“My son (31) insists that his ‘terrible childhood’ has resulted in his many failures. His father and I have bailed him out several times with large amounts of money which he never talks of repaying, and, to cap it all, he says it is nothing compared to what we ‘owe’ him for the trauma of his early years. Granted, we were not perfect parents, but are we expected to put up with this?”

The child (currently residing in a man’s body) will never become a man while he blames others for his condition. While mommy and daddy are waiting in the wings to deliver him from all hardships, mommy and daddy are restricting his growth into a fulfilling adulthood.

I’d suggest you immediately sever all cash flow in your son’s direction no matter how urgent his need or how serious the consequences. I’d suggest you offer no more apologies or guilt money – and that you talk about what he owes you and about how be plans to pay his debts.

Every person deserves free passage – to be unhindered in daily life. To be free of bullying of all kinds, free of abusive behaviors, free of controlling behaviors, free of intimidation, manipulation, and domination – to live as victim to none.

If this is not your experience, it is time to muster the courage to do something about it. It is time to speak up.

Begin small: choose a few selected and trusted friends and tell them the truth. Ask them to listen without offering you advice, without attempting to rewrite or to reframe your experience. Essential to finding freedom, to finding your voice, to gaining the self-respect required to escape the destructive web that comes with toxic relationships is the willingness to articulate your experience and name it as accurately as possible.

Once named – the trap is easier to identify and an escape plan is easier to devise. While there is no one-plan-fits-all to rise above unhealthy patterns in relationships, silence is never the answer. Speak up. It’s the first step to freedom.

Tuesday

Observations regarding professional athletes, especially those whose rise to stardom is rapid:

1. Getting their own way becomes a way of life, which often leads to troubled personal relationships. What works (determination, quick-thinking, force, charisma) on the field is not usually appealing in intimate relationships. The skills, useful to the athlete in action, can cause athletes to use force or passive/aggressive, or aggressive forms of punishment in personal relationships. This, of course, results in pain for those who are intimately associated with the athletes. Perhaps saddest of all, is that those closest to the athlete are seldom positioned to get help for fear of exposing the athlete to “hurtful” publicity.

2. Men (this is World Cup season) who have not necessarily been accustomed to fortunes are prone to mismanage their quickly acquired wealth and goodwill, and are therefore prone to live reckless lives in the heat of their newfound celebrity status.

The “wise” celebrity enjoys the applause without believing it (adoration can turn to crucifixion in a moment – just ask Tiger!), employs a reputable agents and financial advisors, seeks wise and regular personal counsel, pursues authentic humility, and is deliberate about understanding the separation between adoring, faceless crowds, and the true love born of blood and deep commitment.

Dear Sir,

Towards the end of 2004/ beginning of 2005 I wrote to ask your opinion and advice on my decision to leave my son with my parents to travel to London from Durban and work there for the duration of last year.

You encouraged me to go, stating that if I did not do so I would regret it and that, as long as I knew my son was in a safe environment, I should not allow my life to stand still for him. You even called me from your home to speak to me in this regard (when we spoke you informed me that you were related to Lynette who worked in my building at the time for Advocate John Pammenter).

I wanted to say a HUGE HUGE THANK YOU for all your encouragement. I did work in London for the duration of last year, recently arrived back, and am intending on returning again towards the end of March. My son was indeed no worse off by my decision, in fact my working there allowed me to pay for him to fly to London to visit me, a fantastic and exciting event for a child of 12! I have realised by my decision that I am no longer afraid to travel, that the world may be a huge place, but that I have many many more options available to me now, that I am not afraid to apply to work in other countries, that I would like to try and live abroad (with my son) and work and enjoy another country and their cultures.

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for your advice and encouragement in this regard. I am overwhelmed.

I wish you and your family all the best. Take care, and once again many many thanks!

Kind regards,

COLLEEN

Authentic gains in health in one relationship will have spinoff benefits for your other relationships. Offering your partner greater definition and clarity, standing up to him or her with necessary firmness will offer a generic shift for all your relationships. Defining yourself to your partner will improve the quality of relationship you have with your children. It’s a welcome, often unexpected spinoff. It’s counter-intuitive.

Similarly, if you want your relationship with your boyfriend to improve, develop a deeper bond with your dad. If you are having difficultly with your daughter, look at your relationship with your own mother. You will probably find some clues about how the difficulties are developing.

Members of your Family of origin (you, your parents, siblings, and your children) are intricately connected and the quality of the connection will significantly impact everyone in our circle of influence whether we intend it to or not.

“Our two-year marriage has been rocky. Two weeks ago he left and said he didn’t know how he felt about me. I found out he has been talking to another female for about two months. I have left him alone to give him time to think but I’m ready to know where he is in this. Today I took the opportunity to ask about where his feelings are. He said he had not thought about it much. Talk about a dagger through my heart. He said he was going to start traveling with his job and would be out of town about 8 months out of the year and we ought to throw in the towel. I told him that was not what I wanted but I would respect his decision. I am devastated! I love him and don’t want a divorce. Do you think there is any help for my situation? What do I do next?” (Edited)

He’s living with packed bags. It’s time for you to love yourself enough to want something better. If “better” is to be with your husband it will not be because of anything you do or do not do. Don’t leave your future in the hands of someone who treats you in this manner. Take up your life!