Suggestions for “Never Agains”

Use another or others for undisclosed ends, the seed at the heart of maniputlation and dishonesty. 

Use personal power, minimal or vast, to ends for which it is neither awarded nor intended, the essence of intimidation and arrogance. 

Use guilt, punishment, exclusion, to get or keep another or others in order or under control, the height of domination and darkness. 

Speak ill of absent others anf those who cannot self-defend or offer explaination, especially if the sentiments are not first expressed directly face-to-face to the subject or subjects of negative talk, the mark of cowardice.

Blame another or others for things or outcomes and deflect responsibility, be it through avoidance or complicity, an indication of authentic immaturity.

Fall for, be seduced by a “single story” — a partial truth, accepting incomplete understanding of context, ignoring the idea or possibility there may be more to learn or to understand about a circumstance — and acting upon it. This is to be uneducated and willing to remain so.

Succumb to “othering” and prejudice, to exclude others no matter who they are or what may be said or believed about them. This is the bull’s eye of entitlement and damaging, alienating pride, and even more prideful and damaging if perpetuated in the name of faith or of God.

Mondays are re-set days, days to plan the week (unless that’s a Sunday evening activity for you). Monday’s are days to plan for what’s left of the month, or to make a blueprint for the rest of your life. It’s blue-sky Monday, not “blue-Monday”, a term I’ve thankfully not heard in years. 

Before you get to planning try to take care of some foundational issues. 

Clear your head and heart of lingering resentments or unforgiveness — plans made on top of foundations of bitterness are sure to backfire and be costly to much more your wallet.

Make right with people in your immediate and extended family — plans made while in conflict or dissention are likely to crash into barriers of invisible loyalties and burn you up on the inside. 

Relax and breath deeply before you begin your planning — futures  developed in anxiety and desperation will hardly lead to a peaceful future, be it for the week or forever.

Plan your way out of debt, first — nothing will be a more perfect barrier to achieving your hopes and dreams than trying to pay off maxed out credit cards. 

Be assured that your plans may indeed not come to full and planned fruition but if no plan exists, and you plan nothing, you’re most certainly sure to achieve it.

When you are feeling overwhelmed, crowded out by responsibilities, sad, and yet motivated, and bombarded with “monkey’s weddings” (explanation to come), there are a few things you can do. I make lists of all I have to do. If you see me making pencil columns on paper listing all I have to do you know I am getting close to desperate.

But, let me get a “monkey’s wedding.” 

Perhaps I have taken the metaphor to unintended depth but when a South African uses the term “monkey’s wedding” it means it’s raining and the sun is shining. Something very beautiful is occurring when it is also inextricably linked to something sad. 

A young child read Psalm 23 yesterday to hundreds of people. 

It was perhaps the most beautiful reading I have ever heard of that psalm. 

The boy needed no help or prompting and the child – about 7 or 8 years old – displayed no sign of nervousness as his dad stood behind him at the pulpit. 

The child was reading the psalm at his beloved grandmother’s funeral. 

A perfect “monkey’s wedding.” 

I am driving my son to New York City this weekend where he will settle into his new and wonderful life.

Please use the term in your own life if you are hearing it now for the first time.  

A mental health professional in South Africa requests an “old” column for his marketing kit……. what a joy to share this:

Therapy is most helpful when….

1. It is self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.
2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.
3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.
4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.
5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.
6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.
7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.
8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.
9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.
10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.

“My son is 37. He is not in a life threatening surgery and yet when I got the text this morning that he was in the operating room I wanted to cry.  I didn’t. But for some reason I wanted to.”

Your note illustrates that the umbilical cord is infinitely elastic! He is your son. You have been with him from “the beginning.” You have seen him through every phase of his life. You are going to “feel it” whenever he faces trials and difficulties. 

While you need no permission I’d suggest you go ahead and cry all you want and all you need. 

While I do not know this to be true  – how could I? – I will suggest your emotions and wanting to express them is only partially due to the immediate surgery that he is undergoing. The immediate surgery triggers your memory to hundreds of other times over the years of things you have faced together as he was going through every phase of his life thus far. 

Our challenge as parents of adult sons and daughters is to function as highly and healthily as possible given that our role and work as parents is complete, despite the emotional responses we will have when our “children”  – they are no longer children but fellow adults –  are challenged.

The benefits of knowing and defining what you want — desire, aspire to, what you’re “cut out” for — and setting yourself in the direction of achieving it: 

— You’ll be focused on your strengths and your future and not on your weaknesses and your past failures. 

— You’ll be single-minded as you explore and enjoy your strengths and talents and you’ll be a whole lot nicer to be around than you are likely to be if you’re scrambling around trying to settle your confused and uncertain soul. 

— You’ll get more and more comfortable with the idea that who and what you are will undergo shifts and changes in expression but the core of who you are and what you want will be as set as your finger prints. 

— You will see and understand over time that no one gets everything he or she wants in exactly the way it’s wanted. Life is too kind to give anyone an enduring rose garden. 

— You’ll identify what you don’t want and therefore resist seduction down wasteful and often very expensive rabbit holes. You’ll learn the skill and reap the benefits of being able to say a credible “yes” and “no” and be respected for both. 

— You’ll discover others are less inclined to mess with you as they dectect you’re on a purposeful mission.

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My sons and me some years back!