful, are the quiet and non-violent abusive acts of people who are abusive through their passivity (indifference), their unwillingness to assume responsibility (avoidance of) for their families.

One can hardly call the police because a man or a woman refuses to play his/her role as provider, supporter, or caregiver for their family, but homes are full of such people, men and women who will not take responsibility for their spouses and children.

Being emotionally withdrawn from our families, for whatever reason, can be as damaging, and if not more so, as deliberate physical acts of violence.

Many a woman might have a husband who never lifts a finger to her in anger, but his refusal to participate in the family, to be the dad and the husband he is called to be, might be as damaging as if he had been physically violent.

Posted in Communication | 2 Comments »

August 2, 2009

How do my husband and I get the excitement back?

by Rod Smith

About 11 years ago, my husband had a three-year affair with his secretary. It’s now over, as far as I know. Since his indiscretions, our sex life is poor. How do we get the excitement back? We’ve been together over 30 years. He doesn’t seem to be too interested in me, or sex at all. What am I doing wrong or, does he just not find me attractive anymore? Please help me. I am about to find love elsewhere.

USA

USA

If you both face the past with honest, possibly brutal, dialogue and a mutual commitment to listening and learning, you might find the emotional intimacy sufficient to ignite adult sexual physical attraction, rather than reducing attraction to something purely physical.

What is unresolved from the past will remain between you like an invisible wall. If you do not begin talking to each other about the very painful matters of the past, you might find yourselves stuck in an unfulfilling future.

Trying to find love “elsewhere” will certainly make a difficult marriage more difficult. The solution, or the approximation of one, lies in the living (active, dynamic) space between you and you husband and not in some false comfort found outside of the marriage.

ACT, Australia

ACT, Australia

Your husband’s lack of interest in you isn’t about what you are doing wrong. It’s about his choices concerning his own issues. When relational struggles happen in a marriage, when intimacy only happens through a sexual relationship, there are significant dynamics missing in a couples’ ‘connection’ with one another. Did the two of you ever go for counseling after your husband’s affair? Did you get help to work through his betrayal and rejection? Talk to your husband about seeking help now about your relationship – its history and its future. It will take energy and focus for both of you to ‘begin again’. Your husband’s affair happened 11 years ago, but if the reasons were never addressed, if the impact of it on your marriage was never processed, the reasons for it are still alive and well in you both.

Midwest, USA

Midwest, USA

Finding love elsewhere is avoiding the problem and is a temporary escape from dissatisfaction. It will hurt you, not help you. Focus on your own growth and what you want for your life. Sexual intimacy is most profound when you have enough Self to be separate from each other in order, paradoxically, to be together. Don’t pursue him. Don’t focus your energy on your husband. Instead, find a community of people amongst whom you can grow. The more self-defined you are, the higher the potential will be for a deeper level of sexual intimacy within your marriage. People who are self-directed, engaged, “connected” and are pursuing their dreams are attractive. Read “A Passionate Marriage” as a practical guide for your sex life and it may transform YOUR life.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | 1 Comment »

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