April 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My parents were very happily married and did everything together. My mom and dad would never go anywhere without the other. I know times have changed and every marriage is unique and I know my husband is not the same as my father, but he (my husband) thinks nothing of planning short golf trips with his friends at least three times a year. He usually encourages me to do some kind of similar trip with my friends. Apart from his involvement in sport, which takes up so much time, I think we are very happy. Please comment.” (Letter edited)
I’d suggest you offer your husband all the support possible in order that he may freely pursue his golf and his friends. Find an absorbing interest of your own so that when he is away and playing golf, you do not place your life on hold.
The greater your genuine ease with your husband’s interests, the less likely it is that these interests will be a point of stress for each of you in your marriage. I should think that a golf course would be a very attractive sanctuary of peace and tranquility if it also must become a necessary escape from a difficult spouse!
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Forgiveness, Victims |
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April 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
My son (40) is dating a woman of another race group and this is upsetting many members of our family. I have not talked with him about this but I know he knows how I feel. If he marries her this will be his third marriage and he has children from two other women who he divorced. I do not know how to react to this woman and I am sure her family are as suspect of the relationship as we are. Please help. (Letter edited)
Your son is 40! He is already twice married. Surely you have seen that he is making his own way in life and that your affirmation of his choices is probably not too important to him. That his new love interest is a woman of “another race group” ought to be the last of your concerns. I am sure her family are concerned about the man their daughter is marrying, but it is probably not about his race. Their concern probably related to his track-record regarding intimate relationships.
That said, I know many men and woman who have found profound happiness after several former marriages. Embrace this woman. Get over your issues about race and give his new love interest all the support and welcome you can muster.
Posted in Marriage |
7 Comments »
April 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
For the past nine years I have been having specific dreams. The dreams are often about my school days, going late for exams, sitting for wrong papers, missing exams totally, field trips / excursions, fights, simple things like that. The dreams are about me and my relationships. I was always studious, well mannered and a nice friendly person easy to get on with people, but these dreams shows a different side of me I felt that I should get into contact with my friends / class mates Searching to find a reason, and for the dreams to stop but they just get worse. They are starting to get more serious and intense, waking up feeling disorientated and scared. The last one, I got up one morning dressed as if it were a normal day arrived at school, people staring my friends running away from me, saying that I was dead and even showed a memorial plaque everything was as clear as day. Is this something I should just ignore hope that one day they will just stop or seek some kind of help? (Letter unedited)
Thanks for writing. There are many persons who consider themselves experts in the analysis of dreams – and I am not one of them! I have published your letter in the hopes that a reader who is such an expert will be able to steer us in a helpful direction regarding your uncomfortable and recurring dreams.
Posted in Uncategorized |
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April 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate or threatening behavior like shouting, swearing, pushing, restricting movement, drunkenness, withholding keys, wallet, or personal items from someone, who will also then will claim, usually within a very short time, to love you:
1. If your most intimate relationship has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviors, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your most intimate emotional energy?
2. Remind yourself that relationship pathology (unwanted and unhealthy patterns) will not subside or decline without some radical shift within the dynamic of one of the participants. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviors will only grow. It takes ONE person to shift (usually the victim) before some change occurs.
3. Remember that the perpetrator usually of does not want to be exposed for the behavior, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim (or victims) somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victims, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victims distort reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
19 Comments »
April 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Last week my in-laws were visiting us and expressed disapproval about how my husband was handling our thirteen-year-old son. They did not take the time to hear the full story behind out mutual decision to discontinue our son’s enjoyment of some privileges. My husband felt very down and he has brought it up several times in the week. Should I talk to his mother about this? We are very close. It was so unusual for his parents to interfere and take sides. It made my husband look like we were much more strict than we really are and my son now feels he’s got his grandparents on his side. My husband did not cave into the pressure he felt. Please comment. (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: I’d suggest you let this event pass without further reference. If anyone wants to bring it up suggest your husband do it face-to-face, and alone, with his parents. By your own admission, this was out of character for your in-laws. It seems your son might have the sense of having his grandparents on his side (which is hardly a bad idea) while still being firmly aware that it is his parents who hold the final say on the important matters pertaining to his life.
Posted in Family, In-laws |
1 Comment »
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