A dad writes….

“Perhaps the thing that surprises me most, among many things that do, about being a dad, is the fact that when my children suffer or are in trouble, it affects me physically. I feel literally ill when my children are ill. I feel pain and distress when my children are discontent. It gets me in the gut in a way I never dreamed possible. It can almost ruin my day just to know one of them is upset. Now you might think I have no boundaries or that I am enmeshed with my children but I would not agree. My children and I are very separate in some ways and very close in other ways. I have a very full life apart from them – so I think I have good boundaries. Yet, we are connected. It is uncanny. I can look at my children and tell you what mood they are in and they can almost do the same with me. I have to work very hard at not letting everything that hurts them make me jump to their rescue. I am embarrassed to say that sometimes I need a break from my children. It’s not that I don’t love them, it is that everything is often so intense.”

“My boss is a married with grown-up children. He told me he is very bored with his marriage. He is interested in me. He told me he needs my help on a business trip next month. What do I tell my husband? I am nervous. I know he has had flings before with women in the office. One older woman told me how he operates. If I don’t cooperate I could lose my job. I’m new and I need the work. He’s the owner of the business.”

Your husband’s support is pivotal as you work at keeping your integrity, marriage, and job (in that order).

Tell your husband about every off-limit employer-employee interaction.

Keep good notes and track, with date, time, and details, every interaction where the conversation goes beyond the realm of work. Such a log will be helpful to show patterns of interactions and assist you to remain objective about what is going on.

When your boss tells you about his marriage counter with, “I don’t know how you will manage your boring marriage but that is really none of my business. I’d like to keep it that way.”

Abusive men usually retreat from strong women, especially if they stand up to them at the first smell of a rat.

There’s a wonderful day ahead for those who choose to enjoy it, to learn from it, to give the best shot at everything.

I’m going to.

I am going to because the alternative is vastly unattractive.

I’m going to put my talents to work, talent that God has placed within me (I believe we each have 7) as an expression of my gratitude.

Join me. Please. Begin by exercising grace (the desire I believe we all have to be an agents of goodwill) to all whom you encounter.

And as we do so may the writers write, the dancers dance, the artist paint and create, and the musicians sing and play at full volume until the world is gleaming with added beauty, joy, and goodness until the music can be widely heard.

Treat your friends and enemies with generosity and humor. Thank those who despise you for their power to transform you into something more beautiful than you already are, and lift your heart to neighbors and friends to express the joy and the thrill of what it means to be fully alive.

Please drop me a note about an act of LEADERSHIP you have witnessed that has demonstrated a leader’s knowledge of this fine art.

(I’ve used “he” simply for easier reading)

1. He has finely developed self-knowledge – he knows his talents and uses them well.
2. He has a high degree of self-awareness – he knows the power he has to impact the lives of others and governs that power with deep respect.
3. He can listen to others without needing to interject his insight, interrupt with his own stories, or follow up with something bigger, better, faster, or more dramatic.
4. He openly admits that he avoids getting involved in areas where he is unskilled and lacking in talent.
5. He makes way for others to get ahead in their careers and for others to be acknowledged.
6. He doesn’t use his insights as a weapon or as a means of manipulation, domination, or intimidation.
7. He is quick to forgive and often does so without needing to be asked.
8. He engages in radical hospitality and commits act of extreme generosity.
9. He focuses on his strengths and fully accepts his weaknesses.

Take time alone (yes, no phone, no computer, no other friends or distractions) so you may come to terms with your part of the failure. You will know you are beginning to be ready for restoration of the relationship when you have moved beyond blaming others and are no longer looking to excuse your behavior. You take full responsibility for your behavior.

While alone, your focus at all times will not be on what someone has done to you but on what you have done to others. You might write a journal, pray, read, and meditate – with each of these activities contributing to helping you find a healthy perspective on what you have done to damage trust in the relationship.

Preparing yourself for restoration, requesting forgiveness, owning up to your part in what failures have occurred, does not mean the person whom you hurt will be ready for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Relinquishing control of where he or she is in his or her journey is an essential part of your journey.