January 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend of 8 months and I are very much in love. He speaks of marriage. I can only assume that we will head that way in the near future. When we met he was still legally married although living apart from his wife. Despite some hesitation I went forward with my relationship trusting divorce was what he wanted. The divorce is now almost final. They have a three-year-old daughter and we have grown very close. I love her. She is so sweet and loving. My boyfriend says she asks for me. I have felt it would be appropriate for me to meet the mother because I am around her daughter so much which I assume will continue. I mentioned this to my boyfriend he was hesitant and I let it go. My boyfriend says “she is not the nicest person” and “you’ll meet her when the time is right!? Am I wrong?” (Letter edited – all posts are “cut” to about 200 words)
It is appropriate, and essential, that you meet the child’s mother since you (I assume) will co-parent the child. But methinks you are assuming too much (regarding his desire to marry you). Your future is far too valuable to be left to hopes and assumptions.
Posted in Children, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Voice |
5 Comments »
December 19, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband says he doesn’t love me during a heated argument argument and then he later retracts it. I walk away wondering just how much he really meant it. Then I begin to reflect on our 21-year marriage and get lost in what is, what isn’t, and what never had a chance to be. I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is I want a really great love in my life and I am running out of time.” (Minimally edited for clarity)
“Least said, soonest mended” is the wise adage. If your husband could learn to contain his angry words a little, and you learned to believe him a little less when he is in such a state, you’d both have a chance to grow into the kind of “great-love” experience you have tucked somewhere in your dreams.
Please read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It really is the most perfect book for people who want more from marriage and life. A business man recently thanked me for suggesting he read the Schnarch book. “Finally a book about relationships an engineer can love!” he said.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 17, 2006
by Rod Smith
My girlfriend an I are from two very different faiths, and cultures, and race groups – but we do speak the same language! We met at work and we naturally kept our relationship quiet at first knowing that our respective families would probably disapprove of our association. After two years we have both met families on both sides and her family is more accepting of me than mine is of her. We (her family and my family) are not overly religious yet everyone warns us about marriage and says it will not work because of our many faith and cultural differences. What do you think?
I am sure there are many “inter-faith” couples who can testify to the pleasures and rewards, and the pain and the difficulties that accompany such marriages. While your faith may not seem important to you at present, matters of faith (and the contrasts between your faiths) are likely to be accentuated when weddings are planned, when babies are born and named, when schools are selected, and when children celebrate rites of passage.
Be cautious. Seek counsel from persons who represent each of your respective faiths. While all relationships are tough and require dedication, an interfaith, cross-cultural relationship might test the strength of even the most profound of romantic love.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Listening, Marriage |
1 Comment »
December 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Yesterday my mother (62) told us (three adult children) that she is planning to get married again and my father has only been deceased 18 months. This news was not well received even though we all know and like the man she is dating. Her relationship has been seeing a man very hush hush over the past eight months because she was afraid of our response. How can I get her to see this is a bad move on her part since our father is only so recently gone?
Trust your mother. Get behind her. No wonder your mother has had to be “hush hush” about her love life. Her adult children are not ready for her to find new happiness. Affirm her courage.
I’d suggest you summons your siblings to a meeting where you each apologize for your role in driving her “underground” with her love-life. After you have apologized, announce your love and support for your mother as a separate adult person who is able to make good, wise decisions about her life and her future.
Welcome her new-found love into your extended family with joy and kindness.
Posted in Attraction, Listening, Marriage, Re-marriage, Stepfather, Stepmother, Voice |
5 Comments »
October 24, 2006
by Rod Smith
People in Healthy Families:
1. Are spontaneous, creative, courageous, and forgiving
2. Are full of humor and laughter
3. Put people ahead of careers
4. Readily face tough issues when they arise
5. Support each other in their endeavors, and want each other to succeed
6. Believe in each other and speak highly of each other
7. Are not overly focused on each other to the point that anyone feels overcrowded
8. Can get time apart, without falling apart
9. Place a high regard on integrity in every way
10. Resist jealousy
11. Resist rescuing each other
12. Are not afraid to give children loving discipline and correction
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Single parenting, Step parenting, Teenagers |
Leave a Comment »
October 17, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I wish my ex-husband were more involved in our children’s lives. He pays child support without fail and he sends birthday presents and he phones the children but he doesn’t see them very often. Even though he lives in another town it is not that far for him to come and see them but he only comes down about once a month. The children get so excited to see him but I just wish they could see him more often. He is re-married and has two more children.”
It appears that your ex-husband is meeting his financial obligations and is keeping in contact with his children. This is to be applauded. Of course you (and the children) would like his greater involvement with the children, but it appears that this is something over which you have no control.
Try to keep your focus upon being the healthiest mother you can be given the circumstances you find yourself in with your children. It is understandable that you might readily reflect upon what their father is or is not doing, but this will not do you or the children any good.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Recovery |
1 Comment »
October 16, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I am dating a woman who has three children (8, 13, 15) from a marriage that ended long ago. She is determined to be a good friend to her ex-husband. This means the ex-husband is almost always in the picture and it seems like he is still part of the family. I am uncomfortable with this. It feels like they have never really divorced in some ways. Please help.” (Paraphrase of a much longer letter)
Get out of the middle!
No matter how much love you may develop for each other, as father of the children, her ex is going to be a part of the family equation. Any attempts, on your part, to interfere, or restrict his involvement, will come back to haunt only you. If the day comes that she wants to lessen her contact with him, I’d suggest it be at her initiation, not yours. I am fully aware that this may seem “off the wall” to many, but if you, the new man in the children’s lives, try to construct the dynamics according to your will, it will all begin, over time, to cave in on you. Leave any social re-organizing to the woman whom you are dating and offer her all the support she needs in facing her very tough task.
Posted in Children, Communication, Divorce, Family, Marriage, Re-marriage |
40 Comments »
October 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
“This morning’s column (12/10/06) is the plaintive cry of another emotionally abused partner. Every time I hear the words ‘I stay because of the children’ I want to be sick. Thank goodness you pointed out that such a relationship is bad for the children. Thank you for asking the question: ‘What is it about you that you are willing to settle for so little?’ I hope this gets the writer of the letter thinking about the quality of his life and all the opportunities to be happy he is missing.”
Chime in, please...
by the false front of security offered by warring parents who remain in pathological marriages supposedly for their sake. It is usually hard to leave any marriage, and, while the “for the children” reason sounds noble, it is often a cop out for the partner who is willing to settle for less from life than life offers. Leaving any marriage takes courage, but staying in the marriage, and achieving something worthwhile within the marriage probably requires more courage. This, of course, is only suggested if the marriage is free of violence and other forms of abuse.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Love, Marriage, Victims, Voice |
60 Comments »
October 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My wife is a very difficult person who wants everything her way or she punishes the family in harsh and secretive ways. She gives the impression that she is selfless and giving but in reality it is all about her. I am a very faithful man but I do understand why men have affairs. There is no warmth in our home (from her) so you can only imagine how cold our bedroom is! I stay for my children’s sake and also because I committed to be married “until death us do part.” I can honestly say I have tried to salvage this marriage and all I get back are the vibes of disapproval from an angry woman. She says she doesn’t want to be married but she also doesn’t want to get divorced. (Letter paraphrased)
I hope both of you consider what this marriage is teaching the children about love and life. Stand up to your wife and expose her passive-aggressive ways! You sound like one who is victimized and intimidated by his wife and his circumstances. I challenge you to want much more from your marriage than you are apparently getting. What is it about you that you are willing to settle for so little?
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Children, Communication, Domination, Marriage, Spousal abuse, Victims |
23 Comments »
October 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
In relationships:
Toxic patterns, abuse, excessive use of alcohol, lying, anger, jealousy, infidelity, to name a few, seldom improve without intervention, but will only increase in intensity, without some form of disruption. Unless toxic, or destructive patterns are addressed, they will only grow.
Self-definition, being willing to declare who and what you are, and what you want from a relationship, will be a healthy exercise even if, at first, such action seems fraught with potential to ruin a relationship. Any relationship that demands a person “tone down” who and what they are, is probably not a healthy one.
Forgiveness is not based on who is wrong or right. The stronger partner, or the one with the insight that forgiveness is necessary, is the one who takes the initiative toward forgiving. Problems arise when one partner is always expected to be the one initiating forgiveness. In this case, a relationship is lacking equality, mutuality, and respect: something deeper is amiss.
Regular sexual activity is a vital part of any marriage, well beyond childbearing years, and ought to be as important to both persons, and as central to both persons as are the mutual planning of finances, the mutual support of the children’s education and as important for a couple as regular worship at church, temple or synagogue.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Trust |
Leave a Comment »
difficultrelationships.com 