“I read today’s column (Monday 5th: ‘Family misreads kindness for weakness’) and cheered for the woman who wrote it. Perhaps she should invest in a copy of ‘Boundaries’ by Cloud and Townsend. She has made the first step and said no, but people don’t always take no for an answer. They may use guilt and manipulation to challenge her stand. She will need to constantly remind and reassure herself that she has done, and is doing the right thing. I lent my copy of ‘Boundaries’ to my sister and she keeps it next to her bed. She consults it regularly to remind herself that when she says no, it is her right to do so.”

You are correct. Also, when a person has been unsure of his or her boundaries it is common to be filled with self-doubt once appropriate boundaries are established. Healthy boundaries can feel wrong, selfish, or unkind. Remember, there is some “positive” return for having poor boundaries making a person feel needed, wanted, or important and so, when this “positive“ return ceases (as boundaries are established) the one who newly asserts his or her boundaries can feel abandoned, unwanted, or unimportant, and then even desire to recant on what really is a very necessary and healthy stand. Health demands unrelenting courage and it will always be tested and challenged.

Perhaps it is hardly significant by some standards, but reaching half-a-million hits for this website is significant for me….

My thanks to all who read http://www.DifficultRelationships.com

Rod Smith

“My husband, like many other men, considers Mothers Day to be a commercialized rip-off. He says that I am not his mother and will not acknowledge Mothers Day for me. I feel it would be nice to be acknowledged as the mother of his children . It would be nice if he set a good example to the children and helped them choose a card or very small gift so that they learn to show appreciation for what is done for the mom a daily basis. What I find very hurtful is that  the day before Mothers Day he asks me what I have bought for his mother for Mothers Day even though she is not MY mother. Every Fathers Day I buy him a small gift and a card from myself and the children and wish him because I think it is healthy for the children to learn to say thank you and show appreciation and also I would like to be the bigger person. We have had children for 16 years. Please comment.”

Mother Day may well be a commercialized rip-off. But, your husband could still MAKE something beautiful for you and, in so doing,  teach your children to resist predatory commercialism and express how he treasures the mother of his children! Happy Mothers Day!

“My husband is the best person I have ever known. But slowly over the course of a year and a half, he’s come to the realization that he is not in love with me anymore. He is trying to ‘do the right thing’ and hasn’t left the home but its just like we are friends now…no more lovers. I am so lonely and I feel horrible every time I think about it. I know I could have been better in our marriage. I admitted to my weaknesses and faults and genuinely saw things for the first time in a new light that made me want to change. But its been 8 months and maybe my efforts are too late. We met in high school. We grew up together and were each other’s best friends. But now in his eyes, I’m like an enemy. He needs to ‘find himself’ and he feels like he can’t do that with me.  I never thought in a million years I’d be in this situation. But I still love him and still hope and still pray.”

Avoid blaming yourself.  I hope your husband begins to see his marriage as his only legitimate crucible in which he may truly “find” himself.

I am going to:

1. be kind to others even when they might be unkind to me;
2. forgive others even if they do not ask for it or deserve it;
3. be generous to people who least expect it;
4. complete, when possible, the most difficult tasks first;
5. turn the other cheek;
6. seek ways to enhance the lives of those who speak ill of me;
7. buy a needy family groceries (anonymously);
8. leave larger tips than ever for servers in restaurants;
9. listen more than talk;
10. be unpredictable and out of control