To spank or not to spank…

4 Comments to “To spank or not to spank…”

1. 
   Nancy
   June 25, 2008 at 3:44 pm

   Rod – I recently heard Dr. John MacArthur expound on this topic. A boy sent him a thank you note expressing appreciation for the pastor’s teaching on discipline. The boy said that he gave his dad a bigger switch to use on him after the previous one broke! Dr. MacArthur, by the way, recommends gentle but firm spanking of young children “to nip that rebellious spirit in the bud.”

   On the other side of the debate, I once read “Smart Love” written by a couple (psychotherapist & psychiatrist) who believe in “preserving the child’s ‘inner happiness’ by using ‘loving regulation.'” (Publishers Weekly put it better than I could) The focus is on understanding the child’s developmental stage and reacting to bad behavior without making the child feel unhappy or rejected. “Smart love” requires lots and lots of patience and going the extra mile for misbehaving children….

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2. 
   Lighthouse
   July 3, 2008 at 2:45 pm

   Spanking … NO.

   We’ve had some success with the following, but as always it may not work for you.

   If the offending words/actions involve another person and they are able to speak:

   1. Ask the offending child to fulfil their appropriate responsibility – to use gentle words/touches – then explain how you will all help them with self-control (see 2).
   2a. Ask the offended child to use gentle words to assertively ask the offender to “stop” .
   2b. If 2a does not work, ask the offended child to repeat 2a and in addition ask the offender to “respect their words”.
   2c. If 2b does not work, ask the offended child to say nothing further and find you.
   2d. You take the offended back to offender, acknowledge the efforts of the offender to keep self-control in general but ask them to recognize that they failed on this occassion by saying “sorry”, then explain how you will continue to help them with self-control and obtain agreement for compliance from the offender. Repeat as necessary.

   If the words/actions involve another person unable to speak or an inanimate object:

   1. Ask the offending child to fulfil their appropriate responsibility – to use gentle touches – then explain how you will all help them with self-control (see 2).
   2a. After each offense, remove the object. Repeat the above and obtain agreement for compliance from the offender. Repeat as necessary.
   2b. If the object cannot be removed, associate it with a use for the child and take away the result, i.e. cannot remove car, but can remove a promised trip to McDonalds. Repeat the above and obtain agreement for compliance from the offender. Repeat as necessary.

   As the offender repeatedly benefits from the loving, consistent efforts of yourself and other effected parties, they will internalize the inevitability of feedback (request for fulfilment of responsibilities) from those around them and the desire to misbehave will subside.

   Yeah, good parenting takes efforts. It may even require prioritizing discipline over enjoyment sometimes at some sacrifice to yourself. But, you should have got a dog if you wanted a broken spirited, Pavlovian trained companion. After all, no child gets up in the morning wanting to be hit, they just wanted to find their lovingly , consistently applied boundaries.

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3. 
   pammy C
   August 26, 2008 at 1:38 pm

   Spanking NO

   Personally I found particulary useful aply humor or ironic coments on situations where my kids misbehave

   I speak them firmly, honestly, with reality on my words. I look for them to look at me, and make sure they are receiving what im saying. I do not do long speaches. I told them whats need, and then I explain the consecuences in a very clear way, also in words I know are adecuate for their ages.

   Mostly of times, I have seen people punish his kids phisically, and realize that the children dont know WHY, they are being punish. The only respones to that is, DAD IS MEAN. DAD ISNT TRUSTABLE, DAD IS DECEIVING TO ME.

   ITs NOT TRUE THEY ARE CORRECTED BY SPANKING, just they learn to LIE BETTER, TO HIDE BETTER, THEY ARE AWARE OF DONT BEING CAUGHT. ALSO THEY LEARN YOU CANT TRUST PEOPLE, THEY DROWN IN RAGE CANT BE EXPRESS OTHER THAN WITH VIOLENCE OR BY WITHDRAWN/DEPRESSION.

   SO BEFORE YOU SPANK YOUR CHILDREN, THINK TWICE, WHY YOU WANTED TO HAVE THIS CHILDREN?, ARE YOU EDUCATING HIM WITH LOVE OR YOU EXPECT HIM TO LEARN WITH THE DOG TRAINING METHOD?

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4. 
   Jamie
   November 10, 2008 at 10:52 am

   I don’t think spanking sets a good example to children, as it is usually done with a lack of self control and forethought. Self control and forethought are aspects of discipline itself and when one throws them out the window for the sake of discipline, it is hypocritical and confusing to a child. I can’t say that I don’t very occasionally, in the heat of the moment, whop my daughter on the butt; but I try to explain to her later that I lost control, just as she did and that we both need to work on our behavior. Also, I learned from experience with her (when I was getting my bearings dealing with an intense, high strung child) that some children whimper, cry and submit to spanking (which may reaffirm a parent’s feeling of authority but isn’t necessarily good for the child) and other children (like mine) become more out of control and agitated. Just as on medicine doesn’t necessarily work for everyone, different children need different modes of parenting. I don’t believe spanking implemented as a policy really produces the desired self discipline that one might want to instill in a child. It’s shows a lack of respect for a child’s intelligence and a refusal to use one’s own intelligence. To use a form of “discipline” that isn’t even employeed by animal trainers is demeaning to everyone in the presence of the action.

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