Archive for ‘Friendship’

April 29, 2023

Calm down

by Rod Smith

What will it take for you to calm down and be less anxious? 

Your answer will almost certainly include another person or something from outside of yourself if you are given to anxiety.  

“I’ll calm down when he gets a job.” 

“I’ll calm down when his ex-wife is out of our lives.” 

“I will calm down when the house repairs are complete.” 

The minute we loop others in and believe their behaviors are the reason we are anxious, our anxious state will be at their mercy. 

I’d suggest you can calm yourself down even if he never gets a job or his ex wife never stops interfering and if the house repairs take another five years.. 

The keys to calmness, to reducing anxiety, are within our grasp and not in the hands of others. 

Rise above yourself. 

Get a “bird’s eye” view of your life. 

Become an expert in your behaviors. 

Look at how and why you choose to do the things you do and make necessary changes even if they displease others. 

These are vital steps in modifying your behavior and in reducing your anxiety and therefore calming down.

Calming down is a life-long process, a life-style of self-management, of assuming personal responsibility for who and what we are. 

You will wait forever if you wait for others to do what you alone can only do for yourself.

April 25, 2023

What does love look like….?

by Rod Smith

Love is seeking another person’s highest good, every time, day in and day out. It’s holding nothing back if it’s in the highest interests of whomever you love. 

Love is being willing to be unpopular because some truth is tough to hear and receive. It is being willing to be corrected by the people you love when they think you are wrong or need correction. 

Love is finding legitimate ways to earn the extra money needed to protect and educate and serve the people whom you love. 

Love is thousands of loads of laundry for the baby and then toddler and a young boy or girl and then it’s  teaching young  teenager to do his own.

Love is dealing with men and women who will tell you you are a bad parent for not giving rules and not checking phones or monitoring teenage behavior as if your teenage son or daughter cannot be trusted to exercise good judgment. Their unsolicited scoldings clearly mean they do not trust themselves or their own children.

Love is being committed to telling you the truth as lovingly and as efficiently as possibly. 

Love is learning to love and embrace and fully accept the people whom your loved ones love.

April 14, 2023

The Poetry of Healthy Relationships

by Rod Smith

I am I

You and You

We are We

Let Us not ConFuse 

The Three 

(Rod Smith 4/12/2023)

April 2, 2023

Welcome to a new week…..

by Rod Smith

At the start of a new work week may I offer you encouragement?

Stop hiding who you are behind a desire to be accepted or to fit in. 

Let people know who you are and what you want. 

This does not mean you have to be pushy or overbearing. 

In both strong and subtle ways define yourself. 

Leave little up to guesswork. 

Do this, even if you start in very small and incremental ways, with the people you are close to and to the people whom you love. This may take some people by surprise and even catch them off guard, but the people who love you will be delighted to hear your voice.   

You will immediately begin to feel less anxious when you begin to define yourself. As you advocate for yourself, even in the smallest of ways, you will begin to like what you see and what you feel and think, and you will grow even more beautiful than you already are. If you have been a “I just fit in with others” or “I hate conflict” kind of person you will begin to notice you will have lower levels of anxiety as you reverse your “fit in” and “avoid conflict” tendencies and allow your personality and your wishes to emerge and ultimately shine.

Welcome to a great week.

March 30, 2023

Be the adult you want your children to be

by Rod Smith

Today, and every day, try to be the adult you hope your children will become. How else will they learn what it means to be an adult? Who else will teach them?

Try to stop blaming the teachers, coaches, or the school for your child’s every challenge, difficulty, or hurdle. Blame restricts maturing, yours and theirs.

Try to stop blaming the government, the economy, or prejudice for every distress or dilemma you face, unless you think blame will be a good tool for your child to take into adulthood. If you want your children to be adults who take responsibility for their lives then show them how it’s done. Your children won’t forget your temper tantrums no matter how young they may be; and they will probably emulate them.

Demonstrate, by your own display of excellent manners, the manner in which you hope your child will navigate life and relationships. It is true, they are going to watch and learn from multiple sources, but you are their primary resource when it comes to how they will respect and treat others. Little eyes are watching.

Respect, visit, and be kind to the elderly so they know exactly how to do it when it’s your turn.

Dismiss no one; look down on no one. Young eyes and ears are absorbing how to be in the world, and we, we parents, are the primary teachers.

March 28, 2023

Two stoops or more…..

by Rod Smith

“Writing in the sand” is a strong metaphor for me.

My usage is in reference to a New Testament moment. 

When confronted by men who desire to trap him, Jesus twice stoops to draw or to write in the sand. 

Theologians have postulated much on what it was he wrote or drew.

I believe he was “steel-ing” himself. He was readying himself for a strong, suitable reply to what may have appeared to bystanders to be an impossible dilemma. Jesus was thinking, mulling things over, reminding himself of his calling and the power that was his and and was not his. 

He was doing what you and I are called to do when faced with dilemmas, complex or  easy. 

When we take time to write or draw in the sand we give ourselves the time we need to consider many options when we make decisions. 

Taking the time offers time for increased perspectives. 

He was no loose cannon and we know how damaging they can be. 

I have been writing or drawing in the sand for months, designing and planning suitable responses to tough situations. 

It has taken me far more than two stoops and I know I will make many more. 

But, I will emerge and act on decisions made while stooping these many times and drawing in the sand.   

March 26, 2023

Fully adult?

by Rod Smith

I believe we are fully adulthood when: 

We can be authentic with all people, including our parents, treating all others respectfully as equals, despite rank, position or the apparent lack of it.

We respect mutuality and equality, and want both in all of our relationships.

We have acknowledged our hurts, grieved appropriately, and decided to live to the fullest. 

We can delay gratification.

We have stopped blaming others for the condition of our lives, especially our parents. 

Ambiguity, mystery, and uncertainty are allies, not enemies. We can hold seemingly conflicting thoughts and beliefs without becoming unsettled.

We are able to recognize when and how we were victimized but no longer think, speak, feel, or behave like victims.

We have a small group of people to whom we talk about almost everything, but feel no compulsion to tell anyone everything.

We stop apologizing for things for which we could never be held responsible and efficiently clear up misunderstandings. 

We can see that all things are related and are therefore hesitant to apply quick solutions to complex problems. We respect the law of unexpected consequences.

We learn to appreciate and love “the moment” rather than live as if we are perpetually waiting for a day when things will be better.

We can perceive when others do not have our best interests at heart yet remain appropriately engaged with such people.

March 25, 2023

Ubuntu – seeking your help

by Rod Smith

Help me write about this please, fellow southern Africans…. .. help me capture a concept…… correct me where I’m incorrect.

Of course such ideals are commercialized and misunderstood and misused. Such perverse uses does not render the initial ideals as invalid:

Ubuntu is a Zulu word.

Many Zulus, and descendants of Zulus of southern Africa hold sacred the ancient concept of Ubuntu. It captures a lore of hospitality, openness, and the power of community, the necessity of the individual to live within community. The individual is empowered by the community and does his or her share to empower others.

Ubuntu is an ideal way of life to which a Zulu may aspire.

It means we make each other. I am more who I am when I am connected to you. You are more who you are when we acknowledge our mutual need for each other. We can do more together than we can do alone.

Ubuntu has little room or accommodation for the lone genius. Consensus is valued. As far as possible, all voices are attempted to be heard. Age is deeply respected.  It’s community-above-self, as a way of life.

No one is “thrown away” or written off.

March 18, 2023

Something a little longer for Sunday….. 

by Rod Smith

One thing I notice about the parables of Jesus and other favorite New Testament events, even Jesus one-liners, is that just as soon as I think I understand the parable, the event, the one-liner, it does a number on me.

Refuses to be conquered.

Reveals I’m scratching the surface in understanding, let alone application.

I know this to be true as I study Jesus’ desert trials, His relationship with Peter, betrayals, the terrors of Gethsemane, The Transfiguration, The Woman caught in adultery, “love your enemies,” to name a few. 

For 10 years (at least) these events in Jesus’ life and many of His sayings have refused to let me go and keep offering me more and more opportunities for understanding and for application.

Who really knows what Jesus meant when he said “a seed must die to bear fruit” (John 12:24) and I am not talking botany?

Every believer worth his or her salt has a go at “unpacking” (my least favorite verb I hear in Christendom) this but I think most attempts at interpretation fail to grasp the larger application of the metaphor, let alone how the “death” occurs and how it applies to you and to me.

 Let me know if you think you know. 

Parables, if we are willing to resist the thought that we already know all there is to know about any one of them, will unfold meaning for years and go deeper and deeper into the willing heart with revelation.

Thinking I know becomes a blockage. My blockage. Time after time reading them I go back to what I already know, which keeps new understanding waiting in the wings for an opportunity to get a moment on stage.

Another thing I find blocks my learning is when I become an insight addict and seek insight and more insight into Scripture but resist or refuse to put the insights into the daily-life action.

Insight, without accompanying action, is not only useless, it blocks further revelation. Then, if I get any insight, refusing to act on what I see becomes a ditch into which my insight tumbles and I become another of millions upon millions of Christains who are incredibly insightful who are very willing to talk, often endlessly, about what they see in whatever be the Biblical topic. And that’s about it.

My gosh, have I met some insightful and loquacious Christians?

Certainty, too, seals shut possibilities of growth and learning. 

It stops discovery. Certainty block’s revelation. 

I find embracing ambiguity and possibility for behavior change opens the floodgates to new understanding and new ways to be in the world.

Understanding Scripture requires change. Transformation. Understanding Scripture will demand it be more than an academic exercise and will seek to influence who and how we are as men and women in our various roles in our various communities and within our families.   

I have read the “Prodigal Son” many many times and have often thought I have a reasonable take on Jesus’ point. My perspectives change if I read it as if I am the Older Brother when my default has always been to read it as the younger, returning son, the “good” guy. When reading the parable from the Older Brother’s point of view I have no problem understanding why he has an issue with the upstart’s return and why he avoids the party. If I read it from the perspective of the Father it doesn’t take long before I am reduced to tears. I think I know that kind of love, at least as much as I am able. My sons have been trying to teach me about it since they entered the world and broke into my heart.

Shifting my point of view when I read “The Good Samaritan” also allows for new insights. I start from the perspective of the “questioning” lawyer. Then I move on through Jesus’ list of characters and end up reading it as the victim who receives assistance from the Samaritan.

When I read it as The Samaritan, I am reduced to tears.

In contrast to the “trained” and the professionals, the ones who should know, the rejected one is the loving one, the one who was never considered a neighbor, the “other,” is the one who goes the extra mile and loves his enemy and models neighborliness.

Have a fabulous Sunday.

March 13, 2023

Suggestion for Hallmark

by Rod Smith

I’m amused at how many “special days” there are and how many I miss. I’ve got the very best sister and brother on the planet but “National Siblings Day” comes and goes and I’m usually none the wiser. I missed “National Sons Day” quite recently. “French Bulldog Day” too, comes and goes and I’m yet to post a picture of Maggie dressed to the nines in her French Pink collar. 

I’d like to suggest a few new holidays for Hallmark or whoever pushes these special days:

Good Samaritan Day — love someone (send flowers, bake cookies, research what he or she needs and provide it) whom you could legitimately reject or who could legitimately reject you. That, after all, is the essence of the parable. It’s not about dumping “the poor” with stuff you don’t need or want.

Prodigal Day — Dismount your high horse and throw a party of welcome for all the “wrong” and “lost” and rejected people you know whether they’ve “changed” or not. There’s no indication in the parable that the returning son has “repented” and it may well be you or me who really has to.

Woman Caught in Adultery Day — leave your “stones” of judgment at home and walk through the day humbly aware of your own shortcomings. Jesus gives the woman a break and an identity. Let’s do the same for all the “tragic figures” we meet and perhaps someone will have and display similar grace for us, yes, you and me.

Meet Maggie