February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My girlfriend was very sexually active before we met. Jealousy often rages in me. She won’t tell me about any of her past relationships and it feels to me like she still prefers other men.
ROD’S REPLY: I predict that the more this eats at you, the more you will want to know. The more she tells you, 0r refuses to tell you, the more you will ask. Every detail she divulges will haunt you, and finally, your obsessions will silence her. When she is silenced, you will claim that she has something to hide or that she still has “feelings” for some guy she probably no longer even knows. This is your issue, not hers.
Shakespeare did not call jealousy the “the green eyed monster” for nothing. Try to get over it. If you want this relationship to grow in a healthy manner, you had better understand what is, and is not, your business. Jealousy over relationships that predate you is unreasonable. Her behavior then, is none of your business, now.
I’d suggest you focus on trying to be a little less controlling. My guess is that were this not the issue, you’d be jealous about something else.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Differentiation, Domination, Forgiveness, Past relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence |
6 Comments »
February 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Please help me! I’m so confused, hurt, depressed and sick to my stomach. My husband and I just had this emotional break down. I cried. He cried. For months I have been trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. We haven’t been making love like we used to. We were all over eachother. We have been married for four years and have a 4 year old daughter. I expected some decline in our sex but not this much. I would talk to him and he would say he was tired and would try harder. He never did. This went on for a good couple of months. Until just this morning we were talking. He broke down in tears. He finally said, ‘You don’t turn me on anymore.’ UGH! Dagger in my heart and my ego. He doesn’t want a divorce. He still loves me with all his heart but how do we stay together and exist together if I don’t turn him on?” (Letter shortened)
Divorce? This is no reason for a divorce. You have a daughter and many years ahead of you to work this out. Methinks you are too close. Some space between you (not separation) would do you both some good.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Divorce, Re-marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Trust, Victims, Voice |
38 Comments »
January 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
“To the so-called “friend” (You and Me, January 15, 2007) who wants to tell my husband about my ‘affair’ all I can say is that you are not friend enough to know the facts. You are an acquaintance but I would not describe you as my friend.
“To the outside world we are getting divorced because an illness. The truth is far harder to accept and far harder for me to have lived through. I have been controlled and manipulated to the point where I have lost my own identity and self worth. I was forbidden from joining groups or societies that shared my interests, forbidden from joining a church group, forbidden from joining a gym or running club or any exercise group, forbidden from seeing my friends or going out alone.
“You have no idea of the anguish, misery and heartache I have lived through because I have never considered you friend enough to know the intimate details. The small things I have let slip to you about my unhappiness resulted in condemnation from you, and no sympathy, empathy or support. My true friends were there when I needed them and as such know the truth.” (Letter shortened)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
December 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband always says how much he loves me claims he lets me do whatever I want. But the reality is that he is disparaging and condescending. I feel I am trapped in a relationship with someone who is totally at odds with my personality. I never discuss anything meaningful with him for fear that he will criticize it. He is also very critical of the children. His discipline is very blame-oriented. He seems to be very angry all the time that the world and everyone in it doesn’t behave according to his criteria of right and wrong, and he is completely dismissive of the idea that different people can have different ideas about what right and wrong are. He always says, ‘There are objective criteria that everyone agree on.’ Sometimes I fantasize that he will die but of course I feel horribly guilty about having such thoughts. I imagine if I admitted such thoughts to him he would leave me but I could never admit them – it makes me sound like an insane and evil person. Is it possible that he is really not that bad and I am the one with the coping problem?” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
I’d suggest you get face-to-face (wiser than you have already had) counsel as soon as possible. You are trapped in a crazy-making cycle that will have you convinced that you are the one who is out of sync with reality. Please read Anna Quindlin’s BLACK AND BLUE. Make personal contact with me through the web. I have no idea what country you are in but I am real and I will listen. Go to www.DifficultRelationships.com to see how it is set up for you talk directly with me.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Family, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
October 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My wife is a very difficult person who wants everything her way or she punishes the family in harsh and secretive ways. She gives the impression that she is selfless and giving but in reality it is all about her. I am a very faithful man but I do understand why men have affairs. There is no warmth in our home (from her) so you can only imagine how cold our bedroom is! I stay for my children’s sake and also because I committed to be married “until death us do part.” I can honestly say I have tried to salvage this marriage and all I get back are the vibes of disapproval from an angry woman. She says she doesn’t want to be married but she also doesn’t want to get divorced. (Letter paraphrased)
I hope both of you consider what this marriage is teaching the children about love and life. Stand up to your wife and expose her passive-aggressive ways! You sound like one who is victimized and intimidated by his wife and his circumstances. I challenge you to want much more from your marriage than you are apparently getting. What is it about you that you are willing to settle for so little?
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Children, Communication, Domination, Marriage, Spousal abuse, Victims |
23 Comments »
October 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: “I don’t believe my spouse had a sexual affair, but he definitely was too involved with a female coworker. I just found out that they have been talking on the phone for the past 16 months (January 05 to May 06) behind my back. They talked every morning and two and three times every night, and then on weekends. He says they are just friends and they talked about ‘work and general stuff.’ I know everyone he works with, and all his friends. I even know this woman, yet I never heard one conversation they had in those 16 months. He says I need to put it in perspective and move on. He has ended their communications and has apologized for his ‘transgression.’ So yes, I consider myself ‘cheated on.’ If she is such a friend, why isn’t this friendship shared with me and his family like every other friendship we’ve had?”
Rod Responds: Your reasoning is superb, and your question utterly valid. I hope your husband values the treasure he has in you, his wife. Any friendship consuming the time and energy you have described is most certainly not a healthy liaison. That it ever had to be secret is the largest and most glaring red flag.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Space, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
May 25, 2006
by Rod Smith
I am a single woman attracted to a married man. We work for the same company. I can see he is lonely and I want to be his friend. He makes eye contact with me but he is uncomfortable about talking to me. Should I meet him where I know he has lunch? (Question submitted online)
You are a relationship piranha. Find ways to address your own loneliness that are not at the expense of a man, his wife and children. The loneliness you perceive within this person is a projection of your very selfish motives. Even if he is lonely, his emotional well-being is absolutely none of your business. You are employed to do your job, not meet the emotional needs of strangers, and not wreck marriages.
Stay away from this man who is (thankfully) uncomfortable with your deceitful advances. Even if you did run into him for lunch, and even if you did alleviate his apparent loneliness, and even if you did start an on-going relationship with him, it would all be based on lies and deception. Since you have already established that you are a dishonest woman I question whether this would be important to you.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Family, Love, Spousal abuse |
27 Comments »
May 18, 2006
by Rod Smith
(Published in THE MERCURY, 05/18/06)
Partner abuse is not restricted to physical abuse. This is misleading. Emotional and psychological abuse, while not requiring visits to the hospital, can be as equally devastating as domestic violence. It (emotional abuse) IS also Domestic Violence.
If your relationship drains your self-esteem, isolates you, feels more like a prison sentence than a loving relationship, it is likely you are in a controlling, abusive relationship.
If any one of the following is true I’d suggest you get immediate outside help:
1. When you talk about your feelings your partner railroads the discussion and gives you no time to think or express yourself.
2. You can’t discuss what is bothering you for fear of things getting out of hand.
3. Your partner criticizes, humiliates and undermines you.
4. He or she ridicules you when you express yourself and ridicules your family and friends.
5. He or she keeps you “in line” by withholding money, the car, the phone.
6. He or she has stolen from you and run up debts for you to handle.
7. He or she has thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you, opens and reads your mail, checks your phone bill and reads your emails.
8. You are often afraid of the person you are supposed to be closest to.
Posted in Anger, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Sexual abuse, Space, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence |
18 Comments »
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