March 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I had an affair and we now live together. It was very passionate. I was the true love he’d been looking for his whole life. Being divorced myself, this was also very thrilling for me. It really was, despite all the secrecy of our relationship, and it was the time when our relationship was at its best. We argue more now than we ever did while we were having an affair. I understand that things would ‘cool down’ but sometimes I think he regrets leaving his wife. Do you think he might have another affair and cheat on me?”
Please write, I'm reading...
They seduce the participants from their real issues and offer a false sense of belonging. The intensity you describe was probably not the product of authentic love, but of the secrecy and deceit required to maintain the affair. Adrenalin and anxiety combined can feel very much like the kind of love for which you have always longed.
Of course he might regret his divorce. Just as you too have discovered, he may also be reminded that his new domestic set up is not all he believed it would be. Since each of you is capable of cheating, as you have already demonstrated, of course it is possible for each of you to betray each other with someone else.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Love, Manipulation, Marriage |
4 Comments »
March 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: Mine is an action-packed story of a marriage of 30 years. It has yielded wonderful children and grand children. Outwardly we are a normal, peaceful family. However, unnoticed by all, was an unfortunate and stressful issue of a wife, who experienced a hormone imbalance issue, which culminated her entertaining several extra marital affairs. Fortunately, or unfortunately, these actions were more an issue of once-off gratification.The mental trauma was indeed very difficult to bear, but some how, for the sake of family unity, all was put to rest and never discussed. I’m finding this whole issue extremely stressful and uncomfortable thoughts of the past flash through my mind. I am finding that my thoughts appear to be sparked off by the lack of an active sex life. At this stage in life, these pleasures of life have dried up for me. Was it my fault? Is it too late for me to get this relationship back on the high road?
ROD’S REPLY: Your moving letter suggests there is much hope for you. In the same manner as I have recruited local experts in areas of teen-suicide, drug addiction and other human maladies, I hereby request a local sex therapist to contact me, that I might put the reader in touch with face-to-face professional help.
For further and excellent reading on love and marriage and relationships in general go to www.lovehonoranddismay.blogspot.com
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery |
2 Comments »
February 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER: I read your column about “Women Who Lose Themselves In Relationships” and I do not agree with you. I am dating a man who is coming who is out of a marriage. He lacks any sense of who he is. Obviously his state is fluid and therefore I have been empathetic. I have been encouraging him to rebuild a life finding and developing new friendships, interests, hobbies, and just to take time alone. I have found myself being too empathetic, and losing myself in the drama of his impending divorce. I am a very independent person, however do have a nurturing side. My problem is not the lack of my own life, but it has been allowing this man to depend on me too much for ‘his life’. (Edited)
ROD RESPONDS: While each of you may feel you are being very helpful and empathetic – in the face of his many needs – you are still mothering a man who is not your child. Your “empathy” will short-circuit his necessary and solitary journey, toward or away from his wife. Men (and women) who are “coming out of a marriage” are not healthy material for deep relationships. Please don’t assume “nurturing” requires some degree of dependency. You are being sucked into a situation it is likely you will regret.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Divorce, Recovery, Triggers, Victims |
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February 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Please help me! I’m so confused, hurt, depressed and sick to my stomach. My husband and I just had this emotional break down. I cried. He cried. For months I have been trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. We haven’t been making love like we used to. We were all over eachother. We have been married for four years and have a 4 year old daughter. I expected some decline in our sex but not this much. I would talk to him and he would say he was tired and would try harder. He never did. This went on for a good couple of months. Until just this morning we were talking. He broke down in tears. He finally said, ‘You don’t turn me on anymore.’ UGH! Dagger in my heart and my ego. He doesn’t want a divorce. He still loves me with all his heart but how do we stay together and exist together if I don’t turn him on?” (Letter shortened)
Divorce? This is no reason for a divorce. You have a daughter and many years ahead of you to work this out. Methinks you are too close. Some space between you (not separation) would do you both some good.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Divorce, Re-marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Trust, Victims, Voice |
38 Comments »
January 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
“To the so-called “friend” (You and Me, January 15, 2007) who wants to tell my husband about my ‘affair’ all I can say is that you are not friend enough to know the facts. You are an acquaintance but I would not describe you as my friend.
“To the outside world we are getting divorced because an illness. The truth is far harder to accept and far harder for me to have lived through. I have been controlled and manipulated to the point where I have lost my own identity and self worth. I was forbidden from joining groups or societies that shared my interests, forbidden from joining a church group, forbidden from joining a gym or running club or any exercise group, forbidden from seeing my friends or going out alone.
“You have no idea of the anguish, misery and heartache I have lived through because I have never considered you friend enough to know the intimate details. The small things I have let slip to you about my unhappiness resulted in condemnation from you, and no sympathy, empathy or support. My true friends were there when I needed them and as such know the truth.” (Letter shortened)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
January 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
The volume of letters I get from men and women who are in very toxic, even dangerous relationships, surprises me. Some have written that they have had to create the email account specifically for the one letter alone, and then had to delete the account, lest the one with whom they are in a “loving relationship” find the account and demand to read the email!
It makes me wonder just how much love exists between people when it appears their behavior has to be so covert, where games and hide and seek are necessary over something as normal as writing an Email in search of guidance.
There are several over-riding themes that are quite easy to identify from these many letters. I have not been gender specific as both men and women falling into these familiar traps. I will say more about each of them in a few days:
1. Loving too much. (It is possible to love so blindly that the love ceases to be love).
2. Forgiving where there is no effort to change. (Some forgiveness has to be conditional).
3. Remaining blind to the repeated faults of others. (Some faults in others must be eradicated if a relationship is to survive).
4. Continually excusing the inexcusable. (Somethings, like violence and abuse, must not be tolerated at all).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
January 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend of 8 months and I are very much in love. He speaks of marriage. I can only assume that we will head that way in the near future. When we met he was still legally married although living apart from his wife. Despite some hesitation I went forward with my relationship trusting divorce was what he wanted. The divorce is now almost final. They have a three-year-old daughter and we have grown very close. I love her. She is so sweet and loving. My boyfriend says she asks for me. I have felt it would be appropriate for me to meet the mother because I am around her daughter so much which I assume will continue. I mentioned this to my boyfriend he was hesitant and I let it go. My boyfriend says “she is not the nicest person” and “you’ll meet her when the time is right!? Am I wrong?” (Letter edited – all posts are “cut” to about 200 words)
It is appropriate, and essential, that you meet the child’s mother since you (I assume) will co-parent the child. But methinks you are assuming too much (regarding his desire to marry you). Your future is far too valuable to be left to hopes and assumptions.
Posted in Children, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Voice |
5 Comments »
December 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband always says how much he loves me claims he lets me do whatever I want. But the reality is that he is disparaging and condescending. I feel I am trapped in a relationship with someone who is totally at odds with my personality. I never discuss anything meaningful with him for fear that he will criticize it. He is also very critical of the children. His discipline is very blame-oriented. He seems to be very angry all the time that the world and everyone in it doesn’t behave according to his criteria of right and wrong, and he is completely dismissive of the idea that different people can have different ideas about what right and wrong are. He always says, ‘There are objective criteria that everyone agree on.’ Sometimes I fantasize that he will die but of course I feel horribly guilty about having such thoughts. I imagine if I admitted such thoughts to him he would leave me but I could never admit them – it makes me sound like an insane and evil person. Is it possible that he is really not that bad and I am the one with the coping problem?” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
I’d suggest you get face-to-face (wiser than you have already had) counsel as soon as possible. You are trapped in a crazy-making cycle that will have you convinced that you are the one who is out of sync with reality. Please read Anna Quindlin’s BLACK AND BLUE. Make personal contact with me through the web. I have no idea what country you are in but I am real and I will listen. Go to www.DifficultRelationships.com to see how it is set up for you talk directly with me.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Family, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
December 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for 25 years with ups and downs like most marriages. I’m at a point where I want to be alone. There has been too much baggage from our past marital problems, which seem intolerable. I will devastate a lot of people if I leave my husband but I want to. I’m 45 years old and feel I want a fresh start. Not with another man, just with myself so I can find the self I lost somewhere along the line. The longer I stay, the more I realize how hard it is going to be. I have two sons who live on their own. It’s just my husband and me. I am finding it difficult to stay. I want a change. Is it okay to be so selfish?” (Edited)
Please, pass this on...
This is the greater challenge. While I will agree that some marriages are irredeemable, it is the best place to begin looking for the person you feel has been lost.
Wanting to be fulfilled is not selfish. Many marriages reach a time and place when one of the partners desires to discover the person perceived to have been lost in the marriage.
Posted in Boundaries, Divorce, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Violence, Voice |
9 Comments »
December 3, 2006
by Rod Smith
While a healthier person might find it very difficult to understand why a woman would remain the target of abuse, here are things I have heard from women (and a few men) in toxic relationships:
1. “His anger shows he cares.”
2. “No one has loved me like this.”
3. “If I leave he’ll take the children.”
4. “I am so unlovable (bad, ugly, hurt, used) I deserve abuse.”
5. “My past is catching up with me. I deserve to be mistreated.”
6. “He is not abusive. I’m just a slow learner.”
7. “God is teaching me: tough times are lessons from God.”
8. “I cannot make it alone.”
9. “Relationships are never perfect. They all hurt in some way.”
10. “You make your bed. You lie in it.”
11. “Things will improve when we have children (get married, get a house, a job).”
12. “He’s really a good person. When I make him angry he can’t help it.”
13. “As long as he is sorry I can put up with anything.”
14. “Things are improving, he doesn’t hit me like he used to.”
15. “God will change him if I am obedient. The Bible says so.”
The intensity, anger, aggression, in a toxic dance, places the victim on center-stage, and this focus is apparently experienced as some form of love.
Posted in Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
15 Comments »
difficultrelationships.com 