August 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
I hope I hear from you...
in friendships that are more work than necessary, and have little or no problem cutting ties when a friendship becomes over-taxing, overly demanding or draining. Friendship is supposed to be enjoyable. Thus, whenever any of the following occur in a friendship, I’d suggest it is time to cut and run. I am not at all suggesting the friendship ONLY involves good times. I am suggesting that if a friendship is hard work when it is time for the good times (no present illness, no unusual trauma) then it might be time to move on:
Your friend: (1) Doesn’t want you to have other friends; expresses jealousy through sullenness, withdrawal or antagonism.
(2) Lies to you, about you, or about others.
(3) Expects you to keep “special” secrets or information when the knowledge makes you uncomfortable.
(4) Watches the clock if you are late and interprets your lateness as meaning something about the friendship.
(5) Compares your behavior in one friendship with your behavior in another (“How come you are never this way with your other friends?”).
(6) Expects you to buy into his or her values even when they differ from your values.
(7) Wants or needs to book up your time a long time in advance to make sure your life is planned around his or her life.
(8) Plays games of “hide and seek” to see how much you care or how important the friendship is to you.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Friendship, Meditation, Past relationships, Therapeutic Process, Trust |
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August 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.
“Is it possible to love you without also losing me?” expresses the inevitable tension every close relationship faces.
“Closeness” is not usually a problem for most couples. There is usually an abundance of closeness (being overly connected, intensely joined) resulting in couples being highly reactive to each other, and it is this very closeness and lack of definition between people, that, given some time, becomes uncomfortable for at least one member of the relationship.
Remaining unique, distinct and defined within the relationship is what allows healthy, freeing love to flourish.
If couples worked enduringly at remaining unique (it is never complete) and developed their separateness, while also being deeply involved in a committed relationship, then, I believe, there’d be less need to separate (“I need my space”) at a later time when the closeness inevitably feels claustrophobic and overwhelming.
Loving you is not love if the cost of loving you means losing the essence of who I am.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
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August 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We have been together for almost 8 years and married for 3 and half of those years. He got a new job and wanted to start working out all the time to be more muscular. He also became very distant. If he was present physically he wasn’t mentally. I began suspecting something and he would get angry. I was to go on a ‘girl’s weekend’ and take our 16-month-old little boy and right before I left he told me we should separate. When I came back he said there was another girl. He said he was with her all weekend. They kissed and nothing else happened. He told me he regretted it, began crying and called her and told her they can’t talk any more. I could look into his eyes and knew it wasn’t over and he moved out for a night. The next morning he phoned and said he wanted to come home to his family. Did I make the right choice taking him back or should I make him leave so I can start my life over?” (Shortened)
While one would not condone his behavior – all three of you (husband, wife, son) have a lot of reasons to work at this. Get face-to-face professional help, please!
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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August 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
My husband’s ex-wife seems to take their divorce lightly. There is a need for communication because of my step-daughter, however, she has become almost “too friendly” with me. For instance, she will call me up and say, “How is my ex-husband?” She is also cultivating an affection towards our kids, which makes it feel like she wants to create a psuedo family – that is, be divorced, but be a part of the entire system. In some ways, it is very difficult because it looks like it’s in the spirit of what is best for my step-daughter, yet it is quite awkward. It seems as if she (ex-wife) is needy and has definite boundary issues. I don’t know how to broach it – my husband simply ignores and detatches from her, but I don’t want her to feel rejected. We have common events to attend, not to mention friends from the same circle. Any insight would be appreciated.
ROD’S REPLY: Your husband “ignores and detaches” from his ex-wife and you “don’t want her to feel rejected” but SHE is the one with the boundary issues! I’d suggest the “entire system” (of which she IS a part) could use a boundary tune up. I challenge you both to sit down with her at a venue other than your home and define your marital boundaries so she might reassess how to mother a daughter as one who is divorced from her daughter’s father. Resist blaming this woman for boundary issues when you have hardly done much better at it yourself.
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Triggers, Trust, Voice |
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August 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Stepchildren are not guests in the stepparents’ households but were usually there first. In the eyes of the stepchild, they are not at fault for the mess and were thrown into the disruption. Divorce is a selfish thing. However, this does not mean that they are allowed to run the house, but they need love and kindness from stepparents. I feel very unwelcome in my father’s house. I have not been allowed to have a good relationship with my father, although I have tried everything. I feel disrespected. Children really need to know that both of their parents support them. They need their stepparents to respect and support the (biological) relationship.
“A wise decision for a stepmother is to leave the discipline to the father for a time, until they have established a caring relationship with their stepchild. They need to know their stepparent will allow them to feel comfortable as part of the family and not be excluded because they are not their children. They need to be careful to not come between the child and her biological parent. They need to realize that the child just wants to feel loved and cared for by all. This requires a lot of patience and understanding.” (Edited for space)
Posted in Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Trust, Victims |
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August 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
I am marrying a man who will not let his family take care of themselves. He feels very responsible for them and provides for his mother and sisters even though they do not really need his help. It hurts when he puts them ahead of me and I take second place. When I point this out he says I don’t understand family. What must I do? Will this change once we are married? (Letter considerably shortened and edited)
You have described a loyal man with a strong sense of responsibility, even if his need to care for his family is exaggerated.
Take your focus off him and set your sights on living a full and vibrant life. You want a husband, not a caretaker, and so I suggest you bring the full force of your personality to this relationship.
Do not compete for his attention or test him to see if you are in first or second place regarding his extended family – such behavior is immature and depletes you of the energy you need to live your own complete life. My hunch is, if you allow it, you will get similar dedication once you are married and will find it to be overbearing and controlling.
Posted in Attraction, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Listening, Love, Sex matters, Space, Trust, Voice |
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August 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Our daughter has now been married for three years to her second husband. The marriage has broken down horribly. After one counseling session he refuses to go again. He is totally absorbed in his work, sometimes doesn’t even go to bed at night. He verbally abuses and finds fault with everything our daughter says or does while she is desperately trying to make the marriage work. We have seen a dramatic change in him for the worst. He barely shows any interest in the children or the goings on in the household. Our daughter shares her heartache with us. The children are even feeling the stress in the home. My question: How can we help and how far can we get involved? Up until now we just listen but have not interfered. As parents are deeply religious and we pray every day that a miracle will happen. We want it to work! We are desperate and feel so helpless.” (Edited)
Your son in law seems trapped; your daughter appears to have lost her voice. The miracle will be that both adults find their voice (regain their lives, their dreams) whether remaining married or not. Keep listening. Keep asking her: Is this what you want for you and your children? and What will it take to get what you need?
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Communication, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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July 25, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend (30) and I (26) are having problems. We met in 2004 and in 2006 he asked me to marry him in December 2007. We moved in together and made wedding plans and I went to buy my wedding dress. In May he put the wedding on hold for financial reasons. Then he lost his job and I have being supporting us and now he wants to move home to his mom. The problem there is that he is not used to battling. Now I feel when he asked his mom if he could come home she should have refused because he had moved out to start his life with me and he must try and make it work. Now he is not interested in finding a job. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He doesn’t seem interested in us anymore. Everyone says I must leave him because he is not treating me right and doesn’t seem interested in going through with the wedding.” (Letter edited)
“Everyone” is correct. If preparing for your wedding is not a somewhat fulfilling and exciting time, being married will certainly not be. Let him go home to his mother – it sounds like they deserve each other. Cut all ties. You are better of without him.
Posted in Attraction, Trust, Voice, Young Love |
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July 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My marriage is in deep trouble. I am really at my wits end to save it. In addition to some communication problems, my wife also indicated that she gets attracted to stable and successful men, but when she is in the relationship that stable environment smothers her and she wants to run. I do not dominate her and I support her with what ever she requires.”
You wife is sufficiently insightful to see the source of her issue is not you, her husband, but the presence you represent. Your presence (and success) triggers her desire to take flight from what she initially find desirable. Your challenge is to remain steadfast in your love and your commitment while remaining sufficiently separate (giving her “space”) all at the same time. This is not easy.
Your wife’s feelings emerge from a cavern deep inside her history and the ultra-complex psychology each of us brings to every relationship. I’d suggest you trigger, by your nearness, the uncomfortable memory of times she felt emotionally cornered, trapped, and powerless. Your wife needs space, not abandonment. She is insightful, and I hope sufficiently motivated to get through this, but you will be of no help if you try to push or maneuver the process.
Posted in Attraction, Love, Marriage, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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May 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. Loving others when you are not loved in return
2. Working in your family’s business
3. Being a preacher or pastor’s son or daughter
4. Marrying someone with children (and doubly so when you have children too)
5. Completing (coming to terms with, finding peace after) a divorce
6. Accepting your children’s step-parent(s)
7. Forgiving unfaithfulness
8. Digging yourself out of debt
9. Surviving as alcoholic or mentally ill parent
10. Facing prolonged or severe illness in yourself or your family
11. Being deceived by someone you love
12. Teaching and training your memory and your imagination to serve you well
13 – 20 are from Nancy Axelrad http://www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com/
13. Laying down your life for others
14. Enduring trials and suffering without faith in Christ
15. Leaving the one you cannot bear to be away from
16. Marrying for the wrong reasons
17. Marrying for the right reasons but life happens
18. You see good marriages flourish while you still wait for Mr./Ms. Right
19. You cannot have the children you want
20. Living in a ghetto of unfulfilled dreams
21. Weight loss (Anthony Lombardo)
(add your own through “comments” and I will be happy to add them to the list)
Write to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or visit www.DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Children, Trust, Young Love |
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