Archive for ‘Voice’

July 12, 2006

He wants sex to see if we are “sexually compatible” before we can go on…

by Rod Smith

Reader’s Question: My boyfriend says we have to have sex to see if we are sexually compatible before he will continue seeing me. What do you think?

Rod’s Answer: What an old and ridiculous line. Move on! Your boyfriend is what I call a “pp” or “penis propelled.” If you really want to assess sexual compatibility it can be done without removing a single item of clothing!

First, compare credit reports and financial statements to see how each of you handles money. How you respect, use and save money, will exert more power over your long-term sexual compatibility than any immediate sexual encounter will indicate. It’s very hard to be passionate, faithful lovers when you are fighting over maxed-out credit cards.

Second: Compare your attitudes toward and your relationships with your immediate family. You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how they respect and appreciate their parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family, or little desire to care for them, are unlikely to be a successful long-term husbands or wives, no matter how good or passionate they might be in a bedroom.

Third: Assess attitudes toward hard work. A shared, healthy attitude and high regard for hard, honest work, will give both of you useful insight into your long-term compatibility much more effectively than will the immediate experimentation with each other’s bodies.

June 29, 2006

Finding your unique voice in ALL your relationships

by Rod Smith

Every person has a voice that is designed, urging, even aching, for complete use and full expression. Some people have allowed their voices to be stolen, silenced or modified and such people might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. There is nothing “spiritual” or humble about giving up your voice — not even God demands your silence!

Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial and even cruelty. This is as true for individuals as it is of entire populations.

Having a voice means exerting your right to see, evaluate, and express who you are, and what you stand for, without apology. It means speaking up. It means telling the world who you are, and what you want. It involves telling the world who you are not and what you will and will not accept or tolerate. It is allowing your life to speak appropriately and boldly, without explanation or excuse.

When you find your voice, you will not allow people to speak for you, decide for you, and prescribe how you feel, think or see the world. Of course, you in turn will not take the voice of another away from them.

It is not loving to give up your voice, or to allow someone else to take your voice from you. People can hardly handle the power of their own voice, let alone handle the voice of two or three others.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if they say they do. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances (like severe illness), to stop someone from expressing who they are. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world through maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent, and nor were you created to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are, and what you have to say when the authentic voice within you is allowed growth and expression.

Part of owning a voice, and using it well involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice in a manner that facilitates others to hear who and what you are and what you have to say.

Please, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered without a voice for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, marriage or job, worthy of your silence.

There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who and what you are. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness, even when and if it is costly to do so.

Loving, good people will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom and admire your talents. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict or contain it. Live fully, love fully, and speak fully – while embracing all the freedom life offers.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who or what they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love; of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed.

If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence, and make your own dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.

June 13, 2006

Entitled, spoilt son (17) — please help: my response / see May 24th, 2006

by Rod Smith

To the father of the entitled teenager (17) who lives rather ungratefully under his parent’s generous roof?

You son is popular with others and therefore he has it within him to have a fulfilling child/parent relationship. At 17 he can enter a meaningful discussion about what’s bothering you. When addressing him, reflect on your experiences as the parent rather than on how unwise or ungrateful you perceive him to be.

It is not too late to refuse to do for him the things he appears to take for granted. Make such a stand understanding he is resourceful enough to get what he needs without you.

Be sure to establish what it is that you want before you try to correct his errant ways. If you really want a meaningful father/son relationship, first establish what that means to you.

“I’d like some time on a weekly basis to talk with you face-to-face,” is reasonable. “You are never home so you can go out once a month,” is probably unreasonable.

Do not fall for the lie that your son’s difficulties are somehow directly related to your failings. Your son is talented and young enough to make his own mistakes. The last thing he needs is a dad who feels responsible for his every error.

June 6, 2006

Am I losing my mind? My life is out of control…

by Rod Smith

Q: I had a miserable childhood and an even more a miserable life. I never get along with my family I am what you call a black sheep. I am now married and have one child. My marriage is on the rocks. My child and career are draining every bit of energy from me. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. My husband has a gambling problem! My credit cards are maxed out and I am trying to pay all the bills. I have no time for myself and even if I tried it still is not enough. I am losing my mind?

A: You have a very good mind and are apparently a high-functioning person: you work, can write a good letter, care for a child while under duress, and so there is always hope.

Redirecting these very skills, I believe you can find the help you need to gain some semblance of control over your destiny. Find a credit counselor at a church or place of worship; join a small group of healthy people who are working on their own lives. Make some legal plans so you are not victim of your husband’s bad habits. Things might start to change when you begin to move beyond victim thinking.

June 5, 2006

Daughter doesn’t want to go back and forth anymore….

by Rod Smith

Since I make it almost essential (occasionally I agree it is inappropriate) for both parents to attend appointments with me (even if the parent are divorced) when the topic is a child, I was faced once again with divorced parents of a young girl. Dad was upset. The daughter, they reported, no longer wants to visit him every second weekend. Dad’s no longer her idol. Mom can’t get her to want her dad. The child misses her friends. Dad’s house is “boring.” All the moving unsettles her.

I suggest the parents consider switching houses every second weekend leaving their child permanently in one home. This way mom and dad would see the daughter as frequently, the child would remain near her friends, and her need to travel back and forth would be eradicated. An added bonus, which is obvious to me, involves the parents getting to know what it is like to live in two places and have to pack up and move every second weekend.

My clients were at first confused, and then furious that I would consider suggesting such disruption to their lives! Of course they had spent very little time considering how much children are “punished” and how significantly children’s lives are disrupted by visiting schedules that appear to be designed solely around the needs of the adults.

May 18, 2006

Difficult or “high maintenance” people

by Rod Smith

(Published in The Mercury – 05/19/06)

Several years ago you wrote about “high maintenance” people and described my then-girlfriend to a T. Please publish it again. It was hard to believe a person who had never met my girlfriend at the time was able to describe her with such accuracy.

Comments come to me as Emails. I will make time if you want to talk.

Comments come to me as Emails. I will make time if you want to talk.

High maintenance people require constant attention and approval. They crave to be the center of almost every conversation and will often become symptomatic (moody, resentful, loud, threatening) when they are not. They analyze every move, thought, word and action of others, and then read more meaning into things (statements, looks, sighs, attitudes) than was ever intended. They are easily hurt, quickly offended, quick to rebuke when they do not get the kind of attention they think they deserve. Threats of withdrawal or desertion become a way of life.

High maintenance people are difficult, sometimes impossible, even in the most relaxed of circumstances. They pick fights, find fault, and personalize almost everything. They argue with people who are closest to them for no apparent reason. They often pick on strangers (waiters, helpers). They often live in a world of cut-off relationships where others are idiots and no one understands.

What can you do if you are in a relationship with a high maintenance person? You can do very little that will not hurt, offend, or get a reaction – but you must make a stand. High maintenance people seldom benefit from pity or patience or empathy. They will only benefit from being constantly challenged to grow up.

May 15, 2006

Ten signs that all is not well with your primary relationship..

by Rod Smith
  1. He/she has excessive unaccounted for mileage on the car and chunks of time and money for which he/she will not account.
  2. He/she hides bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements.
  3. He/she uses lower or different tones on his/her phone when you are around.
  4. He/she is present in body alone because his/her head seems to prefer living or being elsewhere.
  5. You are checking the mileage on the car, clockwatching to know where your he/she is, and counting his/her money to know where every cent goes.
  6. You are rummaging through bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements in an effort to retrace his/her steps.
  7. You are trying to listen to every conversation he/she has with anyone.
  8. You are present in body alone because you spend your waking moments trying to get into his/her head to see what he/she is thinking, feeling, planning, and wishing.
  9. Details for business trips (who, when, why) are obscure or hard to pin down.
  10. Compliments feel like efforts to manipulate; apologies feel like warnings; looking in each other’s eyes feels very unsettling.

  

May 7, 2006

What can I do to make be someone who doesn’t seem to notice me become attracted to me?

by Rod Smith

You might become more seductive, pretend you are wealthier or more educated than you are, change you hair, nose, breasts, accent, interests and lose weight – but none of it will work in helpful ways. Trying to be something you are not, is most unattractive, and nothing you re-create of yourself will be real, convincing, enduring, or – ironically – attractive.

The energy you spend will exhaust you and distort the natural beauty afforded all people. Who you are cannot be successfully hidden for long and hiding behind some fabrication is deceitful and unkind.

If it were possible to do something to make a person become attracted to you, your efforts would have to be more than doubled to maintain that person’s interests.

If you want to increase the possibility of being noticed by healthy people (the unhealthy, who are worth avoiding, are willingly fooled by pretense) master appropriate social skills, personal hygiene; dress well, work hard, be honest, read widely; avoid gossiping and gossips; pursue your faith, loves, skills and interests. Apart from these things, do nothing. Remember: if you think of yourself as bait you might just get eaten!

April 16, 2006

A love story

by Rod Smith

Steve and Ann Reynolds, my neighbors, have been married for 25 years.

Some years ago, Steve and Ann were each aware that Ann deeply wanted to return to university to pursue a Masters Degree. Having four teenagers, careers, and a home, the prospects of one parent assuming a heavy schedule of university classes was not too daunting for Steve or Ann.

Steve told Ann he’d take care of the children’s complicated lives of school, sport and extra-curiccular activities. He agreed to run the home, cook, do the shopping and manage the mass of laundry generated by six people. Steve, apart from working, agreed facilitate all their domestic responsibilities so Ann could focus on her studies – for the next four years!

They did it! With remarkable cooperation from the children, Steve did all he said he’d do (no maid, no yard help) while Ann completed her degree achieving high honors.

It was a pleasure to sit near the family in a packed auditorium and watch a husband, three sons and a daughter, enthusiastically applaud a wife and mother as she walked across the stage at her graduation ceremony. Such enduring cooperation between equal adults, each doing what was best for all concerned, makes a fine demonstration of what being in love is all about.

April 2, 2006

How to know love is real love?

by Rod Smith

Love is not possessive. It does not try to keep you from other important relationships. A person who tries to restrict your freedom does not love despite what he or she might say. Sometimes a possessive person will say, “I am just this way because we are not yet committed,” or “because you are so beautiful.” The truth is that possessive people seldom become less so. Their hold will only increase as you permit it.

Love is not jealous. A person who loves you will celebrate your strengths and successes. A person who loves also applauds you when others do. They work to enhance your popularity with others. Sometimes a jealous person will say, “I am jealous of you because I love you,” or “my jealousy shows I care.” Nonsense. People are jealous for many reasons and it is never a sign of love.

Love is not only a feeling. It is measured in financial, spiritual, and sexual fidelity. The loving person does not play games with your feelings, spend your resources, or keep as a secret from you, matters that pertain to your friendship. Love seeks the highest good of all the people in your family. It has no desire to exclude or separate you from you family.