January 14, 2009
by Rod Smith
Myths about being “in love”:
1. The feelings last forever.
2. You always feel good about the person you love.
3. Love can “conquer” anything.
4. It’s permanent.
5. You will always forgive and forget.
The Truth about being “in love”:
1. Feelings come and go; commitment lasts forever.
2. You will experience a wide range of feelings about the person you love – and not all will always feel good.
3. Love, with commitment, can conquer almost anything.
4. Love, with commitment, matures, changes, grows – the feelings are temporary; the commitment is permanent.
5. Love remembers, love forgives, sometimes love even forgets. Love does whichever is best for both parties.
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January 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Regarding affairs: it’s not fair to generalize. Of course affairs aren’t right, but life isn’t perfect and people change. People fall out of love all the time and it’s hard to hurt someone you’ve been with for a long time even when you don’t love them anymore. Affairs are a big ‘gray area’ where situations differ. Often, it’s two people finding each other at the wrong time. I agree that those two people need to do what is needed to make is right. Sometimes it takes time to work through the details. I found that my affair partner was ‘comfortable’ in his relationship with his wife but not in love with her. At the same time, she knew she had not done anything wrong. It was hard for him to hurt her and be the ‘bad guy’ in the eyes of family and friends. It’s the same with my husband: I no longer loved him but he had done nothing wrong. I simply fell out of love with him. Does that make my affair and me bad people? We care enough about our spouses to not want to hurt them, but realize it’s not fair to them or ourselves to live a lie.” (Edited only for word count)
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January 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Everything was going well with a man I love. We had a child and were so happy. We were planning to move to another city because of the economy so I packed and went to live with my parents because he said we were going to save. After I left I tried phoning him but he did not want to talk. Finally he said he did not love me anymore. After two months I found there was another person. It was my friend’s sister who I had invited to my son’s birthday party. She was already living in the home I had left. I saw her picture in his wallet were my picture was once. I am hurting and I don’t know what is going to happen next. He tells me he left because I did not cook or clean much. I don’t know if he will ever come back because physically she is better than me. Do you have any comment?”
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You’ve loved a deceitful, irresponsible man who has moved on to his next victim. As tough as it is, I’d suggest you to take your future into your own hands and do what you can for you and your children.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, High maintenance relationships |
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January 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been in a four-year relationship with a married man. I still believe in his love but also believe he needs a push to do the right thing. I told him he has to own up to the affair and tell the wife himself, or I will tell her. I am not walking away with nothing after giving four years of my life. Then the wife can either have the choice of working things out with him or getting a divorce. It’s the women always make the decisions in the end.”
You might believe in “his love” (for you) but it is hard to believe you have any love for him. You clearly ignored any “push” to do the “right thing” and regard married men as “off limits.” While you are apparently vengeful and determined, you will most certainly find only temporary and limited personal peace.
I hope you will have some dramatic moment of insight, some divine encounter, an event of sorts that transforms you from within, and makes you ready to learn and ready love in ways that are helpful to you and to all persons in your sphere of influence.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication |
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January 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My wife (21) and I (22) have been married since July 2008. We have a lot in common. Her friends are male. She is an online video game addict, does instant messaging and voice chatting online with other men in front of me. She gets ‘cute’ with a hand full of them and even met two in person. I said it was okay. I read a few of her private emails. She hints she was missing something in her life and wants more. I annoy her and it upsets me. She wants to go out more, twice without me. What should I do, or go for help? I am the mature one in the relationship. I clean up after her. I give her back rubs. She is my best friend and it’s driving me insane. I am jealous.”
You will be the mature one in the relationship when you refuse to serve and support her addictive, immature habits. Whatever is “missing” from your wife’s life will not be “found” on, or through, the Internet. Whatever is missing in your marriage will not be gained while you behave like a hired manservant to her immature pursuits.
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January 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I made a promise to my boyfriend that I would always be ‘there’ for him. One day when he needed me I could not be there. He said he felt let down, very mad, sad about what happened. A week later he won’t let it go. He went from being happy, cuddly, and laughing to reserved, mad, and ignoring me. It tore me apart. I need to fix this, to tell him something that will put him at ease. He has a bit of a temper and whenever we have problems sometimes it lashes out, but he always keeps his promises to me. I need to restore his trust in me and I would like to make him happy again. I need help on what to say to him and how to stop this from happening again.”
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“I am sorry I did not meet your expectations but it is unloving of you to hold onto this. Rather, focus on controlling your temper. If you’re like this (demanding, moody, attention seeking, immature) when we are dating what are you going to be like if we marry? And, take care of your own happiness. It is a far too big an assignment to put on me or anyone else.”
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January 1, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for six months. Before I got married I have some debts that I’m no longer able to pay back because my partner doesn’t work. I never told her about these debts before. What can I do? My income is only enough for our rent and groceries.” (Unedited)
Take on a second, even a third job. Work all night if you must. Do anything it takes to pay your debts. If you were man enough to get yourself into debt – be man enough to work your way out of it. Although this has nothing to do with your wife, I’d suggest she get a job, too. If she’s somewhat angry at your lack of full disclosure before you married her, then accept her anger. It’s justified. PLEASE wait until you are out of debt before you father any children.
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