I am in second place to his mother and sisters…..

10 Comments to “I am in second place to his mother and sisters…..”

1. 
   Debi
   August 9, 2007 at 12:41 pm

   This will never get any better, do not take this relationship any further, trust me been there and done that twice!! You will always be second best and your feelings will never be accounted for. Sorry to have to say it, but you need to know before it grinds you down and ruins your life. My experience is with a mummy’s boy (who always put his mother first) and a husband who always took the side of his dilinquent son which has finally driven me out of my home, leaving me homeless!

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2. 
   phani
   August 12, 2007 at 6:53 pm

   Why dont people co exist? Do you want a family or your individual life with a puppet husband? Remember his mother would have been previous generation lady who can barely change… How about you? so called Modern era of life… Do this thing.. support him continously his family and pay respect that they gave you a wonderful man… keep going with him…soon he will make you as a family member.. if you bluntly says that will not happen without an effort… GOD SAVE YOU!@ or seperate marry a LONER of the world, if exists!

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3. 
   Nadya
   October 7, 2007 at 1:33 am

   I would think twice before marring this man (or mamma’s boy?). My husband was loyal and helpful to his parents before we got married. He is a great son but not good husband and father to our son. Most every weekend he spends with his parents and his head is preoccupied with their problems and wants. He never stands up for me when his parents accused or critisized me. My point is that mature man should separate from his family before create his own. I am not saying that he should leave them or love his pfamily any less but his new family should be a priority number one in his life. From my exprerience i could say that nothing will change in your life after you marry him. You will feel as a “third weel” ot “second class citizen” in this family.

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4. 
   Rox
   October 17, 2007 at 11:28 pm

   I feel for you. A relationship I was in ended upbruptly, recently, when he decided that his overbearing and needy family are the priority in his life…not developing a relationship with me. I’m glad that it didn’t go so far as for me to fall in love with him, etc etc, because it would have hurt even worse. I guess the biggest thing I’ve learned from this situation is, you can’t change people, heck, you can’t even expect for people to change…all you can do is change your response.

   I don’t know if you’re a religious person, but if you look at marriage from a biblical perspective, it says that a man is to leave his mother/father and cleave unto his wife. If he’s not practicing that now, just know that going into the marriage he is not going to change. Better find some good hobbies!

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5. 
   barbara
   August 10, 2008 at 8:53 pm

   How he treats mom and dad is generally how he will treat you. Also please remember who raised him. Did you think that this wonderful man came full grown out of the sea? No that mother and father you resent so much were the ones who made him that wonderful so give them a break. Make friends with them — you will never regret it. I had a lot of the same questions you have before I got married. Now I feel like I am thier daughter. They call me and include me in everything. But I made a point to make friends with them both — without my husband I would call them and do things with them. Doing this once in awhile made my husband relax that he was not the only one “responsible” for mom and dad. And it made them like me so that if he showed up at their house without me they would yell at him and either call me to come over also or shoo him home! The house next door to us was for sale last year and I begged them to buy it and come live even closer to us. I love them dearly! Remember if they were not nice he would have rebelled and not be seeing them very much. He sees them a lot — they must be nice.

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6. 
   I hear you
   September 2, 2008 at 10:11 pm

   Hey. I am currently in this situation as well. I am thinking ending the relationship is the best option. I have tried to be their friend, include myself, talk about it with my partner, let my feelings be known, everything, absolutely everything, and nothing works and I am still miserable about it. I think it is an inner need or issue with my partner and until he decides to sort it out within himself, there is nothing I can do to make him understand. I feel for you, i totally do and I hope we both do the right thing.

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7. 
   chloe
   November 20, 2008 at 8:50 am

   im in a similar situation.my partner moved in with me and my 4 children from a previous relationship 4 years ago.

   his mother is so nasty to me…she wont acknowledge my children and wont even speak to me when she phones.
   she is constantly putting me down…she doesnt see me as being her sons family.
   she has 3 sons and my partner is the middle child…she treats him very different from his other brothers..she will do nothing for him and barely keeps in touch…however my partner thinks she is perfect…he will drop anything and everything if she decides she wants him to..he always puts us second best where she is concerned.
   it was his birthday a while ago and my children an i had planned a party for him…his mother phoned the day before his birthday and said she wanted to meet him on his birthday…so he lets my children down and goes of with his mother..rather than tell her to come to our house or make it later in the week, he would rather hurt my kids than say no to his mother.
   i have tried talking to him about it but he always takes her side…he says we are his family but it seems we are only his family when his mother is not around….when she is around we are second best.
   i dont understand why he is like this with her when she doesnt have any time for him…it seems like sometimes she forgets he exists…for xmas last year his 2 brothers got very very expensive electrical items…my partner got a book!
   hes not young..hes 39 and has lived away from home since his late teens..so its not as if hes been dependent on her.
   i have tried to get along with her…ive always been polite but she is downright nasty…
   it drives me to tears that he cant see what she is like…am i being unreasonable by thinking that he should put us first…

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8. 
   j
   April 30, 2009 at 1:53 pm

   I’m in this same situation. I’ve decided to stay with my man. SOmetimes it’s hard, but I make it work. Most of the time when he does something extra for his momma, I go out of my way to do something special for myself. I make myself feel important! It’s really really hard, but if you decide to stay you have to be happy with your decision. Face it, it’s your life and when you know what your are dealing with he can’t do anything to you that you don’t allow. BUy yourself something special. GO get your hair done etc.. Do whatever it takes that’s legal and morally sound, and mean whatever, to make you feel good about you. Sometimes, I lie about money so I can have a little extra set aside to do something special just for me. You are the most important person in your life and you don’t need a man to make you feel special because you already are.

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9. 
   Lilia
   May 8, 2009 at 5:47 am

   I am in the same situation, but more complicated. My future-mother-in-law had become a widow last year and since then me and my boyfriend spend all our free time with her. Becoming a widow at 55 is really unfair and it breaks my heart seeing her so unhappy and lost. However, me and my BF (now fiance) had been together for 6 years now and I am ready to start a family with him. But he seems to still be wrapped up in his mom’s problems. I feel that us two had been through a lot lately, and that we deserve to be happy together. I do what I can to help. We take her out every weekend, we are around her house every Friday and Saturday nights (them – drinking, me – driving). Her and I go to aerobics classes together. We go IKEA together to pick furniture for our flat. We go back to Ireland to visit BF’s father’s grave instead of going on holidays. I hardly ever have time to go see my own mom (she only lives down the road), because every minute I have left after visiting FMIL I try to spend with my BF, because I can see how this situation stresses our relationship (I don’t think he does). And after all the efforts my BF is too tired and depressed to pay any attention to me. The other day I went to meet my friends and my mom, and he called me a hypocrete for saying that I want to spend more time with him and instead going to visit my mom. The problem is that my family also needs my attention (he never comes along when I go to visit my mom – and it’s not even that often! says he’s tired). If all we do is to deal with our familys’ problems, we have no time to be together. To be fair to him, when my mom was going through a rough patch he’s always been there for her. The only difference now is that my mom had moved on and gave us some space (for which I am very grateful to her!), and his – did not. She is very indecisive. She needs advice on everything and expects everyone else to make decisions for her. We cannot be with her for the rest of her life – it is impossible! She needs to learn to live on her own and make her own desicions. The way I see it, we are only making the situation worse at the moment by taking on her responsibilities.

   Don’t get me wrong. I know it is a hard time for all the family. They are still grieving for the father. I am not as heartless as he thinks. I think in the end of the day, I am not so much depressed about seeing his family so often, but about this not making any difference. My boyfriend is still depressed. His mom has not moved on. And all I get is being called selfish if I kick up a fuss about once in a while. I feel that my efforts are very much unappreciated. I am being as kind and understanding as possible, and in return I cannot even ask for a quiet night in with him when I feel it becomes a bit too much for me. Him mom affects every decision we make without even realising it. I don’t know if it will ever change… If not, sadly I might end this relationship. I am 25, I have a stable job, I have a boyfriend I love. I want to marry him and have his babies. I waited long enough. The only problem is he’s too busy with his family to have the time to even think about the same things. It scares me to see the time ticking away. The time we could be spending together.

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10. 
    Chocolate
    August 5, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    This is a situation that won’t get any better. I can only attest to what I’ve been through with my X. My children are second place to their grandma (his mom) yet falling in line as number 7th and 8th because his siblings comes before them also. I have never seen nothing like this in my ilfe and I am having a hard time believing it. Mind you, his mother is elderly and can’t care for herself, and though I commend him for taking such good care of her as a son, the problem is that ALL he does is takes care of her and not his children. He only leave the house for a necessity and nothing else and often times, he’s there for 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week before coming out for anything. No matter what the kids call him for, he tells them that he have to take care of his mom and he can’t leave the house because no one is there. With him constantly telling the kids each time they ask for his time that he has to take care of her is basically telling them that “she comes first, not you. He has a sister and brother that lives there too. Either he feels it’s his place to do it all alone or either they feel like his place to do it all alone. This man is sacrificing his own children to ensure that is parent/siblings are satisfied or taken care of. His relationship with his children are horrible. They feel unloved and really don’t want anything to do with him and he can’t understand why. He thinks I make them act this way when I don’t say a word….they simply observe what they see taking place and act on it. They don’t want to visit his home and won’t even pick up the phone when he calls them. He mkes sure that the mom is fed, bathed and taken care of as one would do an infant but he doesn’t make sure his children has food, love, and support or the basic necessities they need in life. On holidays, he says that his family (not kids but siblings/mom) needs him. He has never spent a holiday with his children during their lifetime on this earth. If he comes to see the kids it’s normally only for a few minutes because he rushes back home so that the sister and brother can live their lives and go whereever they want to go. Everytime the kids ask anything of him, even if its a simple as “dad can you bring me some McDonald’s, he will tell them that no one is there and he can’t leave. He will tell the child “daddy gotta go so that your uncle can go to the gym” when they only ask can he stay for another 5 minutes. I hate to be venting to you of issues that I had/have experience but it goes to show that if a man is like this when you meet him, chances are he will not change. A “mama’s boy is not good for nothing but taking care of their mama. My advice to you honey, is to get someone who will put you first. The bible states that a man leaves his mother to cleave to his wife. With having said that, it will not get any better. You will find yourself having ill feelings towards your mother in law. Not that you want to hate her, you will feel threatened by her because she is taking your place. You can avoid all of this by letting it go.

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