February 15, 2010
by Rod Smith
Love her mother....
(former Durban City soccer star) wrote to me this week. Celebrating the joys of parenting of his infant daughter triggered his reminiscing: “You never taught me how to do this,” said his brief note referring to when I was his school teacher. You are correct, Grant. There isn’t curriculum that can effectively teach you to be a dad. Nonetheless Grant, here are a few challenges:
1. Dedicate yourself to your daughter to the same degree you enjoyed the dedication of your own mother and father. You could not have had better parents.
2. Love, serve, and honor your partner. Loving your child’s mother is the single most powerful way you can love your daughter.
3. Be as committed to honesty with your child as you were with others when you were a boy.
4. Don’t let the mundane, but necessary, tasks wear the joy out of you. Babies need fun more than they need clean nappies.
5. Go away for an overnight and a full day often with your daughter – just the two of you. Get no help packing or planning from anyone.
6. Finally, leave the teaching to your daughter. She will teach you how to be her dad more effectively anything you will ever teach her.
(Name used with permission)
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Friendship, Listening, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice, Womanhood |
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December 23, 2009
by Rod Smith
Some things are overrated for their power to shape people. Before I am barraged with mail, kindly note I am not suggesting these things are not important. I am suggesting they are offered more power to heal or hurt than appropriate:
1. Parenting: While of course it is important parents do all they can to be good parents, do the right and loving thing, and be available to help and correct and love their young – multiple factors influence and shape children into adults. Thank God my children are infinitely more than, much more, than a product of my parenting.
2. Empathy: Counselors spend much time developing their ability to embrace the experience of the client – as if understanding the client, feeling what the client feels, is in itself the silver bullet of greater mental health. Empathy is not, in itself, a useful end. Thank God my professors offered me personal challenges, invited me to embrace change, while also attempting to understand and embrace my experience.
3. Childhood: I believe our self-help culture has managed to convince the masses that, pivotal to ensuring healthy adulthood, is a happy childhood. While no one in their right mind desires an unhappy childhood for any child, an unhappy childhood does not preclude a person from a full, purposeful, and prosperous adulthood. Look around you: many men and women with the most troubled of childhoods have risen above it all and changed the world – for good.
Posted in Adolescence, Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships |
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November 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
“How do I get back into a cordial relationship with an adult son who has cut off from me because HE is abusive and angry. When we have had time it blows up in my face and he calls me the worst terms I have ever heard. He is single and lives alone. I am remarried after the death of my first wife, the mother of my only son.”
Call him. Arrange to meet for limited time periods (15 to 30 minutes) at a well-patronized restaurant. Tell him when you are making the arrangements, that you are missing him, and would like to see him but are unwilling to be subject to his negative behavior. Tell him why you are choosing a public venue. If he refuses to meet, you will know he is not yet ready to meet you face-to-face and abide with your terms. Give it a month or two and repeat the offer. As tough as it is not to see you son, while you allow yourself to be his victim, your relationship will not shift and improve for either of you.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, Parenting/Children, Voice |
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November 16, 2009
by Rod Smith
Size matters...
I’ve seen many families where the children are “bigger” than the parents. The children’s needs, wants, and desires appear to determine almost everything. The parents’ needs are continually ignored while every desire the children become the parents’ marching orders.
Of course parents willingly sacrifice for their children, but in families with “super-sized” children, the imbalance becomes burdensome.
I have seen children pitch a fit, stamp and storm – when a parent makes a legitimate request of the child, or has to alter a minor plan, or must pursue a detour, which the child perceives as hindering his or her freedom, creativity, rights, or friendships.
Such toxic parent/child binds can drain all the enjoyment out of family life.
When a mother or a father sees the light (acknowledges his or her indulgence of the child, can see the child is unpleasant) and tries to bring the child down to an appropriate size, the child will understandably resist. Resistance can become ugly.
“Un-spoiling” a child is no easy task: it is better not to worship children in the first place.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Space, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Triangles, Violence, Voice |
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November 10, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My in-laws spoil my children. The kids don’t close their mouths after talking about something they want and off go grandma and grandpa to buy it. I did not grow up this way and I don’t want it for my children. Please help.” (Email not gender specific)
Timing is everything...
Although you have not hinted at the possibility, do not ask your spouse to be the messenger to his or her parents. You are the one feeling and expressing the frustration, and so this is an issue that is yours to directly handle.
Second: Speak up, and do so without alienating your in-laws. This requires great skill, an advanced sense of timing, and a great deal of poise on your part. Choose a time when anxiety is low – a time when you are all feeling good about life and each other.
Third: if you are successful, your in-laws will thank you for your insight and somewhat refrain from excessive shopping. You will need to remind them (playfully) of your chat several times over the course of a year.
Fourth: If you are unsuccessful, everyone will end up on bad terms, your in-laws won’t shop for the children again and your children and spouse will be as frustrated with you as you are with your in-laws.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Parenting/Children |
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October 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My son (12) and my daughter (14) don’t like their stepmother but when they play their cards right for her she buys them stuff. I don’t like to see my children manipulating to get things from her. Should I step in and say something? We are not really on good terms with each other.”
Let then be...
that the challenges I will place before you are most difficult to achieve – but I repeat: parenting is for grown ups; successful co-parenting is for saints. So…
Do all you can to get on good terms with the other woman who is co-parenting your children. I am not suggesting you become bosom pals but “cordial adults” would be a helpful arrangement for all concerned.
Avoid stepping into the mix with your children and their stepmother. All three have a lot to teach each other. Approaches from you will hinder the process. While no parent wants to see his or her children develop manipulative habits, this is a matter for you to directly address with your children. Your children will manipulate if it works, and will not, if it doesn’t. Take care of how they treat you, and allow their stepmother to discover her own unique relationship with her stepchildren.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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October 22, 2009
by Rod Smith
I am convinced that no matter how rough a person’s past is, or how traumatized the present might be, or how bleak or absent possibilities might seem, there is always hope for a more fulfilling future. Today I shall be an agent of hope.
I am convinced that no one is thoroughly bad (there is something redeemable in the “worst” of humanity) and no one is thoroughly good (everyone must combat his or her own “dark” side). Today I will offer guarded trust to all whom I meet.
I am convinced that while in the depths of the bleakest of circumstances, loneliness, and pain, some people attempt to display a brave front. Today I will be an agent of kindness to those who have to hide their deep pain.
I am convinced that my own happiness and fulfillment will be incomplete while it is at the expense of my integrity, while it requires someone else to lose, while it is contingent on darkness or deceit. I will live honestly and without manipulation.
I am convinced that conflict is a necessary part of fulfillment and integral to love. Today I will readily engage in helpful conflict that I may learn to love others more deeply than I have done before.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery, Single parenting, Space, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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August 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am recently divorced and left my marital home with my son (4). The ex still lives in our marital home. He and his girlfriend (the reason for the divorce) and her kids spend most of their time at this house and so does my son. My son is acting out and wants us to go back home. It’s so difficult for me to make him understand we can’t go back. I love this child who is my absolute life but he seems to want to be with his dad rather than me. This hurts so much. I don’t know if I can cope much longer with him always crying for his dad. He cries for me when he’s with his dad and cries for his dad when he’s with me. He’s also turning into quite a manipulator like telling me that he won’t have breakfast if I don’t take him to his dad. Please help.”
India
Your son is trying his best to “communicate” how he is feeling… unfortunately, divorce is not something he will understand until he is older. You and his father must come to an agreement about how to put his needs first.
USA
This is difficult for you to grasp yet you want a four-year-old to get it! Increase your capacity to tolerate his pain while decreasing your dependence on his love. The boy wants to go home – don’t make it about preference of one parent over another.
ACT, Australia
distressed because of the divorce. His behavior is about what’s happening NOT because he prefers you or your husband. Really strong loving boundaries are needed for him in this painful transition.
Scotland
Your son really isn’t a happy little chap, his life is insecure and unpredictable. He ‘acts out’ because he can’t ‘speak out’. You and your husband must work together to provide stability for him.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Voice |
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July 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Our son of fifteen is not a problem child, but does not do well with schoolwork. His projects are slapdash; he leaves everything to the last minute. If a project is due one week in advance he works on it the night before. He drives us to destruction. He loves sport and attends school only for that reason I am sure. What do we do? “
India
If your son thrives in doing his work even at the last minute, encourage him in his areas of strength. I myself found that I was a procrastinator in school and did well even though I always crammed in the last minute for my tests or assignments. For some people, that works. Teens live with so much more pressure than ever before. And I do not envy what they have to go through one bit. So if sports are what keep him in school, terrific! Unlike so many other young people, your son has found something positive that encourages him to stay in school. I say be his number one cheerleader, and trust the values you’ve taught him will work out in his personal, unique journey.
Midwest, USA
that rewards him if he completes his assignments well and on time. If he enjoys sport create the system around his love of sport. Devise a contract where, if he spends a certain amount of time a day on his homework, then he would be allowed to spend the rest of the day doing sport. Decide together what grades he needs and create rewards when he reaches them. They must be achievable and also flexible. Find out what interests him and arrange a work experience in the field where he can spend time in the real world. Provide opportunities for him to discover where his passions and abilities lie and this alone may encourage him to improve his performance. It’s his life, therefore his responsibility, but guidance from parents is very important.
Posted in Adolescence, Difficult Relationships, Education, Parenting/Children |
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July 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
Speak up....
When Thulani was about nine months old we once entered the USA through LAX.
A roaming immigration officer met us in the line.
“Papers!” he demanded without looking at me.
“I beg your pardon,” I said.
“Papers? Passports? Where’s the mother?” he said.
“Sir,” I said, “The courts in Indiana decided that the whereabouts of my son’s mother is no one’s business.”
The officer stormed off with our passports, only to return to repeat the question.
“I have told you,” I said. “Now, tell me officer,” I continued, “What are your worst fears?”
I pointed out that the legitimacy of the passport ought to calm his worst fears. Getting a little more than irritated I noted:
“I can’t figure out if this is sexism or racism? You’re not checking other parents and babies. Is it you can’t imagine a man traveling with a young baby or it is that we are different colors. Both will make a good story for Time,” I suggested.
Then, having slept through all this in a backpack on my back, Thulani awoke.
“Dadadadadadadadaaaa,” he said into my ear and the official stuffed our passports into my hands and left us alone.
He never did answer my questions.
Posted in Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Voice |
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